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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband demanding an abortion

567 replies

inthedarkx · 03/03/2019 22:41

I thought I would re post my post on here to see if I get more advice
Thank you in advance for reading.

So I'm pregnant with my 6th child. Won't go into details but I'm 13+1 and he immediately said I should have an abortion, no discussing it and if I want him to stay I will have one. I said I don't want an abortion and he said ok he will be gone just give him a week. He said 'good luck with bringing up 6 children as I won't be around full time' said I'm selfish on my kids.

I'm scared of going through an abortion at 13+1 and I'm also scared of becoming a single parent.

OP posts:
Hazlenutpie · 05/03/2019 19:02

You can be sterilised using keyhole surgery. They find your tubes and pop clips on them. I used to be a theatre nurse where they did this and it was done as a day case.

moretractorsplease · 05/03/2019 19:12

Congratulations op. I'm glad you've made a decision. Best of luck X

VictoriaBun · 05/03/2019 19:17

Op you sound like you have your head screwed on . You oh doesn't deserve you, he's a bully. From what you have told us about him you are worth a 100 of him.

Bluetrews25 · 05/03/2019 19:36

Keyhole surgery is still abdo wound (not as big as the old tubal ligation / mini-laparotomy, sure, but still surgery) and I'm guessing will most likely be GA? Or spinal + sedation if you are lucky.
Not saying this to put OP off, just to let her know it's actually 'more' than the termination where she was 'terrified' of the GA element. So if she would contemplate it for the steri, then she could do the lesser invasive TOP, as it seemed only the GA that was putting her off, from her first few posts. Obviously, she has decided not to do the TOP now. Her call.

Twisique · 05/03/2019 19:42

He sounds really horrible, his blackmail is downright nasty! You don't need him to be a family Flowers.

carrotflinger · 05/03/2019 19:56

And I know I'll hate that man for the rest of my life from now on.

Exactly. The relationship is over - abortion or no abortion.

A decent man does not threaten to leave if you have an abortion. A decent man says "I would prefer not to have a 6th child but I will support you in whatever decision you make because it is you who has to go through the procedure."

It sounds like you want to have the baby. If you do not want to terminate the pregnancy do not terminate the pregnancy.
He can then choose what he wants to do.

PiebaldHamster · 05/03/2019 20:01

You can be sterilised using keyhole surgery. They find your tubes and pop clips on them. I used to be a theatre nurse where they did this and it was done as a day case.

Well, they don't just 'pop' clips on, you have a GA and have your abdomen pumped full of gas and have keyhole wounds. A LOT of women experience quite a bit of pain afterwards and if someone's got 6 kids running around and no support that's far from a straightforward case. It's still surgery.

What you might look into is a Mirena coil after the baby's born, OP.

ANDYHANDY · 05/03/2019 20:12

Get rid of the husband. Keep the baby. You clearly want it. As you say, you are already going to hate him forever.

I hope you manage to find some peace.

Original poster
inthedarkx · 05/03/2019 20:14

Thanks everyone for the advice on the sterilisation procedure. Just to let everyone know why I am anxious about GA or sedation because your probably all thinking Why I am so anxious About it. Well when I was a child, I had to have some teeth out and I had to have that gas they used to give you to put you asleep, and it was the most traumatising experience of my childhood. I remember like it was yesterday. The mask they put on your face and the smell of the gas haunts me and the feeling of falling asleep when everything around you is blurry and strange. I know it's different these days, you have an injection in your hand but I've Always been scared of the thought of being put to sleep. But that's not he main reason for not wanting an abortion. I didn't want it in the first place, the procedure just heightened that decision

OP posts:
ANDYHANDY · 05/03/2019 20:16

Do not have an abortion that you do not want.

PiebaldHamster · 05/03/2019 20:26

You don't need to have any sedatives to have a Mirena coil unless there are some really extreme circumstances. I'd ask about it. I love mine! No periods!!

Original poster
inthedarkx · 05/03/2019 20:30

@PiebaldHamster

I will look into that. Thank you. I really really don't want any kids after this. I love my children but this is it now. I don't know how he will react when I tell him I won't be aborting. Will have to get ready for the heartbreak of him leaving all over again .

OP posts:
PiebaldHamster · 05/03/2019 20:38

Tbh, a lot of trusts don't fund female sterilisations anymore and some won't without trying a Mirena first so it's worth asking about. I took a couple of paracetemol about an hour before having mine and after giving birth 3 times it was just twingy for a few seconds and over. I love it and it's VERY effective. Many women stop having periods on it, too, bonus!

Yeah, he's being sweet just now because he's trying to manipulate you.

