DH not attracted to me since I've gained weight

[ginandsonicboom]

DH and I have been together for 11 years; married for 4. Have 2 DC, 6 and 7.

We're having problems in our marriage. Today he told me he's stopped wanting sex with me partly because of my weight. I've put on loads of weight since having DC, so 5-6 stone in the last 8 years.

I feel like I can't get over this, I feel shit enough about myself as it is, but now feel disgusted with myself. Yet at the same time, I feel angry that he's being so shit, and feel I deserve more respect. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage.

That's very hard to hear OP...that he's not attracted to you. But you must understand that 5-6 stones on top of what you were has surely pushed you into the obese range. Have you seen your doctor about the weight issue?
It's a lot...you will need help to lose it. The first thing you need to do is to completely forget about your DH...and his feelings about your weight.
You must lose it for you...and for your children.

I have to be honest. I love my DH. But I would not be attracted to him if he gained 6 stone and I would not want to be intimate.

How bad are the other issues?
Could it help to put the whole family on a late resolution and all try to eat healthier and get more active?

OP I've been where you are and it stings. It hurts so bad to be rejected in this way.

My ex dangled the 'you've let yourself go' when our second child was 1. I was maternity leave and living in a building site.

He shot down all communication about it, which unfortunately made it worse. I didn't cope well at all. He later revised his position to 'i resented you for getting me in this situation, (a parent, married etc)

He was heavily overweight himself and I believed in no position to judge. I now understand that he was free to feel what he felt whether he was obese or not.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that there's no harm in losing weight, for you. If it helps regain attraction then great. If not, you will be stronger and healthier, and I believe more able, to handle what may come your way.

Maybe I'm coming across as a too matter of fact, I don't want you to feel bad though. Just to say, be strong for you and your kids. Be well for you.

I didn't and it hasn't been at all easy to get back to me. I'm almost there, he's no longer my partner (not sure he ever was tbh)

Yes you'll be feeling angry, hurt and probably embarrassed, I was too. Those feelings are normal. Try your best to not get angry though, because that's when the emotions cloud judgment, feelings get buried and healthy self-determination falls by the wayside.

I feel for you x

I am sorry that you have been hurt. Almost all of us are sensitive about our looks and our figures. Excessive weight gain is a modern scourge that many people experience and struggle with. It’s not something to be ashamed of. A lot of the negative feelings are derived from social pressures rather than our own psyche. Beauty is not about size, even if we are fed this image all the time.

I imagine you having one of those conversations where you open up and talk about your relationship. Lots of affirmation of your feelings interspersed with some blunt and hurtful truths. Unfortunately all we hear and take away are those comments. I expect he heard some things he didn’t want to hear too. I also expect if you feedback your respective takes on the talk the other would be shocked at the negativity.

If you feel this is salvageable, then get some proper counselling so your problems can be identified and dealt with in safer and less hurtful way.

Also please remember sexual attraction isn’t about love and it often isn’t even about aesthetics. His issues won’t just be about you, his love for you or even be about your weight. He is probably stretching for an explanation for a loss of libido.

Sorry for the essay!!!

Op if you are happy with the way you look then you should leave him, no one should force you to change. That being said no one can force him to love you either if you’ve become a different person

Download Myfitnesspal app.. count calories. Calculate your TDEE. 1200-1500 a day should have you losing steadily

Find exercise you love... dancing.. couch25k... whatever... and slowly build it up

Consider counselling/psychotherapy to address why you overate and did this to yourself

Be kind to yourself- and get healthy.

His comments are an external confirmation of how you already feel about yourself. Getting defensive will not change things, nor will pretending that your weight isn’t an issue for both of you.

If you want to move forwards, you have to be willing to acknowledge the present.

He is being honest that your drastic weight change is not attractive to him. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. You can change your weight if you want to

You've obviously opened up to each other, but you didn't say if the problem in your marriage is only sex. Because reduced sex is usually a symptom of other marriage problems and not the cause. That would also match with excessive weight gain. General unhappiness and eating to fill the gap. But maybe it all stems from being overweight. Only you know. One thing is for sure, getting your weight under control needs to be higher on your priority list now because you are feeling clearly very long about your weight and being that overweight makes most people pretty miserable.

In all honesty, I wouldn't fund my partner attractive if hebpiled on 5 to 6 stone. I would still love him, but the spark would be gone.

It's not disrespectful to not fancy your partner when they have gained a lot of weight.

That said, if that's not acceptable to you and you feel it's disrespect, you don't have to stay with him. You will only sort the weight issue, if you want to. If you are Happy at your weight, then that's fine too.

But you can't make him fancy you.

The other thing to consider is, did you suspect this, are you unhappy with your weight and him saying it is just verbalising your feelings, which is why it's so difficult to hear?

