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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend of 5 years just got his penis out in front of me and my friend

168 replies

cantchange · 24/02/2019 02:04

Right. He had a habit of doing this a while back until I told him it was fucking unacceptable. His old friends laugh about it - he's a bit joker and is used to getting away with murder because he such a flipping character, not to mention a massive player. He says he thinks it's just funny but he must be being disingenuous.

I spelled out a few years ago that this was fucking unacceptable. If for no other reason that it made me feel horrible and disrespected. So he stopped all that crazy shit and has been very loving and attentive for years. I so wanted to believe he had changed. He's changed in so many ways, calmed down, got older basically and realised he likes his life with me.

So my oldest friend came over tonight. We hung out, caught up, drank wine. He came back around 10 a little tipsy from the pub after watching rugby, so far so normal. So my friend and I were dancing around the kitchen, he was reading his phone, facebook, football, etc. Just very low key. I don't know what it was but I sensed my friend and he were being a bit flirty. Next thing he has his semi erect cock out.

I went mad and told him that he knew it was unacceptable. I left the room and told them to get on with it. She left after trying to comfort me, but I said I was fine just obviously pissed off.

He then gets all defensive, says he was just having a laugh, Kept saying sorry, and when I was still pissed off, all the "how many times can I say I'm sorry." Then "I was drunk" and I said so what if I'm not with you and you get drunk - what might happen then?. Tried to explain that it was a sexual thing, it wasn't his foot. He was basically pissed off with me...just that kind of defensive anger.

I thought he'd changed, but now I'm back to thinking I can't trust him. God please tell me how you would react. He said I was overreacting. I just want to make him realise how shit this is. So tell me how you would feel and what you would do. I'm calm but on the verge of thinking I should end it. By the way, we have a wonderful time together, spend loads of time together and laugh every day so it's a really good relationship. I need advice please please.....oh god men

OP posts:
Whenwillieverlearn · 24/02/2019 08:24

OP I think some people are being quite harsh with you.

From a different perspective, I think you have a sense of inferiority in the relationship (like your “wrong side of 50” comment) like you feel lucky to be with him because he is a player and he has so far “chosen” you.

Also I doubt your friend was flirting with him - I just think you’ve been conditioned by your gratitude at being in the relationship to think that everyone must want to be with him - even your best friend - and you see things through that lens when you’ve had something to drink.

Nevertheless, you need to take your inferiority goggles off and see it as wildly inappropriate behaviour.

Your first reaction should have been embarrassment and loss of respect for him. NOT focusing in on him and your friend flirting.

CricketSnicket · 24/02/2019 08:25

If a teenager did this, I'd be horrified. Your bloke is too old for this shit.

Ditch him, go out feeling fabulous and meet someone with more class. No such thing as 'the wrong side of 50' - go out and be the distinguished person that YOU are and don't let Flash Gordon drag you down.

Ellapaella · 24/02/2019 08:25

I read your op as though your main concern is that your friend and your boyfriend would have got it on if you hadn't been there?

Yuck. 🤢

You're poor friend. She must have been mortified! A grown man getting his knob out like an over excited teenager because his girlfriend and her mate are drunk and happy. He's totally misread the situation in a way that wouldn't even be excusable for a teenage boy.

cushioncuddle · 24/02/2019 08:25

There are no reasons why it is ok or funny for a man to get his dick out when it's not in a consensual situation whether that be sexual or for a medical reason.
Any other time is seen as sexually abusive. If your friend wished she could report him to the police for being flashed at which is sexual assault.
You are trying to hide his predatory actions as him being a funny guy and what he does. It's not. He's using being a funny guy to be sexually abusive.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 24/02/2019 08:27

Over 50. Huh? Like others I assumes 22 at the most.

Your poor friend as well. Go round to a friend’s house, your boyfriend commits a sex crime to her, you leave her alone with him telling them to get on with it. As someone else said - flashing is the gateway crime to rape and you put your friend at risk. You didn’t know what your boyfriend was going to do next - just that he had already committed one sex offence towards your friend.

