DH not attracted to me since I've gained weight

[ginandsonicboom]

DH and I have been together for 11 years; married for 4. Have 2 DC, 6 and 7.

We're having problems in our marriage. Today he told me he's stopped wanting sex with me partly because of my weight. I've put on loads of weight since having DC, so 5-6 stone in the last 8 years.

I feel like I can't get over this, I feel shit enough about myself as it is, but now feel disgusted with myself. Yet at the same time, I feel angry that he's being so shit, and feel I deserve more respect. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage.

Agreed, contraception. Most people are biologically attracted to healthy bodies and there is not much we can do to change that.

I was a size 16 when I met my gorgeous dp I am now a size 20 and he still can not keep his hands off me. It is what rational people call unconditional love.

I love my husband unconditionally but my sexual attraction to him is conditional.
Subsequently if our sex life was ruined then our relationship would seriously suffer. That does not make him a bad man.

I was a size 16 when I met my gorgeous dp I am now a size 20 and he still can not keep his hands off me. It is what rational people call unconditional love.

Or your husband finds women on the larger side attractive.

My Dp does. I want to be a 12. He wouldn't be as attracted to me if I was a size 8 as he is at 12 and up.

That's not unconditional love. That's still finding your partners body type attractive.

My exh told me I was too fat to have a physical relationship with, I didn't even have children, I just got into bad habits. I wasn't losing weight, things dragged on, and then a guy chatted me up, I told him I was married and he said "lucky guy". That was it, I made my mind up to leave exh and lost all the weight too, best thing I ever did!

As regards the blood sugar diet, I slacked a couple of years ago, and went on the 5:2 version of the diet and steadily lost 2 lbs per week. Exercise will tone you, but it won't shift the lbs like the diet does.

It's not so much the physical side for me. To put on such a huge amount of weight, DH wouldn't be the same person.
It's ok to say "love them for what they are", but to gain that much, he'd change as a person. He'd have to stop caring about his health or appearance (he doesn't care that much about appearance, he's not at all vain).
He would, as the phrase goes, let himself go.
Which is not attractive to me.
The physical weight gain would be less important, but also not attractive, just a symptom of a change of person.

Wow, you lot are so helpful, thank you. Some harsh truths that I needed to hear.

Sorry, I can't remember names, but the PP who also works full time and has a child with additional needs, you are so right, I have the time to put less in my mouth! Fair point. I've been making excuses for myself.

Just calculated my BMI, it's 39 ( I'm tall.) But didn't realise I may be eligible for weight loss surgery on the NHS. I have made a GP appointment to discuss it, but in the meantime I am going to try so hard on a low carb diet.

And the poster who mentioned that it's not just about the weight, it's about "letting yourself go" is exactly how DH put it to me. He said it's things like not shaving my legs, bikini line etc regularly, which I always used to do, and generally not making an effort for him.

I actually managed to (tearfully) thank him this morning for having the guts to mention this to me. It can't have been easy for him, but I'm hoping it's the wake up call I need. I want my marriage to work, but more than that, I want to be healthy and here for my children.

Thanks for taking the time to rep,y, and for all the links, I will look into these.

generally not making an effort for him.

Well, that's not what I meant actually.
I meant not taking care of himself for himself, not for me. About self respect.
If he said you weren't making an effort for you, I'd tell him to go himself actually.

Op we are here for support. It's not easy.

Well done for facing it.

I honestly do think that the letting yourself go is usually what bothers partners rather than weight. If dh stopped making an effort I would feel like he didn't think I was worth bothering for.

I would really struggle to find my dh sexually attractive if he was 5-6 stone overweight, I know he'd feel the same about me.
Putting a stone or 2 after having dc is very different and I'd be appalled if any man felt differently about their dw after they had carried their child!
It may sound harsh but 5-6 stone is more than just a bit of baby weight.

