DH not attracted to me since I've gained weight

[ginandsonicboom]

DH and I have been together for 11 years; married for 4. Have 2 DC, 6 and 7.

We're having problems in our marriage. Today he told me he's stopped wanting sex with me partly because of my weight. I've put on loads of weight since having DC, so 5-6 stone in the last 8 years.

I feel like I can't get over this, I feel shit enough about myself as it is, but now feel disgusted with myself. Yet at the same time, I feel angry that he's being so shit, and feel I deserve more respect. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage.

He sounds awful
Really awful
I can’t really understand why you would want to be with someone like this.
Have you ever looked up co-dependence

Hi op , firstly I think you have been really brave posting this. It can't have been easy.

I too am overweight but carry it very well. I do not look what I weigh but now I've had enough as it's really affecting my health. I have fibromyalgia and am in a lot of pain in my back and legs and my doctor has said that if I lose weight then the impact will be huge.
I have never ever been unable to attract men, I make the best of myself and have a lot of confidence which helps. My relationship however is shit. I have given up shaving my legs too and we have zero sex life. This is not something new, dp has never had much of a sex drive but I think I'm approaching menopause ( am 41 ) and mine has gone through the roof. He is not interested and we sleep separately.

Your post has struck a chord with me for several reasons.
One is the lack of sex life ( my weight hasn't changed in the 11 years we have been together ) and the other is that I wanted to tell you about my ds who is almost 16.
He has always been a big lad and one year ago he decided to start SW. His weight loss currently stands at 5st 7lbs in 12 months and he looks like a different person.
It's laughable that I have been buying his food and cooking his food and am still the same weight as I was 12 months ago but I haven't been doing the plan which is just bloody stupid.
I'm up for a diet buddy if you fancy it?
Whatever diet you decide to follow it doesn't matter, would be nice to have someone to talk to about it because it's not going to be easy. Good luck xx

Handprints he does work part time, and does cook the evening meal most nights.

Zoflorabore wow, you must be so proud of DS, what an absolute legend. Yep, I would LOVE to be your diet buddy, let's do it.

Someone asked why I'm with him and questioned co-dependency. I think the issue is I've always had very low self esteem. When I met him I'd just come out of a long term relationship, he pursued me, I wasn't attracted to him much, but he grew on me and we fell in love. I'm well known amongst my family and friends for being "soft hearted" and a bit of a people pleaser. I was flattered that he found me attractive. I really don't want to hurt him, and I do still love him unfortunately.

Has anyone ever left anyone they still love? It would be a lot easier if I hated him.

Im confused, are these previous issues then?

DH out of work for 6 months but making no effort to find a job or do anything around the house,

Is it really love. That’s why I said have you looked up co-dependency because sometimes that can be confused for love.
Love should be kind, caring and mutual.

This doesn’t sound very much like that

Why can't you do your own meals?

I suppose she could but with working full time while he works part time, having no time to herself while he has more than a whole day, looking after DC with SEN full time while he doesn't... you'd think he could cook meals for her as he wants her to lose weight.

I have a feeling that what he actually wants is her to have low self esteem so she doesn't leave him but actually doesn't care if she's healthy or not. Just like the friend I mentioned earlier. He tells her to lose weight then sabotages her efforts.

@ginandsonicboom do you actually love him or are you just beaten down, tired, worried about being lonely, convinced no one else will love you and co-dependent? I was like that with exH. Such a relief when I got rid.

My husband an I have gained 3 stone each in the last 12 years, some of mine was menopause related and it feels much more difficult to lose weight now but basically we both just over ate, all the time. Thank fully we still fancy each other, I personally don't really notice the extra weight on him BUT we are now doing something about it for health reasons more than how we look (and I'm sick of struggling to put socks and shoes on

Good luck on losing the weight for yourself OP, I would have agreed that your DH was only trying to help but since your update it seems he doesn't help in any other area so I think he is just being insensitive.

