OW's DH has just contacted me almost one year later...

[NameChaChaChange]

My DH kissed an ex colleague after a few weeks of flirting, messaging and work night outs almost one year ago..

Shortly after I discovered what had happened, I messaged the OW's DH essentially asking him how he was coping, if he was okay - I basically was hoping to gleam more info from him that my DH perhaps hadn't parted with, but his wife may have.

Anyway! The man never got back to me, but this evening, 10 and a half months later, he has...

He's sent me a friend request and asked me how I'm doing and that he should have asked a long time ago:..

I'm now wide awake freaking out that this bloke is going to tell me things that happened between his wife and my DH that I've been blissfully unaware of for the last year.

Why contact me now?????

*Other woman are here telling you that your right
*
Please can someone translate.

'ffs, next time I'll make it worthwhile'.

This is exactly the same as him saying ‘well I was being accused of it anyway so I decided to do it’

When someone tells you who they are you should believe them.

Sorry Op but if he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't be getting so angry. As, for the next time comment, I'd have made clear there wouldn't be one. Sounds like he has no respect for you at all. He is the one that has broken your trust and should be bending over backwards to appease you, not the other way around.

She has done nothing wrong, apart from letting her cheating shit of a husband get away with it.

Contacting the OWs DH was designed to get back at the OW and completely disregarded how that would impact on him. That's spiteful.

If you decide to stay with someone who has cheated, how long is it acceptable to cast it up for? Ten months is actually a pretty long time. You might not be 100% over it and still have some trust issues but to decide after 10 months there are a dozen details you want a complete stranger to clarify is utterly bonkers. DH shouldn't have cheated but if things have been going well between them, I can see why he would be pissed off that this is all dragged up again. There comes a point where you have to say "fine, there was infidelity but we'll move past it" and you can't use it as a weapon whenever you feel like it.

I've never cheated and I think it's one of the lowest things a person can do, but a couple either decide to make a go of it or split. The halfway house does no-one any favours.

Ten months is actually a pretty long time

Have you ever been cheated on @Yabbers? Genuine question

Ten months is no time at all whilst recovering from infidelity actually. No time at all.

Please be careful, you are allowing people who could pass you in the street and ignore you, as you don't know us from Adam, to advice you on your marriage .

Yes, some are advising you to exceed use caution after your doh has previously been unfaithful and others are advising you that it was maybe just a kiss and hey- loads of people probably do that.

I think his words are all you really needed to hear.

Proceed not exceed

Q

...but if things have been going well for them...

He’s so good at manipulating me in to thinking that I’ve done something wrong, to the point that I start to majorly doubt and question my own thoughts and and feelings. He makes me feel this way every single time (doesn’t have to be related to him cheating) whereby I’m left seriously doubting my entirely rational and human feelings.

Clearly, things have not been going well.

Many therapists believe that it can take at least two years to trust again, and that is with a partner who gives you everything you need to heal.

He's not supported me through this. Ever. There were times when I thought he was remorseful, but it was short lived and his true colours always ended up showing when I got upset about his infidelity. He wants it totally swept under the rug and he had that mentality from day one.

As long as I keep tight lipped about my feelings, then all is good. The moment I speak up, he gets annoyed, gets defensive and plays the victim.

"Please be careful, you are allowing people who could pass you in the street and ignore you, as you don't know us from Adam, to advice you on your marriage."

Well that is rather the point of Mumsnet's Relationships board.

So the next time this happens, OP, will you be able to follow your husband's rules then too? The 'put up or shut up' ones? What about the time after that? Be in no doubt, if you saw this as a 'win', it wasn't. He has won, he has you doubting your own needs and making you question whether you're doing the right thing.

AnotherEmma is right, this is gas-lighting. How long as you going to let this go on?

I hope there are no children having to watch this performance because it's quite shocking really and would be the most awful message to model for them.

If you have real life friends maybe ask them what they think of your situation.

As long as I keep tight lipped about my feelings, then all is good. The moment I speak up, he gets annoyed, gets defensive and plays the victim

Give it up. You are flogging a dead horse.

@NameChaChaChange - I don't think you will get many posters disagreeing with you on the negatives of your husband. The question is, can you live like this long term? What is it about not being with him that scares you into staying? Can you work on that? Life is too short to live a life of torture like yours is sounding.

@Mummmy2017 I agree with the previous poster who doubted the reliability of your assessments of situations and the subsequent advice that you offer, I have come across your posts in the past and they are, at best, bizarre. You are way over invested.

OP, I can only echo what other posters have said - his treatment of you is appalling and that comment about ‘next time’ would destroy any remaining trust I had in him. I could not live with someone like that.

Honestly, I no longer know what's keeping me here. It used to be that I saw some good in him, believed he could be different, that actually he wasn't manipulating and controlling me - but I think the rose tinted glasses were thoroughly stomped on when he cheated and consistently lied, and unluckily for both myself and for him, the pieces don't seem to be fitting back together in any way, shape or form.

He stonewalls me to no end and he's recently finished up therapy as a last ditch attempt to combat his fucking awful conversational skills - but nothing changed there. I'm still being stonewalled regularly, am frequently gaslighted - I'm starting to open my eyes up to what I'm actually putting myself through.....

God. I'm being a fucking idiot. Aren't I!?

Yep, telling some too think twice. Before following advice from people you don't know..
Truly bazzar.

Um, in the nicest possible way, yes you are.

Have you had any counselling (for yourself, not couple's counselling)? Have you read any Lundy Bancroft?

@mummmy2017, I’m pretty sure the OP is probably already quite aware that she doesn’t know any of us.

And yes, your posts are ‘bazaar’

This has gone from, he kissed someone last year, to he is rather a different person...
Good luck what ever you decide

OP, I wouldn’t say you’re being an idiot. But I would say now is the time to stop trusting anything he says and think very clearly about the fact that you deserve better.

Why don't you just leave him? What's stopping you?