How to fend off an elderly suitor?

[Girlzroolz]

Hi Mumsnet, name change firmly in place for this one.

I’m in a strange position. I’m married, but fairly surrendered to the fact of being co-workers (family business) and co-parents to our DD (8), rather than romantic partners. Let’s call it a celibate marriage, his choice. No therapy has worked, except to calm down tension which is welcome. No one’s leaving anyone, for the time being. We have a second residence, so manage to not get in each other’s hair too much.

Recently, my DD befriended a lovely older man at a beach near our house. She and I have now socialised with him and his young-adult sons a few times (he’s a widower, his much younger wife lost to cancer 15 years ago). He’s very wealthy, very fun and very clever. Educated, well-travelled and a great host. We really like him, DD sees him as a great friend and perhaps a bit as a pseudo-grandparent.

The last time we all got together, he tried to hold my hand. And there was a ‘look’. I can’t be 100% sure it was a pass, cos we were on a boat (lots of people holding people for balance) but I’m sure he meant to test the waters without being too overt. I’m quite shocked, he’s easily late 70’s and I’m 48. While I never saw it coming, in retrospect I have been enjoying his company and his attention to us. I should maybe have questioned the attention more? He’s certainly someone who is used to getting his own way, and certainly many aspects of feminism have passed him by! Maybe he’s incapable of having ‘just’ friendships with women?

Either way, we’ve got another (very tempting) outing planned with him this weekend. I feel as though I should say something today, clarify that I’m in no position to accept his advances, however flattering? Give him a chance to disinvite us, so I’m not leading him on?

Bloody hell, I can fend off men my age, and younger ones you can be pretty direct with but this one has me stumped! I really would be sorry to lose the friendship, and I think we really do help him with his loneliness in a healthy way. How to take romance off the table without hurting him, or bruising his ego too much?

Can I just note that, although of course you can never be sure of anyone, I don’t think he has any creepy intentions towards DD. I’m hypervigilant (diagnosed), so she’s never out of my sight. She’s trained on body autonomy, and has terrific instincts with

So, Mumsnet, which way forward?

*terrific instincts with people.

If you are married then that is what you say surely? He's not to know the basis of your marriage?

He already knows the basis of my marriage. I think he sees enough loophole there, from what I’ve told him and what he’s guessed.

Hint that you have a 'good friend's already?

Be polite but shut down absolutely anything romantic/flirty?

*'good friend'

You back off from any advances - so he tries to hold your hand, you remove it and carry on doing exactly what you were doing. Any ''looks' can be ignored. I would have a speech ready about how you value his friendship and that's the relationship you want with him, should he become more direct.

Go on as nauseum about his much you appreciate and enjoy the friendship, and the substitute grandparent or however you'd like to phrase it for your daughter. Keep saying 'friend' over and over .

Find and hide or dispose of his Viagra .

What's wrong with saying that he is too old for you! FFS, why are women so conditioned to be so meek! He is old enough to be your father and ridiculously presumptuous that a woman would be physically attractive to someone possibly 3 decades older.

*attracted

So you want to keep benefitting from the fun days out but don't want the romantic entanglement?

He's starting a thread, saying you want the ha'penny and the gingerbread (or not, as it were)

SurgeHopper

Not sure what you mean by ‘benefitting’ from the days out? I’m comfortable in what contribution we are making to the friendship and to the catchups. Are you implying it’s some kind of financial transaction that he’s offering, and I should ‘put up or shut up’?

Well, I guess I’ll just say that I hope there are more options between men and women in 2019 than that. Whatever their ages. And I don’t remember saying I was poor- in need of gingerbread or ha’pennies!

You are separated from your husband. You need to talk to your dd about this. Or not. Choice is yours. This other person is not "too old" if you are single and you are comfortable with him having access to your daughter.

Here's what I think.

It could be innocent, this new friendship. But for him it is perhaps not. That puts you in a spot.

I'd ring him up and speak to him, tell him straight you're not interested. You can then ask whether he'd prefer to cancel the outings.

If you do this, he is clear, you are clear and the friendship will either continue anew or falter, because it was rooted in his designs for you. It is a shame but it's been like that for years. If one person wants more, the other has to factor that in.

I had a very senior professional as a friend when i was 25. As his children were older than I, it was clear cut to me....friends. But no. Big lesson. And I missed the dinners out and the conversation but it had to be that way.

How on earth did your 8 year old DD befriend an old man on the beach?

Sorry but you are not “hyper-vigilant” at all.

Be careful. This might be totally irrelevant, but I had problems with a friend's husband a few years ago, which I suspect was the start of dementia (he died not long after so I can't say for certain). I asked about it on here at the time and people said it wasn't uncommon.

As I say, this might not be relevant in your case but do watch yourself.

If he has done that to you aren't you worried about advances on your dd?

Are you sure you couldn't just have a bit of romance with him? It sounds like you deserve a bit.

Before your next outing contact him and refer to the attempt to hold your hand. say you're sorry if you've misread the situation but want to clarify you are not looking for anything but a very platonic friendship and that if he wanted anything more than this then perhaps it would be better for these outings to come to an end.

Shout Man Overboard!!
And give him a shove?

Some very sensible advice, thanks women of Mumsnet. I think I’ll text him a combination of some of the wording suggested above, leave the ball squarely in his court. I think I just have to face the fact that, at any age, making a move is likely to be a friendship-killer. I’ll just cross my fingers he overcomes the urge and we can reconnect as families down the track?

Crowdo that’s a very sweet sentiment that I need to think about more. No doubt I miss romance in my life more than I want to admit. But not with this guy, I don’t think.

And to a couple of other posters- umm no, I don’t think someone trying to hold my hand is a red flag for paedophilia.

And to someone else- if you don’t think a chatty 8yo can strike up a conversation with a stranger without it being cause for alarm bells, you don’t know many 8yos. They met while watching the same stingray in the water, 2 feet away from me, since you ask. But sure, let’s blindfold and gag them all, just in case they accidentally chat to a person with ill intent.

Definitely do give some idea to romance in the future. We've only got one life.

And yes, totally agree with you that it's not weird at all. I've got a very friendly eight year old who has sometimes attached himself to people at our local waterfront. I think it's quite sweet, actually.

He's a cheeky bastard trying it on with you to see where he'll get.

What on earth possessed you to tell him you're in a sexless marriage? And how did you even manage to strike up this conversation, bearing in mind that all socialising you do is with the kids in tow?

I too think it’s strange that he befriended your 8 year old and I would suspect he is trying to get to her by becoming close to you.

Have you changed your name mid-thread, OP?