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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend of 5 years just got his penis out in front of me and my friend

168 replies

cantchange · 24/02/2019 02:04

Right. He had a habit of doing this a while back until I told him it was fucking unacceptable. His old friends laugh about it - he's a bit joker and is used to getting away with murder because he such a flipping character, not to mention a massive player. He says he thinks it's just funny but he must be being disingenuous.

I spelled out a few years ago that this was fucking unacceptable. If for no other reason that it made me feel horrible and disrespected. So he stopped all that crazy shit and has been very loving and attentive for years. I so wanted to believe he had changed. He's changed in so many ways, calmed down, got older basically and realised he likes his life with me.

So my oldest friend came over tonight. We hung out, caught up, drank wine. He came back around 10 a little tipsy from the pub after watching rugby, so far so normal. So my friend and I were dancing around the kitchen, he was reading his phone, facebook, football, etc. Just very low key. I don't know what it was but I sensed my friend and he were being a bit flirty. Next thing he has his semi erect cock out.

I went mad and told him that he knew it was unacceptable. I left the room and told them to get on with it. She left after trying to comfort me, but I said I was fine just obviously pissed off.

He then gets all defensive, says he was just having a laugh, Kept saying sorry, and when I was still pissed off, all the "how many times can I say I'm sorry." Then "I was drunk" and I said so what if I'm not with you and you get drunk - what might happen then?. Tried to explain that it was a sexual thing, it wasn't his foot. He was basically pissed off with me...just that kind of defensive anger.

I thought he'd changed, but now I'm back to thinking I can't trust him. God please tell me how you would react. He said I was overreacting. I just want to make him realise how shit this is. So tell me how you would feel and what you would do. I'm calm but on the verge of thinking I should end it. By the way, we have a wonderful time together, spend loads of time together and laugh every day so it's a really good relationship. I need advice please please.....oh god men

OP posts:
Monty27 · 24/02/2019 06:50

What a complete dick Hmm

LaughingCow99 · 24/02/2019 06:51

Dump him, he's a perve and an idiot. How disrespectful and weird

MsDogLady · 24/02/2019 06:55

Regarding the flirting between your partner and your friend, I would not let that issue fall through the cracks.

Although she did NOTHING to warrant his outrageous harassment, their flirting was highly disrespectful to you. I would see it as a betrayal, and you need to address it with both of them. You know what you saw. Neither of them is devoted to you.

Whereareyouspot · 24/02/2019 06:59

Oh wow I thought you were going to say you were both in early 20s!

I really feel for you OP as when a relationship is otherwise fun and supportive and happy it feels so hard to make a momentous decision over a single event

But the event is a big one.
He has not got appropriate boundaries and the wider picture is that he doesn’t respect you as you have made it very clear how you feel.

To get to your 50s and not know that exposing your semi erect penis to anyone other than consensually in a sexual situation is NotAGoodThing shrieks of someone either very stupid or with some form of fetish.
It sounds a bit like the latter- that he gets a thrill from it (why was he semi erect in your kitchen when you had company??) and this is why he continues to do it.

I do wonder if he has other skeletons in his closet you aren’t aware of? I’d actually be surprised if this penis flashing is all that goes on tbh.

Ending relationships when we feel torn and actually care for the person involved is really hard but deep down you know this is a deal breaker.
How will you ever relax in his company (or even when he is out without you) again knowing that it will happen again? Because it will.

Being alone is better than that anxiety.
And you have the chance to meet a man who isn’t a child or has missing sexual boundaries (or regularly breaks the law of indecent exposure)

You have no choice really OP
You are NOT overreacting

PlanetJam · 24/02/2019 06:59

This is grim OP. Some of dh’s friends used to flash their bums when they were drunk on a night out but they were 18/19yrs. They NEVER EVER would have flashed their dicks. Just completely and utterly bizarre behaviour and the fact that he used to do this a few years ago (presumably in his late 40s) is just creepy.

I also would love to know what you mean when you said ‘it has worked before’.