Op, I have so far managed to lose 3 of the 4 stone I need to lose. I have done it since May last year, using an app called nutracheck. I genuinely had no idea of hidden calories and especially calories in drinks until I started using it. It's been transformational, and costs £3.99 a month. And no I don't work for them! Seeing regular healthy weight loss is a great motivator, and your motivation and confidence will ncrease as your weight goes down. Good luck

When I had young children and no sleep, I lost weight by looking at my main offender first - in my case, cereal in the evening. I cut that out and ate normally with everything else until I wasn't in danger of eating the cereal any more, then moved on to my next offender, which was quite regular chocolate. And so on.

The only way I could cope was by making very simple changes like this, as managing to cut out one bad habit at a time was doable and I could keep track of it, no matter how tired I was. I did also increase my activity level, taking the kids out more for walks etc, but this was still dictated by whether I could physically cope with it.

Be kind to yourself and make simple, beneficial changes. Take care over the types of food you eat, e.g. simple, more natural food rather than "box food". Look at increasing your fibre intake, that can be very helpful and is another simple fix.

Try not to look for one-stop solutions when you have so much else to cope with.

going against the grain here, what are the other problems in your marriage?

In my experience over eating and gaining weight is an emotional response to dealing with other shit. Does your DH help out in the marriage, treat you like an equal, do their fair share of child raising and household tasks?

Are you able to approach him brutally and honestly about any of his "faults"?

Please don't be disgusted with yourself. You've lost weight before and you can do it again. But you need to be aware of whether your husband is affecting your self esteem and lose weight for you, not him.

Sad that so many posters would go as far as to refuse intimacy with their life partners due to some weight gain.

I and my husband are both slim before anyone starts calling me a fat supporter.

Yeah you need to lose it, and, it depends how he has said this, was it said in contempt or was it more, sorry but this is how I feel, I think that is important. Also, has he offered to help you lose weight, ie changing what you both eat, a bit of exercise together?

I would imagine the 5 or 6 stone has gone on very gradually so it's not like he got up one day and bang, there you were.

Sorry but I would find this very disappointing; there are load of sexy large curvy women that look bloody fantastic; if I was you I'd concentrate on making yourself look good, but for yourself, new hair, make up, clothes etc.....then perhaps think about reducing your portion size, get exercising, you already now I am sure what needs to be done.

Also, what other issues are you having, that's also helpful to know in this context.

Sad that so many posters would go as far as to refuse intimacy with their life partners due to some weight gain.

So you think people should have sex with someone they aren't attracted to, because they are in a relationship?

Really?

I and my husband are both slim before anyone starts calling me a fat supporter.

In which case you have no idea how you would feel if he put on 6 stone. What's a fat supporter?

With allndue respect, if you are slim you have no idea what it's like to be overweight and unhappy with it.

Yes women are still attractive when overweight. No one is disputing that. But no one HAS to be attracted to them. You can't force that.

You can't force someone to fancy someone. It's that simple.

Sad that so many posters would go as far as to refuse intimacy with their life partners due to some weight gain

Incorrect.
Both me and DH continue to have a very active sex life regardless of the slight weight gain we've both managed since the slim active carefree individuals we were when we met.

But 6 stone is not 'some weight gain'

5 or 6 stone is a lot so good you are going to tackle this for yourself and your health primarily. The only thing which works for me is weighing myself regularly, healthy balanced calorie controlled diet of 1400 a day and exercising minimum 3 times a week. I have cut down on snacks and now just have fruit or veg and cut back drastically on sugar and fat and carbs and upped protein to keep fuller for longer. Eggs, cottage cheese, low fat hummus, lean meat and fish.

Hope you get some help from your doctor.

*So you think people should have sex with someone they aren't attracted to, because they are in a relationship?

In which case you have no idea how you would feel if he put on 6 stone. What's a fat supporter?

With allndue respect, if you are slim you have no idea what it's like to be overweight and unhappy with it.*

With all due respect, yes I do, I have been over weight, a long time ago, thanks for assuming otherwise.

