Feeling trapped by brothers dependancy. Help!

[pleasehelpme2019]

I have namechanged for this, as it could be quite outing.
My mum died 2 and a half years ago and I my resilience has really taken a hit following that and I do struggle to cope at times.
He has a very mild learning difficulty, this has been exacerbated by excessive substance misuse (this was in a report by a psychologist). I grew up with him being a manipulative, violent (at times) alcoholic. He would then constantly be in a cycle of giving it up and going back to it.
He caused her immense hurt and worry but she always just persisted, trying to help him and take care of him.
When my mum died she left his inheritance to be left in trust with me and my husband as the trustees, she knew that he would either give it away to various undesirables that he knew, that exploited him, or that he would drink it all.
Anyhow, without the safety net of my mother, he just completely fell apart and it shone a light on the fact he cannot take care of himself. He is now in the position of having to have carers go in to see him daily to check his various medications and help him try and live independently.
There has been a recent situation with this arrangement whereby the Council stopped paying for his care for a period, we have now settled all this. However, during this period he was telling carers and social workers that I was refusing him money for things he needed (he never even asked me), telling me his carers were treating him badly (I spent so much time fighting his case over this), only to then find out its all bullshit.
Like I said earlier, since my mum died I don’t have the resilience to cope with things like I used to and trying to fight his corner against all the things he has been alleging, has been exhausting (I also live 240 miles away, have a stressful full time job and my own family), and then to find out that not only is it all lies, but he has also been lying about me, is just too much.
I feel like the worst person in the world right now for saying this but I feel like I have reached my breaking point, I feel like I resent the fact that I now have to look after the man who ruined my childhood, who abused my mother. I feel like all this time Ive worried myself sick trying to help him because I know deep down that if I don’t know one else will, but I feel like enough is enough, He has created all this drama and this entire situation for what? For his own entertainment? For attention? Maybe he has started drinking again??? Who knows.
But all I want to do right now, is write him a cheque for all his money and just cut him out, but I cant do that can I? I just feel so trapped.

Ask in legal, I'm sure you should be able to or appoint a solicitor in your place like you can with probate?

That is a matter you need to speak to a Solicitor about.

I see not altogether surprisingly that the social workers involved with him are still enabling him as they are.

Re your comment:-
"Hes just been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Hes hugely overweight, been so for years but doesnt want to do anything about it, he eats loads of shit, drinks and isn't particularly active. Between the drink and the diabetes.....I do worry what will happen to him. But I have to keep telling myself, it's in his control, not mine. The only person who can help him is him".

Your last two sentences in this post should be stuck on a post it note on your fridge. Your late mother made you feel this responsible and in all likelihood taught you how to be codependent as well. You can indeed only help your own self here.

I would also suggest you contact Al-anon when you have time and at the very least read their literature.

when you say "appointee" do you mean social services appoint someone? I imagine they could manage his money as well - but they might decide to just hand it over to him (which I think would be fine).

I am feeling hugely responsible for my mother after my dad died. But mum is a lovely person and I love her etc etc

If I was asked to take charge of a sibling who actually had capacity, and who wasn't very decent, I'd just say no. We can't help being related to people, I don't think it obliges us unless they are DC, but that's just me.

From what I understand it is quite apparent that he doesnt have capacity so they will confirm this with the MCA and then as he has no one to manage this (I have had to write to say I physically cant) then they apply to the court of protection who then appoint the appointee, I assume that is someone within the local authority.

I hope it gets sorted soon OP

Sorry this weekend has been mental.
He messaged me on Saturday to tell me he now he has type 2 diabetes. I knew he was going for the tests. I'm not surprised tbh as he is hugely overweight, ears nothing but shite, is probably still drinking. He also messaged me to say no more lies.
I just messaged him back to say I'd heard it all before and I can no longer trust him.
He was all "but i really mean it this time".
Then later that day I was told someone had seen him pissed a few weeks ago (he admitted in the meeting he has had 2 shandy but nothing more. So I asked him about it.
He denied it over and over and over telling me he cant drink cos of his tablets and he cant walk to the pub cos of his bad back and blah blah blah (quite the denial considering I only asked him once). But then after I pointed out various holes in his story he admitted he was pissed.
After everything this week he is still fucking lying to me. Then he wonders why I don't believe a word he says.
I just have the feeling that between his diabetes, the weight and his drinking, he will be dead before the year is out.
He needs to make some changes and he is just incapable of doing it. It has been this cycle all his life.
The doctor tells him to stop smoking/drinking etc or he could get seriously ill or die, he gets scared and makes the changes for a few weeks then bam! Back where he started.
He is always convinced that as long as the doctor gives him something for it, then that's ok, the tablets will manage it and so he just goes on like he always does.

