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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband demanding an abortion

567 replies

inthedarkx · 03/03/2019 22:41

I thought I would re post my post on here to see if I get more advice
Thank you in advance for reading.

So I'm pregnant with my 6th child. Won't go into details but I'm 13+1 and he immediately said I should have an abortion, no discussing it and if I want him to stay I will have one. I said I don't want an abortion and he said ok he will be gone just give him a week. He said 'good luck with bringing up 6 children as I won't be around full time' said I'm selfish on my kids.

I'm scared of going through an abortion at 13+1 and I'm also scared of becoming a single parent.

OP posts:
inthedarkx · 27/04/2019 11:01

@Contraceptionismyfriend thanks
I didn't know his lies to this extent
This has shocked me to the core
Divorce is going to happen as soon as I'm out!

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 27/04/2019 11:02

You can do this! His presence in your life is destroying you more than any assurance he can give.

WitchDancer · 27/04/2019 11:15

Hopefully she'll see through his lies and he'll end up with nothing. There's a hand to hold here 🤝

Contraceptionismyfriend · 27/04/2019 11:20

It doesn't matter if he ends up with her. It doesn't matter if he is happy. The worst thing I see happen in situations like this is one party becoming obsessed with how happy the other is.

There is no such thing as Karma. He could go and life a great life.
That has zero reflection on you OP. The best thing you can do now is focus on your own happiness.

RockinHippy · 27/04/2019 11:35

I've read most of your updates OP & the more I read, the more horrified I am by how beaten down, controlled & emotionally abused you are by this dreadful excuse of a man. No one with any self respect would accept even the smallest amount of what this guy does to you. He is already the 6th child in your relationship & a nasty spoilt brat that demands his own way & spits the dummy out if he doesn't get it, regardless of the effect on you or others.

You have 4 daughters, they will model there relationships on what they see at home.

Do you really want what you have for their futures?

Do you want your DS to grow up thinking this is how you treat women?

It might not feel like it now, change is scary, especially when you have been as beaten down as it sounds like you have been, but I suspect this 6th baby is actually your saviour & the saviour of the rest of your kids who deserve to grow up in a loving stable home where there mother is respected by their fathers. Your kids certainly don't have that now.

You ALL deserve better than this horror show poor excuse of a man & I suspect in time you will realise you were controlled by him & that love you think you feel is actually an addiction to the rollercoaster ride of a relationship this tosspot has you living in.

Why have you so little respect for yourself? Does your own family background play a part here, did you grow up feeling disrespected?? These are things I'd also suggest exploring with a counsellor if you can, as no way in hell is your situation a loving marriage. You're nothing more than teenage fly boys mum, providing him with a comfy base so that he can continue his philandering

You will be 100% better off with this man in your life as are your kids & his threats are ridiculous, they don't make you look bad, they make him look evil.

Stay strong, talk to those family & friends. You will look back on this when he's gone & wonder why the hell you accepted his shit for so long.
It's not love, it's abuse

Singlenotsingle · 27/04/2019 11:55

I've RTFT (at least, OP's updates). You'll be so much better off without him in your life, OP. What a nasty, controlling selfish piece of work he is! TBH, if you've already got 5 kids, I don't see that one more will make that much difference.

Wishing you well with this pregnancy and hope it all turns out ok. Don't have that man back under any circumstances will you? You're worth more than that!

SandyY2K · 27/04/2019 14:36

Given your history, your update is not surprising.

He has never been a good man and over the years, you've tied yourself to him for longer by having more children.

You're a SAHM so are financially dependent on him too, making it even more difficult.

he left me for a few months last year because he wasn't happy and came back and asked to make a go of it.

He left me, started a new relationship that didn't work out and came back to me

I've never been good enough for him, he's Always looked for something better. Constantly texting girls behind my back

he was taking my children to meet his new gf only after 4 weeks of knowing her

When I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I found out he had been seeing this other woman as well behind my back

Why oh why have I wasted my life with this man

Every time I said to him, what would you do if you had a child somewhere else as a 'mistake would you walk away from that one

You have an expectation of him to cheat on you. It's almost like you've accepted this is your life. There's no mistake of impregnating another woman. It is a conscious decision to have sex and ejaculate inside her....which a married man in a monogamous relationship shouldn't be doing.

We know he's a cruel specimen of a man....but you seem to have something in you that craves love from him in spite of how awfully he's treated you.

It's like you want/need a seal of approval from him. I don't know whether subconsciously you've felt in the past that having so many kids will keep him with you.

He's not a good man. He's mean, nasty and cruel. Some of the things he's said to you are just heartless.

Please start knowing you are worth a million of him and you don't deserve what he's doing.

I hope all us well with the baby... the stress your useless H has put you under is unforgivable.

inthedarkx · 27/04/2019 15:46

She even said they were planning babies together
After trying to get me to abort mine !