Where did I say folk should be shagging their partners, entirely up to them, I just find it sad, that ok?

I would still find him attractive, it's not just your body that makes you attractive. I also think women can look far more sexier than a man in bed, there are amazing pieces of lingerie you can keep on and yes, still have a shag and be attractive.

OP does need to lose this weight but I'd not be losing it based on what he said, I'd have to want to do it and do it in my time.

In the meantime OP, you can still be big and beautiful.

I have a best friend who is really big, she is very pretty and has had the pick of men for years and years, she exudes confidence and sexiness, wears the right clothes and appears to love her shape, good on her I say.

With all due respect, yes I do, I have been over weight, a long time ago, thanks for assuming otherwise.

So what sense did your comment ake, that you couldn't be called a 'fat supporter' because you and your husband are slim?

You think it's sad that someone won't shag someone whose body type they aren't attracted to?

I would still find him attractive, it's not just your body that makes you attractive. I also think women can look far more sexier than a man in bed, there are amazing pieces of lingerie you can keep on and yes, still have a shag and be attractive.*

What the fuck? Firstly you don't know if you'd like fancy your husband unless he put on 6 stone. It's not a choice.

No one said larger women can't be sexy or have a shag. What on earth does lingerie have to do with anything?

If you don't find certain body types attractive you just don't. Dressed up in lingerie or not.

And quite frankly if your fella is only attracted to you when you have fancy lingerie in, that's an issue itself.

I don't support being over weight, is that better Tennessee?

I'd not stop fancying him, you don't know me or him, no matter how many fucks you say.

Have already said OP needs to lose the weight, but like anything, someone telling you won't necessarily work, you need to want to do it yourself.

My point about big ladies still being attractive and wearing sexy underwear is so the OP does not feel any worse than what he has made her feel, so it's for her, not you.

He said it's things like not shaving my legs, bikini line etc regularly, which I always used to do, and generally not making an effort for him.

Mmm, does he do this, does he have a trim bush, does he always smell nice, shaved etc, if so, then fair enough, if not, then tell him he needs to do the same.

I don't support being over weight, is that better Tennessee

Not really, I don't get why you would hint that being slim is anything to do with anything. Seems you just wanted to say you were slim.

If you read the ops posts you will see she is exhausted and has no time for herself. She also isn't happy at her weight.

If her husband doesn't fancy larger women, he doesn't fancy them that's not wrong. Encouraging op to take some time out, to go shopping for lingerie to try and seduce her husband, who has told her how he feels (and not in a nasty way by the sounds of it), will probably end in her being turned down and hurting her even more. Let's say it does work or he has sex with her because she has put loads of effort in. Does she have to do it every time? What if she doesn't, must he sex with her then?

If he isn't attracted to larger women, trying to convince him other wise is wrong.

I've also put on weight & I don't think my husband finds me attractive either, for ages that was demotivating, I felt like I'd never be able to lose weight & be my old self. Recently I stopped thinking about what he likes & started thinking about what I like & what I can achieve. I started restricting my calories to 1500 a day (most of the time), was still drinking & having treats if I wanted & lost 9lb pretty quickly, now I have set an old photo of myself as my screen saver on my phone, I have started to exercise everyday & if I don't feel like it, or if I feel like hitting the wine I look at that photo & tell myself that this is what I want to look like, it keeps me motivated. I've also brought some new clothes so I can feel good & keep telling myself that if I'm consistent I will get the weight off & be happy with myself again. Doing it for yourself is the best thing.

Thing is 5-6 stone is a lot of weight to have gained and I think many people would lack attraction to a partner to be honest, you’d still love them but would you have attraction possibly not.

I can’t say I’d want to shag my dh if he put on 6 stone, something needs to make my motor start so to speak and I need attraction for that.

If you have the time to eat the bad food that is making you overweight, you also have the time to treat your body well and feed it the good stuff. Everyone has the time to eat well, becuase everyone eats so no excuse really