And then she comforts you!

Pushpull · 24/02/2019 08:29

I just can't quite fathom how things move from looking at Facebook on your phone to standing up and getting a semi erect penis out. Like what does he say as an introduction.

Honestly it's horrible and if I was your friend I would never come over again while he was there (and although it's gross to flirt with him it's not an invitation to be exposed to that behaviour!) And I would feel very sorry for you.

If he hasnt grown out of it yet he never will. You can't spend all your time at home with friends worrying your partner might do this.

I know plenty of men over 50 who would never ever dream of this and would be absolutely disgusted by this behaviour. You deserve more

GoGoGadgetGin · 24/02/2019 08:33

How do you know about the threesomes? Were they a way of his testing your reaction do think?

Mrsmummy90 · 24/02/2019 08:33

My ex did this all the time we were 18-19 and it used to piss me off. I thought you were going to say you were both early 20's but he's over 50 and doing this?
What grown ass man does that?? I feel so bad for your poor friend! How uncomfortable she must have felt!

That's sexual harassment and she could call the police for that.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2019 08:33

Bloody hell I would have left him ages ago, he is a perv and totally unacceptable. Why are you with him?

LordPickle · 24/02/2019 08:33

How old is this manchild? Shock

ReaganSomerset · 24/02/2019 08:35

Let you're friend know that you'll support her in reporting him. He needs a wake-up call, regardless of what happens in your relationship.

wellhonestly · 24/02/2019 08:37

I would definitely be sacking him for this.

Indecent exposure. At your friend.

You have already told him this sort of behaviour is unacceptable. Unacceptable. So don't accept it. (Otherwise what does "unacceptable" even mean? )

NotANotMan · 24/02/2019 08:38

I would never come to your house again while that man was there

PhilomenaButterfly · 24/02/2019 08:40

Has he got ADHD? The reason I ask this is that we're still trying to stop DS 7 from doing this. Maybe no one told your boyfriend not to?

TheInvestigator · 24/02/2019 08:40

He's the sort of the disgusting man who would pull his dick out infront of his daughters teenage friends if they were having a party... So I'm really hoping there are no children involved anywhere in his life.

He's a pervert. A flasher. A predator. This is what they do. And it is not OK.

You know that everyone will be saying that behind your backs, don't you? And they'll all be questioning your morals because you find that kind of man attractive.

I'm sure I'm not the only one on here judging you

TheInvestigator · 24/02/2019 08:41

*I'm sure I'm not the only one here judging you for being with that man and allowing him anywhere near your friends.

UrsulaPandress · 24/02/2019 08:41

Grim.

And do men actually believe that a half erect penis could ever be in the least bit interesting?

Yabbers · 24/02/2019 08:43

Men over 50 don’t behave like that.

TheInvestigator · 24/02/2019 08:43

Just realised that when he did it, you jointly blamed your friend because you've decided she was flirting so what... She brought it on herself?

And then you left her alone in the room with him... alone with a drink pervert.

He's a disgusting pig, but you're not the only victim. You also know he does this and you happily stayed with him. It screams of just desperate for a man, no matter how disgusting. And you're worth more than that.

Yabbers · 24/02/2019 08:44

I’m also wondering which side the “wrong” side of 50 is?

HeavenlyEyes · 24/02/2019 08:47

Why would you date a 'player'? Find your self esteem please. Hope your friend is okay.

ArgyMargy · 24/02/2019 08:49

You say you're not desperate for a man but you're considering staying in the relationship because you think you'll be "lonely". Have some self respect.

Hellohappiness · 24/02/2019 08:50

The fact he was angling for a threesome and you know it makes it even worse.

YogaWannabe · 24/02/2019 08:55

I guess that says a lot about the other people.

Wow

Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2019 08:57

What he is doing is a sexual offence, and is a crime. If he could be arrested for what he is doing, why are you with him. I hope that this thread is not true.