How to fend off an elderly suitor?

[Girlzroolz]

Hi Mumsnet, name change firmly in place for this one.

I’m in a strange position. I’m married, but fairly surrendered to the fact of being co-workers (family business) and co-parents to our DD (8), rather than romantic partners. Let’s call it a celibate marriage, his choice. No therapy has worked, except to calm down tension which is welcome. No one’s leaving anyone, for the time being. We have a second residence, so manage to not get in each other’s hair too much.

Recently, my DD befriended a lovely older man at a beach near our house. She and I have now socialised with him and his young-adult sons a few times (he’s a widower, his much younger wife lost to cancer 15 years ago). He’s very wealthy, very fun and very clever. Educated, well-travelled and a great host. We really like him, DD sees him as a great friend and perhaps a bit as a pseudo-grandparent.

The last time we all got together, he tried to hold my hand. And there was a ‘look’. I can’t be 100% sure it was a pass, cos we were on a boat (lots of people holding people for balance) but I’m sure he meant to test the waters without being too overt. I’m quite shocked, he’s easily late 70’s and I’m 48. While I never saw it coming, in retrospect I have been enjoying his company and his attention to us. I should maybe have questioned the attention more? He’s certainly someone who is used to getting his own way, and certainly many aspects of feminism have passed him by! Maybe he’s incapable of having ‘just’ friendships with women?

Either way, we’ve got another (very tempting) outing planned with him this weekend. I feel as though I should say something today, clarify that I’m in no position to accept his advances, however flattering? Give him a chance to disinvite us, so I’m not leading him on?

Bloody hell, I can fend off men my age, and younger ones you can be pretty direct with but this one has me stumped! I really would be sorry to lose the friendship, and I think we really do help him with his loneliness in a healthy way. How to take romance off the table without hurting him, or bruising his ego too much?

Can I just note that, although of course you can never be sure of anyone, I don’t think he has any creepy intentions towards DD. I’m hypervigilant (diagnosed), so she’s never out of my sight. She’s trained on body autonomy, and has terrific instincts with

So, Mumsnet, which way forward?

Don't do it op.... think of the shrivelled up plums!!! 😨😲

Like the dates with the stick you have at Christmas....

You won't be able to unsee those😂

The one thing, I am still very perplexed about it is the fact that an almost stranger is aware that OP isn’t intimate with her DH. Why would you share such a personal detail about your non-existing sex-life in your marriage with someone you just met? That is so random!

To be clear (again) I didn’t confide anything about my sexless marriage to anyone. Well, if you don’t count Mumsnet .

At some point DD was describing our house(s) to him, and said ‘guestroom’. She corrected herself to say ‘Daddy’s room when he comes to stay’. I’m assuming he deduced some things about my marriage from that. As many people do. And they’re generally right.

I’ve recently decided to stop feeling embarrassed about us not sharing a room, I used to try and hide it and see it as a personal failure. It’s taken a long time to reach this point. This doesn’t mean I advertise the fact to randoms. Ok?

Now an update. The weekend outing went very well, his ‘kids’ and mine, and a couple of middle-aged friends of his. We all had a lovely time. He didn’t try anything on with me, he did seem a bit quiet and subdued. I got the impression he was trying to figure out a way forward for our friendship, with romance off the table. Not sure if he found it. His hug goodbye had a strange quality to it, maybe we won’t hear from him again? Time will tell.

I’m hopeful we can all continue the friendship, we really do get on so well. It’s been an interesting exercise in gender relations across a big age divide. A lot of the tropes that are normal for me (a Gen X), like ‘friend-zoning’, just aren’t on his radar. But there’s also a lot to be gained from inter-generational friendships. It seems like it’s a part of life that’s being lost in modern life. Most of us don’t have the time or patience to navigate the differences (see all the MIL & PIL problems on this site).

Even if this friendship peters out, I recommend engaging with people outside of your comfort zone. It’s rewarding. Thanks for the responses to my thread, they’ve been interesting!

😂😂😂

Good grief

mistressdeecee
Believe me I was being gentle. Very gentle indeed. I'd hate to even think that someone would stoop so low be so shallow.
Nuff said.

Sorry for the score through it was supposed to be bold
@misressdeecee

Girlz I wonder if there is a bit of projection going on here. You said that you and your DD help him with his loneliness - yet from your descriptions of him he sounds a very busy man with a rich and varied social life. Did he tell you he was lonely?

Your life on the other hand sounds very painful and lonely. Are you sure that this cold detached “marriage” is sustainable for YOU? Who cherishes and nourishes you emotionally?