Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

A hot chocolate and flapjack with animal company sounds lovely @Catmaiden. I’m glad you have had a more peaceful day.

That sounds difficult to deal with Catmaiden. Glad you have a place to get away from it, with pets to give you cuddles.

There will be a period of adjustment as he clearly isn't able to see the problem and therefore will question your decision, but broken record will mean that he will get it eventually.

The beginning of a more peaceful future.

I am ok today thanks, tired as working a lot of nights at the moment. Not sweating the small stuff (trying not to look at the floor covered in Lego). Trying to be more positive as DH has really been trying to be more understanding and has been pulling his weight more in the house.

Hope everyone else is ok xx

Is it common or a myth that men with aspergers can become asexual or not need sexual intimacy?

I read an article which explained that it’s not uncommon for many men to become celibate in relationships.

Hi, I thought I’d pop on and share my story, if anyone is interested. I’m divorcing my husband of 15 years. I am fairly certain he’s an Aspie, and he left the family home a few weeks ago. I cannot begin to describe just how much better life is without him and I wish I had done it much much sooner. I tried everything in my power to make it work, to flex, to accommodate, to see the good etc and it simply wasn’t enough. We went for counselling to several different therapists, I can’t think of anything I wouldn’t have done, but there really was no getting past his utterly rigid beliefs and his lack of insight into the consensus of his behaviour even when I spelled it out. I concluded that he simply didn’t want to change/behave in a way that would have made life even tolerable for me. He only ever did what suited him.

My friend said she thought he was a narcissist as well and certainly there were traits, but I also think he simply chose to believe what he wanted, and that was that. There was no talking to him.

I found diary entries and threads on here I had posted over the years and I wish to god I’d just thrown in the towel. Nothing ever improved.

So that’s my advice. Don’t tolerate, don’t hope things will get better, get out.

And Asparagus123 our marriage was pretty much sexless. He didn’t see the point of it, and it had to be to a fixed formula, even if I hated it. My views/opinions/needs simply didn’t compute.

@Bigbestsister I am so pleased you are in a happier, more peaceful, place. It is really hard living with anyone who does not consider your thoughts and feelings or the consequences of their behaviour. Really hard. At least you know you did all you could.

@Asparagus123. Not in our case. But my DH does have rigid beliefs and very high expectations about intimacy. Quite possibly from something he has heard or watched on television or in conversation with other people, not sure.

Asparagus123. In our case the sex was so formulaic that I shut down years ago. I used to take the initiative and show him what I liked and he liked what I did but I felt as if I wasn’t really there. No tenderness, no passion, just do it roll over and go to sleep. Horrible. He didn’t seem to mind that I wasn’t interested any more and never asked why. I suppose it just wasn’t important enough to him to bother.

The preliminary results today indicate that my oldest son is definitely on the Spectrum.

I could weep with relief after so long, so much puzzlement, so many difficulties. It's a blessing, now.

We'll have to think of the next steps, but oh my god. At last.

@SeaEagleFeather, 💕 that must be such a relief. For all of you. Speaking personally, I remember how validated I finally felt when DS, and then DD, and then (finally!) DH were diagnosed. I finally realised I wasn't going mad, all those years.

when i say preliminary, the very experienced assessor said "from now on it would be helpful to look at him this way"

Yes. Yes. Exactly. And now we might be access the support systems to help him.

Oh yes, I remember the absolute relief when I went into meetings with the SENCO, sudenly armed with diagnoses, which they "finally" could no longer ignore any more.after many years..
We had years of them not doing their job. It was utter shit.

I’m really pleased for you @SeaEagleFeather. It’s such a relief when your thoughts are validated and as @Catmaiden says, you realise you haven’t been imagining things all these years.

I remember thanking God the day my DH got his diagnosis because until then he blamed me for all his issues. Suddenly he realised that there is a reason he is the way he is. It was a start to accepting that he thinks differently (and that is not his fault...or my fault...)

We need a new thread soon!

@Asparagus123 My ex enjoyed sex when we had it but was happy to go without. In her case it was more to do with the fact that having sex, having an orgasm, etc, made her feel out of control.

BigBest that is exactly my situation. 18 years, no change. The more I drag him to counsellors and say "this is not reasonable behaviour, you need to participate in the marriage" then the more he withdraws.

I'm 80% sure I've left the marriage in my head.

He thinks things are fine apart from me and my "emotions"

Good luck.

Vivarium I wish I had gone much sooner. I look back and remember he was totally inflexible about even the most minor things, and yet for years I hoped he might change on some major stuff. How silly.

It's the hope that gets us, BigBest.

My husband was not the man I thought I was marrying. He performed romance and was really very impressive. As soon as the ring was on my finger, and I really do mean that night, I didn't recognise him.

I'm loathe to say my marriage was a mistake because our kids are smashing. But, it has not been a happy marriage for me. He's absolutely delighted with himself, of course.

vivarium i could have written that! As with many others I thought it must be me and if I tried a bit harder things would change. Not helped by my childhood growing up with a narcissistic mother, so was programmed to believe everything was all my fault and as for having needs of my own - forget it! A revelation when I realised it, but hard to address especially in later life. So am resigned to living alongside him rather than with him.

"living alongside him rather than with him" is interesting.

I am trying to figure out whether that is tolerable.

If finance/children aren't too much of an issue, my advice would be to get out viv. Life is hard with him as the father of the kids, but it's unspeakably better without having to deal with him day to day.

His latest thing is that the preliminary - but - clear diagnosis of autism in our oldest child is irrelevant "but he hopes it helps me"

Oh fuck off, get your head out of your arse, stop feeling personally attacked you and put your kid first, Ex

Alongside, definitely. DW is quite content if she can drift along in her own world and more importantly at her own pace. But there times when we need to pull together, or when there is a deadline, or a decision needs to be made, or heaven help us all three at the same time, meltdown every time.

Hi, just posting in terms of asking how to deal with situation. My partner is aspergers and his parents seem to be struggling with lock down issues etc and he has had to step up. He now doesn't want to see me in person because of the risks of infection. How should I manage this going towards and hoping it's all temporary. It feels like he's overwhelmed by the issues with them and that I'm the easiest to cut loose for a bit. I don't want things to fail whilst we don't see each other. I feel a bit like out of sight, out of mind, like I've been compartmentalised.

My instinct in these kinds of cases is always to play it cool. But it's extremely hard. When my ASD manager used to flirt with me, he could then go days or weeks without coming to my office (he's a workaholic so always in meetings). I would try and bump into him in the cafeteria and thought that if he really liked me he would find excuses to come to me.
But then, on evenings out, he would flirt again and stare at me the whole evening.
I now understand that this is all he needed and he just forgot all about me the rest of the time. It was very hurtful, especially as he was so excellent at love-bombing that it would raise my hopes each time. In the end I had to avoid all social occasions with him to be able to get over my crush.
I understand that you're more in a relationship with him and I'm not as experienced as the others on here, who have ASD partners. But I've experienced being compartmentalised away and it was very difficult. I always played it cool but knew there was no way on earth I could put up with this for a lifetime and prefer to avoid him.