Lost best friend since having a baby

[Lightning84]

Hi all
I just wanted some advice as I’m really upset, I’ve had a best friend for over 20 years and since I had my son (he’s now 6 months) we aren’t talking anymore.

My friend visited once when he was born, she has no interest in babies so she didn’t really look at him if I’m honest but we caught up for an hour or two.

After that months went by where we texted a bit but not as much as we used to, I had bad anxiety about leaving the house unfortunately with the baby so I wasn’t out and about much. I feel lots better now and slowly getting out more with baby.
My friend didn’t ask to see me again in 5 months, she knew my anxiety was quite bad. I said she was welcome to visit anytime but that I found it hard to leave the house. Sad I know but I have recovered from it :-) finally !

5 months later she moved house so I left baby home with his Dad and one Saturday eve I went to visit her and see her new place. I’d noticed she had no interest in my son or seeing him again so I did my best to not bring him up. I had a nice eve with her.

Since that Saturday evening I’ve not heard from her at all. She said she would come to me next and I gave her a good time and date etc but didn’t hear from her. In 20 years we used to speak almost daily, it’s now been almost 2 months I haven’t heard a thing from her.

I’m upset, i feel it’s clear she doesn’t want to know / see my son - which is fine but she’s not making any effort to see me again at all or even chat to me.

What would you suggest? I’m also angry as it’s been hard becoming a Mum and I had this idea that my best friend of twenty years might support me? Not by babysitting or doing anything for /with my son, but just by seeing me ? It’s hard to explain but I am really let down by her.

If I contact her again (she hadn’t replied to my last message about seeing me next) ... should I ask if she is ok and what’s happening? Or should I skim over it and just see if she replies ?
I’m am sad and the reason I haven’t sent another message is because I’m not sure if this just means this friendship is over and that she’s not a good best friend and I should walk away anyway?

I’ve made some mum friends and other friends have stuck around but when it’s your best friend of so long- it hurts !

I'm sorry to hear that. Unfortunately it happens- I found that when I had my first ds last year. Some friends dropped off. However other friends have stuck around even though they don't like kids. One friend really doesn't like kids but will still meet up with me and my now two under two boys! She understands that we're a package and has warmed to them both admitting she loves my boys.
My point is that if your friend isn't bothering with you then she isn't a friend. I would probably cut ties. You've made some new friends, I would stick to those. You shouldn't have to hide your son or not talk about him because she doesn't want to hear it. He is a part of you. If she was a true friend then she would embrace him too.

Thank you dreamyflower ... I’m sorry it happened to you also. Out of all my good friends I am surprised it was my closest one of twenty years That now doesn’t seem to want to know me.
I deliberately went to hers on a Saturday eve- the best night of the week where I usually love being home spending quality weekend time with my husband and son, I wanted to show her I can still come over and be around on my own. I made a big fuss of her new “thing” her new flat. I didn’t mention my baby or much about this new life I’m now in. So I am upset that despite I did that she couldn’t return the gesture and visit us again - we too are actually in a new house which she’s not seen.
I sort of see it like- I sent the last message which wasn’t replied to, and I went to see her last without baby ... so it’s now upto her? But if she gets in touch now ... I am upset and a bit angry at her so not sure what I want to do :,(

It’s her birthday in a couple of months... so I post a card ? Text ? Or just leave it as she’s left me?

This does happen, you make new friends at playgroup, nurseries, baby centred events. They do stick with you. Your life has changed your friends has not.

I would try again OP. It may be her 'turn' but otherwise you could lose a good friendship. I'd text her again, a nice friendly message saying you haven't seen her for ages and it would be nice to catch up. Give her another chance.

I was thinking her other chance was me going to see her new flat and her and not mentioning my son much etc and making a big effort when she hadn’t seen me for five months or seemed interested ? I did think she would support me having a baby, as I said not by doing lots with my baby but just showing an interest in me still :,(
My friends had babies in past and I stuck around and made efforts to see them, I wasn’t overly keen on babies back then, but as they were friends I tried to support them. I do feel “dropped.”

