DH not attracted to me since I've gained weight

[ginandsonicboom]

DH and I have been together for 11 years; married for 4. Have 2 DC, 6 and 7.

We're having problems in our marriage. Today he told me he's stopped wanting sex with me partly because of my weight. I've put on loads of weight since having DC, so 5-6 stone in the last 8 years.

I feel like I can't get over this, I feel shit enough about myself as it is, but now feel disgusted with myself. Yet at the same time, I feel angry that he's being so shit, and feel I deserve more respect. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage.

Not really, I don't get why you would hint that being slim is anything to do with anything. Seems you just wanted to say you were slim.

If you read the ops posts you will see she is exhausted and has no time for herself. She also isn't happy at her weight.

If her husband doesn't fancy larger women, he doesn't fancy them that's not wrong. Encouraging op to take some time out, to go shopping for lingerie to try and seduce her husband, who has told her how he feels (and not in a nasty way by the sounds of it), will probably end in her being turned down and hurting her even more. Let's say it does work or he has sex with her because she has put loads of effort in. Does she have to do it every time? What if she doesn't, must he sex with her then?

If he isn't attracted to larger women, trying to convince him other wise is wrong

I said it to avoid folk assuming I was over weight, makes perfect sense.

Never said she should be happy with her weight, I just don't want to stick the boot in when her partner has made her feel shit when she already feels shit.

Never said go out and buy lingerie, seduce your husband either; my point was that whilst she is over weight she can still look reasonably good in the right attire.

Not saying what he should be attracted to, my advice is to the OP to make herself feel better and ultimately she needs to lose the weight which I keep saying and you keep ignoring.

She also said he seemed more bothered about her having shaved legs and bush etc; that's easily fixed but only if he does the same back. We are not actually sure if he has said about her weight in a sensitive way, I don't see him offering her any support?

If you want to continue pulling my advice to bits then carry on but I won't be replying so I'd not bother.

I actually managed to (tearfully) thank him this morning for having the guts to mention this to me. It can't have been easy for him, but I'm hoping it's the wake up call I need.

OP says it can't be easy for him. No hint he enjoyed telling her or was nasty to her.

It's fine if you don't reply. But I felt your comments need challenging. Especially around the op wearing lingerie when she has explained what her life is like and it being 'sad' that people in relationships don't feel they have to sex with someone they no longer fancy. I challenged them.

Isn't the key to this that OP doesn't feel good about herself and feels unhealthy? She sounds as if she's going to crack on for those reasons and she's been graceful about her husband's bluntness. .

I have to say I stopped fancying my DH when he got 4 stone fatter than his ideal weight. It was as much because he was drinking too much and stuffing his face ... and had lost control of far too much. It's hard to respect someone when they don't respect themselves.

OP I wouldn’t stay with dh if he put on 6 stone. I would try but just don’t think I’d be attracted to him anymore. It’s so unhealthy.
If you want to lose weight most guides say 80% diet 20% exercise.

I had to lose 4 stone after having dd. Working ft with dc actually made me fatter than ever as I was just snacking all the time to stay awake. Simple changes I made were things like setting myself snack times in the office such as snack one at 10am then small lunch (I worked through most of lunch to distract myself from eating) then light snack 2 at 3pm.

I am the laziest person ever so almost no exercise and managed to shift the weight by recording all calories into my fitness pal and owning up to how many calories I was eating. If I wasn’t going to do much in the way of exercise I would cut done on the calories. I ate everything by just less. I also found that the minute I exercised I’d eat a lot more than if I just sat on my bum and stayed away from food. Not sure if that will help you. Also maybe not healthiest diet but I feel better than when I was overweight.

Weight aside, try to be kinder to yourself, some women’s bodies do annoying things as they age and have dc. I never had weight issues before dd. I’ve literally been on a diet ever since she was born 5 years ago just to maintain a healthy bmi. And dh will either have to be patient while you lose weight or you can plan to leave him and sort your own life out.

