Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

@Catmaiden I think like most relationships it is about finding enough for yourself to be happy with. Difficult at the moment with Covid, and your job loss, but thank goodness for your animals. I hope now your DS has left you have some breathing space as that sounds intolerable.

I feel sad reading your post and hope that you find some daily peace on your farm and with your animals that makes life worthwhile.

This is such an interesting and supportive thread. My husband isn't diagnosed but agrees that he has some traits. Married 14 years, but I am emotionally drained by him and my asd ds. Dh and I are splitting now, as he flatly refuses counselling as he doesn't want to save the marriage, and there are safeguarding issues with ds, as they both have high anxiety now. It is important to me not to model this relationship to my dd11 as well. Looking forward to calm waters soon. I really think we'll make good friends, just not a married couple!!

@WeakandWobbly Welcome to the thread! I’m so sorry to read your post. Do you feel your husband’s traits have got worse over the years?

I think marriage and family life is often just too hard for some people with ASD. Nothing can prepare them for it. And nothing can prepare their partners either.

I think a lot of us on this thread are emotionally exhausted. I often feel that the person with ASD can end up getting their needs met even in the most dysfunctional way while the partner is left in a ball on the floor trying to make sense of what is happening. Of course I’m sure the person with ASD doesn’t feel their needs are met at all... Makes for an unhappy situation all round.

I’m sorry you are going through this, with your DC too, and hope the shining, warm, light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer every day for you all.

@MudCity I really appreciate the time you took to post. The funny thing is that my dh masks so well, that my friends just tell me he is a lovely man and I should keep going, as I've done so well. I'm at the end of the road, sadly. I do care about him, and he has volunteered to keep doing odd jobs and mowing the lawn on Sundays (routine) so it oukd work on some level. I have a friend who is 10 years older than me, whose asd husband's world has contracted so much he is just in bed all day. That is a future too bleak for me.
The asd behaviour has got worse over time, in that a combination of masking, romance, new babies in the first few years blinded me. I'm not blaming anyone, but it does take a good few years to see it all. Then when DS was diagnosed it all made sense. We have given it a good go and it's high time we moved on...

@WeakandWobbly The masking is really challenging. People would say the same about my DH and he really can come across as charming and obliging in front of others. However it must take a lot of effort because on a day to day basis life is challenging and just simple things such as a simple request to sort out a bill payment or phone a utility provider turns into conflict. No-one else sees that.

Why is he opposed to counselling though? Too intrusive? I’m not sure relationship counselling works unless you see a counsellor who has specialised in autism to be honest and understands the challenges.
I hope things improve for you and at least you are able to establish an amicable end to your marriage which counts for a lot doesn’t it?

How are we all doing in lockdown 2?
Me, not so good, my escapes (meeting with friends, volunteering) have stopped and I’m mostly holed up at home with h.
It’s not easy.

Dismal isn’t it @Bluebellforest1? I am trying to think of small ways I can make 2021 different. Right now though the only thing I can think to do is read, read and read (fiction) as an escape. Can you get out at all for walks or something?

I've been on these threads before, under a different username (dh found mine). I'm pretty close to leaving. First said I was leaving 18 mo this ago, dh begged me to d counselling so I did. Things did get better, but it wasn't enough and became really depressed again. So just before first lockdown I said I was done. We started talking about finances, contact. Then in a moment of weakness and when I slight it of his cutting nastiness came out, I agreed to try again (again). We did get on over lockdown and strayed working as a team.

But I think for me it's just too late. I'm exhausted and I can't ever let go of the anxiety of trying to manage situations for his emotions- holidays, days out etc.

@Apple222 yes it’s dismal and exhausting.
I do get out for walks with the the dog on my own, and I’m lucky in that we have no children at home so I’ve commandeered the small bedroom as a “me room”.
I just find the incessant wittering, faffing and controlling such hard work.

@BreathlessCommotion I’m on the brink of leaving too, dream of it, think of it, plan it every day. Just can’t do it quite yet.

