Feeling trapped by brothers dependancy. Help!

[pleasehelpme2019]

I have namechanged for this, as it could be quite outing.
My mum died 2 and a half years ago and I my resilience has really taken a hit following that and I do struggle to cope at times.
He has a very mild learning difficulty, this has been exacerbated by excessive substance misuse (this was in a report by a psychologist). I grew up with him being a manipulative, violent (at times) alcoholic. He would then constantly be in a cycle of giving it up and going back to it.
He caused her immense hurt and worry but she always just persisted, trying to help him and take care of him.
When my mum died she left his inheritance to be left in trust with me and my husband as the trustees, she knew that he would either give it away to various undesirables that he knew, that exploited him, or that he would drink it all.
Anyhow, without the safety net of my mother, he just completely fell apart and it shone a light on the fact he cannot take care of himself. He is now in the position of having to have carers go in to see him daily to check his various medications and help him try and live independently.
There has been a recent situation with this arrangement whereby the Council stopped paying for his care for a period, we have now settled all this. However, during this period he was telling carers and social workers that I was refusing him money for things he needed (he never even asked me), telling me his carers were treating him badly (I spent so much time fighting his case over this), only to then find out its all bullshit.
Like I said earlier, since my mum died I don’t have the resilience to cope with things like I used to and trying to fight his corner against all the things he has been alleging, has been exhausting (I also live 240 miles away, have a stressful full time job and my own family), and then to find out that not only is it all lies, but he has also been lying about me, is just too much.
I feel like the worst person in the world right now for saying this but I feel like I have reached my breaking point, I feel like I resent the fact that I now have to look after the man who ruined my childhood, who abused my mother. I feel like all this time Ive worried myself sick trying to help him because I know deep down that if I don’t know one else will, but I feel like enough is enough, He has created all this drama and this entire situation for what? For his own entertainment? For attention? Maybe he has started drinking again??? Who knows.
But all I want to do right now, is write him a cheque for all his money and just cut him out, but I cant do that can I? I just feel so trapped.

Read back through the thread. It will help. You've come so far. And you are on the home straight now. Good luck

Stop trying to find ways you can help him. Honestly you’re just going to make yourself ill again.

“Sorry Dave but I cant pay for care fees out of your trust as you know.”

Then disengage. Do not reply any more.

Remember everything you went through. Stay strong x

please are soc services still contacting you too? A friend had similar and asked to be removed as next of kin, but remain as a friend/family so they stopped contacting her for everything. Don't know if that would help while you wait for deputy to come through?

You've done well to get this far. How much longer is the appointment of a deputy expected to take?

Keep all contact with him to a minimum until that comes through.

@TitianaTitsling
Soc services dont call me anymore thank god. All of this came to light as he asked me for money out of his trust.
It now transpires he has taken a loan out of £1000 and a £200 overdraft. The loan repayment is manageable but he has spent the whole lot living the high life with his mate. With him paying for everything obvs.
He went to the bank with his carer and a restriction was put in place that he can only withdraw 70 pounds a week for a few weeks until the 200 overdraft is gone (his bills will be covered)
He called me up and asked for money from his trust as he cant cope on 70 quid a week, what if he wants to go out or go to the football. I said no. I have bailed him out previously and had empty promises that he wont do it again and here we are.
The trust was set up to prevent him pissing out away and giving it away to his mates and if I give him this now then I would be facilitating the very thing it was set up to prevent.
He then calls me and screams and shouts effing and jeffing down the phone that 70 pounds isnt enough and it's his fucking money, calling me some awful names. I stand firm and add in if he gets the money back he let his "mate" "borrow" then he would have more. He goes apoplectic.
So I say I wont be spoken to like that and hang up.
Five minutes later he messages me to say sorry for being a dick. I tell him that he cannot treat me this way and then just get out of it with "I'm sorry for being a dick". 70 pounds is more than enough for him and this way he will learn that his actions have consequences. Its only temporary.
So then he starts messaging me later hinting that he will kill himself if I dont give him the money. I've been up all night with this and I'm shattered.
DH reckons it's just an attempt at emotional blackmail. He expected me to bail him out, I said no. He got angry then realised that didnt work so apologised. When he could see I was still cross he went for sympathy ("I don't see the point any more, I need to see my doctor, I'm in too deep").
I just feel fucking emotionally drained. I want to crawl back into bed. Cant though, have to go to work.

Enough is enough. You’ve gone above and beyond over and over again. To the point your own health is suffering, that of your family and your career. I dare say you feel a strong sense of responsibility to make sure he’s looked after but there’s a point where you must turn away. He’s a drowning man who’s going to pull you down with him.

I would agree that blocking him and cutting contact is a necessity at this point. It’s making you ill and depressed. You’ve done enough now, no one would blame you. If it’s a requirement to maintain contact then I suggest getting another phone for family and friends etc. And switch your old phone off and only checking it once a week or some such.

Seriously, you’ve done enough. Look after yourself and your own family. You’re only a bank to him now. A means to get drink. A means to serve his own interests and desires. He is responsible for his own actions. Not you.

