Marriage in severe danger.

[Alloverbartheshoutingnow]

I’ll try not to drop feed so this might be long.

We’ve been married for 5 years – together for 8. Generally we have a great relationship, on the same wavelength – we just clicked from day one.

He’s been married before and has kids with his ex wife, I’ve never wanted kids so it works for us. There is an age gap of 16 years but this has never been a problem. We’re 43 and 59.

I’m self employed and work away a lot during the week – he works full time. We both earn a good salary but I probably bring home three times as much as he does. But as far as I’m concerned it all goes into the same pot and its never been my money and his money.

Anyway, we had a major argument on Saturday that seemed to come out of no where. We were watching the rugby and I was knitting as I normally do. He made a joke comment about his afternoon BJ (note this is a running joke between us) and I said “when I finish this row”. He was initially in a mood after this but wasn’t forthcoming. Refused to get in the hot tub which we normally do etc. Anyway, says he didn’t want any dinner and stormed upstairs.

I hate arguments and don’t believe in going to bed on an argument or letting things lie so I followed him to try to get him to talk about it.

And that’s when it kicked off. Turns out he feels ignored as all I do every minute of the day when I’m home is knit. I will admit its my default when watching TV but I thought it was just something I did whilst being there. Apparently I don’t talk, if I’m watching TV I just listen to it – got told its like he’s living with someone who’s ignoring him constantly. That all I want to do of a weekend when I’m home is sleep, knit and watch TV as an excuse for knitting. He wasn’t sure why I bothered coming home. And he is right, that is pretty much all I’ve wanted to do recently.

Said to me, how would I like it if I came home and he had his head in a book all weekend and everything was "just let me finish this chapter" because it was the same thing.

I think that was the trigger for it but then a whole load of stuff came out. How he is embarrassed by me these days since I’ve put on 6 stone (was already 4 stone overweight) and that whilst he’s losing weight I’m gaining it. Ironically I’ve lost a stone since Christmas. That when we do go out, I’m forever getting into arguments with people and I’m constantly judging people. That I don’t care enough about what I look like and most of the time I’ll go out looking like a bag lady. He is correct on all these points. I’ve always been the same but I think as I’ve turned 40 I care less about what other people think.

In general he does anything for me, is always the one to make sure I’m ok, put my needs before his and make sure I’m ok and I think I’ve taken him for granted. In fact I know I have. Its really easy to waltz in and treat the house like he’s my personal maid and I’m staying in a hotel.

Told me at one point that he wanted nothing more to do with me and that we were finished. That we’d put the house up for sale and I’d get “my fair share”.

Queue lots of crying and shouting. I phone my friend and his sister (who said she knew her brother and he was just being an arse etc etc) and ultimately I was about to go to a hotel to give him space (I Couldn’t be in the same house and do that).

When I was about to go, he said he didn’t know why but he didn’t want me to go but he was sick of trying to tell me. I am on the spectrum so I know I don’t pick up on the normal cues – I do remember him mentioning stuff but I thought he was joking about it. He said that I should have given him space when he went up to bed and not followed him up and backed him into a corner.

So yesterday we to the town where I stay whilst away to spend the night with family – he was going up to visit his family in Scotland until Thursday. When we stopped for a bite to eat he said “he still didn’t know what to do as you can’t just have an argument like that and forget about it”. I pointed out that I can’t go back and wave a wand and undo anything but I’ve taken on board what he said and I didn’t realise it was coming across the way it was.

He’s now on his way to his Sisters. He did tell me he loved me last night (although he added onto it that I’m a pain in the arse) and gave me a cuddle in bed but he’s still being really distant in general.

Part of me is saying to just leave it and give him space and trying to push it will make it worse. But I’m in bits and barely holding it together in work.

I'm sorry OP but it doesn't sound very positive. It sounds like he's had enough and wants to leave. Let him go and allow him to find another NT person who doesn't have the same issues as you. You will then have the space and time to sort yourself out.

I do know I do it to strangers but to my mind they are strangers so what does it matter. But if you were my friend or husband, I would never talk down to you

Um wasn't your husband and friends strangers once? Seriously OP, why would you want to leave someone feeling like shit which you could be doing often? Everyone has their own struggles and it costs nothing to be kind.

I do know I do it to strangers but to my mind they are strangers so what does it matter

Why would you think this is ok? Does it make you feel better about yourself to talk down to strangers and be judgemental about them? I can't think of another reason to do it, other than in your own head to make you feel superior?

I am not making an excuse but my rationale was...... we are far too polite as a society. We grin and bear it an no one says how they feel.

