Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

Seriously getting my ducks in a row, I'd rather live in a tiny flat in a city (which I'd hate) than live with DH and DS on the farm. It just doesn't bear thinking about.

@Catmaiden Do you think that’s because he doesn’t really own, or respect, his diagnosis? My DH doesn’t always want to face up to the fact that he has made a pigs ear of a lot of things in his life. He would rather blame other people. So actually admitting that maybe it is HIM who has caused difficulties is a hard nut to crack. If your DH discloses that ASD runs in your family then he has a part to play in that. Maybe facing up to that is too hard....he’d rather see it as other people’s problem rather than him and his ASD.

It comes back to that compartmentalisation again...that ability not to make connections or take responsibility for consequences.

Can you tell your DH that if he agrees to DS coming back you are going to have to leave...it is that important, that critical...? I can tell from your post that it would be too toxic for you to stay.

@Apple222, I have told him I will leave if this happens; he told me of course I wouldn't leave him, or the farm.

And tbh I don't want to leave him, I just can't go back to how we were, with DS living here.

Also, I had such a hard time getting health professionals to take us seriously with DD diagnosis, DS was diagnosed quite young but DD not until her late teens. If he had said about the family members, my life would have been much easier!

@Catmaiden If he’s anything like my DH it wouldn’t occur to him that disclosing his diagnosis might have an impact on DC getting the right support. Wouldn’t see the two as connected. Just like my DH doesn’t see that taking responsibility for his behaviour might increase my respect for him. He just thinks I should respect him anyway irrespective of anything he does. Your DC should get the right diagnosis irrespective of his disclosure. Doesn’t get cause and effect.

I was going to say it’s rather arrogant of your DH not to take you seriously about leaving but it’s not arrogance is it? Maybe it’s more about cause and effect and not wishing to make the connection that what he does now could have a huge impact on the rest of your lives. My DH refuses to acknowledge that his poor decision making has had an impact on our relationship. Will happily make connections between my behaviour and our relationship but not his own... Very odd.

What are you going to do? Can you live in an annexe or something? Convert an outbuilding for yourself?

What a horrible situation to be in. I’m so sorry.

@Apple222 after reading this thread, I spoke to my partner about him being last minute and not organising things. He said he likes the spontaneity and assumes he will see me no matter what. I'm not sure how that can happen when I have child care to plan but it seems from this thread that I need to spell things out.

@Eesha I think you are right. He’s possibly not able to consider that you are in a different situation from him, have empathy about what that might be like for you and that you might not be able to see each other unless he plans ahead. Spelling it out, making it clear is a good way forward. Keep being clear about what you need though because he will be used to focusing only on his way of doing things and it can feel very controlling to anyone else. If he wants a future with you he will need to accommodate your needs and wishes too! Good luck!

Read this the other day which verified how hard it is being the NT spouse.

mixedneurological.com/2019/07/23/the-other-half-of-the-rainbow/?fbclid=IwAR2ZbwuVRFkcBtRws43ERbHf7S2dUCUFmFPuKq7jf5nHlAYtaQLkOE-rEeI

I am sorry to hear so many of you are struggling at the moment. Covid and lockdown has added so much more stress. I know several people in NT relationships that have broken up during this year.

I have felt better since counselling as it is helping me articulate my needs and actually make time to make sure they are met. Surprisingly DH has stepped up a bit once I spell out what I need him to do, which has taken the pressure off me. I still resent having to ask and organise everything, but it is just not his strength at all.

I think that if you cannot find a way through and it is not working then we need to be kinder to ourselves and give ourselves permission to say enough is enough. It is ok to put yourself first.

Thank you so much for this thread. I have huge suspicions that my partner has ASD traits. Its taken me over a year of being with him to understand certain "quirky" behaviour and the complete lack of emotional verbalising. He is a working musician and also composes amazing difficult and technical music which he emerses himself in until the early hours of the morning. He also has another keen interest in collecting certain items which he will spend hours researching too. He presents as a loner and lives alone remotely with his recording studio and is currently about to release his next album which has taken over his life right now. I have realised from reading this thread that others have experienced this behaviour....if I haven't seen him for a long time I will tell him how much I miss him. He then says, "ok, yes...its been a difficult day in the studio today". He is the most kindest, loyal and interesting man I have met for a long time. We did have sex at the beginning but it trailed off from him. He still likes to cuddle and hold hands but sexually it seems over for him. He is in his mid 60s so other things may be preventing this. I researched ASD and there is a link to stomach problems and IBS with ASD which interestingly enough my partner suffers badly as he does with lower back pain. He will talk incessantly about his special interests and his house is full of both his job as a world touring musician and a keen collector of other items. I have had to step back a bit as it was me that seemed to be moving the relationships on. He never would ask me to come up to him but if I said "shall I come up to see you?" he would excitedly say yes and he would get straight to cleaning the house up and washing sheets and be so happy to see me when I arrived. I have asked several times to come down to see me but he just doesn't. He would come to me during his last tour as I live near the airport. I still don't know to this day how he feels about me but have to go with what he does. He has given me the most thoughtful gifts any man has given me and not on special occasions either. I have met many of his friends and one has told me how much he talks highly of me so that came as a surprise to me and an acknowledgment of how he feels. I have emailed him about how I feel about him as he gets really uncomfortable and awkward when I speak about feelings face to face. We go for long walks together, talk a lot, cook together and generally have a lovely time when we spend time together. He did blurt out one day that he prefers to live alone and spend time alone too, then turned to me and said sorry. One of his close musician friends died recently suddenly, he barely registered it as if he didn't have empathy. I was upset for him as he had just seen him the previous week. It was in the news too so its not as if it wasn't known by everyone. We live apart and don't see much of each other as I chose not to keep going to him. He phones me every day and we chat about his life and mine but nothing deeper. He is a lovely man and adored by his fans over the world. I am getting all the facts together as to whether I can manage this relationship long term. He has not been diagnosed so I am going on a gut feeling. Thank you again for this thread, it has been extremely helpful and interesting. Even if he isn't an Aspie the traits he has are similar to traits people on MN are dealing with and I am reading and learning.