Maybe she’s going through something. I know I found it pretty hard being present and enthusiastic for my closest friends when they were pregnant and with new babies as I was desperate to be a mum myself and in a relationship that was never gonna give me that. I still did it though, but not everyone is able to.

Or maybe the baby is a red herring and she’s just not as invested in the friendship anymore? If that’s the case I think you’re gonna have to accept it and move on.

But... twenty years? I’d be messaging her really honestly. Just say how you’ve felt and what you’ve notice and ask whether there’s a reason as you miss her and wish things were like they used to be. Don’t accuse her of not being interested in your baby or your life, just keep it simple and tell her you feel things are distant and what does she think. It’s worth a shot and you’ll never regret not trying.

Thank you ... I know she’s not jealous or anything of me with baby as she doesn’t want children and always says she doesn’t like them. She’s happy in a relationship- they just got their first place, that all seems really good. I thought I’d acknowledge this and repeatedly said how happy I was for her to settle down. I went to her new place as soon as I was invited, I didn’t grumble the invite was only to myself to go alone and didn’t welcome my husband or baby too. I was ok with that, but realised she hadn’t seen him in 5 months and clearly didn’t want to.
Twenty years is a long long time, I do agree it’s a shame, I am hurting a lot, but the anger also is there and I’m thinking “how could she just drop off like this at a time I needed friends to stick etc” :(

Hmm, the ‘how Happy I was for her to settle down’ would feel very patronising to me, like the whole time you’d been thinking ‘poor love, why can’t she find a man?’ and then being all ‘finally!’ when she met someone. Especially as you’re married and have a child. Could sound a bit smug.

You know her not me, but some people do put up a big show of ‘urgh, kids not for me!’ when they want and can’t have them. Just something to think about.

If you’re too angry to approach it sensitively I would just drop it for a few months as you’re in danger of making it worse. Like it or not nobody owes you their friendship, it has to be a two way mutually desired thing. Sounds like she doesn’t much desire it atm so you’re probably gonna have to just move on.

Hi, sorry no - I was genuinely happy she found a nice man and moved to a lovely new home with him. That’s honestly not come across as patronising. She is my best friend, I was showing her support with it.

She def does not want children, she’s said this for a long long time. It’s not an act, she can’t stand them. Whenever we were around any she made it clear. . . Maybe that is what’s happened here? Has she checked out on our friendship because she can’t stand babies and won’t be around mine now perhaps ? Best friend or not???

Okay, I’ll take your word for it :) I can just see how repeatedly saying you’re so glad she’s settled down could come across pretty smug.

Maybe that’s it. But you’ll never know until you ask her. Nobody here knows, only she does. What’s stopping you trying for a really honest conversation?

My best friend of years was always saying kids weren't for her and she never wanted them (her DP had kids and also had snip) on a night out she got extremely drunk and admitted kids are all she's wanted but DP can't/won't have anymore. She drifted apart from me when I had mine and also our other friends years later as and when they had their children. Then I have another 'friend' who has really not shown any interest in either of my children (they were toddlers when I met her) which was fine as she was part of the friend group without children but now she has a baby who I have met 2/3 times and he's 5 months old and she's slightly miffed that I don't want to be round at her house all the time but if I invite her to mine, she declines.

I never think anything's as clear cut as to ay she cut you out, I have friends I know I wasnt there for with babies, stuff was going on and time slipped by. I lost some, others I ended back with. I think continue your friendship with the odd non baby related text every so often and hopefully things will swing back around, and if not, sadly it just wasn't meant to be

