How to fend off an elderly suitor?

[Girlzroolz]

Hi Mumsnet, name change firmly in place for this one.

I’m in a strange position. I’m married, but fairly surrendered to the fact of being co-workers (family business) and co-parents to our DD (8), rather than romantic partners. Let’s call it a celibate marriage, his choice. No therapy has worked, except to calm down tension which is welcome. No one’s leaving anyone, for the time being. We have a second residence, so manage to not get in each other’s hair too much.

Recently, my DD befriended a lovely older man at a beach near our house. She and I have now socialised with him and his young-adult sons a few times (he’s a widower, his much younger wife lost to cancer 15 years ago). He’s very wealthy, very fun and very clever. Educated, well-travelled and a great host. We really like him, DD sees him as a great friend and perhaps a bit as a pseudo-grandparent.

The last time we all got together, he tried to hold my hand. And there was a ‘look’. I can’t be 100% sure it was a pass, cos we were on a boat (lots of people holding people for balance) but I’m sure he meant to test the waters without being too overt. I’m quite shocked, he’s easily late 70’s and I’m 48. While I never saw it coming, in retrospect I have been enjoying his company and his attention to us. I should maybe have questioned the attention more? He’s certainly someone who is used to getting his own way, and certainly many aspects of feminism have passed him by! Maybe he’s incapable of having ‘just’ friendships with women?

Either way, we’ve got another (very tempting) outing planned with him this weekend. I feel as though I should say something today, clarify that I’m in no position to accept his advances, however flattering? Give him a chance to disinvite us, so I’m not leading him on?

Bloody hell, I can fend off men my age, and younger ones you can be pretty direct with but this one has me stumped! I really would be sorry to lose the friendship, and I think we really do help him with his loneliness in a healthy way. How to take romance off the table without hurting him, or bruising his ego too much?

Can I just note that, although of course you can never be sure of anyone, I don’t think he has any creepy intentions towards DD. I’m hypervigilant (diagnosed), so she’s never out of my sight. She’s trained on body autonomy, and has terrific instincts with

So, Mumsnet, which way forward?

This is all weird. Any chance this man is extremely wealthy?
Taking a relationship 'off the table' is simple, don't have it on the table to start with. Do you have these worries with anyone else or just this older man your child befriended overnight, has taken you on boat trips ect and who you've told about your sexless marriage?

Where there's a will, there's a way

I'm 44 OP, and find the idea of a relationship with this much of an age difference pretty nauseating. So I'm with you there!

Sad that people assume he might have sinister motives re your daughter, but one can't be too careful I suppose.

I hope you can continue to enjoy the friendship, without the added complications. Not an easy situation, I know

I'm afraid I'm another one who would be concerned about sinister motives towards your DD. But then, I'm a survivor of childhood SA so I'm aware I can be paranoid about it.

I do wonder how you managed to end up talking to this man about your sexless marriage, though. My DH and I aren't able to be intimate due to issues from my past, but there's no way I would be discussing that in the context you've described.

I think it's not surprising that he's got the wrong end of the stick in view of how close your friendship has become. You'll obviously have to set him straight; you may have to back away to show him that you really do mean what you say.

He thinks he's "still got it" and is trying his luck. He sounds grim tbh. Probably thinks he's too good for women his own age.

I can see why you want some fun, though. I can't imagine anyone blaming you for that. I know how that feels all too well having had a similar marriage to yours towards the end.

Yes, I make a point about announcing my sexless status to everyone on the waterfront, in fact I had a sign made that I wear around my neck, to save time. It has tear-off strips with my address and phone number in case anyone is looking to help me get laid.

I feel like I’m having to explain quite a few details that are irrelevant to the questions I posted. But ok.

Here’s another question then: how long do you estimate it takes a casual elderly acquaintance to ask a middle aged woman if she is married, or a little kid about their Daddy? He sees I have a kid, so other than ‘Lovely day?’ it’s likely to come up, isn’t it. And how much more likely when the kid is a chatty 8yo and talks about ‘Daddy’ in every 3rd sentence? Daddy is clearly not with us (on multiple occasions), so it’s natural to ask, and to glean some info from inference? My generation (or younger) would probably not ask, or just figure it out, but many older people see it differently.

I suppose if one were determined to see him as a creepy predator, then every normal pleasantry would seem tainted. And I acknowledge that there are people more reserved than I am (or he is), who wouldn’t dream of striking up a conversation with any stranger. I’m really not posting to find out how much of Mumsnet is introvert or extrovert. Assume these interactions are fairly standard in our extrovert world, and that we make friends with people we meet around our town. We do it successfully, and without ignoring basic safety strategies for ourselves and our kids.

If it helps anyone, all the people in my post belong to the same hobby club. Is this more acceptable? Does it make him sound less ‘creepy’? Does it make me sound less of a brazen hussy?

Yes, midnight name-change fail. Figured no one would care?

in fact I have a sign made that I wear around my neck with tear off strips....

😂😂

Whatever floats your boat. I feel queasy at the thought of a man so much older than me trying it on, I certainly wouldn't be mentioning my sex life or lack of it to him.
Good luck to you. All you have to do is say 'no. You've got the wrong end of the stick here'- nothing to fret over.

I like you, OP!

OP I spotted the name fail.
Just be vary wary OP.
I think you are watching already.
Enjoy the fun and may it be the beginning of a beautiful and mutual friendship.
fingers crossed

OP, the questions people are asking are not irrelevant. Your answers help people to get a better understanding of the situation, so they can better advise you.