@litterbird i too am so grateful for this thread as it has hugely enlightened me on my partner and a previous ex who I'm now suspicious was also Aspergers. With my current partner, I would want to see him as much as I can but he's just very cool about things and has times where he needs to be alone/tidy up/life admin. If it were anyone else, I'd be thinking this man is not into me but when I flagged it in the past to my partner, he really has no clue that this is how it comes across. He likes his routine and the lockdown has impacted him hugely. Though he's absolutely wonderful in so many ways, this thread has given me food for thought as to whether he can truly give me what I want.

@litterbird I think you have it in a nutshell. You have what you have. Enjoy what you have. But will it change? Develop? Move forwards? Maybe not. If you are happy to keep things where they are, as they are, then brilliant but can you expect a lot more, probably not.

My DH made no contact with his sister while she was ill. Barely registered it. He just put it in the ‘Not dealing with this’ box and left it there. No emotional reaction at all. And when I react emotionally to someone close getting ill, he backs off very quickly from me because, I think, he worries he is going to be ‘expected’ to do something, perform in some way that he can’t. It’s very sad.

I often feel like I’m a friend to my DH rather than a partner. A friend who he could go for days, weeks, months without seeing. He would be pleased to see me and enjoy our time together but can he actually be fully engaged in a NT way, probably not. His head and life is too full of ‘him’.

@Apple222....you really do get it....I do have to come to a decision whether to let him go or not. I am no spring chicken and in my late 50s so there are very few options left out there for me. I have to really sit back, read, learn and think. He is upstairs right now in his studio, can I just accept what we have as it wont be any better? Not sure right now. All I know is I love his company, he is so intense but interesting and exciting as he is still a touring musician (when covid is not around!). Its a real tough one for me.

@Eesha...yes its the coolness that I find odd. Like you, I questioned his lack of wanting to see me and he just didn't get it. I stepped back for 6 weeks recently....not a blink of an eye....lots of phone calls and FaceTime calls....not a murmer....when we eventually saw each other he was so happy and so was I. As you said, if it had been anyone else I would have though he just wasn't that into me....I couldn't be further from the truth. I have been let in to his inner world or music and have had the privilege of listening to the uncut album before its release and for him this is a massive thing. Its so damn hard to come to a decision.

@Catmaiden Wow! I’m glad you have a space you can move to and make your own. Peace of mind is priceless. Reading your posts it is clear that there is no way you could have coped with your DS moving in.

Please make the cottage comfortable for you...your own peaceful space and somewhere you can rest and recover. You so deserve that.

@litterbird Your DP clearly values you. I genuinely think that my DH can cope ok as long as I don’t expect anything from him and to a certain extent he retains control over certain things. If my needs or wishes interfere with that things get difficult and he becomes resentful. Fact is he sees me as an extension of himself rather than as a separate person with different thoughts and ideas. So he expects me to share his interests and want the same things. Example, he wanted to go on a cycling holiday. I didn’t. He really struggled with this and told me that he thought the relationship was over because ‘we seemed to want different things’. Such a dramatic reaction to a difference of opinion! Yes, we want different things because we are different people! He also struggles when I have a different view on a subject to him....can’t seem to accept that we think differently or might have a different perspective on the same situation: ‘If we are a couple and if you love me, you would think the same as me’.
He wants a relationship because he is lonely but can’t deal with the differences that arise in a real relationship. I genuinely think it makes him really unhappy.

Have you tried to discuss it with him? Find some kind of compromise where you both have to give a little to meet each other’s needs?

I am very sad, I do love my DH, but I cannot live with his behaviour towards me any more. I don't care if its his ASD or his abusive nature causing it.

I've had enough. No more

@Catmaiden Good for you for seeking advice. It sounds horrible but it is good you are prepared for the potential shitstorm when they realise they have no control over your actions and you are entitled to do as you please.

The sneer would have done it for me 😡. That’s awful. One thing that always amazes me is that some forget they don’t have carte blanche to behave how they want, then when there is a consequence all hell breaks loose...

Keep safe!

@Apple222, thank you! You have been very kind.
I feel sad, but resolute.
I will NOT be treated this way.

@Catmaiden You are right. Doesn’t matter whether it is ASD or abusive, the impact on you is too great. He had the chance to respect your view but sneered instead. I’m angry for you.

The sneering won’t last for long. He will realise you did mean what you said and reality will hit. Two weeks? Four weeks? Won’t be long will it?

@Catmaiden Sadness is a fleeting emotion...won’t stay around forever. Truly it won’t. I am so glad you have a bolt-hole.

You are giving yourself a chance of a different, and more peaceful, future. It will feel odd at first I’m sure but you will have space to breathe.

for you and maybe a glass of wine too.

@Norashdecisions - sounds more like ADHD and narcissistic behaviour than ASD.

Lack of theory of mind is the hallmark of ASD, not lack of empathy. Narcissists lack empathy though, and are very self centered.