Feeling trapped by brothers dependancy. Help!

[pleasehelpme2019]

I have namechanged for this, as it could be quite outing.
My mum died 2 and a half years ago and I my resilience has really taken a hit following that and I do struggle to cope at times.
He has a very mild learning difficulty, this has been exacerbated by excessive substance misuse (this was in a report by a psychologist). I grew up with him being a manipulative, violent (at times) alcoholic. He would then constantly be in a cycle of giving it up and going back to it.
He caused her immense hurt and worry but she always just persisted, trying to help him and take care of him.
When my mum died she left his inheritance to be left in trust with me and my husband as the trustees, she knew that he would either give it away to various undesirables that he knew, that exploited him, or that he would drink it all.
Anyhow, without the safety net of my mother, he just completely fell apart and it shone a light on the fact he cannot take care of himself. He is now in the position of having to have carers go in to see him daily to check his various medications and help him try and live independently.
There has been a recent situation with this arrangement whereby the Council stopped paying for his care for a period, we have now settled all this. However, during this period he was telling carers and social workers that I was refusing him money for things he needed (he never even asked me), telling me his carers were treating him badly (I spent so much time fighting his case over this), only to then find out its all bullshit.
Like I said earlier, since my mum died I don’t have the resilience to cope with things like I used to and trying to fight his corner against all the things he has been alleging, has been exhausting (I also live 240 miles away, have a stressful full time job and my own family), and then to find out that not only is it all lies, but he has also been lying about me, is just too much.
I feel like the worst person in the world right now for saying this but I feel like I have reached my breaking point, I feel like I resent the fact that I now have to look after the man who ruined my childhood, who abused my mother. I feel like all this time Ive worried myself sick trying to help him because I know deep down that if I don’t know one else will, but I feel like enough is enough, He has created all this drama and this entire situation for what? For his own entertainment? For attention? Maybe he has started drinking again??? Who knows.
But all I want to do right now, is write him a cheque for all his money and just cut him out, but I cant do that can I? I just feel so trapped.

user he works so he has a salary.
He doesnt qualify for PIP or dla, I don't think he gets any benefits. He was housed in LA housing with support provided by carers from the LA.
He currently has spent it on football season tickets, furnishing his flat and a break away with his friend.

I would not at all do anything like setting up a shopping card or direct debit; it will in all likelihood be sold on or otherwise used to pay for drink. He is not going to appreciate it and is enabling him.

All your brother has done and will continue to do is take, take and take some more. Your late mother was bled dry emotionally by him and she still wanted to help and or save him. What she tried did not work, do not make the same mistakes she did here. She passed that rotten legacy of enabling him on to you. Thankfully you said no to being appointed his donor re power of attorney (and those things are a can of worms too). A new set of trustees needs to manage that sum of money for him now because that won't last at all long if he got his hands directly on it.

The best thing you can do for yourself OP is to extricate both you and your H from the trustees role as soon as possible. It is partly her enabling attitude that has given you the problems you have now re your brother. You can only help your own self ultimately your brother really does not want your help or support. Just someone else to blame for his own downfall.

I know that horrible situation. I have a brother who is in denial about being in the final stages of alcholism. I saw the unreasonable demands placed on my parents when mum was dying. He made my dad so worried fom the extra stress he died on the same day as my mum.

I have had to fight to prevent him from naming me on a joint account, deal with the claims I have not given him his share of the estate. The thought of being his trustee for his amount and the batshot crazy demands for more and more was making me feel ill from stress.

In the end I instructed the solicitors to set up a trust and act as the trustees of said trust due to limited mental capacity due to end stage alcholism. Something I never ever envisioned I would ever have to do but it means some of the more obnoxious and grandiose claims have now stopped comming to my door.

As hard as it has been to resist his demands that I am the named person for finance, its not a problem if I open a bank account with him and so on, I HAD to stick to this to avoid the huge debts he has run up resulting in his creditors and CCJ's comming to my door and placing my own family in debt. Please seek advice from a decent solictor about this. Sometimes having a person between you and the situation a sibling's poor choices causes is the only sane and wise course of action left. I did not feel aneed to use al-anon but if your struggling they may be a source of support and a space for you to explore what is right for you to do.

I started to completely fall apart at work yesterday so I had a good long chat with my manager. She's very supportive and can be an excellent listener.
Though something I've just realised I missed from my OP (Sorry its been a long few days). After speaking with his social worker the other day she advised me that during one of her visits she took a junior social worker. When he started saying that I wouldn't allow him money for things he needed the JSW suggested afterwards that I may be financially abusing him.
Luckily his SW did not pursue this as she is familiar with his case.
My manager explained not only do I need to extricate myself for my own mental health, but if he continues throwing these allegations around it could have implications where I work (I work in children's social care). She explained that in all likelihood there would be no action taken but there would have to be HR involvement.
But she's given me a plan to extricate myself. He has a care planning meeting next week. Even though I live so far away I am taking the day off to attend and taking someone for support. The reason I'm taking support is because I'm removing myself from all social care/carer decision making or advising. Unless there is a medical emergency with my brother they are not to contact me (seriously you would not believe how much they do and that alone can put a massive stress on me).
That way it is recorded, it is minuted it cannot be ignored. I also have a solicitor appointment to discuss the trust on Monday.
I know he will apologise and I know he will cry, but I also know those tears won't be for me. They won't be for everything he put me through or the strain he put on my family. They will be for him.
He will not feel bad because since my mum died his need for attention has:
Completely ruined dhs milestone birthday the year my mum died, the first nice day I'd had since then;
Ruined my family holiday;
Resulted in me having to take a non molestation order out and have a police marker put on my house after he played me and a mentally unstable relative off against each other and ;
All of what happened in the OP.
I know it sounds dramatic but my mum has been dead 2.5 years. I don't feel like I've even been able to grieve for her properly as I'm always dealing with his shit.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Reclaim your life, protect yourself from his accusations and make time for your own grief. You have done enough, you are ensuring he is safe and cared for, you are allowed to be happy