So, if someone does something that annoys me, I'll tell them. That way they know what they are doing is not acceptable to everyone.

As an example (And I know this is mums net so its probably a bad one) we were out for breakfast ate a local cafe that we like and this family walked in. The kid was allowed to play on the iPad with no headphones and no volume control. It annoyed me and ruined my breakfast. So I made my displeasure known - that its not acceptable to use an iPad at audible volume in public.

That is one of the examples where DH was embarrassed about my behaviour and I don't think we went back for several months.

But to me, it was a case off, if someone doesn't tell them its not ok then they'll keep doing it.

The other one is when you get stuck in a queue behind someone who wants to chat to the cashier about their life story and take forever faffing. I hate faffers. Put your stuff through, pay and leave - it can be quick. But the people who won't move from the counter until they've zipped up fort Knox of a bag first - or who get to payment time and don't have it ready - really wind me up.

He imposed a FB ban on me from the local FB group after I pointed out that the reason I park in P&C places or take up two spaces is I don't want my car dented by idiots who can't park. But I gave away enough info that our cars were identifiable and he said I'm asking to have them keyed.

Note - I do realise now this isn't acceptable and I have stopped causing arguments like this (I just seethe quietly inside).

My EX DP who I was with for 8 years also, was diagnosed on the spectrum, and he was a knob. Complete knob.

And I've realised Im a lazy good for nothing slob. But I don't want to be. I really really don't.

Op youn are perfectly able to address all of the issues your DH is finding so unaceptable.

Start today,

set aside time for knitting when he is not there,

work less if possible,

REALLY ramp up the weight loss, as you have a fair bit to lose you could do much more then a stone in 2 months, ie what you have done since Xmas. I lost 2 stone in 6 weeks on the Louise Parker method and l only had 2 stone to lose.

Reassess your make up and haircut/style, improve or change if its rubbish.

Morning and evening practice tidying your house.

Remind yourself that whilst slow people at tills infuriate you, people who leave a mess behind them(ie You) infuriate others (ie your DH)
Try and see it as we all have annoying habits, just different ones.

Let him stay in the spare room ans see for himself how different you are by doing the above.

You are a great cook so cook him some healthy meals.

the reason I park in P&C places or take up two spaces is I don't want my car dented by idiots who can't park.

If the rest of you showing displeasure and dealing with people is like this, then your poor OH.
That's incredibly selfish and the reason just shows what you think of most people.

You can be assertive without being a bitch. You just seem to think you're more important than anyone else.

And if that is your normal behaviour, forget about your weight or how you dress. It's not about any of those.

I made my displeasure known
How did you do this?

"Op youn are perfectly able to address all of the issues your DH is finding so unaceptable.@

I know.

But that matters not if he's not willing to engage with me. I don't see much point in coming home every weekend if all he says he wants to do it end it.

But you can't expect him to do an immediate about face. These things take time. If you insist on him taking back his wish to end it right now, that won't get you anywhere. You will need patience.

How did I do it?

By first asking them to turn the volume down.

Then asking again.

then saying I felt sorry for their kid as they are clearly being brought up by fucking idiots and I hoped their breakfast choked them since they'd ruined mine.

When I lose my temper I lose it.

But I do know this is wrong and I have been working on it.

And certainly this was never something that happened every time we went out - maybe once a month something would trigger me (usually at the time of PMT)

I don't want an immediate about face.

I just want some sort of indication that he's not totally opposed to this working out.

If I were to get even a hint, I'll be happy to spend years convincing him I have had my wake up call

Anyway, he's on the way home so tomorrow will be interesting

Of course it matters how you talk to strangers! If you talk down to people, they will feel annoyed. That will affect the interaction, whether it's in the workplace, you buying a cup of coffee, whatever. And if someone feels you are talking down to them, that person is much less likely to WANT to get to know you as a friend.

Another thing that really struck me here is how you say, about having arguments with people when you go out, that some of their opinions are not based on facts. My MIL is on the spectrum and she corrects people constantly and it is really, really cringeworthy. It's all about context. If someone writes an essay which has factual errors in it, and you are the teacher, then yes, it's the right thing to point out inaccuracies. But that is absolutely NOT the right thing to do in casual conversation, it is very rude and, as I said, cringeworthy.

Who wants to be a friend with someone who is talking down to them? No-one.

There are things here that you could change (both with your husband and with other people). Can'tStopMeNow above has very good observations and advice. But what you keep saying, in various ways, is "I am stubborn, that's just the way I am." And being stubborn is no basis for a good friendship or a good relationship.

At no point have I said I don't want to change.

when I say Im stubborn - that is in very specific context of this discussion and why I wont accept he wants it to be over.