Anyway. The fact that he’s used to getting his own way does not entitle him to a relationship with you. He’ll just have to put on his big boy pants and accept that he won’t be getting what he wants this time.

And you don’t have to dance around his feelings just because he’s old. In fact, I think being upfront about it is the kindest thing you can do for him. If you like, you could text rather than having the awkward conversation over the phone or in person. Do it ahead of the next outing so he can cancel if he wants to.

Oh the boundaries have to be clear for sure and absolutely defined
One more wrong move and jump ship. So to speak.

You've let him know your marriage isn't what it seems to be. You're spending time with him. He held your hand and you said nothing. You are sending mixed signals. if you don't want to be with him then tell him so, but if you do just get on with it. It sounds more do than don't, on your part. Every YGven the way you've described him as wealthy, attractive etc

Yes you certainly gave out signals. He may try to buy your friendship as he may perceive you as easy prey.
As avuncular as it may sound.

How has he expressed his loneliness to you and has he asked that you and your daughter allieviate it? From your post it’s seems he has a busy and varied family, social and cultural life already in place.

he may perceive you as easy prey

Or the other way around. Wealthy attractive older man able to provide fab lifestyle. Younger woman in drab sexless marriage wants a piece of that but is worried what people will think so testing the waters here.

The DD sounds like a trade-off. Or at least, she's introduced her friend to mum's life and mum can now see the benefits to be had so has quickly inviegled herself to the forefront of the friendship.

If this was Mr Ordinary I bet the DDs friendship with him wouldn't be condoned.

He's already been briefed about the marriage that's lacking aka the coast is clear albeit it would be an arrangement that likely won't involve leaving the husband, but still.

If OP wants to go ahead it's her call.

I just don't see the point of pretending to be a saint when you want the sugar - but on your terms.

Here's a story,

Two years ago, when I was single, I became friends with a man, who had a wife who lives abroad. We became friends and spent some time together doing 'companion' things, cinema, pub, walks.

One day he called me and said, after some pleasantries, words to the effect of 'I like you, but I'm concerned you might be misconstruing our involvement. I'm married and I'm faithful to my wife. Perhaps I'm well off the mark with this, but I just wanted to be really clear with you, because I like you and respect you'.

I laughed and thanked him and assured him I just saw him as a friend, however, I was grateful for the opportunity to clarify the situation.

And then we went back to bring normal friends.

Why not try that? If he gets uppity or cuts you off, you have your answer.

chesty that gives me hope! Exactly what I’ve got my fingers crossed for.

I decided to text him, to give him a chance to react without me standing right there. I said that the growing friendship mattered to me, but that I felt the time had come to let him know I wasn’t in the position to offer romance, for several reasons (which I didn’t list). I offered to ‘raincheck’ this weekend’s outing, if that would suit him better.

After a few hours I sent a hobby-related pic (as I would have on any normal day, if I’d been inspired). He eventually responded, with comments on the pic and asking about sandwiches for the weekend.

I’m hoping this is an acknowledgement of my situation and my position. My dad would have handled things like this- no direct response, but ‘getting the message’. Again, if he were 50yo I’d want something more direct but I suspect this is OK. I guess I’ll find out on the weekend?! If he somehow misinterprets my text as a coy encouragement, there’ll be firm words, and a crash-course in feminism!

MistressDeeCee and a couple of other posters- you’re making a lot of (rather sexist?) assumptions if you think I’ve got stars in my eyes because of his wealth, and ‘inviegling’ myself towards the ‘sugar’. Who ever said he’s richer than me? I mentioned his wealth because I was suggesting it might be a factor for an older guy to feel a bit entitled or too confident in life.

Isn’t it just possible that 3 humans- one young, one old, one middle-aged- could have a nice connection and friendship without it being creepy, weird, gold-digging or with anyone ‘using’ anyone else? I’ve encountered a blip, but I’m hopeful (and growing confident) that we can navigate past it?

None of us come to any friendship as a blank slate. Even my 8yo has unconscious positive bias- she isn’t well served with blood grandparents, so I know she enjoys ‘pseudo’ grandparent interactions where she finds them. I sought out new mother mates when I had her, cos my mates were all childfree. Does that make me dishonest? This older guy obviously likes having women/girls in his life (he’s surrounded by male cronies and his son’s friends). He’s a bit rusty at it, but it doesn’t need to be a deal-breaker. Patience, clear communication and a bit of kindness can still win the day, I think.

Will report back, if anyone’s interested.

I hope your text has cleared everything up and you all have a good weekend

OP but you didn't say that when the poster I responded to described him as seeing you as 'easy prey' though, did you? 🙂

I was merely pointing out that it goes both ways...

I can see why he thinks he's in with a chance. I'm your age and my bf is five years younger than I am. I have no interest in socialising on my own with a man so much older than I am. It just wouldn't happen.

Stop socialising with him on your own. Tell him you're meeting a man you went to school with and that you can't wait to catch up.

Also OP you are not single. You are married. & sounding quite breathlessly excited at being around this man, in your opening post.

Your young daughter being his friend seems strange. I can't think what they would have in common.

If you were a married man talking about being somehow unable to get rid of a female potential suitor that he's been hanging around with whilst also letting her know his marriage isn't that good, you'd get roasted on MN.

Even if the friendship can continue, it's a bit off-key isn't it

Of course, all up to you though. You know the score after all.

You're sending him mixed messages. There was no need to talk to him about your sexless marriage. You could have just said yes I'm married

Op, I think your response very sensible and would have done similar, along the lines of 'btw, just to establish early on, romance is thoroughly off the table here and whatever conflicts I have with DH we are married.'

I think you know what you're doing.