My marriage is over because my husband takes half hour shits

[Arewehumanorbones]

Well obviously it's not that simple, but it's symptomatic.
Today I've just had enough.
I do every bloody night with the non sleeping kids. Husband has had beautiful sleep in the spare room since dc1 was born 8 years ago because he "has insomnia so can't cope with disrupted sleep".
Well fuck me, I haven't had a whole nights sleep in 8 years. This week I had 2. Lie insurance (only to 8am, but normally up at 5.30/6 with the toddler), and he's moaning about being ill and tired.
Today he hasthe day off. I've been awake since 4am with the toddler and done all the morning jobs etc. He gets up at 8am, sorts his own breakfast, potters around ignoring the kids, then disappears off for a half hour shit.
Well I'm just the SAHM so I suppose the kids and house are my job, but bollocks to that I've had enough. I've got my own part time job now, have squirrelled away some savings. At least as a single mum I'd get the odd weekend off for visitation. I've not had even a night out in 5 years.... While of course he has had weekends away and nights out with mates.
I'm currently upstairs leaving him to deal with the kids for 5 minutes. The trouble is he gets shouty and scares them which is why I've been reluctant to force the issue, but I'm at breaking point and noone seems to give a shit.

I'm glad you're back OP. Ignore the unsupportive posts, you don't need to justify yourself.

The thing with abusers, is that they will be nice at times, that's how they keep you there, but you need to understand that you'll never have a good relationship, because any relationship with an abuser, no matter the type, or level of abuse, is a bad relationship, and they get worse over time, not better.

We can help you to leave, safely. First off, what is the situation of the house, is it rented, or owned? And whose name is on the deeds/rental agreement?

House is owned, mortgage free. Tenants in common. Although it was mostly my money that paid for it. (Worked my arse off in my 20s and early 30s).
I have savings, and a new job just 2 days a week. Childcare is sorted on those 2 days although I haven't yet sorted out the tax free childcare account (only been in the job a couple of weeks).
DH has a rental property that he could reclaim and move into I suppose.
It's just deciding that ditching the bad bits are worth ditching the good bits. Because right now he's being properly decent.

It's the 'cycle of abuse'
It's not all bad. Otherwise you would be gone.
He's horrible just long enough until you think you're about done, then he dangles the nice carrot. The man he was before his abusive side started showing.
I agree with you OP. You would be better off on your own with every other weekend off.
Keep saving. Keep making those plans.
As MNHQ have mentioned, a call to Womens Aid may help you to see this for what it is.

And as for this:-
"has insomnia so can't cope with disrupted sleep"
Insomnia means you can't sleep. He's making that shit up!
He just doesn't like disrupted sleep. Guess what? None of us do.
But you are doing it night in and night out OP and you need a break.

You say he’s being properly decent right now - bet that doesn’t extend to him giving you a night off though does it?

I'n glad the OP came back too. I had 30 years of this, kept thinking of reasons not to leave, now its too late - I mean yes I can still leave and am planning but my kids are older teenagers, they've seen me put up with this shit it has badly affected them. If your H is punching the walls now, its going to get worse as they get older.

The difference in your situation OP is money and housing. He has somewhere to go, and in court the judge would take that into account. If you go and see a solicitor or get other advice, you don't have to do anything yet, just get the advice - think about it.

Good bits? What good bits?
He's throwing you crumbs to keep you hooked on him and to remain 'in your place'.

Wake up properly OP.
You've had 4 kids to this loser because you chose to believe the illusion instead of accepting the actual reality - that he is NOT a good partner, dad or human being.

You've taken the initial steps to being free of him so keep rolling with that.

OP, please have a read up on the cycle of abuse. They're not always bad but it'll always come back around.

@Arewehumanorbones I know how you feel being a SAHM and having a non-supportive husband. I did it for too long. He thought that because he had a "proper" job everything else was down to me.

Mind you, I breastfed my youngest until he was three and tbf hubby did get up in the night to settle him. When I say "settle" I mean bring him to me so he could get back to sleep ASAP. He had work in the morning, don't you know?! 😧

So glad I left him. It was easier in so many ways being a single mum. No regrets and I now have an incredibly supportive fiance who works with me as a team.

