Husband demanding an abortion

[inthedarkx]

I thought I would re post my post on here to see if I get more advice
Thank you in advance for reading.

So I'm pregnant with my 6th child. Won't go into details but I'm 13+1 and he immediately said I should have an abortion, no discussing it and if I want him to stay I will have one. I said I don't want an abortion and he said ok he will be gone just give him a week. He said 'good luck with bringing up 6 children as I won't be around full time' said I'm selfish on my kids.

I'm scared of going through an abortion at 13+1 and I'm also scared of becoming a single parent.

Don't know how he will tell people he left his wife because she wouldn't abort his child. He will probably lie and blame me.

Not your problem. He will concoct some story involving revising the entire history but it isn't the truth. In the end he can tell people whatever he likes - you know what actually happened.

I fear that the fuckwit won't leave even if you do keep the baby. These are empty threats to control you. Take control back and kick him out.

@carrotflinger thank you

I'm going to say something now, and it's going to come across as really bad.. and I'm probably wrong, he's probably not this bad but it's running through my head

4 of our children are girls, and we have one boy and worried that he suspects that this baby is very likely to be a girl judging by our history so that's why he's not bothered. He used to joke 'oh I want more boys to spread my surname' and knowing girls get married and likely to change surname he used to joke about that. Don't get my wrong be loves his girls and does a lot for them but it's been playing on my mind. This 'joke' has anyways bothered me and makes me feel like crap!

I just feel very depressed today and I've felt suicidal a lot During the last few month for the first time in my life.

I guarantee you will feel much happier once you've kicked this miserable bastard out. He's trying to break you mentally with threats and coercion (which is now illegal in this country by the way).

He's 'threatening' to leave? Take the threat away by kicking him out and taking back control.

You can do this.

He is such a pile of shit. Really, really, really awful.

Both you and the children will be much much better off and happier without him. You will cope.

He can't divorce you before the baby is born, he's just spouting crap to scare you. Please stop listening to him; you can't and shouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

Sadly I think a pp may be right about the OW and not wanting her to find out about the pregnancy, it would explain his panic.

It is time to find your strength and end it with him in your terms. Having an abusive, cruel, manipulative father in the house is far far worse for the children than having divorced parents.

You will get loads more practical support on here that I can offer, but it is time to stand up for yourself. End this farcical marriage and find yourself again. Good luck.

Oh my word he is an absolute psychopath. You poor dear soul.

It doesn't matter whether he divorces you, you can name that baby whatever you like, and you can use "his" name as long as you wish.

In one of my pregnancies many years ago, I lost the baby at about the third month of pregnancy. That pregnancy was not planned. However after the loss I was so upset and emotional that I wanted to try immediately to get pregnant again. My OH said no so we didn't and it was the right decision for us and our family. After I calmed down after the loss I could see clearly that planning another baby wouldn't have been good for us on many fronts - financial , getting a new car, moving house etc.
Unfortunately the OP has to make a decision about what to do while she is in a very emotional and quite unstable state of mind.

If it were me I would have an abortion but also ditch the husband. Looking after 6 little ones alone with no real support and not being able to drive would be very difficult.

Op i am glad you have decided not to abort because of his threats. What a wanker he is.

I am 14 weeks with dc5 and just wanted to direct you to a couple of threads that might be of interest. One is Septembers antenatal group, the other is for people who are pregnant and already have a large family

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/3506966-September-2019-Babies-Thread-3?msgid=85407669#85407669

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3512217-anyone-pregnant-here-that-already-has-a-large-family

@pusspuss9 I completely understand where your coming from. And I'm sorry about the loss of your baby 😢
I just know if I abort this baby, I would be doing it for the sake of a man, for the sake of keeping a man who left me alone for months whilst he 'found himself and what he wanted' and is it worth doing something that in my heart I don't want to do, all for the sake of keeping a man.
Also I've tried so hard to keep this family together because when he left he was seeing kids when it suited him. And he was taking my children to meet his new gf only after 4 weeks of knowing her.

@IVEgottheDECAF
Thank you!!! That link will b elf some great help to me. I think I need some life experiences from other woman with big families

I feel like if we split again he will end up really angry and be very difficult to deal with when it comes to the kids ect.. but I won't abort just to save the peace

pusspuss9 the op has made her decision, so what you would do in that situation is irrelevant.

OP I’m very concerned that you are feeling suicidal- please contact your midwife and tell her that you are needing support.

I honestly think that you need to ask him to leave. You cannot start to feel better and look forward to your little one arriving if he is constantly manipulating you!

Your little one DOES NOT need an abusive arsehole for a Father! I would actually keep him off the birth certificate like he has requested!
Your baby is not going to hate you for giving them the chance to live!!! (They might hate their sperm donor Father for trying to bully you into aborting them though)

Don’t be afraid to tell anyone about your pregnancy, I would also be honest when telling people why he has left you! In fact kick him out, take control of the situation and make him leave. Tell him he is no longer welcome in your home due to his cruel and manipulative bullying behaviour. Don’t allow him to draw this out, tell him he can pack up his stuff (under supervision- would your ds/ bil/ db/other family members be able to oversee his packing and leaving?), alternatively I would pack them for him and kick him out!

