Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

Oh god yes, the feeling you are taking on their traits, as a result of years of trying to cope with them and talk to them in a way they will understand :(

What I find is that I am so hard and tough sometimes to DH just to get through to him. I don't like this version of myself.
DD (17) is also ASD and has had a couple of terribly hurtful occasions when friends have dumped her with a list of her faults.
I wish I could treat DH with the compassion and understanding that I want people to extend to our daughter.

I could probably use some support, and I did start my own thread on it. But basically we both have a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder and we are married, for nearly 19 years, and it's looking bad at this point. He announced a split in January but feels like he can't do because landlady wants to sell the house and he knows how hard it will be for me to get a house on universal credit. I am devastated disrespected, lost all trust, etc. And trying to make plans to move forward without him but sometimes just finding it so scary, all the change. And I worry desperately about the kids. One teen and one tweenage, autistic + more, girls.

Gah x

@Kenshabby sending you huge hugs &

Just checking in to say hello to everyone, Daftas, Moffa, everyone else. I don't post here anymore after the recent nonsense as I have found another place without the nonsense but come back to read now and then.

H left a week ago and I am now 100% certain it is the right thing for us. Still a bit sad I couldn't make it ok but we are too different.

My home is once again a sanctuary from the world and my daughter is already happier. It was tough getting there but now we are alone things have improved already.

to all of you.

box well done to you, so glad it’s working out well for you and your daughter.
Thank you so much for starting these threads, they’ve been a lifesaver, despite the nonsense.

Yes Box I’m so happy to read your update and that you and your daughter are already settling in to life without him.

I’ve been reading on the safe place @changer sent and it is lovely to see people posting without fear of recriminations. And interesting that the stay/leave balance is probably 50/50 and there is support and advice for all.

However I hope this thread carries on as there will be people looking for help and support in our circumstances via mumsnet in future. This was where it finally clicked for me. Followed by extensive internet research that confirmed what I thought (and to be fair what my MIL had told me a decade ago before she died).

Plus I’m going to be leaving my H soon and I know I’m going to need some support through the sadness xxx

I’m sorry to read about those of you feeling sad but good to hear that people are moving things forward.

That’s interesting about the 50/50 split on the other forum. Much like on these threads. Much like the whole of the U.K.

Things have been a bit up and down here after a period of quiet. DH had a row with ASD young adult DC. Clash of the titans!

He has a nasty virus at the moment which makes him much less tolerant (of course) but it’s still hard.

Well done box and hello everyone

I read this and loved it so thought I'd pop back to share (was here at the beginning). Hope the link works...

medium.com/@janeygodley_42972/living-with-a-man-who-has-aspergers-b015c02f3798?fbclid=IwAR13ul4LXDBQwQOStS6yxZlKuhy9jEAo7kdrEsf8vczjSNZopJJPBHpxE-c

picklemepopcorn - That was lovely, thank you!

I think it was on the last thread that someone mentioned rules, and I didn't take much notice as DP's not that much of a rule maker. However, I was reminded of it last week and had to laugh.

We generally don't sleep in the same bed. We used to more, when we first met and had to, but now we live together we have separate rooms. I assumed he didn't like sharing a bed (he has said as much) and wasn't too bothered, though I'd sneak the odd night in with him as I love the closeness. A couple of weeks ago he said he didn't actually mind me being with him, so long as I don't spend the night cuddled up to him as he gets too hot fair enough, plus, he's on the Spectrum so doesn't want to be touched). But he then went on to moan that the last time I'd been in with him he'd got annoyed that I hadn't turned over quickly enough, as he'd needed to be on his other side and didn't want to be breathing in my breath. I pointed out that, since I'd been asleep, it wasn't exactly my fault I hadn't turned over to his unspoken order! I'm not sure he totally got it. So since then, whenever I have slept with him I've made sure I'm on the very edge of the bed so he has the rest to stretch out in. Not the most relaxing nights I could have!

We're trying to conceive atm. His attitude towards it is very much as you'd expect - scientific rather than romantic. And then he wonders why I burst out laughing at inopportune moments!

@pickle - that is a lovely article, although I think she has a lot more patience than me!

@timeihadanamechange - good luck TTC! We struggled ttc but that was one area where my H was great because he didn’t had an emotional reaction to the failures and was able to plough on month after month!

Hope everyone is doing well!