You both have my empathy. I can really understand the exhaustion of managing DH’s anxiety. We went away for a weekend before lockdown and it was just constant negativity. Negative about the drive there, the hotel, the weather, the hotel bed, the shower, the location of the hotel restaurant (apparently it was too far to walk from the stairs), the water supply...I could go on. There wasn’t one thing which he liked. Not one thing. He doesn’t want to go to a hotel ever again.

Fact is the place was lovely. It made me think that if he can’t be positive about that then there is no hope or joy to be had anywhere. I’ve got to plan things for myself, on my own in future because he actually ruins anything nice.

We've been through a pretty tough time with DS1 just starting Uni. He's been in consecutive self isolation for five out of six weeks. So many similarities between the two of them. DS1 has been DWs special interest for the last six months, but the constant interference, control, misunderstanding, wild assumptions, faffing, avoidance, has done neither of them any good. Every time I hear the phrase "I assumed" I know something really basic has gone horribly wrong.

Oh that phrase. Oh yes. "I assumed". And then I knew I'd be banging my head against a wall.

Can I post another question about aspergers partners? My partner is very cool about things whereas I'm used to people wanting to spend tons of time with me early on. I feel like unless I chase for meetings, he just leaves it to how he feels near/on the day but because I have kids, it's difficult to organise. He's very affectionate when we are together but when we are apart, I feel a bit like I'm out of his mind. Is this normal?

@Eesha I can only speak from my own experience but my DH is able to compartmentalise very, very well. If I am not in front of him I don’t exist. He seems to find that incredibly easy to do. So whereas I consider him in every aspect of my life, he doesn’t seem to consider what I might need or what might be convenient for me at all. Example, booking for an estate agent to visit...he arranged it for when he was out of the house because he didn’t want to deal with it. Didn’t think about my schedule or what I might need at all (I was away that week and he knew it). This ability to compartmentalise has had quite appalling consequences on an emotional level too. He just doesn’t think ‘What might Apple say?’. He just goes and does without thinking of the consequences of his actions or impact on me. It is devestating. I’m only important when I am meeting his needs. He has no interest in meeting my needs at all.

@Daftasabroom ‘I assumed’ or You didn’t tell me’ are stock responses in this house and a way of not taking responsibility for the shitstorm that ensues.

@Eesha And my DH is like that with friends and family. Literally doesn’t even think about them unless they contact him and even then he doesn’t do anything unless they nag. He never initiates contact with them. Example, his sister was ill and needed major surgery. He didn’t phone her or contact her at all during that time. I think it was because it wasn’t about him so he wasn’t interested. It’s like he is in his own world and can only deal with what is physically in front of him or demanding his attention at any one time.

That said books about ASD often refer to feelings being very intense at the beginning of relationships as the person with ASD becomes very absorbed and focused on the other person for a time. So who knows? All I can say is that my DH responds in ways that you wouldn’t expect and might seem really strange, frequently blowing hot and cold about people in his life. Going from liking them to hating them at the flick of a switch. It’s much more extreme than I have seen in anyone else.

@Apple222 your situation sounds particularly difficult, I'm not sure I could put up with that. I think the trouble is my partner and I have only been together a few months and obviously with lockdown etc, it's made me look at our situation in a lot of detail. I feel a bit like I'm the one doing the chasing/planning and I'm not feeling missed. I want to feel more like I'm special which is difficult as we hardly see each other now and I want him to say he finds it hard. But I don't think he does. So I wonder whether there's even a place for me in his life at times. Sorry to derail the thread, I just wondered if this could be linked to Aspie traits.

@Eesha It’s hard to know whether these are ASD traits or just ‘him’. My DH can appear lazy when it comes to maintaining relationships too. He just doesn’t seem to know the ‘rules’ or understand reciprocation which most of us probably learn as children or adolescents. It takes huge effort so rather than make the effort it is probably easier for them to distance themselves from other people who might make demands on them. It is a coping strategy...keeping a distance away from something that is actually quite stressful.

As you say you would think in the first few months of a new relationship you would see someone putting effort in and prioritising you. I think you might have to accept that this just isn’t him and it doesn’t matter whether it is ASD or just his nature it’s unlikely to change.