I was in this exact position 20 years ago and I did what I could to lose weight, I felt sorry for my DH and it wasn’t just loss of attraction he was worried about my health, within a few months of me REALLY TRYING to get healthy our relationship changed for the good, he could see I was trying and found my efforts an attraction in itself. Just try to help yourself,not for him but for your health and the need to be there for your children.

@ginandsonicboom

When you have finished the first stage of the low carb diet, you could try Mama lupes low carb wraps, they seem to be the best least offensive of the wraps. I also really missed toast for breakfast and now I get skinny bread mix from ebay, so I can have toast again YAY, plus I can have pate too with no guilt whatsoever.

I also have a choccy mouse for dessert, if you want the recipe let me know.

Well done for starting, I have lost 5 stone doing this diet and can honestly say that I don't really miss all the carbs anymore.

When I do have a cheat day, sugary stuff just tastes too sweet and I have to brush teeth straight away. I used to LOVE crisps too, but now don't really like them at all, do occasionally miss nice crispy chips though you just get used it. Well done.

If he wants you to take time for yourself he needs to step up and take responsibility to enable you to do so not just sit there and bitch.

If YOU want to lose weight try HIIT (high intensity interval training), when looking at food forget any specific fad dieting and look at the glycemic index and watch out for products marketed as low fat; they are often packed with sugar.

OP when I was at my heaviest, after two children, I was comfort eating. My ex had been really unhelpful since I was pregnant with my first and I was just so sad and lonely.

I only lost the weight after we split up, I got a new job and became happy as a single parent. I hope you can find a way to feel happy again

If you swam, is there a club near you with a masters session? We have a lot of people start again after really long breaks (decades), and lots of us are larger but fit. It is a really fast way to get back to being fit and confident.

there are load of sexy large curvy women that look bloody fantastic; if I was you I'd concentrate on making yourself look good, but for yourself

I generally didn’t agree with this PP’s post, but I thought this was a good suggestion. You need to make yourself feel better now whilst making the dietary changes that will better your health slowly but steadily.

Sorry have been AWOL for a bit; some of the comments are making me feel even shittier about myself, so I had to pluck up the courage to come back on here. (Yes 5-6 stone is heaps, yes it's disgusting,no it didn't happen overnight, it's a result of 8 years comfort eating, 2 children, PND, medications, the menopause, extreme laziness and extreme greediness. And a life long eating disorder.)

Anyway. Thanks for some of the lovely support, and some fantastic weight loss suggestions.

Other problems in our marriage; debt, DH out of work for 6 months but making no effort to find a job or do anything around the house, DH drinking heavily, stress around DS and his diagnosis, no family support so we NEVER have time just the two of us, DH never wanting to do anything as a family so every weekend it's just me with the DC, taking them out etc, while trying to catch up on work at weekends. I've been thinking about leaving him for about 6 months, as I'll be financially better off and can buy a house in my own and support the children on my own, thanks to my salary. But we'd just decided to try to make it work when he told me this.

Adora - I'm the same as you. Sexual attractiveness is not about a person's body or looks, for me it's about a sense of humour, an emotional connection, personality. DH has been a fair few stone heavier in the past and it didn't make me fancy him any less. I guess I wrongly assumed he would be the same.

Having said all that, I still see this as a wake up call, but yes, I want to do it for me and not him.

Sheesh...and you're still with him because?? Have you ever suggested counselling to him? It sounds like he needs a wake up call.

Henny yes I've asked him to go to counselling with me but he refused. I'm still with him because I love him. He has been trying to make an effort recently. And I'm not blameless either, I've had some bad menopausal mood swings recently. Oh, and did I mention I'm very fat too?

You sound very lovely and kind, OP. You can do this- whether or not your marriage survives.

Op, you are disgusted with yourself at this weight, your words. I don't know why you are shocked he does not want to be intimate.

I would not find my partner attractive if he was 6 stone heavier. I wouldn't expect him to find me attractive either. There is so much you can do to lose the weight. You need to do this for you and maybe in time you will be grateful for his honest but difficult to hear words.

