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Original poster

Feeling trapped by brothers dependancy. Help!

139 replies

pleasehelpme2019 · 28/02/2019 16:12

I have namechanged for this, as it could be quite outing.
My mum died 2 and a half years ago and I my resilience has really taken a hit following that and I do struggle to cope at times.
He has a very mild learning difficulty, this has been exacerbated by excessive substance misuse (this was in a report by a psychologist). I grew up with him being a manipulative, violent (at times) alcoholic. He would then constantly be in a cycle of giving it up and going back to it.
He caused her immense hurt and worry but she always just persisted, trying to help him and take care of him.
When my mum died she left his inheritance to be left in trust with me and my husband as the trustees, she knew that he would either give it away to various undesirables that he knew, that exploited him, or that he would drink it all.
Anyhow, without the safety net of my mother, he just completely fell apart and it shone a light on the fact he cannot take care of himself. He is now in the position of having to have carers go in to see him daily to check his various medications and help him try and live independently.
There has been a recent situation with this arrangement whereby the Council stopped paying for his care for a period, we have now settled all this. However, during this period he was telling carers and social workers that I was refusing him money for things he needed (he never even asked me), telling me his carers were treating him badly (I spent so much time fighting his case over this), only to then find out its all bullshit.
Like I said earlier, since my mum died I don’t have the resilience to cope with things like I used to and trying to fight his corner against all the things he has been alleging, has been exhausting (I also live 240 miles away, have a stressful full time job and my own family), and then to find out that not only is it all lies, but he has also been lying about me, is just too much.
I feel like the worst person in the world right now for saying this but I feel like I have reached my breaking point, I feel like I resent the fact that I now have to look after the man who ruined my childhood, who abused my mother. I feel like all this time Ive worried myself sick trying to help him because I know deep down that if I don’t know one else will, but I feel like enough is enough, He has created all this drama and this entire situation for what? For his own entertainment? For attention? Maybe he has started drinking again??? Who knows.
But all I want to do right now, is write him a cheque for all his money and just cut him out, but I cant do that can I? I just feel so trapped.

OP posts:
anniehm · 28/02/2019 16:24

Have you discussed options with adult social services, they are best placed to be able to tell you what options you have. It seems you need to hand over his welfare to professionals, his money could be left in trust with a monthly stipend

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 28/02/2019 16:24

Horrible situation, OP - it sounds like you are doing your very best in horrible circumstances.

I would guess that your brother is hard to like. Everyone wants to be liked, but the best he can aim for is sympathy and attention, so he says whatever gets him those things. He probably also has feelings of resentment towards you for (naturally) not liking him, which is why you are one of his targets. Plus he is an addict, with all that that entails.

He is never going to get better, and you would be forgiven for taking a step back and just keeping an eye from a distance to see he is not grossly exploited. It doesn't sound as if you would be able to totally disengage - I think your mum set it up that way knowing you would never do it. Flowers

Original poster
pleasehelpme2019 · 28/02/2019 16:30

Hes currently involved with adult social care through the event that happened after my mum died. They housed him and put the care package in place.
Beyond that, as he is a self funder they wont provide further support.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/02/2019 16:40

I do not blame you at all for reaching your breaking point now and you are well within your own rights here to walk away altogether. Your mother enabled her son throughout and threw you under in the process. Doing that for him did her no favours either; it only gave her a false sense of control.

You do not mention your father; is he in your life at all now?

Re your earlier comment:-

"When my mum died she left his inheritance to be left in trust with me and my husband as the trustees"

Is there any way that the names of the trustees can now be altered for others to administer his part of her estate?. This is something I would look into.

averystrangeweek · 28/02/2019 16:41

Hand over responsibility and power of attorney or whatever it is to a solicitor and wash your hands of it. That's what I had to do with my uncle after my dm died.

Original poster
pleasehelpme2019 · 28/02/2019 16:46

atilla my dad died many years ago.
Regarding his money, I don't know if the trustees can be changed. I'll look into that. Right now I just want to write him a cheque for the whole amount and let him just get on with it.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/02/2019 16:51

Am sorry to read about your dad.

I would certainly speak to your Solicitors with regards to removing both your H and yourself from being the executors of your late mother's estate re your brother.