Handprint. sorry, yes that was confusing, I just re read my post. Yes, he was out of work for 6 months previously, but has recently started working again.

He sounds awful - his own issues have been a significant source of stress in your relationship, and he wants you to lose 6stone, but he's not willing to make time for you to run or swim, or cook healthy meals to support you, or attend counselling to try and sort things out? What do you want or need in order to make some positive changes? I suspect if you had the equivalent in time/money that he spends on booze and hobbies you could be feeling much more motivated.
I don't know if this would be a spur to you or not but I just did a healthcheck blood test from Thriva. It's about £70 on their offer to do a comprehensive test including thyroid, diabetes risk, vit D, liver health, omega fats, chesterol etc etc. It's prompted me to make some diet changes.
Whatever you do, do it for your own health and happiness.

No no no no no! So many awful 'just lose weight and it will all be better' responses on this thread!

There's an underlying thing that is deeply wrong here. It's that he's asking for a cosmetic change in how you look, but not talking about how your weight might be related to how you feel, or whether you're happy.

If your life is stressful and hard and the weight is a symptom of that, losing a bit is not going to solve much at all.

The right thing for him to say would be 'I know you've struggled with eating issues and confidence, I love you and want you to be happy and I'm worried this is a sign you're unhappy or not coping with something - how can we work on it together?'

Just saying he doesn't find you attractive anymore is adding another problem when he should be helping to reduce problems.

I would still love DH if he put on 6 stone, and I'd still want to shag him. But I'd be worried about the reasons why he'd put on the weight and whether he needed more support to be living a happy, healthy life.

So glad you have made an appointment to discuss NHS weight loss surgery . The huge advantage about the NHS pathway is the massive amount of practical, dietary and psychological preparation provided on the Tier 3 pathway . (You have to do this for at least 6-12 months before the Op) followed by the 2 yrs follow up.

You will have opportunity to explore you reasons for weight gain, and develop mechanisms not to slip back into the same patterns a few years down the line. The support is amazing . You need to be doing this for you though. !
To all those banging on about 5-6 stone being 'sexy' - each to their own. But there seems to be a deliberate inability to understand that there is nothing sexy about diabetes, premature arthritis, heart disease, clinical depression , hypertension and early death !
The NHS provide a pathway to help with this health condition because research has shown irrefutable evidence that once a bmi of 35 is reached your chances of losing weight AND KEEPING IT OFF for five years is so ridiculously small... (I'll look the stats up in a minute) that this is the most efficient long term sustainable method for regaining your health.
It's the best thing I could ever have done to help myself.

Good luck at the Gp Ginandsonicboom. If for any reason s/he doesn't refer you please PM me and I will help you navigate through the system !

Stats on weight loss and regain. Kings College London. 2016.

Simple obesity (BMI 35+) 1 woman in 124 will successfully diet back to a healthy BMI (25).

For men it's 1:210

For those with severe obesity (BMI 40) its
Women 1:677
Men 1:1290

Of those '1s' 78% will put it all back on and more within 5 yrs.

That is the reality that fuels the diet industry. Non stop repeat business.

With the exception of Divorce OP - that's an immediate weight loss with guaranteed no regain .

You sound really lovely OP

Sending masses of support X

Houston, no one has said that.

OP needs to lose the weight so she can enjoy life better and not acquire certain preventable conditions as she ages.

No one is saying she should do it for her husband AFAIK

No no no no no! So many awful 'just lose weight and it will all be better' responses on this thread!

Not one person has said that. In fact everyone has said she needs to lose for herself....IF she wants to and that it will be better for her health.

I think you know deep down that he is part of the problem - not the main cause perhaps, if you've had a lifelong eating disorder - but he's really not helping at this point.

I also find it really interesting that it was just after you'd decided together to make things work that he came out with this comment - almost like he is subconsciously sabotaging what he's just agreed to, or getting cold feet and backing out by being searingly honest and admitting he doesn't fancy you. Nice timing...!