I had my second therapy session yesterday. Talked more and I didn’t cry this time so maybe I’m making progress?! She taught me some relaxation exercises for when my anxiety explodes (my racing heart) and I felt less emotionally drained this time. I feel it’s really helping.

I also saw a solicitor who gave me some great advice about handling the split kindly (as that is what I want most!) and as my H doesn’t react emotionally I’m really hoping when all is said and done we will be friends and get on better than we do now. Time will tell!

to you all xx

I've just scanned back through this thread- I'm so sorry to see you had an explosive derailing again. I'm glad you've found other places which feel safer, and that you have found support here in general.

There is an NLP rule along the lines of 'the person with the most flexibility is the person in the strongest position'. It's been a real help to me to realise that by bending out of the way of confrontations, I'm showing my strength. Being too focused on one outcome, technique, priority just causes disappointment, I find!

Emotional yoga rules!

My xh had a diagnosis of aspergers. In the end the total lack of any kind of compassionate/emotional or cognitive empathy took it's toll. He could never see my perspective or understand why I felt the way I did. I had to conform to his emotional state at all times or he was violent. Any single challenge caused a cascade of abuse that he would refuse to apologise for. It was all excused because he has Aspergers and he had every right to behave in any way he wanted to. I just had to wear it.

I'm moved on but I suppose if there's one thing that bugs me is. Did he torture me on purpose? He wasn't a stupid man. He knew his behaviour wasn't acceptable, he knew he was making me depressed. He did it anyway. Thoughts?

SixDot941 - I'm no expert but to me it sounds as though he was being abusive rather than Aspergic. I'm basing this on the fact that not onlydid he use the Asperger's to justify his behaviour, but he carried on despite knowing it was causing you pain.

My undiagnosed DP has caused me pain over the years but a lot of the idea he has no idea whatsoever that he is doing so. And yes, I honestly believe that this is the case. We're at the point where if he is behaving like this I pull him up on it. It's quite scary telling someone who's apparently really angry with you and has ignored you for the last few days to pull themselves together and snap out of it, but it does work with him. I think it's sucessful partly because, if there is any thought behind his behaviour, it's along the lines that he thinks he's protecting me, and partly because he finds it so hard to read people so thinks I should be the same.

Generally, though, as soon as he realises his behaviour is having a negative effect on me he changes what he's doing.

@sixdot there are without question elements of my relationship which are abusive. My H has the unfortunate combination of both (undiagnosed) Aspergers and a toxic upbringing. The thing is I can see the things that are caused by his upbringing because he has a brother (less than a year younger than him) who behaves in a similar pattern, but who is much more emotive & tactile in his personality.

I think some of the abusive traits of my husband are caused by his need to be safe/minimise etc. For example if we go out (quite rarely these days!) he throws a tantrum if I don’t know the exact details regarding dress code, attendees, food & drink situation and the exact time we will be coming home. He can be pretty vile to me actually. This would be abusive but now I understand that he is going out of his safe zone (which would be yet another night on the sofa watching Masterchef!)

So I can’t really answer your question/thought process but I understand it xx

Thank you. You both helped more than you think.

My xh's behaviour was not because he was out of his comfort zone. He was the worst at home behind closed doors. His worst reactions were for being challenged for the way he treated me. In the end he divorced me for having a total mental collapse.

What both of you describe are people who do control not to reduce you but out a haywire sense of protecting themselves and you. Funnily enough I can 100% get that. You describe much stronger behaviours but they are still similar to my current dp who has anxiety and he's lovely in every way but very shouty when he's anxious.

Really the answer is that just like everyone people with ASD can be good people or bad people. My xh was a bad one, which is how I felt but I didn't know if I should give him the benefit of the doubt.

@sixdot. I think I was close to total mental breakdown in January. That is what lead me to therapy which is helping me feel stronger and rebuild my self esteem while I figure out how I am going to do what I need to do for my future happiness. Maybe some therapy would help you? X

We've been divorced a while and I'm ttc with my dp. I did three months in a psych hospital, day hospital and therapy and I came off meds last month. All is wonderful for me, now xh is gone.

I think just abstractly I wonder whether my xh has a right to ascertain that I was the abusive one. I did nothing but try to help him up. I helped him get through university (including paying for it), I sorted out his friend messes, I helped him stay close to his family, I encouraged his independence, to be social and have hobbies, I kept house (until I was too depressed to continue). There is never a time I wasn't there for him emotionally or physically.

I did have my own issues but I didn't abuse him. I didn't do anything that would harm him but he gave me several serious injuries as well as causing my mental and physical health to collapse.

