Marriage in severe danger.

[Alloverbartheshoutingnow]

I’ll try not to drop feed so this might be long.

We’ve been married for 5 years – together for 8. Generally we have a great relationship, on the same wavelength – we just clicked from day one.

He’s been married before and has kids with his ex wife, I’ve never wanted kids so it works for us. There is an age gap of 16 years but this has never been a problem. We’re 43 and 59.

I’m self employed and work away a lot during the week – he works full time. We both earn a good salary but I probably bring home three times as much as he does. But as far as I’m concerned it all goes into the same pot and its never been my money and his money.

Anyway, we had a major argument on Saturday that seemed to come out of no where. We were watching the rugby and I was knitting as I normally do. He made a joke comment about his afternoon BJ (note this is a running joke between us) and I said “when I finish this row”. He was initially in a mood after this but wasn’t forthcoming. Refused to get in the hot tub which we normally do etc. Anyway, says he didn’t want any dinner and stormed upstairs.

I hate arguments and don’t believe in going to bed on an argument or letting things lie so I followed him to try to get him to talk about it.

And that’s when it kicked off. Turns out he feels ignored as all I do every minute of the day when I’m home is knit. I will admit its my default when watching TV but I thought it was just something I did whilst being there. Apparently I don’t talk, if I’m watching TV I just listen to it – got told its like he’s living with someone who’s ignoring him constantly. That all I want to do of a weekend when I’m home is sleep, knit and watch TV as an excuse for knitting. He wasn’t sure why I bothered coming home. And he is right, that is pretty much all I’ve wanted to do recently.

Said to me, how would I like it if I came home and he had his head in a book all weekend and everything was "just let me finish this chapter" because it was the same thing.

I think that was the trigger for it but then a whole load of stuff came out. How he is embarrassed by me these days since I’ve put on 6 stone (was already 4 stone overweight) and that whilst he’s losing weight I’m gaining it. Ironically I’ve lost a stone since Christmas. That when we do go out, I’m forever getting into arguments with people and I’m constantly judging people. That I don’t care enough about what I look like and most of the time I’ll go out looking like a bag lady. He is correct on all these points. I’ve always been the same but I think as I’ve turned 40 I care less about what other people think.

In general he does anything for me, is always the one to make sure I’m ok, put my needs before his and make sure I’m ok and I think I’ve taken him for granted. In fact I know I have. Its really easy to waltz in and treat the house like he’s my personal maid and I’m staying in a hotel.

Told me at one point that he wanted nothing more to do with me and that we were finished. That we’d put the house up for sale and I’d get “my fair share”.

Queue lots of crying and shouting. I phone my friend and his sister (who said she knew her brother and he was just being an arse etc etc) and ultimately I was about to go to a hotel to give him space (I Couldn’t be in the same house and do that).

When I was about to go, he said he didn’t know why but he didn’t want me to go but he was sick of trying to tell me. I am on the spectrum so I know I don’t pick up on the normal cues – I do remember him mentioning stuff but I thought he was joking about it. He said that I should have given him space when he went up to bed and not followed him up and backed him into a corner.

So yesterday we to the town where I stay whilst away to spend the night with family – he was going up to visit his family in Scotland until Thursday. When we stopped for a bite to eat he said “he still didn’t know what to do as you can’t just have an argument like that and forget about it”. I pointed out that I can’t go back and wave a wand and undo anything but I’ve taken on board what he said and I didn’t realise it was coming across the way it was.

He’s now on his way to his Sisters. He did tell me he loved me last night (although he added onto it that I’m a pain in the arse) and gave me a cuddle in bed but he’s still being really distant in general.

Part of me is saying to just leave it and give him space and trying to push it will make it worse. But I’m in bits and barely holding it together in work.

then saying I felt sorry for their kid as they are clearly being brought up by fucking idiots and I hoped their breakfast choked them since they'd ruined mine.

You sound utterly horrible. I'm not surprised he wants a divorce.

I think people who allow their kids to play on noisy ipads in public spaces, without headphones ARE incredibly selfish. It is an idiotic thing to do and a poor way to raise a child. Especially when you can get headphones for about a quid in Poundland. However, two wrongs don't make a right and selfish bad behaviour does not mean it's OK to yell at those people in an uncontrolled way. OP: you sound as though you need some assertiveness training so that you can be firm without losing your rag. Your behaviour, to be frank, is at a level where local people will simply be writing you down as a lunatic - it's way beyond the boundaries of normal, and I imagine it's causing some severe embarrassment to your DH. I once worked with a woman who behaved in a similar way, and let's just say that her actions did not exactly buy her the love, respect, and commitment of the team.

I can assure you it is not a reverse.

And I am listening. Most of what you are saying is what I know deep down.

And I think it is lack of assertiveness that makes me flip.

Struggling to believe this is real now, probably belatedly...

I think you’ve got caught in this mindset where you believe that you’re clever, witty and ‘no nonsense’, and everyone else in the world is a bumbling incompetent idiot. Whereas actually you’re just rude, offensive and superior.

And I think it is lack of assertiveness that makes me flip.

You don't have a lack of assertiveness. You think you should be allowed to speak to people how you see fit. You are someone who thinks nastiness is assertiveness

Again, you don't do it at work. So I dont believe you cant help it. I imagine you see people at work more as your equal or know that acting like that at work will end up with your earning power being damaged

The problem is that you see most people as beneath you and an inconvenience.