OP posts:
IVEgottheDECAF · 27/04/2019 15:49

All you can do now op is focus on the future Flowers forget him and her

inthedarkx · 27/04/2019 16:08

Would it be so wrong of me to cut contact with him permanently and don't even allow him to see the kids. He's damaged them enough. He's saying our kids have 'my genes' so will be 'thick like me' I want to Move and create a new life without him even in my kids lives
He's just too toxic

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 27/04/2019 16:29

Well, you could try. He might not be bothered, and just go along with it, and start having babies with this OW. Or he might kick off, and maybe take you to court for his rights to have contact with the dc. The norm seems to be alternate weekends and maybe one evening during the week.

Move away to nearer your family if that's what you want to do. Then it's up to him to make the effort to travel and see them. What's the betting he can't be bothered?

MrsJDornan · 27/04/2019 16:34

Oh OP he sounds like such an idiot

I'm glad you decided to keep your baby as that was what you wanted, he shouldn't get to dictate, if he didn't want more children then he should've protected himself

I hope your baby is ok, you sound strong and I don't think social services will take your children, you sound like a good mum and they will support you Thanks

Dullardmullard · 27/04/2019 17:27

Tell her to crack on making babies with him then. I'm wondering if this is him and not the OW, to be honest just out of spite

Now is the time to throw him to hell out and tell him to crack on with whatever he's doing.

move to your family for support and let him be. If he wants contact, say to him every other weekend and one day a week. He will kick off over this and expect more so tell him to take you to court.

do the freedom programme too.

Find that anger.

inthedarkx · 27/04/2019 18:18

Regardless of contact with the kids. I want to get so far away from him. Don't ever want to see his face again. He makes me sick. He had been calling me a 'dumb ass via text message' all night whilst I was on Hospital and you know what I am one, cos I've been with him Alll this time

I'm that desperate to get away I feel like walking into the housing office and asking for help

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 27/04/2019 18:20

He has shown you who he is OP, make plans to relocate nearer friends and family when you're fit too do so. Flowers

inthedarkx · 27/04/2019 18:34

Thank you to everyone on this thread, you've been there for me all this time and I appreciate. I honestly don't know where I would be without all this support from Mumsnetters

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 27/04/2019 18:53
Flowers
QueenBeex · 27/04/2019 19:23

You're doing really well OP, take care of yourself.

GoJetterGirl · 27/04/2019 19:37

Just RTFT OP,

You are one strong lady, your kids are lucky to have you,

He is a class A tosspot and hopefully the OW will be smart enough to see through his bullshit.

Don’t fear SS, you’ve done nothing wrong, you engaged with the midwife and got referred to the DV counsellor and are doing the recommended course, they will help you, and their involvement can help the court with regard to contact, his choice to leave you when you had just come home from the hospital speaks volumes to professionals and you have that text as proof of him knowing about the pregnancy and threatening you to have an abortion, maybe Ow should see a screenshot of that as it would be dated...

I wish you all the luck in the world, please keep us update Flowers

RockinHippy · 27/04/2019 22:25

OP, this just popped up when reading another website & I thought of you.

Don't blame yourself, your not a fool. He is damaged & dishonest & your strength & goodness drew him to you because it's what he lacks...

This article... mysticalraven.com/relationships/14566/3-reasons-why-strong-women-attract-narcissists-and-psychopaths

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this, but you & your kids deserve so much more. It's upheaval, but you've got this & you & your kids are all going to be so much happier in the long run.

I hope everything runs smoothly as possible for you & do keep talking to people & accept all help. You have nothing to be ashamed/scared of. It's daunting, but these are the first steps to a better much life & you being free to be yourself again & your kids witnessing healthy relationships 💐

inthedarkx · 28/04/2019 11:25

Thanks everyone
I'm home now
Tightenings seem to have settled after drinking water and using the pessrys. I just hope it didn't make the funnelling worsen I thought I could have a water infection but they tested it and it was clear. Because I was having a feeling like something was irritating my bladder.
Now I've woke up today, the realisation has hit me.

I'm so scared social services will go to my kid school and take them away. Social services know the names of my children now and was passsing the info over to social services. What's going to happen now. I don't want my kids taken away. I've done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 28/04/2019 11:29

Why on Earth would they take your kids away? Just because the abusive H has left? They don't want to take kids away unless they're in danger, because it's expensive to keep kids in care. Stop worrying about it.

Miljah · 28/04/2019 11:43

inthedarkx It's important you stay rational through this.

I completely understand you're in quite a situation, but you have to step back and ask yourself what possible grounds SS could have for removing your children.

They. Won't.

You need to focus on how you move forwards, but try really hard not to catastrophise. You have enough real stuff on your plate to get on top of, you don't need to work on imaginary scenarios!

inthedarkx · 28/04/2019 12:50

He's threatening to take his stuff because he has the receipts So he'll take sofa, chair wardrobes, I'll end up with nowhere to sleep. He will rip out the kitchen he put In. I'll be left with nothing. Is he entitled to take stuff from us she though he paid for it whilst living here because we will be left with nothing.

OP posts:
IVEgottheDECAF · 28/04/2019 12:57

You need to get professional advice about his threats

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