I know my partner. He isn't attracted to very slim women, he isn't attracted to very heavy women. The celebrities he fancies eland his exs are always the ones around 12-16. I am a 16. I put weight on over the last year. While our sex life was still good, I knew I wasn't happy with myself and knew eventually he would stop fancying me. Just the same as I would find it unattractive if he piled weight on.

I told him in January I wasn't happy and was doing something about it, he has been really supportive and I have lost nearly 2 stone. I tackled it before it became a big issue for me or him. So we didn't have that conversation.

If I continued to lose weight until I am a size 8, I know dp wouldn't find that attractive either.

After my long ramble, I am sorry you are hurting though

In an ideal world we all want someone who will love and fancy us regardless. The reality is, that that is rare. Unless our partner is someone who fancies much bigger people as well as a healthy weight.

I just don't understand this. However, I used to feel like your DH when I was in my 20's extremely vain and shallow. .

Anyhoo, I did but on weight at one time and so did he. Not once did he not find me beautiful or want to have sex with me or shower with me compliments. That is true love.

Your husband sounds quite immature actually. He should love you for who you are, not what you look like. And, tbh, I've had some of the best most mind blowing sex when I wasn't a US size 4 or 6.

Obviously, you're going to get different opinions, but I have I have never felt as safe and secure and accepted as I do with my husband. When I met him I was 110 pounds, I'm about 30 pounds over that before I was much more. However, he makes me feel sexier than ever. And, the sex is deeper, dirtier and safer than I have ever experienced, He says the same thing. We might not have it as often as I did in my 20's but the quality is better.

Do better.

You have it in you.

Find the courage.

It's been inside you all along.

There are better men out there, believe me.

Just decide to do it.

Life doesn't always have to be this way.

Please remember that

For you, some

I would stop finding DH attractive if he put on that much weight.

I think he's just said out loud what you already know to be true - you need to lose weight.

Ignore the PP who says ditch him, he 'should' love you for who you are. That may be, but he can't fight nature and being (I assume) grossly overweight wouldn't make you physically attractive to most men whether you like it or not.

For the sake of your children I would try to lose the weight, and then see how you feel about your marriage.

Try walking then build up to running once you feel more confident. Nearly anyone can do it and it is the best thing for mental health I know.

MissLanesAmericanCousin it's great your relationship is still good. But putting on 30lbs, is very different to 6 stone. 6 stone is 84lb

You still only weigh 10 stone. It's a to tall different situation. I would fancy dh if he put 2 stone on as he is quite slim (which I am getting you were) but 6 stone is different.

It's also really shitty to say that unless tour partner fancies you at any size it's not true love.

It's not disrespectful to not fancy your partner when they have gained a lot of weight.

I agree with this statement. As hurtful as it is, 5 to 6 stones is a lot of weight to put on and I think you know this. I say this as someone a few stones overweight myself. You have probably been privately concerned about it yourself but it is very hurtful when your private feelings have been confirmed by someone you love.

It is not 'vain' or 'shallow' not to fancy someone who has gained such a lot of weight. However you can either let this fester or do something about it. Do you know what led to you putting on this weight? Comfort eating for example?

Thanks so much for all your responses.

I agree, I absolutely need to lose weight. I find myself disgusting. I have no self esteem due to my weight. I've tried everything though. Running- pre children I used to run half marathons and 10ks in good times. I swam competitively at a good level. I've tried WW, SW, MFP, etc etc. Pre children I was always able to maintain a healthy weight, and lose weight if I needed to. But I can't do that anymore. The only thing that has helped recently was the Blood Sugar Diet, I lost 2 stone very quickly, but then ended up in hospital with a serious illness and 6 months recovery at home and couldn't get back to it. I just can't seem to find the motivation. I would consider weight loss surgery like a shot, but really can't afford it, and am not eligible on the NHS.

There are many, many other problems in our marriage. I work full time in a very stressful job and have two young children with additional needs. I'm constantly exhausted and have no time for myself. Not sure we're going to stay together. But I do love him, and he says he loves me too

You are dealing with a lot.

To be fair, with all this going on your health (not what you look like) needs to be a priority.

Life sounds really busy. I am not meaning to be brutal so please take it in the spirit I mean it in. I have a child with special needs, work full time am the main earner. I am also currently losing weigh. So I get it to some degree. But there is no way you don't have enough time, to eat less food or smaller portions.

Just cutting out one snack and having a smaller portions of your food are to easy things you can do to start losing weight. When it starts coming off, that might motivate you.

That said if it's simply not your priority, that's fine too. Only you can decide what you want to do next.