When confronted about his drinking last week he admitted to two shandies but apparently the others are ones hes bought but not drunk.
I just have this awful feeling that hes past the point of no return.

I really think you need to block his number! You could ring him on a regular basis- say once a week- if you want to, but you can't have him contacting you whenever he wants!

You've made some great changes, you need to make the last step!

I know it's hard, but you decided to disentangle yourself for very good reasons.

You need to put your health first- if you don't the consequences could take years to get over.

Then later that day I was told someone had seen him pissed a few weeks ago (he admitted in the meeting he has had 2 shandy but nothing more. So I asked him about it

step back, lovey.

your love as well as exasperation shines through. You grew up with him, however horrible he was. You still care for him, even though it isn't possible to like him.

But from various things you've written - his refusal to look after himself, most of all; the self pity and assumption that other people will fish him out of the soup; the reliance on a pill to take it all away, medical or illegal ... This is a man who is going to go down to the bottom, I'm afraid, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. All you can do is take care of yourself and your own family.

The phrase "detach with love' comes to mind here. You can grieve him, you probably need to. But he isn't letting you help him and won't ever, so you can't. All you can do is watch, I'm afraid, or end up being sucked dry for, well, nothing. You can't stop his descent.

Step back, when he rings just be very neutral "I'm sorry to hear you have Type II, I can't help you now, the social worker is the person to go to"

Please be gentle on yourself, you've done everything you humanly can.

Like many posts of this type its mainly written about the alcoholic. There are really no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still continue to drink afterwards.

As Sea Eagle writes you really do need to detach with love here. He will continue to take you down with him otherwise as he is now doing.
Sadly you are still very much on the merry go around that is alcoholism and he is using you because you're his sister and he knows full well still that you're going to listen to his ramblings. He could call you today for instance and you would still accept the call rather than block him. Practically everyone in this man's life has and continues to enable him, the social workers he now has included and they are also keeping you on the merry go around. Your late mother taught you how to be codependent and primed you to be responsible for him after her passing.

You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. Your mother tried and look where it got her. Put your own self first for a change. He is leaving chaos in his wake and the ONLY person who can help him is him. You cannot help anyone who does not want to be rescued and or saved.

Your own recovery as well from his alcoholism and the legacy it leaves will only properly start when you are fully disengaged mentally as well as financially.

I agree with other posters OP: you are doing really well so far in protecting yourself but you need to close the loop now and make yourself unavailable to him by blocking him on all your phone numbers and social media. Perhaps, if you feel strong enough, do the same with Social Services following your last meeting with them so they don't try to drag you back in.

You are going through such a tough time: take care of yourself.

Well, I think DB now realises that I meant what I said, as he has just messaged me “Sorry if I caused you any trouble my life was shit when mom died but thanks to you it is now better and I am much happier”.
I don’t know if I am overreacting but this has just made me so angry. Like my life was a fucking basket of roses when my mom died, I took care of her, went to all her appointments with her (despite living over 200 miles away) and sat holding her hand and soothing her while she died. What did he do? Nothing. At all. Not a fucking thing. But he is happy now so that’s all that matters.
And I am sorry but our mom died almost 3 years ago, he landed me well and truly in the shit and almost cost me my job fairly recently. He is just using mom dying as a fucking excuse for his shitty behaviour.

Two ways of looking at it. He has grown from an appalling level of self centredness and selfishness to a merely shocking level, progress albeit only a little.

Or he's still pressing your buttons.

Whichever- this is your chance to grieve your mum and recover from a shit time. What he is doing is irrelevant.

Reply" that's a coincidence my mum died too but my brother didn't help"
I wouldn't send it, but I'd want to!

Wow woolduvet, probably you are the sharpest knife in the draw; Kudos to you.

Though pickleme probably has a point too.

And of course Attilla - with the bigger picture.

Just a quick update. It all seems to have calmed down a bit for now. We've sorted a solicitor to be a deputy for his trust so we can get that moving.
The only thing now is, I'm shattered. Now it's all winding down a bit I feel constantly tired. I went to the gp on Friday to get my bloods checked as I've never felt tiredness like it before.
She did me a blood test but suggested the tiredness may be a come down from the stress of all this. That it's a physical response to having to deal with my brothers alcoholism in a way I've never had to, to being pushed into dealing with it because of the circumstances.
I just thought I'd be able to cope as I've dealt with much worse, but after having spoken to dh he reckons my idea of what is stressful has been warped because I've had to deal with so much. That I can't really recognise how stressful this whole thing would be.
She suggested I take some time off to rest, but I'm not sure I can. I'm in a new job I've only been in for 10 months. I've not had a sick day in over a year. I really can't think what's best to do. But I'm shattered, im ready for bed by 8 and cannot get up in the morning.