Original poster
inthedarkx · 05/03/2019 20:43

@PiebaldHamster

He's definitely trying to manipulate me, he's just got his bag he uses for work and gym from his wardrobe and 'joked' I'm just gonna get something from the car and laughed and it back saying 'I'm just trying to lighten the mood. It's horrible because he used that bag a lot in he period he left me carrying it around.

OP posts:
LineEyesForever · 05/03/2019 22:20

@Abouttimemum hi just saw your post. Thank you for this idea I will definitely ask about it. It worries me so much and I never thought of that possibility!

Soontobe60 · 05/03/2019 22:40

You will need a general for sterilisation.
A termination at 13 weeks is not the horrific event some people are making it out to be.
You have made an emotional decision which will have practical challenges to manage. As one of 6 children with 2 parents life was very hard. Unless you have plenty of money to take the stress of 6 children, your children will also have a difficult life, more than if there were only 5 siblings.
Your husband is a complete knob, but he is entitled to not want another child in these circumstances. It's all well and good people saying it's your choice alone on whether to terminate, but the decision not to do so will impact on everyone. Try to look at the full picture, and not be swayed just by an emotional response. You have 5 other children to consider.

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 06/03/2019 02:39

Seriously, the OP has made her decision to KEEP her baby, and others are trying to guilt/ persuade her to change her mind. I think she has enough of that from her husband!

The OP clearly wants her baby, trying to convince her to terminate is not fair! She needs support- it’s a personal choice and 100% up to the op! Of course there is an emotional response! The OP is a human being and is allowed to feel!

Wakk · 06/03/2019 03:45

Sorry if I missed this but was it planned and then he's changed his mind?

You do what's best for you.

YingYang79 · 06/03/2019 04:20

'He thinks we will go back to being happy as soon as this is done' Im wondering whether you were happy before this pregnancy? How is your family coping with 5 children currently, in terms of finances etc? Was this pregnancy even discussed before it happened, and if he didn't want any more children, did you both discuss contraception options etc?

I think if you want to go ahead with this pregnancy is up to you. But also take in to account the practicality of bringing up six children on your own and what this means to you.
Don't be forced in to an abortion. If things were fine prior to this, maybe hes just freaking out. perhaps, things will calm down once you have had an open discussion .
I wish you well.. i hope what ever you choose, will work out for you and your family.

TildaTurnip · 06/03/2019 06:20

soontobe60

She has made her decision (unfair of you to say it’s purely an emotional one) and in light of that, your comment is insensitive. Just because you don’t consider a termination at that stage a horrific event does not mean it isn’t one for others.

Tenpole · 06/03/2019 08:58

Agree with @YingYang79. The decision to have another child should be one that is in he best interest of all the family, and the most important people to consider are the five existing children.

Original poster
inthedarkx · 06/03/2019 09:15

@Tenpole and @YingYang79 I've thought about it all, and yes it will affect the whole family. I get that but by time treatment happens I'll be 15 weeks. And yes for some people going through a GA to have your 15 week old baby taken away isn't traumatic for some but it will be for me. I've spent years putting my husband first and I do with my children too. But sometimes as a mother you have to think of yourself. I will never forget him leaving me and the trauma he caused to me and my children, he forgets he did that and justify sit by saying 'well I'm back now'
It's not the point though because he didn't care about the kids future when he walked out on me. A part of me thinks I shouldn't have took him back and let him live in the mistakes he made.

OP posts:
Kko1986 · 06/03/2019 09:30

There is some amazing advice on this thread please listen to them.
DO NOT abort this child if you don't want to you will end up hating your husband and your relationship will end. So you will have aborted and the same out come will happen.
You have to make a choice for you and your current children. He is an idiot to threaten to leave personally I think if you want this baby go for it. I am sure you will love this baby as much as your current children and raise them all well without him yes it will be hard but only do what you want to do.
This decision will not only affect you and your husband but your mental health if you do this and you really don't want to you may end up hating yourself.

However if you decide to abort then make sure it is your choice. Good luck

naturelover24 · 06/03/2019 09:59

Sweetheart it's YOUR body, nobody else can tell you what to do in this matter. It scares me a bit that he's threatened you so much, no good man or partner would threaten to end a relationship in order to have control over your actions. Please, please listen to your own thoughts and do what is best for YOU, you don't want a man like this in your life! If your DH was having doubts he should have sat you down and discussed it sensitively, not threatened to end the relationship. It's just not on. To be honest, it sounds like you'd be far better off without him in your life anyway, this to me sounds like emotional abuse. Things will work out in the end regardless of what you choose to do... but make sure it's just that - YOU choosing. Good luck lovely x

Chocolate123 · 06/03/2019 10:22

There's no guarantee he'll stay if you have a termination. Then how would you feel? I personally think you'd be better off without him he sounds selfish. It will be tough but you'll be ok on your own Thanks