I'm glad someone is listening op

I undefstand OP. My brother ruined my childhood and continues to suck the life out of my parents to this day. You should see a lawyer and resign as administrator. You do not have to be tied to your abuser. My parents were planning a similar set up and I made it quite clear that if they put me as trustee of his affairs, I would immediately resign. They were shocked because they are so far down the rabbit hole with him that they just assumed I would continue doing what they do. They have made other arrangements (which I don’t believe would stand up to a challange on his part as he’s not incompetent) but no longer my circus. You do not have to be tied to this man any longer. In fact, as he is implying financial abuse, it is the perfect time to cut him loose.

Good for you ! I hope your stress levels reduce very soon.

Well done! It really sounds as though you are nearing the end of this now Please keep posting and let us know how the meeting goes.

If you can, you may want to get a few sessions of counselling - this has been very traumatic and you are rightly angry.

Thanks.
I may need to keep posting just to give me the strength to actually do it. I'm scared to death I'll back down.

Was just going to say that I used to set up trust accounts for a building society and it was very common for the trustees on a trust document to change regularly.

Get the solicitors set up to be trustees and you ca start to get your life back. Good luck.

Don’t back down. That sounds like a really good plan. Your own mental health will suffer further if you don’t enforce these boundaries.

I think my biggest fear is that if I sit in the meeting and extract myself from the whole situation, social care will say they wont do any more than they do and so I have to.
I need to just stay strong but I just don't feel it right now.

You have to keep at the front of your mind that you do not have legal responsibility for your brother and no one can make you. Practice "I won't " rather than "I can't " .

Your own MH is at risk here, so you've got to do it to protect your own sanity and life. You have all my sympathy. I would have caved in long ago tbh.

social care will say they wont do any more than they do and so I have to

where would the point come that you do step away then? Because your brother has sucked the life out of your parents and is sucking it out of you, which doesn't only affect you but the people closest to you too. If you go ahead and say No More in this meeting then after 18 months your life will feel very, very different.

"I think my biggest fear is that if I sit in the meeting and extract myself from the whole situation, social care will say they wont do any more than they do and so I have to".

Why would you have to?. Where did that mindset come from, your late mother who in all likelihood taught you to be codependent and enabling as she was?. And look where that got her; nowhere and what she tried did not work. Nothing will work with someone as disordered as your brother. You cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, you need to let go of the guilt. The above is no reason at all to carry on having anything to do with him.

He's ruined enough of your own life and family occasions as it is so I would urge you to draw a line in the sand here and say no more.

sorry, did you mention his age and I missed it?

you must remove yourself from this, it could go on for years.

he can work and he has capacity and can do day to day bills. You say "a thousand might as well be a million to him". Is that in the sense of dyscalculia? He's not the only person I've come across with that problem and they have learned to manage.

you say he's going away with a friend. Would any of his friends take PofA over his money?

Even if not, I would hand over his money and remove yourself from the situation. I'm really sorry you are going through all this.

Atila "You cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, you need to let go of the guilt. "

I will remember this one, thank you. Sometimes I need it for me as well!

I have nothing but admiration for you. You have handled a difficult situation extraordinarily well. The action plan you outlined above sounds excellent. You have done all you can, no need to feel guilty. You just can't help some people, no matter how hard you try. The fact that you have continued to support him despite years of abuse of both you and your mum by him is a tribute to you. Put the plan in place, then step back. It's time to put your own health and happiness first.

You are doing the right thing OP.

I have an alcoholic brother who relies our Mums care. I fear exactly what you are going through is to come in my future. My mum has also suggested his inheritance in trust to me.

You’re doing really well, OP, strength to you. You’ve very likely already thought of this, but just in case not, could I suggest you write down what you need to say at the meeting, and take it in with you? It may help you to remember your key points in a stressful situation. And follow up after the meeting in writing, requesting acknowledgment of receipt.

I love Attila’s saying. I’m going to use that!

You're doing the right thing. My mum expected that I would sort out both my brothers (one with a severe learning disability, one with a life-limiting illness and MH issues). I have done/did what I can/could for both of them.
I think it's a generational thing; my parents totally expected I would have my disabled brother to live with me after their deaths but I refused, and he pre-deceased them anyway. You need to remove yourself from parenting your brother, so you can go back to being his sister.

I think your plan to attend his care planning meeting next week is a good one, (although in my experience they are box-ticking exercises... cynical? Me?) Is there something like this operating in the area where your brother lives?

I love that saying atilla.
I started to write down what I need to say last night but I just got so angry.
The idea that to everyone hes just a bit of a joker or "poor Dave (hes not called Dave btw) I feel so bad for him"
I realise now that I have been implicit in painting this picture of him as a vulnerable victim. But really hes not (hes vulnerable to a degree, as hes drank away most of his functioning brain cells). Hes a manipulative liar who does whatever the hell he wants with no thought as to the effect it has on others. Long as he gets pity and attention he's not bothered. And that makes me feel so angry. That I've been implicit in making him out to be this harmless vulnerable man actually makes me feel quite sick.