You're seriously unhappy, you'll get a break when he has them every other weekend 🤭 honestly though, fuck that shit, get rid.

PS. We're financially far, far less well-off but having a happy home and free will is IMO far more important.

Bless you, you have a lot to cope with. I have two DC with ASD and other disorders and sleeping is the one thing we got help with quickly when we asked. Before that I was running on empty and now I can get most nights through without disruption - it’s not perfect but every little helps.

Xx

It is scary how close this tag is to me, I have four boys, dh doesn't get up with them, I am sahm so see it all as my job, he sits on the toitedreading watching u tube for half an hour, says good night to them downstairs and I being them up do teeth brushing etc, tell stories... the difference is I've never thought it'd be easier/better without him because I love him, if I'm particularly falling apart he'll man up and he makes me smile and laugh every day and we talk all the time about everything. I suppose that's what you have to consider. Do you love him, would you miss him, can you talk this out or is there any point? OP and the sleep thing does improve

glad you’re back, please look at the links MNHQ have posted for you.x

So pleased you're back OP.
If by being properly decent you mean he has
-Done some.laundry
-got tea started

• played with the younger ones

-booked that gp appointment 're his sleep -filled in those forms for dc dentist/school trip -made you a cup of tea and asked about your day

• arranged and booked a babysitter and restaurant for Saturday night and told you Sunday morning he's taking the kids out so you can sleep in.

If not then he's not being decent at all. Don't let years on the bare minimum distort your view of what is decent.

OP, you sound really together and brave.

"It's just that the default seems to be I am the drudge in charge of kids and home, while he drifts around just looking after him. And I'm not happy with the aggression every time I try to challenge that."

Two things to say about this. Firstly, obviously the practical situation itself is wrong. But the second thing is the real dealbraker: you can't change it because you can't communicate with this man what is wrong, because he is basically refusing to listen and becoming angry when you try to raise it. This is trapping you in a situation that is simply not acceptable!

I think the key question is: can you solve this communication barrier, maybe by working with a trained professional? If not, then the choice is simple: accept being a (rightly) resentful drudge for the rest of your days, or leave.

*dealbreaker

I hope that doesn't sounds sanctimonious OP. It's just I have been in a similar situation and once the scales fell from my eyes, I realised how little I had learnt to settle for.

It's funny these men who have half hour shits and claim that "it just takes that long" - I bet they don't take half an hour out their day at work to poo, andtell their boss that's how long it takes. I work in a school and there wouldn't be enough time to have a half hour shit because there's lessons to teach, yet the men still manage to go regardless. They're skiving off the mundane aspects of family life and it's fucking unfair

Most women believe they love their abusers, it's another reason why it's so hard to leave.

The thing is OP, the good bits do not outweigh the bad bits. Your children seeing him punching the walls, and shouting at them, are being negatively affected by him., and the longer you put up with it, the worse it will be for them.

Regarding housing, you'll probably be awarded a higher percentage in a divorce, as you are the primary carer. The judge may even make an order, that you get to stay in the house, until the youngest is 18, then the house can be sold, and the money split. Or you may get the house completely, as his other property will also be taken into account, as a marital asset. And then there's his pension too.

I think you should go and speak to a solicitor.

OP I'm sorry, didn't rtft, only the original post

I will read up later when I get a chance. Busy with the kids right now.
By properly decent I mean he got me a coffee and played with the smalls for a bit so I could catch up on here! I've also asked if he could do tea and he wasn't averse (meal planned already and just pasta and tomato sauce so nothing difficult).

Most people who know him think he's one of the decent ones incidentally.....

Most people thought my ex was decent too - they didn't have to live with him and put up with his strops and his flouces and his refusal to help around the house.

Other people's views don't matter on this - only yours. I'm glad your OP has stepped up, but I think this does need to be addressed permanently. You shouldn't have to nag or have an argument to get basic help and support.

It's funny these men who have half hour shits and claim that "it just takes that long"

I had a friend whose wife upped and left him, moved quite a long way away to be close to her family. He told me with tears in his eyes about how he used to go into the bathroom with a book and spend hours in there, to get out of spending time with the family. By the time he told me that he was travelling for three hours after work every friday, desperate to spend saturday with his children. I cynically thought (but didn't say) that if she hadn't left he'd still be hiding in the loo. 😠