I’m not sure, it seems a bit clearer to me, for twenty years we spoke daily, saw each other all the time, then before baby I saw her about twice a month- both of us in relationships and busier etc. Then as soon as I have a baby- nothing.
Would anyone else expect their best friend of twenty years to be there a bit? See the baby more than once in six months when they live just round the corner? I do need to ensure I’m not being too sensitive incase I did contact her again and say anything.
Honestly if she had had a baby- I’d have seen her and her baby as much as I could, even if that could only have been once a month, I’d have wanted to! I’m finding it hard to understand why she’s not trying.
I did sent the last message and arranged to see her - she said it was her turn to come see my new home. I did go see her without baby and make the effort. I know I’m being really stubborn here but I think it’s cause I’m hurting with a lot of disappointment.
She doesn’t like babies and that isn’t a cover up because she can’t have them, she’s one of us who just doesn’t like them and doesn’t want any. So I am wondering whether that is it... maybe she really wouldn’t feel comfortable to spend time with me when I have my son around.
I am stubborn to ask her, and very upset to try and talk to her again. I feel I’m owed an apology for her not getting back to me and only visiting her best friend once in 6 months - but is this my anger talking or are my feelings legit normal in this situation?? X

My friend did say to me that whenever she'd tried to pop round it was never convenient for me so she's stopped trying! There was a couple of times when mine were young that I'd said that because o wanted to sleep or we were actually out so just an excuse in her part really! It doesn't bother me, we are still friends and go out as a group but aren't as close as we were.

Some friendships only work during certain life stages. There’s no rule to stay we have to be friends forever. People change, priorities change.

If you think it is worth it, then make one more attempt. Her response will tell you what you need to know.

But don’t try to cling to the friendship.

She’s a selfish person and you shouldn’t have to do all the chasing and avoid talking about a massive part of your life to maintain a friendship. I would personally not bother contacting her again.

There wouldn’t have been any inconvenient times had she asked to pop over, I said anytime would be great.
When she came over the once he was asleep and she said she didn’t want him to wake up (not because she was being nice) because she didn’t want to hold him - so I said she didn’t have to hold him ! When he woke up she didn’t want to look at him or engage with him at all, when she left I did feel upset by this but then accepted that she’s never liked babies and always named everyone’s babies as ugly. I never responded to that negativity as I didn’t agree however I wasn’t a big fan of babies either at that time, but I would have been of hers- I would have wanted to be there for her and as her best friend would have wanted to know her family !

I wouldn't bother chasing her......not a kind of friend you need!

This is why I’ve not chased :,( as I am so hurt to admit I’m thinking she’s not a good real friend to me- even after twenty years if she has no interest in me now just because I have a baby and am at a different stage in life now :,(

Some people show their true colours when you need them the most. It’s shit but it happens.

Calling all babies ugly? She doesn’t sound that nice to me. And she could have at least pretended to have an interest in your son when she met him.

It sounds to me like you are better off without her and you will be wasting your energy trying to maintain this friendship.

What did you used to do together? Was it drinks/meals/shopping out? Or more hanging out at one of your houses? If the former maybe she doesn't see how the friendship will continue as you can't do those things anymore. That's not an excuse, just trying to find her reasoning. If you did used to have lots of coffees/chats at home, I'm not sure why she wouldn't still do that now. It's easy with a small baby. I have lots of friends with children and I didn't mind popping over/going for coffee when it was a small baby but they do get to an age where you can't really have a conversation anymore and it was no longer fun to meet up. That's clearly not relevant yet.

I don't think you are wrong to be hurt but there is limited time when you work full time and if she's decided this isn't the kind of friendship she wants to prioritise there isn't much you can do about it. I'm sorry...you sound like a really nice person and it's shit when people drop you.

Yes I was a bit upset she didn’t try and pretend to want to look at my baby.. but also I wonder if I’m in the wrong here - I know she doesn’t like babies, I know she has zero interest yet I’m hurt she hasn’t got any interest in me and mine? I should have known this and perhaps had this chat with her before I had the baby to manage expectations. I did wrongly perhaps assume that my baby she might “put up with” occasionally if it’s out with me- just for a coffee catch up or her visiting my place etc

Thank you Rosie :)
Gone were the days of going out a lot with her. So right up to before the baby we would go round each other’s houses or just go shopping or for lunch. It wasn’t evening dinners, more daytime at weekend things.
We could still do the same things - with my son there, and sometimes like I proved to her I can leave him at home with his Dad. But I guess she doesn’t really want to do anything now incase I have my son with me :( the invite to see her new place could have been to us as a family as my husbands met her partner - but it wasn’t, it was just to me