I never let my kids use their tablets without their head phones and if someone asked me to turn it down I would. But if you spoke to me like you have said you have spoke to people, I would be assertive enough to put you back in your box with out swearing or saying I wished you harm.

Your marriage is just part of a larger problem. You are exceptionally rude and hostile, in fact some of what you describe would be seen as threatening by many people. That your DH put up with it for this long is astonishing.

Have you ever had counselling?

Tennessee I see what you mean. Maybe 'asertiveness' is the wrong word, because it tends to be associated with reticence/shyness, which is clearly not the OP's issue. I don't know how to put this into words, so bear with me, but it seems like people who suddenly flip and lose their temper sometimes do so because of insecurity/anxiety and a lack of skills to manage the situation in a firm but gentle way, as well as a sense of power/entitlement that their behaviour will simply be tolerated. Your DH is definitely firing a very, very clear shot about this over the bows, OP. It is not OK, and it will really destroy your relationship if you don't get a handle on it. There are loads of courses you can do on anger management, and I think you'd really benefit from one.

Can I ask: do you and your DH have friends with whom you socialise? How do you treat them?

Oh dear.

You seem to have been fortunate so far in being so skilled and talented that you have been able to afford to be disrespectful to everyone else. Beautiful people can be like this too. Things go well, and they think they can behave how they like.

It's a 'this is who I am, warts and all. Like it or lump it' approach.

My DH is similar, but fortunately not as outgoing as you. He quietly decides everyone else is an idiot but is able not to tell them.

You may be able to save your relationship, but not by pushing and insisting. You need to back off, try harder, and keep your distance. If he can see you've changed he may try again.

BUT don't think that everything's fine because he asks you for an afternoon BJ. He'll happily do that while still planning on leaving.

You need counselling and guidance OP. Maybe even coaching. You have a lot to learn.

downcasteyes yes. I definitely agree some people can be like that.

However op has enough confidence to, for example, ask them to turn down the tablets volume or to enter a conversation with the woman on the cruise.

Also she admits that she thinks lots of people are idiots and than now since she turned 40 she doesnt care what people think. Assertiveness training would be good to reign her in and show her the difference between assertiveness and aggression. My response was the OP saying it's a lack of assertiveness.

Again though, she gets on fine at work and does treat people like this. I think it's one of the 2 reasons above.

1 she thinks her wage/job title makes her better than everyone else and so wont do anything that damages her earning

2 she view people in the same job type as her as equals. But no one else.

If she can control herself and treat people well at work and she says she does, she can do it with her husband and other people outside work. It's a choice she is making everytime she treats someone like they are lesser than her.

And FWIW op, my dp written skills are appalling. He didn't get a good education, his parents were shit. He earns very well and has a good job and is intelligent. If you tried to treat him like an idiot he would very calmly and politly had you your ass. Even though his texts often need a translator.

regardless of whether you can save your relationship op you really need to work on your general attitude or you are heading for a very lonely old age.

Well regardless of other issues (and you should stop being so aggressive and rude to people because it's the decent way to act, not to please your DH ) how would your DH feel if he knew you had copied and pasted his very private text conversation on a forum read by millions with threads often quoted in the press?

Apologies if I'm wrong but I dont think anyone else has picked up on this and I think it's a huge betrayal of trust and your DH's privacy. This alone would be enough to end my marriage tbh and there are no excuses for it, especially self diagnosed ones

Well there is some good news.

He has said he'll give me a chance. It was along the lines of "I'll give it three months to see what happens. If it does not work out, we deffo split. It is up to you. This is not about me. You and you alone have fucked our marriage"

So its a glimmer of hope and is all I'm asking for.

I've asked for this to be deleted.

Well, really? His behaviour is not looking too grand either, so you both need to work at things. Good luck

OP why have you asked for the thread to be deleted?

"This is not about me. You and you alone have fucked our marriage"

Seriously? This is not a good basis for a way forward. It sounds as though he is creating a situation where you are kept anxiously dangling for 3 months, on your best behaviour. That's not the way you fix a marriage - it's a way of changing the power dynamic. Plus, his behaviour over the blowjob was NOT OK. You don't get to throw a sulk and then a strop because someone doesn't drop everything instantly to suck your cock!

I honestly think you should both go into pretty intensive couples counselling, and to try to build from a place of love and trust, not a "test".

you could just ask for the text message posts to be deleted.

you have had a lot of good advice here.

I'm assuming she's asked for it to be deleted because she doesn't like the advice...

You said on your other thread (started yesterday) that you are moving to a different part of the country

OP, I realise that you are hurting right now, and that the advice on this thread probably doesn't feel like it's helping you. When you are in pain, any additional attack can feel far worse than it is meant.

I am actually really concerned about the dynamic your husband is setting up as he returns, and worried about your state of mind. I suspect you need more than one type of help and support right now.

No, threads served its purpose and is of no use anymore thassal.

When someone who knows they need to change but will only do those changes with an audience or there's no point it's just a matter of time before it ends.

In the meantime he gets 3 months of payback.

Good luck OP.

The OP is asking for the thread to be deleted because it had served its purpose to her. So now she doesn't see why it should keep being available to anyone else.

Crazy. See you in 3 months op.

Yes, I agree about the dynamic which is being set up here. I would walk away and work on myself, my weight and my other relationships and communications. Honestly.