Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

@Catmaiden ‘to listen, to soothe, to help out’... interesting that these things go unacknowledged and unrecognised as if they aren’t of value.

Until they aren’t there... They are the fundamentals which people forget they need.

Wonder if "D" H will even notice? Or stop S moving back in, as a result?
Sadly, I think not.
I think this is the end of our marriage.

I''m sorry, Catmaiden.

There is space to grieve, here.

Thank you @SeaEagleFeather
That means a lot.
Feeling very alone, tonight. Safe in my annexe , but sad.

How are you this morning @Catmaiden ?

It is sad. But it will pass. It will. You have spent 40 years working hard to support your DH and DS...it is going to feel like a massive hole in your life because your life has revolved around them for so long. You have probably forgotten what you enjoy and what you need.

I really related to your ‘listening, soothing, helping out’ comment because that’s me too. Listening patiently to how their day has been, the latest ‘issue’ they have faced, doing small things to make their day easier... It is exhausting. Eventually you will have so much more energy for things you want to do.

This week is going to be tough for you with the move and unpacking but I don’t see how you could have done any more. Use this time to rest as much as you can and do things you enjoy...walking, reading, whatever.

Are you taking any animals with you?

Yes, cat and dog. As I am still on the farm, the horses and livestock are close by.

Great. Glad you have your cat and dog. They will get you through this.

You are incredibly strong. You have a future of new possibilities now. You will get through this and find your peace again.

Good luck for today.

Had a good night sleep, even on an airbed! Was in the cottage conservatory /annexe, as it's warmer than upstairs. Dog and cat for company. Felt very peaceful.
Today will be spent moving stuff in, hopefully tonight I can sleep upstairs in a bed. One of our farmworkers is helping me to shift the heavy stuff.

Glad you have some help @Catmaiden and you have your dog and cat for company.

Take care today.

How are you doing catmaiden?

Plucking up the nerve to post.

Bestbigsister welcome. Please post x

Catmaiden you have protected yourself financially as far as possible, haven't you?

Also ... How are -you-, lovely. Have you had any support?

hi bigsister

@Catmaiden You know you can’t live with your DS. It’s untenable by the sounds of it. Keep strong. You are no-one’s skivvy or punch-bag.

First comes his anger and indignation. Then the desperation. So be it. You have been clear and reasonable. He has lost control.

Take care of yourself. You can and will manage without him if you choose to do do. You may even thrive.

Bestbigsister Do post. I have shared a lot on here and it has really helped to know that I’m not alone (and not going completely mad).

@Bestbigsister please post, I'd love to know I'm not going mad!

Sounds so difficult @Catmaiden . I can’t imagine what it must be like to feel almost ‘ganged up on’ by your own family. It’s bad enough for me when DH does it and I’m painted as the unreasonable one or the ‘person who doesn’t understand relationships’.

You are not alone. It’s not you...it really isn’t. His family are bound to support him and there is little you can do to change that. Only you know what you have experienced and only you know your limits. It’s sad when other people try to push those limits though to get what they want. It happens here too.

Are you able to keep away physically from your DH or are your paths crossing?

His family think I am a monster for "abandoning" him.

They don't see the reality of it. People never do, until they experience it directly ... or are autistic themselves.

Honestly, it might be an idea to reactivate the non-Mol since your son is likely to have problems with boundaries and certainly has problems with recognising that your behaviour is a direct result of your past experiences with him.

I'm sorry you're so alone, though I'm glad your daughter is supporting you privately. Sending you support from afar.

Try reading the thread title. It's a SUPPORT THREAD FOR THOSE WHOSE PARTNERS HAVE ASPERGERS