I'm going to be blunt: I am losing patience with you.

The number of times on this thread you have referred to people as idiots. Someone is an idiot because they have an opinion not based on fact. Another person is an idiot because they are having a bit of a chat at the till with the checkout person. Then you tell us you shouted at a couple out with their child, telling them you feel sorry for their kid because s/he is "clearly being brought up by fucking idiots" and that you hope their breakfast chokes them.

Sometimes people do things that we find annoying. Sometimes people we meet ARE inconsiderate, etc. Often, they don't mean to be, it is not malicious.By shouting like that, you aren't putting the world to rights, you are 1) probably upsetting people and 2) making yourself look really horrible, out-of-control, mad even. And a child witnessing that would probably be frightened.

Perhaps you really don't care about any of that. But I can see why your husband doesn't want to go out with you anywhere.

As others have said, you can say "I don't accept that this is over" but he can leave you anyway.

By saying that repeatedly, you are really telling him that he has no rights at all, that his opinions and feelings are completely irrelevant to the discussion, that this is ALL about you. This is a marriage and that involves TWO people.

He must already have known that these traits were part of you. I, personally, would find this confusing.

You need to work on the messiness, but I completely understand the need to finish a row. People are interpreting this as you being unavailable (how many of them knit?) but I'm wondering how much of this is about him taking issue with you not giving him your paw, on command.

Similarly, disagreeing with people is not automatically wrong. Some people really are arseholes and shouldn't go unchallenged. Who is to say you were rude and he was justified in his ire, without knowing all the facts?

OP - it sounds like you need some counselling/therapy tbh. From your posts you don't seem to have much empathy for anyone, especially those with different views to you.

Much as you may want to, you can't force your husband to stay, this has gone beyond promises to change, it sounds like he's checked out. I think you both need significant space/time apart to figure out what you both want. If you both want to stay together you should also go to couples counselling.

Good luck

OP a man talking badly to strangers and treating strangers poorly is a red flag for a lot of women.

You behaving like that is acceptable, your breakfast rant for example, is very bad.

Something for you to think about. Only you can make yourself angry. Only you can choose to be happy. Instead of getting rankled by the oversharers at the checkout wonder for a moment whether it is their only social interaction for the day. By getting angry and cranky what are you achieving? Is it going to change anything? No it isn't. Why don't you instead think of the positive. It's good that the checkout person is engaging with customers, that customer may have noone in their life and be extremely lonely. Getting worked up over an ipad at breakfast. What did that achieve? Made you cranky, embarassed the hell out of your husband. Why not make the choice to ignore the other people and enjoy having breakfast with your husband. That's a decision with a much nicer outcome isn't it?

This just seems like a reverse to me.

OP, asking someone to turn an I pad down is fine. Then swearing at them and telling the kids their parents are fucking idiots is not acceptable

Telling people they cant chat to a cashier is not acceptable

Again, I note you don't do this at work. You just come across people who irritate you at work but you don't lose your rag and shout and wear at them. So you cant control it, you do know how to act. But apart from at work you don't think you should.

Yes, when I am in a rush faffers annoy me. But so what, my need to rush shouldn't be their focus. If they want to have a chat with the cashier or secure their bag before they love, that's up them. If someone wants to take an extra 2 minutes, who am I to tell them they cant?

I don't give a shit who parks in P&C spaces. However why would you go on a lack Facebook group and argue about this. And call people idiots? What did they achieve? And why do you think you and your car are so important that you don't have to park like the rest of us?

You do know you are doing. As you say you have a rationale that it's your job to tell people they are behaving in a unacceptable way. Except in a alot of situations, it not for you dictate what's acceptable.

And you don't think of your husband. Do you know how stressful it is to be with someone who starts arguments all the time, that openly looks down on people and judges others, that you cant be with and socialise with others?

The issue is that you also treat your husband like this. That you do what you want, and screw everyone else.

But again, you don't do it at work. So don't believe you didn't know or cant help it.

You need to make changes for you. So that you can have more people round you, you seem to want that. But I think accepting your husbands decision and making the changes anyway is the way forward for you.

Please don’t say you really told a family they were fucking idiots and you hoped they choked on their breakfast. I can hardly believe that.

I have never seen anyone behave like that in my life apart from someone with mental illness/dementia.

It sounds like you're recognising what the issues are. I know children making a noise is annoying but you must realise you seriously overreacted on that occasion. It might help you to see a counsellor

This thread is getting more worrying. It's either a reverse or someone with severe problems and/or mental health issues. The OP isn't going to listen so perhaps we should stop engaging?