TeneseeWhisky well said !
I'vegotthree is talking complete nonsense and has absolutely no understanding of the complex issues of obesity!
110Lbs to 140 is 7 stone ish to ten stone. Ginandsonicboom has put ON 5-6 stone !

I know how this feels. My DH didn't want sex with me either. I put on 6 stone (steroids and other medications) . He didn't fancy me. (Hell- I didn't fancy me !!!)

Sexual ATTRACTION , the clue is in the title. The people involved need to be attractive to the other. Morbid obesity is not attractive to most people. He didn't fancy me but he always loved me. That's how we got through it.
After 4 yrs of trying and failing every diet going - and looking at the statistical chances of someone over 45 losing 5 stone (AND maintain it) were 1:754

I went to my GP and asked for a referral to Bariatric services. It took a year but had a Gastric Sleeve in September and have lost 4 stone 4 . Not only do I have my sex life back - much more importantly, I have my self esteem back. It's changed my life so much for the better. DH was really against it, felt like he was to blame. If only he could fancy me then I wouldn't put myself through surgery... but it wasn't about him. It was about so much more. Health, easy movement, off blood pressure pills , no longer pre diabetic. No longer turn down social invitations embarrassed at being 'the fat women ' just happy.
Whatever way you do it OP , please do it. Do it for you. !

Are you sure you are not eligible. ? The criteria are : BMI over 35 and a obesity related health issue . ( I had chronic arthritis in my knees and during the process diagnosed with sleep apnoea which is REALLY common in overweight people ) other standard conditions are diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure etc. OR a BMI over 40,
If you have put on 5-6 stone yourBMI must be over 40.

@Tennessewhisky, you're right, the great majority of weight loss is down to diet. But the problem is your brain and body gets used to a certain level of food, even if that's too much, and trying to eat less than that will cause them to resist. Excessive hunger and preoccupation with food will result.

Metabolic level would play a part too - but it is too easy to put all the blame on a slow metabolism. A first step would be to write down everything you eat and drink during each day, and you might be surprised just how much you eating without realizing it. But fundamentally, we have evolved to put on or retain weight, not lose it. Losing weight is just very, very hard.

My husband asked me if i could lose weight a few years ago (id put on 2 stone) i was mortified, i never tried to lose any until i felt ready to for myself, i was still in the normal bmi range and for me eventhough id gained weight it didnt cause me any problems just obviously did for my dh. I still resent those words to this day, if you lose weight please do it for yourself, for your own health and wellbeing.

Scott72 I knowing not easy. As above, I am currently trying to get back to a size 12. A child with special needs and a divorce from an abusive arsehole, left me (like the op) with no time or interest in looking after myself.

Writing everything down, I just didn't have the energy for. That why I am suggesting just cutting a small amount our. If OP genuinely doesn't have time for herself, that's the easier thing to do for now and losing a but may give her the motivation she needs.

It's not easy, but at the end of the day only one person can change it. Op isn't happy, but is limited on time. There are changes she can make for now. IF she wants to.

OP,you can do it! You need to eat at a calorie deficit consistently toll you are healthy again. It's not rocket science.. it's easy once you properly track calories and really decide to be disciplined. Obesity is linked with not only diabetes but increased risk of cancer, early onset dementia, etc etc- you need to address it and stop self harming with food.

www.myfitnesspal.com - free calorie tracker

tdeecalculator.net - learn yoir calorie goal. Set your fitness level to sedentary when calculating. Your tdee - 500 will see you gently lose 1 pound a week.

www.reddit.com/r/loseit/ - weight loss forum, very supportive

Some gentle exercise will help your mental health.
E.g. m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ci3na6ThUJc&t=265s - Yoga with A friend
1 Mile Happy Walk with Leslie Sansone - m.youtube.com/watch?v=njeZ29umqVE

Your husband is just being honest but it's less of an issue than your health and longevity tbh . You deserve to be healthy and fit. So take steps and do it!

@ginandsonicboom you have no self esteem because you are made to feel like you are not sexy.

I was a size 16 when I met my gorgeous dp I am now a size 20 and he still can not keep his hands off me. It is what rational people call unconditional love.

You are going to end up being like my mom, she was a model in her 20's, so you can imagine her disappointment with having a fat daughter. Anyway she gained weight in her late 30's and was depressed about it till the day she died, she was on every diet you could throw at her.

You need to do what makes you happy not other people. I refuse to apologise for my weight and feel confident and know I look good for a fat bird.

I was a size 16 when I met my gorgeous dp I am now a size 20 and he still can not keep his hands off me. It is what rational people call unconditional love.

I love my husband unconditionally but my sexual attraction to him is conditional.
Subsequently if our sex life was ruined then our relationship would seriously suffer. That does not make him a bad man.