Do not under any circumstances write him a cheque for his share; it will be all gone within a matter of weeks if not sooner. He will get on with it regardless of whether you are one of the executors or not.

Happynow001 · 28/02/2019 18:21

Totally agree with Avery and Attila. I know your mother was trying to do the best for your brother but she has actually thrown you under the bus (sorry!). Hope you manage to diet this out/extricate yourself OP - you sound at the end of your tether. 💐 for you.

Original poster
pleasehelpme2019 · 28/02/2019 18:53

The will has already been executed, I need to try and remove us as trustees on the account.
At the moment I can't cope with the guilt of feeling like I have to help him (cos no one else will), weighed up with the resentment I feel toward him. I'm just trying to get myself to a place where I can put myself and my family first.

OP posts:
Original poster
pleasehelpme2019 · 01/03/2019 06:29

Spoke to db last night. He is adamant he never said any of that stuff. Apparently everyone's lying but him Hmm

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 01/03/2019 06:33

Can you hand it over to solicitors to act as trustees? What would have happened/ will happen if you died before your brother?

AwkwardSquad · 01/03/2019 06:34

Look into the Court of Protection and whether the local authority could be appointed as deputy, OP. www.gov.uk/courts-tribunals/court-of-protection

PersonaNonGarter · 01/03/2019 06:38

Don’t try to change your brother - you are on a hiding to zero.

Get professional trustees to administer the money, and then resign.

And be kind to yourself, you’ve done well. FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers

AwkwardSquad · 01/03/2019 06:44

Although the Court of Protection route would depend on whether or not your brother actually lacks capacity to make financial decisions.

FleeceDetective · 01/03/2019 06:48

How much money is left? Ball park figures. Is it enough to buy a property outright, or to have a decent monthly income for a number of years?

Original poster
pleasehelpme2019 · 01/03/2019 06:59

Ball park about 37k.
He had a mental capacity assessment as part of the adult social care assessment and he has been deemed as having capacity but limited understanding of financials. So for instance his day to day money he is ok with, but a thousand may as well be a million to him.
As an aside to this, when he had a financial assessment earlier this year he started to try and push for me to get power of attorney. Obviously I said no as I am only just hanging on to my sanity as it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
pleasehelpme2019 · 01/03/2019 07:02

I was awake loads last night over this. Am so tired I actually feel sick. But still have to slap a smile on my face and go into work got a huge deadline today.

OP posts:
FleeceDetective · 01/03/2019 07:18

Bless you op, it’s not a situation of your choosing and all you’ve tried to do is your best for no gratitude.

I think I’d have reached the same conclusion as you have, Hand over his inheritance and draw a line.

MsTSwift · 01/03/2019 07:22

Trustees can be changed happens all the time. Find some local solicitors they can be the trustees if enough in the trust for their fees

DoctorDread · 01/03/2019 07:28

Nothing practical to offer op but just wanted to offer my support for an awful situation BiscuitThanks

DoctorDread · 01/03/2019 07:28

Ooh sorry - didn't mean to put a biscuit there 🤭

Original poster
pleasehelpme2019 · 01/03/2019 07:29

It's ok doctor I like a biscuit..

OP posts:
user1498854363 · 01/03/2019 07:32

Op, I recommend you speak to adult services, it sounds like you need them to take over his finances. You have to tell them you can’t!
How does he access his money? Does he get DLA/PIP as an income and what is inheritance spent on?

He wouldn’t get benefits with that money, what is the plan for it? He will be paying for his care. Is he in supported housing? Is this an option (so he gets support with these daily living skills?)

You can via solicitors if you want but as NOK you will still be involved. Ideally local authority will take it on, and set a weekly figure, then you can stay involved in an annual review!
It’s his money if he wants to waste it, it is his right. What is he saving it for?

picklemepopcorn · 01/03/2019 07:32

I think the first step is to put boundaries in place and see if that is enough.

Set up a direct debit or a shopping card of some kind so he has a weekly/fortnightly sum.

Reduce all contact to a monthly phone call.

You are trustee for the money, not the man.

CharlyAngelic · 01/03/2019 07:36

I think if you give your brother “his half” he will just spend it . Then , he will still come back to you.
Sorry for your situation Flowers