With my brother I simply state 'There is no more money from me. Go back and ask your trustee's'. I delibertaly set the trust up with solicitors as trustees NOT me for this reason. The trustees set the limit at £60pw drawn from the trust not me. They cover the household bills as I was adamant that he should not become homeless as I am NOT having him here ruining my kids lives with his behaviour, manipulation and nasty words and actions to them

I stick to my 'no money ever' rule even harder since I found out he has now been diaognosed with anti-social personality disorder on top of everything else. IMHO that explains so much of his self-destructive choices, lack of empathy for others and plain nastiness to anyone who says no to him. Mine also tries using every manipulative trick he knows of to get hold of more cash. I know that cash will only go on more drink and illegal drugs. I no longer react to messaged suicide threats beyond bouncing them to his care team to deal with.

I found my best way to stay sane was to limit how many phone calls I will answer and for how long I am prepared to be on the phone. [1 pw and 20 mins max less if he starts off verbally nasty] I call screen and use my answerphone a lot. I also bought a phone that I can set to silent and have a seperate phone for other family members to call me on.

IF your brothers behaviour becomes detrimental to you it may be worth seeking legal advice to see if its possible to prevent further abusive contact from him.

I wish I could tell you there are easy answers to dealing with such a sibling but there are not. Its thankless hardwork. All you can do is what you have done in the form of a trust to protect his interests from himself and to then look at how to protect your own well being so he does not drag you down with him.

Look how far you have come since the start of this year. You can do this- just do it one little step at a time and you will get where you need to be for your own wellbeing and sake.

Not much to add but sending you

Please don’t feel bad about blocking his number for a time. If he starts to get nasty, block him for 24 hours. You can even tell him that that is what you are doing.

‘I will not be spoken to like that. I am blocking your number for x days to give you a chance to calm down’.

You are not responsible for his actions.

Well, yesterday morning he messaged me to tell me he was seeing his GP at 1120. His carer called not long after, she apologised for calling as she knows I'm no longer actively involved in his care but she spoke with him the night before after he threatened suicide and thought I'd want to know how he was.
She said that he didn't appear depressed or in low mood, he was angry that no one (no idea who else he asked) would help him and frustrated I wouldnt pay.
She agreed she would support him to the gp if he felt he needed to go and she was going to the bank with him today to formalise the arrangement discussed the previous day.
So all morning he is messaging me asking for money. I ignore it.
But then later he called. I had been planning on just ignoring him but I was waiting on another call and I didn't check the caller ID.
He said he just finished at the bank and it's all ok now as hes actually getting 80 pounds a week and it's only for 6 weeks hes sat and done a budget with his carer and the guy at the bank and hes ok now as he can still afford to get a takeaway or 2 and go to the football (one of the things he was screaming at me about was "what if I want to go to the fucking football???!!!")
So I just exploded. I said "well you're sounding awfully chipper for someone who last night was threatening to kill themselves if I didnt give them money, a lot more relaxed than the person screaming and wailing down the phone at me" he then kept trying to cut me off by saying that "but he can still afford the football now so now its alright". So I asked if he thought the way he had treated me this last 24 hours was acceptable?
He said he was upset as he didnt think he could go to the football or do anything anymore. So I just took a deep breath and said (as calmly as I could), that he just doesnt get it. He is blissfully unaware of what he puts me through and I can't deal with it anymore, until the trust gets switched to the solicitor (which should only be a few weeks now) I still have to manage his trust. So, until that changes if he has any questions about his trust, he can message me. Aside from that I dont want to hear from him. At all.
He just said "ok ok, bye" and hung up. I don't think he was even listening. Or he thinks I'll forget it in a few days.

I think he does, he really does see him self at the centre of everyone's universe where he can behave with impunity and react and do as he feels and you just have to go along with it- so he screams at and insults you, threatened he'll kill himself then when all's happy in his world there's to be no reference to all the previous! Stay strong!

Can you get throw away phone that you divert his number to?

Then just check it once a day or when you feel are able.

This way you won’t be on edge every time the phone rings.

I'm not sure if it's possible in this situation (will ask DH when he gets home and post again) but you might be able to appoint a professional deputy (solicitor) to manage his finances for him, (usually appointed when someone receives money but doesn't have capacity to manage it, eg child, brain injury etc) it would mean that they (solicitor) would have to be paid out of the money he has been left, but that might be a good solution for you being able to distance yourself from this/ him.

Sorry realise I should have read ahead as you are in process of doing this anyhow.

Apparently he has been asking other family members for money. He also told his carer that when we argued I said some things that upset him.
Tbh that just made me more cross. His whole sodding life people have pussy footed around him whilst he has stomped all over them with an undercurrent of nastiness (for example as my mum lay dying of lung cancer I sat holding her hand, he sat there for ten minutes and told her it's her own fault shes dying).
I'm having to go through psychotherapy to come to terms with him and his behaviour so why on gods green earth do my feelings and the effect he has had on my life not matter.
These people have known him for two years. I have known him my whole fucking life and he is not as helpless as he likes to make out. He is devious, he is manipulative and can be downright fucking nasty.