Normally I'd be all 'just lose weight, it's healthier blah blah' but something about this situation doesn't sit right with me, I think you might be happier without him actually and then from that starting point, you'd be better placed to work on your issues around food and get healthier. It's a lot easier to do that sort of stuff without carrying someone else who isn't pulling their weight (no pun intended) around the house, that sort of setup just drags you down. I think you know this, really.

I agree. If you’re not with him you’ll be much more likely to lose the weight and feel happier

Patchwork.............fair points but there is nothing sexy about cirrhosis of the liver either.

For those with severe obesity (BMI 40) its
Women 1:677
Men 1:1290

These are some scary stats and makes weight loss seem impossible. Makes me wonder whether far more needs to be done on prevention.

Sorry OP I know that was a bit off-topic, but I do think there is value in self-care, making yourself feel good and finding ways to make your current self look great. It could go a ways in steering you toward a healthier lifestyle...

Really scary stats, yes.

Rhubarb yes I agree with you. And to a PP asking if my reluctance to leave is about worrying about being on my own or the fear that I will never find love again, that's most certainly not it! I would love to be on my own with the DC. I crave it. Yes, I will be lonely sometimes, but I don't want to have another relationship, I want to focus entirely on the DC, because they are amazing. And they are becoming increasingly wary of DH who shouts at them more and more.

I do think if we are going to separate, the sooner the better. Firstly, the DC are only 6 and 7, and I think they would see it as a big adventure now, moving house, getting a new bedroom. Not seeing Daddy as much wouldn't worry them too much I don't think. And I'm hoping they'd be too young to go through the "this is happening because I'm too naughty" thing that I went through when my parents separated when I was 12. And secondly, if we don't drag it out, it can hopefully be more amicable, and we can remain friends, which will be SO important for the DC.

The only things stopping me making the decision now are practical reasons ( we need to do work on the house before we put it on the market) and the massive fear of upsetting people. I find it really hard when I cause upset, and this is going to cause a shitload of that

On a more positive note, re the self care thing, I have downloaded an app called Fabulous to help me with this. It's a bit cheesy, but sets goals, starting small. Today's is just drinking water. Since yesterday I have also shaved my legs, trimmed my bush right back, de-fuzzed my face and moisturised. For me, not him. There is NO WAY ON EARTH I could face having sex with him currently, it would just make me feel like shit.

Thanks for all your support, it's much appreciated.

Bloody hellthso thread went from being cross that a DH doesn’t fancy a woman anymore because she has gained massive amounts of weight (which is fair enough imho) to making plan seem to LtB

MN at its finest

Ooh, thanks for the Fabulous app suggestion, OP. I need this!

MN at its finest

I know you are being snarky Spot but I like it that MN tells women not to put up with their partners being shit to them.

She wouldn't have got that advice if he was a nice person who did his fair share and supported her efforts to lose weight.

MN at its finest

It really is.

OP I hope you feel better every day. And you do more and more to feel good and get healthier. For you, to be around for your kids, and to feel great.

When I started running I was really unfit. One day, a few weeks after I started, DD wanted me to chase her. I did for ages, and realized I couldn't have before. It was an amazing feeing. That will be you.

Sorry OP, I haven't had time to read the whole thread but I just wanted to share a bit of my experience. I put on 5 stone over the course of 7 years as I became more and more unhappy with how my controlling XH was treating me. I didn't associate the two at the time, I thought i loved him and I blamed and despised myself for failing diets etc etc. Since I finally dumped his ass (a straw broke the camel's back) the weight has melted away without effort, though slowly. I now think that I was donning a fatsuit as an unconscious barrier between me and him - I subconsciously knew he would hate it and that I would drive him away, so he would leave me alone. Under that fatsuit the real me was buried, not feeling anything, just plugging away at getting the children grown and flown. And now he has gone, the children are fine and the fatsuit has gone - my word, what a happy bunny has emerged!

You sound lovely and I'm sure you will work this out.