It's all my fault to him because I didn't do enough for him. That I was a terrible person because I didn't live up to his perfect fantasy of who his wife would be. I'm a human, and a very messy one at times but my dp assures me there is nothing in how I act that isn't more than "bitches be crazy" (ie you're being a woman, dear).

Ok based on that (your time in hospital) I wasn’t at the same point but it was the lowest I’ve ever been - at the point where I realised I needed help. When I read about Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome I had the lightbulb moment (or rather, shivers went down my spine).

Bless you, you’ve been through so much and I’m glad things are good for you now and you have a new happier relationship. I wouldn’t spend another minute worrying about your xh and what was caused by ASD or otherwise. Quite clearly the relationship was no good for you and you’ve come/are coming through it. Lots of for you xxx

I just read about OTRS. That's exactly it. Completely in every single way. It was like being completely drained away until I didn't exist. I'm a really emotional, nurturing person, I'm sensitive.

Now it makes perfect sense that I perceive things from my dp as rejection when he's genuinely not heard me or that I get angry when I think "he's telling me how to feel" when he's trying to ask how I feel.

I wish this was a better known syndrome. My psychiatrist identified xh as the issue but he couldn't work him out. I couldn't see how that had happened given that in all other aspects I had a perfect life. He was perfect to other people, no one could see what I was saying about him. I got sick of hearing that he wasn't like that. I never felt like a could escape because his functioning depended on me. He was like an angry three year old at home but a fully functional adult to everyone else.

I feel lightened by reading that. I feel I had a "normal" experience.

I am very sad that, you (@moffa) are still in it. You deserve better than that but I accept that you have to resolve your feelings about him and the relationship. Don't let it drive you too far down. You definitely haven't disappeared, I see you 🤗

Thank you @sixdot - I was drowning but I’m piecing myself back together slowly with the help of my family & a few select friends.

I agree, I wish it was better known and understood. It was this thread that lead me to reading about it. I actually printed it all out and took it with me when I went to see my GP. That was good as I spent the whole time sobbing - so at least I could show her what I needed help with. When I had my NHS assessment, they referred me to the domestic abuse team but I very specifically said I needed someone who had experience of ASD and it’s effects on spouses. My therapist is very knowledgeable about this thankfully, she understands the effects of OTRS and PTSD within relationships and after just 2 sessions I’m feeling different. I can’t really explain it. Maybe it’s the realisation that no one can change my situation except me.

Now for me it’s just how I go about it but what I’m hoping for is ultimately a friendship and some kind of co-parenting. Despite the fact he has hurt me consistently for a decade, because of the ASD I don’t want to end up in a blame game with him. I don’t think he has any idea that his behaviour is damaging to me. But it’s hard, and the immediate future is hard.

And as for what you said about how others saw your H, I am sure that most people think my H is a charming (slightly eccentric) workaholic. And the angry 3 year old thing - it’s just impossible to argue with someone who can’t ever admit they are wrong. When I didn’t understand his behaviour I started keeping notes so I can at least look back - hopefully without regret.

It’s a terrifying time. Leaving a marriage is awful. But we only get one life.

Go for what you want! Xxx

I don't know if this is the right place to post, but when I've read posts so much sounds familiar. The question I have is how do I cope emotionally when I have no emotional connection in my marriage?
A couple of weeks ago my DH said he wouldn't need feeding on Sunday as he was going out walking for the day with a friend he was going on a walking holiday with, I was shocked as I didn't know he was going on holiday! Oh it's in the family diary he said. He'd done what he felt he needed to do i.e. putting the information in a diary but for me I feel upset that I am in a marriage where we communicate in such a way. We only talk about practical matters, there is no conversation that I need.
Sport was on the TV last weekend, our DS was visiting and the DH talked and talked, but the subject was football.
How do I cope with my needs being ignored? If I return from an event, day out, hospital visit I am never ask how it went, did I have a good time, what did the doctor say? If I'm having a rant about a difficult day at work, he will just sit there and after a while cut me off by walking off or hiding behind the newspaper. We never talk about what is important to me. I want to be able to talk about the future, retirement. These are topics I'm frightened off. Difficult subjects. I want to talk about what's important to me but I get silence. I've just woken from a dream where I felt I was being rejected by him hence the time on this post!

Only, you can only change yourself and your situation. When you do that he may change as well, but you can't rely on that.

You have to take control of yourself and arrange life how you want it to be- just as he does.