All I know is, I've had enough.

"D" H and adult DS and now DD.
All ASD, Dyspraxic, Dyslexic, ADHD
+.
Me, NT. Supporting, helping, absorbing their abuse all this time.

Just. Had. Enough.
40 years of this. Had enough.

Hi I've just discovered this. I have an undiagnosed DH and a diagnosed son (13). I wasn't aware there was counselling for people in our situations so find that very interesting because I am often so worn out!

DH starts his CBT this week which has been the first step in anything. I think it's over the phone though and so I'm really not sure how that's going to go.
There's probably absolutely loads I can say, but wanted to just drop in and say hi and can I be a part of this please

@Catmaiden I don’t think there is any way I could cope if everyone close to me was ASD and abusive with it. Isn’t your DD away at university? Is her diagnosis a recent thing?
You’re outnumbered aren’t you? Thank goodness for your animals.

I’m not surprised you’ve had enough. You’ve done more than enough.

@maxybrown Counselling can be a good sounding board If nothing else...at least it is someone for you to vent to. If you seek counselling then do request a counsellor who understands and has a good knowledge of ASD. There are more counsellors taking an interest in ASD because the need is so great but I’m sure they are still thin on the ground nationally. However, it’s really important the counsellor understands because it is different from counselling someone who is not in a ASD relationship. It helps for them to understand what lack of empathy actually does, what it looks like, how it impacts on the relationship. And the fact that there is nothing you can do as the NT partner to change that. For me that’s really important...I spent time thinking there must be something I was doing wrong for him to lack empathy with me. Not so. His empathy levels have nothing to do with me at all. It’s who he is.

I don’t know much about how CBT can help people with ASD but I do hope it is helpful for him and for you.

I think most of us are worn out on this thread so of course feel free to join in and be worn out / worn down with us! Look after yourself though and prioritise your own needs. for you.

@Catmaiden

All I know is, I've had enough.

"D" H and adult DS and now DD.
All ASD, Dyspraxic, Dyslexic, ADHD
+.
Me, NT. Supporting, helping, absorbing their abuse all this time.

Just. Had. Enough.
40 years of this. Had enough.

What about the ADHD? Who has that?

@Norashdecisions

It's dawning on me that my H may have Aspergers. This comes as a shock because I have worked with people with ASD as well as growing up in a household with three people with it! I have a lot of experience at seeing the signs despite differences in personality, which of course, I understand. Does any of this resonate with any of you or am I way off base and maybe H is just as uncaring as he appears?

• He never, ever offers simple, kind courtesies like making me a cup of tea.
• I have to spell everything out for him.
• He says I imagine things in others (like if someone wells up and I say to him afterwards that they seemed upset, he says I imagined it).
• It's only when I'm bawling crying in the foetal position and threatening to leave him that he seems to realise I'm upset about our relationship.
• When we have an argument or even a significant blow-up, he will carry on like nothing happened unless his feelings were hurt or unless I bring it up.
• He doesn't like big changes at all but he's fine with being spontaneous in an everyday context (i.e.) going for coffee when we hadn't planned to etc.

However...

• He is sociable and is good with crowds and in all social situations.
• Loud noises don't bother him.
• He's well able to talk to people.
• He doesn't need everything to be regimented and planned out. He's actually notoriously disorganised.
• He doesn't have a specialist interest that he speaks about incessantly.

What do you think? I know it's crazy that I've known him so long and it's only now that I'm wondering this but it genuinely hadn't occurred to me as he's so different to all of the others with HFA that I've known (quite a few). Any thoughts would be gratefully accepted.

@Norashdecisions That doesn't sound like Aspergers to me, although there are many people on here better able to comment. There are people with mild autism that are capable of masking, but it just sounds like he's just not very empathic which is not exactly the same as having autism.

@Catmaiden Your DS sounds particularly difficult and disruptive to your peace of mind. Is there anything you can do to make sure he doesn’t come back to live with you? It must be so difficult - no-one wants to turn their DC away but it sounds as though this would be unmanageable 🙁...and I’d say that even if he didn’t have ASD / ADHD diagnoses...