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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He asked why I haven’t waxed my arsehole and said...

226 replies

Michelledances · 03/03/2019 09:28

“Most women wouldn’t want that to be hairy”

Said almost in passing but I feel uncomfortable about it. Am I being too sensitive here?

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 03/03/2019 12:16

p.s. you will probably miss him and start to think actually he is not that bad and we had good times maybe we can save the relationship if I set some ground rules.
Ignore these feelings, he will apologise and say he will change but he never never will.
No matter how much it will hurt in the short term you are better without him.

SaturdayNext · 03/03/2019 12:17

I'm really curious about his knowledge of what "most women" think about this topic. Has he done a survey? And if he really thinks every woman wears heels at work, he can't have been looking at women at work. He's clearly not one of life's intelligentsia.

I wonder if he's still locked in his room sulking in complete ignorance of the fact that you've walked out?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/03/2019 12:29

He’s very overweight is one of them.

I'm afraid that if he made the comments to me that he is making to use, I would pounce on this insecurity (and any others I knew of) and use it mercilessly against him.

I might even make up some things to torment him with - and I'm normally not a cruel person (not in cold blood, anyway).

He's trying to make you feel rubbish about yourself, for whatever reason of his own. Don't let him.

If he doesn't like you hairy bum, though sh*t!, (If you'll pardon the expression Grin)

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/03/2019 12:29

*you, not use

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/03/2019 12:30

Im summary...

*he threatens violence
*He uses force
*He gaslights you
*He undermines your choices by telling you what you should wear and where you should wax
*He uses silent treatment as "punishment"

This man is an abuser plain and simple, this has red flags allover it.

I would tell you to tell him that when he can see his cock over his stomach that you will consider waxing your arsehole but I don't think he even deserves that.

You've posted about this before im sure...
End the relationship for good OP, end it straight away.

Pink993 · 03/03/2019 12:35

Be aware, after having an abusive relationship this is how they start...small things said in passing, upsetting but brushed aside by the man to make it seem like you have overreacted and he didn’t mean anything by it. They come along full of compliments, opening doors, flowers, telling you what you want to hear etc, then start slotting the comments in. It then becomes ‘why are you wearing that skirt, it’s too short’, or ‘I don’t like you doing that’. Eventually they have control of you and you don’t realise it. The tempers and threatening start, then the violence, and you can’t leave as easily as people think you can because you don’t know how to think for yourself any more, and anyway ‘You couldn’t manage without me’, and you believe it. Just be aware. I wouldn’t want anyone to have that sort of experience. Think hard about how the relationship has gone so far. If he goes ‘in that area’ is it something you want or are you putting up with it to keep him happy? I may be wrong about him but I’d rather be wrong than read future posts saying how unhappy you are. X

Jaxinthebox · 03/03/2019 12:37

OP - this isnt over - he will contact you, love bomb you and promise that you are over reacting and it was a 'joke'.

Please stay strong, dont go back, you might think he wouldnt put his hands on you, but this does escalate and he will.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 03/03/2019 13:21

One day op you will meet someone who never says bad things to you.
And he will truly love your hairy bum.
Nobody has the right to say such awful things to you - you do know that don't you?
Please block him in every way you can..
And don't answer the door either.

ItsalmostSummer · 03/03/2019 13:29

“Lovely” or “can be nice” people don’t say this though. Yuck! if people put up with this crap in relationships, it’s sad. And yes he’s a porn watcher that’s even worse. Why would you stay with him? It makes no sense. Somehow women accept this crap as just men being men. Or say but “they can be nice” people. He’s unhealthy and yes sees porn images as the norm. He needs to grow up, sort himself out and then see if he’s ready for a relationship. Even then I’d probably think no way. But hey if you choose to keep him it’s one less saddo on the streets torturing someone else.

Moralitym1n1 · 03/03/2019 13:57

He’s very overweight is one of them.

Uuugh. He's in no position to be fussing over aesthetics.

Anyway, the two things I was going to say (until I realised that there's lots of other stuff and posters think he's generally horrible, and op may even have ended it with him by now) is that;

A. He can't speak for most women.

And

B. The only small, slight non critical point could be that if he's performing oral sex on your anus (or including it as part of oral sex on you), I suppose it's not unreasonable to want no hair - performing oral sex on anyone with a good bit of hair around can be .. unpleasant.