Please be kind to yourself OP, you really are worth it and neither you nor your body are disgusting. It sounds like you are keeping everything together in a stressful time and doing an amazing job. What I don't see from your updates is your DH making much effort for you.

If you want to lose weight for you, that's great, I hope you get lots of good support. I found I only lost weight when I realised I could value myself, for being me...when I wasn't using food to fill an emotional hole. Maybe it will be the same for you.

Of course my husband noticed I was fat; he sometimes gently suggested it would be good for me if I lost weight; he thought I would be fitter, healthier and happier; but he still thought I was beautiful and said so and he still desired me. And when I say now "ugh I looked horrible then" he tells me that was never the case, and he means it. And he certainly understood that I had partly put on a lot of weight after being ill. I say all this because it shows that a person can say something about weight without being hurtful or cruel.

I mean - you're working full-time, looking after children, one with special needs, no time to yourself, doing all the housework, dealing with your own physical and mental health AND your DH's possible alcohol addiction - and he thinks you're not making enough effort?

"He said it's things like not shaving my legs, bikini line etc regularly, which I always used to do, and generally not making an effort for him"

I knew there was more to this thread than met the eye when i was reading it last night.

Well OP i wouldnt find a pisshead a turn on!

DH and i have been together for 27 years. I got up to a size 28 and 21 stone (in fact i was a size 24 on my wedding day in 1998.

I lost ten stone During all this time not one word of criticism left DHs mouth. When i was working nights in the early 2000s DH used to do my Slimming World food/lunchbox for me so i could have an extra hour in bed after a 10 hour night shift.

OP your DH is doing fuck all He wants you to lose weight but seems to think it will come off by the power of prayer. To enable you to do the things needed to get the required results the useless lazy lush will have to step up and shock horror do some childcare/housework.

What a cunt.

And he is not worth losing weight for. If you want to lose weight you do it for you not for him.

Oh OP I can sympathise. I'm 5 stone heavier than when I met my husband 15 years ago. He is still attracted to me and we have a healthy sex life but I think I'm disgusting. I struggle with eating, always have. Obviously really!

Don't do this for him, do it for you. I'm trying to lose weight now for my baby as I want to be healthy and be able to run around with her. I have some weight related health issues creeping in like joint pain and I know these will only get worse. I'm always starting a diet next week. Never today. It's ridiculous really!

I hope we can both find the drive to so this. I know I'd be so much happier and more confident if I was a healthy weight. Good look!

I mentioned earlier that his libido problems are most likely his issue. If he is a drinker and combined with drinking then that is a surety.

Adora is right, bigger woman look great. Although sometimes they tend to try to fade into the background. Don't do this. There a lot of beautiful woman who are role models and bigger these days. They are not using any more or less artifice than smaller women.

And don't put off valuing your beauty until you have lost a few kilos. Do something that make you, not him, fell nice(r). Start defining yourself as how you want to be and can be.

I agree some of the comments on here are callous and thoughtless. If you want you can lose weight. Insensitivity is a lot harder to shake off.

Have you considered any ways to manage your menopause.

Ah, thanks so much for the lovely comments (Laughingcow I'm not including you in this ). I didn't mean to drip feed, it's just there's so much going on right now, I could write pages and pages and miss something out.

Some useful links

www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/collection/200-400-calories

www.google.com/amp/s/www.goodtoknow.co.uk/food/recipe-collections/low-calorie-meals-150-family-dinners-under-500-calories-52074/amp

www.mydietmealplan.com

5-6 stone is 30-36 kg? Yes that's a lot, that's significant. But its not a really huge amount. Especially when its spread out over 8 years, 2 children and perimenopause. Whatever your issues with comfort eating, they can't be as bad as you think.

The main thing is to learn to accept your body as is, and that will make it easier to slowly and sustainably lose a modest amount of weight. Your husband sounds like a bit of an ass though from skimming these comments, I hope he can learn to be supportive.