@pusspuss9
You do sound as if you are making the decision not to abort for the right reasons, but I'm a bit worried about how you will cope afterwards. This is not to say I think you won't cope, in fact judging by what you say about looking after your other children, you seem to be a very good mother. I'm just a bit worried for you really.

above post should be @inthe dark, not at @pusspuss. I can be a right twit at times!!

@ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser
Thank you!
Midwife is coming to do my booking in appointment on Wednesday ( it's so late because of all this!) and I'll talk to her about all this. Your right, it doesn't make sense what he said, why would a child hate me for giving it a life and not aborting it? Wouldn't the child love a mother who actually wanted them. I have a friend from my children school, she is lovely and when my husband left me was very supportive offering to help me do shopping as she drives and always asking if she could help. I'm scared of telling her about the pregnancy because a part of me does feel ashamed for being pregnant by a man that did once leave me, but she's not the type to judge I'm just scared !

imthedark i don't drive either, i tend to do a couple of big shops a month online and get it delivered then get fresh stuff as and when needed

Talk to your midwife and talk to your friend.
I think you will be surprised by how good and kind many people are.

The shopping thing without a car is a pain but there's online shopping or perhaps walking to the shop and getting a taxi back. (Obviously that is going to cost but if it's only once or twice a month it should be manageable - don't know what your financial situation is like).

The first step needs to be to get that fucker out. Then your head will clear.
You managed on your own before when he did off so I am sure you can manage again.

inthedark you have NOTHING to be ashamed of! You are a grown woman in a serious relationship! It doesn’t matter if your baby was planned or not!

You are right, would you hate your Mother for giving you life? Of course not! Your baby is already loved and they will have five older siblings to dote on them too! Your baby will not hate you! They will love you and appreciate the fact that they have a strong and capable Mummy who fought for them and gave them life when they were being bullied into aborting them!

Practicalities wise, online shopping is definitely your friend! Apologies if this offends you - are you a Christian ? I only ask as I am sure that if you went to your local baptist church and told them your situation that they would try to help where they could. My local church have supported a young Mum through leaving her abusive husband and pressing charges against her ex.

You can also self refer to the charity homestart for some support.

www.home-start.org.uk/Pages/Category/things-we-can-help-with

Your husband is vile. I would thank my lucky stars that he is leaving as you deserve so much more. I hope this doesn't upset you, but do you think he could have continued seeing the OW? He may have told her that you no longer have sex and obviously a pregnancy will show that to be lies.

You will be absolutely fine I'm sure, I think your life will probably be happier without this pathetic excuse of a man in it.

Please get some support from your midwife, but don't doubt your abilities. You coped as a Mum of 5 and you will cope as a Mum of 6.

As for your child hating you, not going to happen! I'm sure your child will judge the non existent parent, not the one that loved and raised him or her.

Personally I wouldn't spare him either, if people ask why he left I would tell them the truth. You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about.

Oh OP I am so sorry to read your thread. I was once in a very abusive relationship with someone who forced me into having a termination. I was devastated at the time, but realise now it really was for the best now. Never ever let anyone make that decision for you!

You will make a great mum to 6! You sound like you really care for your children's wellbeing and will always look out for them the best you can!

You've (almost) got to laugh.

Trying to make you feel guilty that the children won't have a dad full time... erm, when he left you and them not long ago to shack up with another woman? Pahahahahaha!!! Ok...

The new baby won't have a dad? Erm yes it will. He won't be able to get any sort of 'divorce' even if you agree to it that fast, and not for five years if you don't! So yes it will be his baby and he will be liable for maintenance! (not that he'll pay any if self-employed).

You can refuse to facilitate the sort of nonsense 'contact' which involves him shunning the new baby and messing with your existing childrens' emotions anyway. Like as not, they won't want to bother with him with that attitude anyway.

Oh and back to the other woman? - look, chances are she got rid of the loser anyway and that's why he came running back.

Forget the threats - they're all designed to do one thing, make you abort, so he gets his way. None of them are true. Your biggest issue is likely to be keeping him out when he realises you're doing just fine without him and he whines to have his feet under the dinner table again. He probably won't even leave.

Beware then too, if the baby is a boy, expect him suddenly to barge his way back in and start laying the law down.

What a waste of space.

Thanks again everyone !!

He's just trying his best to hurt me into doing it
He just out that 10 kids and counting programme on, probably on purpose.
He says to one of the dads on there ( who has 10 kids with his wife and does every thing to help her) and my husband said 'he looks tired, walk away mate'
Just shows what kind of person my husband is. I'll deffo be doing this alone.
He said 'I've already made plans in my head for when you tell me you've decided to keep it. I'm anxious and scared but will try my best to get through it

Tell him and get it over with- better he goes now than in a few weeks time. It's mental cruelty.
This would give you time to get yourself together and settled with your DC before the new baby arrives.
Good luck.

Sounds like he is only staying now for convenience. It will also make him look bad if he leaves his pregnant wife and 5 other kids and we couldn't have that now could we.

What a selfish prick.

I just don't think I can cope with him anymore
He said 'your life is going to be hard on your own'
The more I think of it the more angry I get! How can a man justify leaving his wife for not wanting to have an abortion?? Like I'm being punished. I asked him what if it was any other woman who got pregnant by you whilst you wasn't with me and he said 'I would stick by that child because that would be one mistake but your my wife do it's different you have 5 so you shouldn't be having anymore so I won't deal with this second mistake.'