DH not attracted to me since I've gained weight

[ginandsonicboom]

DH and I have been together for 11 years; married for 4. Have 2 DC, 6 and 7.

We're having problems in our marriage. Today he told me he's stopped wanting sex with me partly because of my weight. I've put on loads of weight since having DC, so 5-6 stone in the last 8 years.

I feel like I can't get over this, I feel shit enough about myself as it is, but now feel disgusted with myself. Yet at the same time, I feel angry that he's being so shit, and feel I deserve more respect. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage.

Oh OP, be quick to fire back at him, you can lose your weight but he will always remain ugly inside and out, and that in itself is a turn off for you.

I hate men like this. You are worth so much more. Tell him to fuck right off

If my partner put on that amount of weight I would not fancy him.

If I put on that amount of weight, I would also be deeply unhappy. For clarity I put on 2 stone over the years and it made me feel awful. I have since lost the weight but it took two years. However I feel so much better in myself. It was very hard to do though.

So he struggles with alcohol and you struggle with food? But you should change for him...

Tell him you've decided to join a running club, 6 hours every week and 3 on Saturday and he'll need to have the children. You'll also need long baths after those runs. Etc. And see if he's willing to actually support you. Otherwise I'd reconsider staying with him.

I used to run with a lovely woman who was bigger. Her H moaned about it but when she took up running with me, he'd call, text, be late to get the kids, have crises when alone... mine would kiss me and spend me on my way. Because it wasn't about the weight, it was about control.

My friend doesn't run any more BTW. I still do.

Mrs Terry Pratchett, interesting you should say that about control......

He works part time, and has a hobby that means he's out every Saturday, all day. He complained last week that he never gets any time to himself . So no, he would NOT support me doing anything that meant it had an impact on him. He would do EXACTLY what your friends husband did.

I tried Slimming World a few years back. But he didn't like it. To be fair, he does all the cooking, but refused to do SW friendly meals. I had to give it up, he wouldn't support me.

Oh god, now I'm typing this, it's becoming clear to me that he's a complete control freak .

That's horrible, OP. A loving spouse would do anything to help their overweight partner get healthy again.

if you do join myfitnesspal (calorie tracker) you will find a ton of weight loss friends and support. There are some great threads here on mumsnet too under the weight loss topic.

Do this for you and your kids. x

Yup, you need to leave

The only dangerous thing about being single in a case like this is that you might be so happy you eat more!
Seriously, why not try at least a separation and see how it goes. If you think there's an ounce of a chance of being together, maybe not living together will bring him to his senses?

Right, while I am totally accepting that if you don't fancy your partner when they put on a lot of weight, that's not wrong.

Ok you need to sort your weight for you. But why are you with him and why do you care if he fancies you. Do you actually fancy him?

Even if he refuses to do slimming world meals, let be honest, you didnt put 6 stone because of this.

Take responsibility not just eating but for your happiness. Leave him.

What downsides are there is leaving?

A pp says that happiness might make you eat more, but it might do the opposite. Not having to deal with his shit and doing your own meals etc you will probably find that you don't need to eat crap to make yourself feel better

There's a mulitude of issues here. RE weight gain, any kind of major weight gain or loss can lead to a lack of sexual attraction by a partner that loved the 'old you'. I had it the other way around myself.

However it's also a convenient deflect ftom his problems, the things he could and should be wotking on. (But choses not to).

He has no motivation for employment, could be depression or lazy sod-i-tus. Suspecting at least part of the latter given everything else.
You are in debt which he doesn't help but makes worse
He has a drinking issue
Im guessing he does little with the house and kids since you are picking that up a lot?
He has no inclinations for family time, just him time.

He sounds pretty selfish. Unless he is willing to hear (and i would be equally honest to him) your opinion on this and do something about them then i would seriously consider how things would change if you left him as you seem to be.

Your weight makes him feel unattractive to you. How sexually attracted are you to a lazy selfish drink issue person?

Cross post, it gets worse. Yes consider if losing the X amount of kg he is would be the better weight to focus on losing first.

you're working full-time, looking after children, one with special needs, no time to yourself, doing all the housework, dealing with your own physical and mental health AND your DH's possible alcohol addiction - and he thinks you're not making enough effort?

I know how you can lose 10st instantly. Get rid of him. What a self-centred wanker.

So he’s complaining about you not “making the effort” to remove your pubic hair while he can’t be arsed to get a job or be a parent?

Fuck that. Get out of there. Cheeky fucker.

In terms of your health, have they checked your thyroid, vitamin levels etc? Are you on HRT?

Fuerza - well said.

OP you know you need to lose weight. I am in the same position as you weight wise - several stone overweight. Difference is, my husband loves me, supports me, worries about me, fancies me etc. I think he would love me to lose weight because he knows how much I hate being so overweight. He would never make my needing to lose weight about HIM.

Your dh’s hobby which requires him to be out of the house one day per weekend... words fail me. So you work full time to support both of you and your kids and at the weekend you are on solo parenting duty so he can have more ‘me time’. Why can’t he do his hobby whilst the kids are at school? If it is a sport thing where he requires other people - well tough shit!

Honestly he is taking the piss. With the life you are leading it’s no wonder you have turned to food for comfort and support, you aren’t getting it elsewhere.

Best of luck to you with losing weight, it’s a miserable old process but you’ll feel better for it. Your dh, well hopefully this thread has opened your eyes a bit. How exactly is your life better for having your dh in it?

