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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He asked why I haven’t waxed my arsehole and said...

226 replies

Michelledances · 03/03/2019 09:28

“Most women wouldn’t want that to be hairy”

Said almost in passing but I feel uncomfortable about it. Am I being too sensitive here?

OP posts:
AwayToday · 03/03/2019 11:30

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Original poster
Michelledances · 03/03/2019 11:32

I don’t think he would ever have hit me. The most that ever happened was pushing me out of the way and that was only if I was in his space and crying asking him to talk...I could easily have given him space. But I know pushing isn’t ok really either.

Glad to be home even though I feel sad

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 03/03/2019 11:36

Is it too soon and insensitive for us to start helping you dump him by text?

I feel a limerick coming on....

After all Fat and Tat rhyme so beautifully!

(If it is too soon then ignore me - but sometimes I think being able to laugh makes it all a bit easier.....)

OdeToDiazepam · 03/03/2019 11:38

Definitely the right thing to leave him op.. stay strong Thanks

TheSerenDipitY · 03/03/2019 11:39

dont feel sad
feel strong!
feel fucken angry!
feel angry because someone who loves you should be lifting you up not pushing you down
feel angry that he took a year of our life from you
feel angry that he made you doubt yourself
feel strong that you knew deep down that this is wrong and asked "most women"
feel proud that you had the strength to walk away
and feel determined to not take him and his abuse back!!!
FEEL STRONG AND PROUD!

chipsandgin · 03/03/2019 11:39

Well done for leaving - that’s one hairy arsehole you are far better off without...(sorry, couldn’t resist - I’m all seriousness though, good luck - he’s an utter bellend & you deserve better, look back on this thread if you falter & stay strong Flowers

lizzzyyliveson · 03/03/2019 11:41

Well done for realising that this relationship is done. I would be tempted to ghost him. Don't tell him what he has done wrong, he will use that knowledge on his next victim/girlfriend.

Progress2019 · 03/03/2019 11:42

What you’ve done is very brave. Its completely understandable to feel a bit lost. Hes obviously been a big part of your life for the past year.

I’m worried my daughter might be in a relationship slightly like yours. Not bum hair or high heels (as far as I know), but shes slim yet he’s always saying she should lose weight (she’s 5’6.5 and weighs 7.5 stone); and that he can’t use long words when talking to her as she won’t understand. She loves to read, and is quite a talented writer, so I’ve no idea what hes basing this on.

What I think is like you is that he is not very good looking, and shorter than her, but shes a very pretty girl, and I think he thinks that if he puts her down enough, she’ll believe it, and stay with him.

Well done for getting out Michelle Flowers

TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/03/2019 11:45

God who even are these men? I haven’t slept with anyone except DP since 1991, but I went round the block a bit in my time. A guy who had been in prison for assault. A guy who sold drugs. Quite a few dodgy randomers (I was young and stupid).

No one ever came remotely near threatening to break my fingers or threatening anything at all ever in fact. Was I incredibly lucky or have men got markedly shittier? Are my poor daughters going to have to deal with this?

Walk away and don’t look back OP. Take care.

whataboutbob · 03/03/2019 11:46

Michelle I have never commented on relationships issues on mumsnet before, however it is so clear to me this man is an abuser, he is starting from a place of aggression and control and it is not going to get better because for him to change would probably require years of therapy and honest self analysis and there’s no sign he’d do that.
He’s trained you to make excuses for his behaviour. There really is no good future for you with him. I hope you don’t have kids or anything else substantial invested with this nasty piece of work, please get out and move on. Give yourself the chance to meet someone who is not into playing games.

0rangeB0ttle · 03/03/2019 11:47

I was on an aeroplane waiting to take off. I noticed that one of the air stewardesses changed her heels, to exact colour and style to a lower more comfortable style. I thought to myself, oh that's how they do it, how clever ! I've also seen the fold up ballet pumps that you can put in your hand bag to walk home safely after a night out. Love yourself first and don't ever do anything that you are uncomfortable with. You deserve better.

TheSerenDipitY · 03/03/2019 11:48

you most likely want to take some time and decompress as it were, when you have doubts come back and read all your posts and also ask for advice here,
many many women have been right where you are and have gotten out and have a lot of wisdom to share and help you see clearly especially if hes in one ear saying things, and can also steer you towards good reading resources and websites and even womens aid groups if you need more help... you are not alone

TrentBridge · 03/03/2019 11:51

There are a lot of people divulging a lot of very personal information to a first time poster talking about arseholes. Appreciate that people want to be supportive but still!