I can identify with that, OP.

I'm in a permanent state of slow down, after some stressful years. It's as though my body just doesn't want to reboot any more. Or maybe I've run out of adrenalin!

Is your job inherently stressful? If it isn't, I'd avoid taking time out other than the usual day here and there. Personally I've found I simply can't get going again, once I've had a rest.

Do self care things- yoga or craft or gardening, whatever floats your boat- and make the most of holidays. Do fun outings. See how you feel in a few months.

You shouldn't have responsibility for him even if he has any extra needs . My son has very severe ( or by the time he is an adult he will have ) and I will not allow my dd to be responsible for him. He is not her fault and I want her to live her life . He is actually a lovely boy now but I have no idea what will happen at puberty and onwards .
Please don't feel guilty .. you need to enjoy your life .. just do what you have to do....
you can get your own solicitor though and get him to manage his situation until the money runs out and then I guess the state will pick it up .

Had him stay the night last night (going to solicitor today to sign his trust over) but I'm a bit worried about something. Again I asked to take a look at his phone and he has been searching for people with my mums name on Facebook. I asked him why and at first he said it was years ago before mom died and so when I said it was last month he had a friend called (mums name) and when I questioned this he said that he wanted to see who has got moms Facebook now and when I said shes never had it, and he knows she never had it, he just kept looking at the floor and saying I dont know. I didn't tell him off or raise my voice or anything I just told him that I'm asking because looking up people with the same name as your dead mother on Facebook is worrying.
To be honest I find it really worrying. Also with DS last night he kept telling DS about things he remembered he did when he was a baby, but none of them were true. It's like hes just invented a whole history. I didn't say anything as it was harmless stuff but it's odd that he remembers stuff that never happened as if it's the absolute truth. Like his brain cant remember anything so it's just created a load of crap.

Also I worry if he doesnt sort himself out he'll not last a year.
Hes put more weight on since Christmas (though hes now losing it apparently) but his face is so fat you cant even see if his eyes are open or not, the noise he makes just breathing is Unreal.

This is proof why it’s great you are no longer responsible. My guess it’s the years of substance abuse that is finally starting to effect his brain and his memory

Keep going

It's sad but inevitable. Like a natural disaster- you can't actually change the outcome in any significant way. He is in charge of his own life.

Really, you wouldn't want it any other way- imagine your indignation if someone started interfering in your life 'for your own good'. Just because the person is right doesn't mean their input is welcome or acceptable.

To be honest I find it really worrying

I would be worried as well Op.

Speaking from my experience as the mum of a 30 year old with severe learning difficulties I think it can be too easy for people to overlook the fact that those who have learning difficulties etc are very much like the rest of us in that they do have a heart and they can feel as sad about a bereavement as anyone else.

I think your brother is in mourning and the fact he spoke to you of his upset at losing his mum didnt for a minute mean he was being selfish - it could actually be that whatever his learning difficulty entails he perhaps just cannot relate very well to how other people think and feel. It came across as about him because it is about him in his head.

Drug and alcohol abuse could also have affected his mental health but I think its a smokescreen to what is going on with him - he misses your mum to the extent he is trawling Facebook looking for a connection to her. Its heartbreaking and to be quite honest I could weep every time I read about it. As for the stories he makes up and tells your children - again its very sad and I would look at it as being harmless. I think he's doing it to try and be what he thinks an uncle is. But he may also be doing it because its gives him comfort and thats what he needs right now.

As for your brothers health issues - Id be very worried about him. Because of his disability and his addiction it will be very easy for him to slip through the net and not receive proper medical care and whilst many disabilities don't kill a person many of our loved ones die early and unnecessarily because they didn't receive the care they need.

with best wishes to you and your brother.

Sorry to resurrect an old thread. Just cant post all that again.
It took an age to get him a mental capacity assessment so the process for the appointee and for the solicitor to act as deputy for his trust are only just under way.
So, he messaged me on saturday to ask if I could pay for his care contributions out of his trust as he is struggling to pay his bills, I said that whilst I cant pay his care (long story) I will have a look at the statement he sent as part of the solicitors paperwork and see where I can help but I dont understand how he is struggling.
Having taken a look he is spending money, left right and centre. Drawing out between 20 and 160 pounds almost daily. I'm stunned. I asked him what he was spending on and he constantly changed his story. So, more lies.
So, three months ago(ish) when I started this thread he was drinking again and giving his money away to his mate and spending it all on his mate whilst lying to and about me.
He fell out with this guy for a while and things ticked over but now they are mates again and again, hes broke and lying to me.
It sounds harsh but I cant wait for the deputyship to come through, because once it does I am done.
I cant cope with him in my life anymore.