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Original poster

Embarrassing advice

115 replies

midlifecrisis12 · 01/03/2019 21:10

I'll keep this as short as possible.

I'm in my fifties - haven't been in a new relationship for 30 years.

I've very stressed. A very romantic weekend has been booked - no-one has ever done this for me before.

But I have absolutely no clue what to do in the bedroom.

Am I expected to wax? What about underwear? I don't even know what sexy knickers are when you're old and overweight.

ANY advice VERY welcome!!!

OP posts:

StillMedusa · 02/03/2019 01:23

Just go with the flow!
Pubes...no pubes and everything in between..your choice! I'm 51 so the 'bald' generation has passed me by,,tidy and short is fine. And unless he's 20 he won't be expecting bald !
Lube though.. good call.. you don't have to whip it out at the moment.. apply a little in the loo beforehand and if possible have it in the bedside table or under a pillow!

I bet you won't need a poo anyway ... :)
Just enjoy.. he obviously fancies you to book a weekend away, and frankly most men are just pleased to have the chance, whatever you are wearing! (Mine seems happy with me going to bed in men's boxers and a t shirt... they just come off anyway!)

beenwhereyouare · 02/03/2019 02:02

Two things:
If not lube, definitely a feminine moisture product and a warming lotion as well. Both can be done ahead of time without sharing, and the warming lotion could be fun for both.
AND, there's a product in the US called Poo Pourri, which you sprinkle on the water before the poo, and it traps the odor. Never tried it, but a friend says it totally works.
Have fun and go, you for finding romance!

SurgeHopper · 02/03/2019 02:14

Well this is all very exciting!

Please come back and tell us how it went.

IncrediblySadToo · 02/03/2019 02:38

You know your own body & whether you’ll need lube or not. Frankly, it’s the last thing I need.

Are you going tomorrow or another weekend?

Do you both have kids at home?

Personally I prefer the first time to be way more spontaneous, I hate this planned first time stuff, it gives you far too much time to get nervous, so if the opportunity arose, I’d jump his bones before then. Then you can relax and have a nice.weekend.

You’ll have a better time if you’re ‘you’, rather than trying to do/be/wear things to impress him. If you do that you’ll just feel self conscious and not at all relaxed.

HAve fun 😁

NotTheFordType · 02/03/2019 03:16

\How long are you planning to spend with him?

NotTheFordType · 02/03/2019 03:17

It spends like st leastt 4k.

Girlzroolz · 02/03/2019 04:24

Here’s my big tip...jump him as soon as you can after reaching the room. Maybe wait until the bellhop leaves .

Then it stops all the overthinking and awkwardness! One quick bonk to break the ice. Then off out for a while before rounds 2, 3, 4, etc. Romantic walk, check out the pool, out for a meal, etc. You’ll be pink with success and have wonderful conversations swirling with new intimacy!

Added bonus is that if there’s something not-so-great about the sex, you can talk about it early on and not ruin the whole weekend. Chance to get it sorted, or just have a laugh about it.

I’m envious, sounds like you’ve got a wonderful weekend ahead!

user14869556378 · 02/03/2019 06:30

Stop stressing about the pooing! Surely not going to spend 48 hours in the hotel room! You'll have plenty of opportunities to use public toilets when you go out if you need to. You are going to have a fabulous weekend! Enjoy! And love the idea of wafting around in a robe

threesixnine · 02/03/2019 06:43

Christ you'll need a rucksack the way this lot are going on.

Just relax. He likes you.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 02/03/2019 07:09

Agree with the PPs who are saying relax and be you! It's you he likes.

I'm mid 50s, I do have a Brazilian, don't need lube, always carry condoms, have my nails painted and have a range of underwear/lingerie. But none of that helps you OP!! Do whatever you need to fee confident, and have lots of fun

MumsyJ · 02/03/2019 07:13

Hahaha love this thread, all ye crazy bunch!
I agree with everything said. Breathe in, breathe out and you're good to go OP.

I'm a sucker for Ann Summers but hey that's just me. Just be you and have a fabulous time. P.S, give him something to think about whilst not with him 😉.

Let us know how it went. We're (I'm) that nosey .

Milomonster · 02/03/2019 07:24

Love this thread!!! Best of luck. You know we will be waiting for an update .
M&S Rosie range has the most pretty knickers and bras.

LaLaLamp · 02/03/2019 07:51

brew and now poo the two most irritating words of the day so far

love this thread and can't wait to see how it all went. I too would be mortified, been single too long now!

OddCat · 02/03/2019 08:02

Regarding the poo issue - take a box of matches with you and strike one or two post poo , the pong will disappear.

Have a great time!

StarlightLady · 02/03/2019 08:54

BatshitCrazyWoman - I think this is sound advice. OP, do not over think this, he is probably as nervous as you. New undies, if you have the budget, are nice and a treat for you afterwards too . I don’t think it’s quite the time to venture into drastic new ground in the pube department (I’m in my 40s, born again single and been smooth for years and years, but there’s a time and place for change) so relax. As others have said, condoms, your own sexual health is your responsibility. And get laid as soon as you can after closing that door. Sounds as if you have some catching up to do.

We all poo.

And, l’m afraid I’m going to have to go against some earlier advice. Lighting a match could set off a smoke alarm.

Consider the oral issue too. If he looks as if he is offering to go down on you, mores the better.

Notwiththeseknees · 02/03/2019 08:57

You can buy lube in Boots & pay at self-service

Honeybooboo123 · 02/03/2019 09:05

Simply be have some fab lingerie, in a range of sizes and sexiness...Go for it

TooTrueToBeGood · 02/03/2019 09:10

OK so lube and air freshener added to my list

Just make sure not to let nerves get the better of you. You don't want to get them mixed up in the heat of the moment :)

dudsville · 02/03/2019 09:32

We do all poo, but the farting can be difficult. The last time i was single i remember being up all night with one chap because I had so much wind and the toilet was right next to the bedroom so no privacy. That's just not something I like to do in front of anyone other than an actual partner. So, if ever I'm single again i would take wind-eze!

Meandwinealone · 02/03/2019 09:38

@BatshitCrazyWoman

I'm mid 50s, I do have a Brazilian, don't need lube, always carry condoms, have my nails painted and have a range of underwear/lingerie

Is that just for when you’re popping to Asda

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 02/03/2019 10:09

Only on MN would people suggest taking air freshener to a hotel incase you perform a basic bodily function...

Shellery · 02/03/2019 11:30

Oddcat lighting a match to get rid of poo smells is a myth. It doesn't work,and in fact the smell of the burnt blown-out match goes far further would look far far odder than a poo smell. OP's new man would wonder what on earth she was setting on fire in there!

Air freshener is a bit stinky too and still says you've done a poo. The VIPoo stuff is in a tiny bottle and can go in with your other toiletries in the bathroom. It really does work without a giveaway.

I am with you OP on the poo front. I went on a weekend away with a new BF when I was younger and was mortified that you could hear every trump and squeak through the thin ensuite door, and smell every smell. I also put loo paper down the pan before starting to muffle the sound of the plop!

Shellery · 02/03/2019 11:33

Trendy Performing a basic bodily function such as a poo might be a fact of life, but the smells and sounds aren't exactly sexy or glamorous for a first weekend away with a new partner! "Hold the champagne, darling. I'm going for a big dump - hold your nose! "

Lozzerbmc · 02/03/2019 11:34

50’s is not old - have a lovely time !

Gina2012 · 02/03/2019 11:42

Is that just for when you’re popping to Asda

😂

Surely Waitrose?

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