NewName54321 · 03/03/2019 11:51

With the comment regarding high heels at work - do you work at the same place?

lizzzyyliveson · 03/03/2019 11:53

Go around your home with a bag and put anything that is his in it and stash it by the door so if he calls round you can give him it with no drama. Stay strong.

LonelyandTiredandLow · 03/03/2019 11:59

Remember too that biochemistry of estrogen and androgens will have played a part in the early stages which can overshadow your basic instincts. I usually think after 6-8 months you are back to your right mind (suspect this was when you began "noticing" his actual behaviour?).

Just chalk it up to a bad experience and try to ensure you look for someone who is much more supportive next time. I'd happily give him the silent treatment back and stick to very simply No means No texts until he leaves you alone. I am sure he will be grovelling in a short while, but keep your wits about you - he isn't a catch. Throw him back into the sea.

Fishwifecalling · 03/03/2019 11:59

I'd change the locks and then dump him by text. I'd normally advocate sound it in person but but he doesn't deserve that. I would be non confrontational though.
"On reflection, it appears that our relationship has run its course. I'm not happy in it any more. Good luck for the future"

ClosdesMouches · 03/03/2019 12:00
Hmm
myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 03/03/2019 12:06

Your first posts made me think you should get rid of the hairy arsehold - HIM! but your later posts make it clear that he is violent and has threatened you. You cannot stay in a relationship with this man and I hope that now you have left, you don't have any further contact with him.

It doesn't matter how "nice" he is at times, a nice man would not threaten to break your fingers.

Regarding the waxing, I have a couple of friends who take it all off , however I have more friends that don't touch the area in any way! and yes, we do talk about is as friends as one of us is a waxer by trade and it often crops up in conversation. Grin

So you are totally normal to have hair wherever it may be and it is totally your choice whether or not you get rid of it.

Please please make sure that you block him and have no further contact. If he threatens you again, then call 101 and get it logged with the police, so if you ever have to call them, you would be treated as a priority.

Lucked · 03/03/2019 12:06

I was chilled reading your post about him threatening to break your fingers and the pushing. He is awful OP, it doesn’t matter how nice he can be at other times he is dark and twisted on the inside and he will destroy your confidence and self esteem. The physical abuse will also escalate - it always does and you have only been with him a year.

There are kind men out there, this is not normal.

FrancisCrawford · 03/03/2019 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RelaisBlu · 03/03/2019 12:08

On Friday he threatened to break my fingers

Very glad to hear you've left OP.

He is a violent misogynistic bully.

If he contacts you and tries to persuade you to return remember your sentence that I've quoted above. Someone who threatens such a thing is perfectly capable of actually doing it as these things tend to escalate the longer a relationship lasts.

Do not go back.

gamerwidow · 03/03/2019 12:15

You've made a very brave first step. This kind of chipping away at your confidence by talking negatively about your body and the things you do is textbook abuser behaviour designed to make you question and doubt yourself.
You are fantastic just as you are, any man who makes you feel less than that in any way is bad for you.

TickTockBaby · 03/03/2019 12:16

Does he often attempt to make you compare yourself to "every other woman"?
He seems a right dick, if he has body insecurities like you say OP how would he feel if you passed comment on those and compared him to "every other" man?!?
Get rid.

NChangedForToday · 03/03/2019 12:16

@Progress2019 dont want to sidetrack the thread, but do keep a close eye on this one. You could have been describing my ex, two phrases I heard regularly stick in my head to this day 'fat and ugly' 'thick and stupid' - I was neither and just wish I had walked away far far sooner than the 13 years (yes, 13) I stuck in out and got more and more ground down. I had no one close telling me it wasn't right (and this was pre-MN days!) but I keep an eye on younger relatives now to try and make sure they dont get dragged down by some controlling knobhead. I'm doing fine now but do wonder what else I could have achieved had I not 'lost' those key younger years.

Michelle - same goes for you love, dont let this moron take away your self respect or control you. Think of it as a lesson learned and never be told what to do by any man, no matter how subtle it starts. Trust me, one day you will look back and think 'thank goodness I didnt stay longer'.