Moralitym1n1 · 03/03/2019 13:59

If he's just doing oral sex and happens to have seen it then however; no

It's painful enough to wax hair in genital area without getting arseholes involved as well.

Moralitym1n1 · 03/03/2019 14:05

On Friday he threatened to break my fingers (doubt he would have ever touched me and carried out the threat). He’s pushed me from time to time but then I have fought backs bit

Eh, NO.

The waxing and heel wearing demands/nagging is the least of the problems.

But it sounds like you're no longer seeing him anyway op.

crimsonlake · 03/03/2019 14:07

I am glad he said what he did as it has at long last clearly given you the wake up call you needed to realise what a scumbag this man clearly is.

Ilovepinkroses · 03/03/2019 14:16

Do his eyebrows while he’s asleep then book him for some micro blading Smile

PotteryGirl · 03/03/2019 14:20

Oh my god. You must never, ever speak to this man again. Line drawn and on you go....to a more positive future. Don't waste time being sad or regretting..you've had a lucky escape.

NameChanger22 · 03/03/2019 14:45

He sounds horrible. Once you've dumped this fat, hairy arsehole remember to never date another one, there are a lot of them out there. Good luck.

Loyaultemelie · 03/03/2019 14:59

I didn't even know this was possible Shock

ohtheholidays · 03/03/2019 15:02

Michelledances Well done on getting away after only 1 year and I mean that sincerely!

It took me 9 years(he was my husband)I lost myself and my life from the age of 16-25,the things he did to me he could have been locked up for for a very long time and alot of what you've said were the very early warning signs in my abusive relationship.

Now you've taken a stand make sure you don't go back,whenever you feel like you might, write down all of the awful,horrible things he's done to you and look back over that list and think would you want anyone else you know(friends or family)or even anyone on here to be in a relationship(I wish they'd come up with a different word for these kinds of situations because a relationship is something that's supposed to be positive and what you've been through and I went through is far from positive)like this.

You are worth so much more than this and the more time you waste on that arsehole the less time your allowing yourself to find someone who does deserve you! Flowers

DointItForTheKids · 03/03/2019 15:22

Well OP, you have now waxed off an arsehole - your ex partner!!

Well done to you WineGin.

I would recommend as well prior to talking to him again or entering into a further relationship to read up on 'the cycle of abuse' so you gain understanding on it. It's awful to realise you've ended up with an abuser but it's absolutely nothing you've done wrong OP. These people prey on nice people like you to pour their poison on. They're very good at it, they nice enough just enough of the time to keep you hanging around but I'm afraid no amount of rational conversation with them will EVER get them to change. They can't change - that is a FACT, it's NOT different in your case (sadly) - it's how this game is played.

So I'm so rooting for you to not be taken in by any promises to change or anything of that sort because he doesn't/won't mean it and to give yourself some proper free clear space from him to go off and sort your head out (because he's been digging away at you for a long time and it has changed some of your thinking and made you rationalise abusive behaviour as ok and you need to give a bit of time for you, to unpick all of that).

yellowsun · 03/03/2019 17:17

Well done OP.

I’m not sure whether you’ve said about keys to your house or not..if he has copies, please get the locks changed. Women who have experiences like this are most at risk when they leave their partner. I don’t want to scare you but want you to be safe.

ohfourfoxache · 03/03/2019 17:18

I think you need to block the cuntweasel before he emerges from silent mode

ChesterGreySideboard · 03/03/2019 17:19

Well done for getting away.

When he contacts you saying that he is going to change and promises you hearts and flowers then ignore him. He won't change. He has shown you who he really is now.
Leave him to wank off to porn star arseholes.

Jaxinthebox · 04/03/2019 20:05

How are you @Michelledances?

MellyPapa · 04/03/2019 20:09

Dump him.

When he asks why tell him you have no need for two hairy arseholes and the first one you had is much more useful.

MellyPapa · 04/03/2019 20:10

Sorry should have RFT. Well done OP!

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