Any man in his 50s who thinks flashing his semi-hard dick at his partner’s best friend is ok is one you will be well shot of. He is an abuser. He has forced your friend to see his dick. She (and you) didn’t want to but HE wanted you to both see it so he took control and did what HE wanted. He sounds vile.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/02/2019 07:00

Vile and scary for me. I’m going to see the sinister side due to my experience as a teen with my older brother and his friends when they were around. I know the guy wasn’t doing it for the reasons my brother did it to me as his behaviour was to destroy me as a human and as a teenaged girl make me feel like my body was defective.

As for your bf just giving himself permission to do this illustrates he thinks being male he is superior and and just able to do it. His behaviour is so far from normal that I would feel totally violated. And scared.

mathanxiety · 24/02/2019 07:01

When you find yourself explaining the difference between basic civilised behaviour and being a pervert to your partner your relationship is over.

speakout · 24/02/2019 07:02

he such a flipping character, not to mention a massive player.

He sounds a catch.

Ullupullu · 24/02/2019 07:07

Is your mate okay, OP?

I think you are playing this down. It's not normal or acceptable behaviour from him. Tell him it is the last straw and LTB. Anyone who asks why will understand!

HustleRussell · 24/02/2019 07:18

Tell the police, get him arrested and chucked in jail.

That may change his approach to life.

HustleRussell · 24/02/2019 07:18

How does a 50 year old behave like this? What a loser.

JinglingHellsBells · 24/02/2019 07:20

You need to learn about boundaries.

I have the impression you are desperate for a man and can't see the wood for the penis trees when it comes to acceptable behaviour.

You're blurring the boundaries because you are 'over 50' and think you can't find another man.

FGS wake up.

This is indecent exposure.

I thought he was under 20 when you wrote your first post and even then it would be completely unacceptable.

It is vile, perverted behaviour and you ought to see that for what it is.

If not, you need to take a long hard look at yourself and your values.

AlwaysCheddar · 24/02/2019 07:21

The fact he’s that old makes it even more disgusting and gross. I could not bear to be around him. He repulses me and I don’t even know him!

Purplecatshopaholic · 24/02/2019 07:22

My Ex used to flash at my friends. I had no idea until after we split as no one wanted to say anything. I was mortified

ballsdeep · 24/02/2019 07:26

He's got his cock out before and had a threesome from it?
Ergh disgusting. It reminds me of a old man. He exposed his semi to your friend. I'd leave him. He's probably whipping it out all over town

FinallyHere · 24/02/2019 07:26

He said I was overreacting. I just want to make him realise how shit this is.

There is only one reasonable reaction to his behaviour. Get rid of him. He may call it an overreaction but so what? At least you would be rid of it and he would be the one being inconvenienced by the consequences of his stupid behaviour.

Anything else makes his behaviour worth it for him, ugh.

Having read the read of your thread, ugh again, I am ugh, appalled is not to strong a word for it that you are hesitating, wondering whether this is a sackable offence?

Oh dear, OP, your self respect urgently needs strengthening. Please, do dome work on your boundaries and self esteem. If you are still not sure, imagine a life where you are always on edge, wondering at what point he is going to do this. Oh, no, there he goes again. FFS.

lubeybooby · 24/02/2019 07:28

gross. nothing but a dirty flasher, just missing the trenchcoat

TheQueef · 24/02/2019 07:31

What Lubey said.

A common flasher.
Grubby, seedy, pervert who likes to shock with his flaccid penis.

BlackCatSleeping · 24/02/2019 07:34

Yeah, I'm guessing he probably cheats on you a lot.

This is not a good man. Sad

JenniferJareau · 24/02/2019 07:35

Has he been tipsy in the past and not done anything like this?

FrancisCrawford · 24/02/2019 07:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ionlylovemybedandmymama · 24/02/2019 07:37

Everything @MsDogLady said. And yes, he absolutely cheats on you.

I'd kick him out.

MrsBobDylan · 24/02/2019 07:38

Your poor friend! Your partner has indecently exposed himself to her which is an offence.

Yabu to 'sense' her for flirting and then to say you would leave them both to it. She is a victim in all this and must have been horrified, particularly to realise you blame her for his actions.

Hellohappiness · 24/02/2019 07:40

It sounds like he does it so often he doesn’t see anything wrong with it but it is actually shocking.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 24/02/2019 07:40

Nothing helpful to add, just Shock I can't imagine how I'd feel if my DP did this, but shock, embarrassment and anger would be my starters for ten.

So sorry op - you deserve better.

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