Take care OP.

I think your weight is a symptom of your difficult life and unhappy marriage and not the other way round. I don't say LTB would make the weight drop off, you have got into unhealthy eating patterns and taken to comfort eating which is a pattern that can be hard to break . Even if you had less problems you may still have a hard day and turn to food, and you may feel drawn to your favourite unhealthy foods even if dh is not influencing your food choices as that is what you have got used to.
But it will be hard to lose the weight without making some changes to your life and marriage and he is the biggest part of that. I wonder if he is not really interested in sex due to his own health and drinking, so it doesn't really matter to him if you are unattractive but he does get satisfaction from putting you down and enjoys feeling that he is better than you. This may be why he is sabotaging your efforts to diet. I'm not saying he does it all consciously, but would you say he is competitive and enjoys being better than you and others. This is one area in which you struggle and he is easily better than you so he can't help enjoying that fact. Its actually a well known thing for people to sabotage your diet and 'feed' you whilst simultaneously putting you down for being overweight, more often a mum or friend who might feel competitive over looks, but it could easily happen with a dh. If you think I am right you can see how it is a very damaging way to behave towards you.

@ginandsonic...low carb is your friend!! I've been where you are weightwise (although less to lose) and nothing worked until Atkins. Exercise will not cause weight loss at this stage - you would need to be doing intense cardio for about 2 hours a day to lose significant weight. And you can still have fun with slim line tonic!

@2019willbegreat you @ me instead of the op. Using @ generates an email to the person tagged.

@2019willbegreat .low carb is your friend!! I've been where you are weightwise (although less to lose) and nothing worked until Atkins

Exactly the same as me. What really helped me was that my dh did it with me, even though he didn't need to lose any weight.

We threw out all carb's cleared the cupboard and freezer of anything naughty. Still on a low carb/no sugar diet, 2 years later. So easy compared to counting calories etc, you just need to get into the routine and then it's a piece of piss easy. I don't really do much exercise cos I'm lazy but I do go on the treadmill at least 3 x a week.

It must be hard to hear but he can't help not finding you attractive with a 6 stone weight gain.

I'm female and when I got with my girlfriend she was about a size 16. I like curvy ladies. But over our relationship we both gained weight. She ended up a size 22 and almost 19st

I just didn't fancy her anymore.

And I had always lived bigger girls but turns out my attraction had a limit.

I was embarrassed by my shallowness TBH. But it wasn't something I could control.

The intimacy stopped. We drifted apert and she's now my ex.

It wasn't just the weight. It was the lack of confidence we both developed with the weight.

The flirty, playful lady I fell in love with turned into an embarrassed, self conscious woman and so did I.

I'm now working on losing weight and getting my own confidence back.

Hi, I am over weight and have struggled for many many years with it. I have had a failed gastric band, eating disorders, been on ww, sw, keto, lighter life, exercised mental, cardio bunny....blah blah blah everything. Nothing worked! So for the last few months I have been looking at my relationship with food! The emotional crutch, the I deserve this wine/cake/cheese etc mentality. Binge eating disorder/food addiction and everything else I can think of the harsh reality for me I think is that I don't like food, I don't enjoy quite a few things, this has been quite eye opening! Before you start any major plan maybe taking some time to reflect on how you eat, what you eat and why you eat that way might be helpful? In addition to this I have reinvested in a plan you will find on Facebook called RH Fitness. They are no bullshit! They set your calories and give you gym (weights) workouts to follow via an app. The over all aim is to lose 1lb of fat a week (not weight fat). They have had some cracking results. It is hard work weighing/measuring and using my fitness pal but it is great. I currently weigh 214lbs and so am on 2200 calories a day and have steadily lost weight. I can not recommend it highly enough. I urge you to go and look at it xx

I had to give it up, he wouldn't support me.

Why can't you do your own meals? I have a few friends that do SW. They make separate meals to their partner and it works out fine. If I was dieting I wouldn't expect a partner to eat what I eat. We are adults.

God OP. Ditch the lazy pisshead. If you're financially better off without him, and not trying to placate him, you may find that the weight starts to come off naturally as you're not so bloody miserable. Clearly as he won't support your efforts, in a perverse way he's happy with you overweight. (Probably because the alcohol has destroyed his libido anyway so this gives him a reason that it's your fault not his). I wouldn't be having bikini waxes etc for a man like this.

Sounds like you need to lose a bigger weight in your husband tbh. What does he even bring to your life?

Thanks all, I'm a bit busy now to reply at length, but will later when I have more time.

Just wanted to clarify re the Slimming World thing, I'm not blaming his lack of support with that for me putting in 5stone. I was just using that as an example of the control thing; he will support me (up to a point) if it's something HE approves of.

I wasn't expecting him to make my meals for me. It's just that I don't get home from work until 7pm ish so needed to batch cook at weekends really, but time is v limited. Not impossible, admittedly. And he would actively discourage me, and I guess I used it as an excuse to give up. If you look at the whole picture instead of one issue in isolation, I was struggling, exhausted, time poor, desperate, unhappy and it was just easier to give in.

I still think SW would not suit my current lifestyle BUT there are plenty of other options that do. Such as not putting so much in my mouth, as a previous poster said

If he's at home all day, not working then shouldn't he be pulling his weight more round the house? Cooking dinners for everyone?