Lost best friend since having a baby

[Lightning84]

Hi all
I just wanted some advice as I’m really upset, I’ve had a best friend for over 20 years and since I had my son (he’s now 6 months) we aren’t talking anymore.

My friend visited once when he was born, she has no interest in babies so she didn’t really look at him if I’m honest but we caught up for an hour or two.

After that months went by where we texted a bit but not as much as we used to, I had bad anxiety about leaving the house unfortunately with the baby so I wasn’t out and about much. I feel lots better now and slowly getting out more with baby.
My friend didn’t ask to see me again in 5 months, she knew my anxiety was quite bad. I said she was welcome to visit anytime but that I found it hard to leave the house. Sad I know but I have recovered from it :-) finally !

5 months later she moved house so I left baby home with his Dad and one Saturday eve I went to visit her and see her new place. I’d noticed she had no interest in my son or seeing him again so I did my best to not bring him up. I had a nice eve with her.

Since that Saturday evening I’ve not heard from her at all. She said she would come to me next and I gave her a good time and date etc but didn’t hear from her. In 20 years we used to speak almost daily, it’s now been almost 2 months I haven’t heard a thing from her.

I’m upset, i feel it’s clear she doesn’t want to know / see my son - which is fine but she’s not making any effort to see me again at all or even chat to me.

What would you suggest? I’m also angry as it’s been hard becoming a Mum and I had this idea that my best friend of twenty years might support me? Not by babysitting or doing anything for /with my son, but just by seeing me ? It’s hard to explain but I am really let down by her.

If I contact her again (she hadn’t replied to my last message about seeing me next) ... should I ask if she is ok and what’s happening? Or should I skim over it and just see if she replies ?
I’m am sad and the reason I haven’t sent another message is because I’m not sure if this just means this friendship is over and that she’s not a good best friend and I should walk away anyway?

I’ve made some mum friends and other friends have stuck around but when it’s your best friend of so long- it hurts !

Agree with IvanaPee. You keep expecting people here to share your outrage, as if there's some set of Best Friend Rules that you've both signed up to, and she's reneging on key terms, or something. The fact is that she's made her position very plain, whether or not you, or any of us, thinks it's reasonable or fair, and you either go along with it, talk to her explicitly about it, preferably face to face, or decide to end the friendship, at least for now.

I just was wondering on opinions to try and decide if she’s being unreasonable and unsupported, it’s helped talking it through and see some opinions

I do know the facts now and just wondered if anyone else had been in this situation as I wanted to handle it right

I’m not including talking on MN as how I handle it. I will meet her and if I feel ok to open up to her then- I will do. I didn’t know if it was usual that’s all x

You’re going to keep being disappointment by her because you keep wanting her to change!

This is true. If you want to continue the friendship, then you will have to accept that babies are not her thing, and she will need to understand that you have different priorities now.

It's unrealistic to think that a baby won't change the dynamic between you.

I really didn’t realise it would happen, stupidly I thought we’d be the same but just I’d have less time

I do remember the first time I visited one of my closest friends, who'd been the first person I was very close to to have a baby, and coming away feeling vaguely irritated because she'd invited me, and was just sitting there on the sofa feeding her placid newborn, who wasn't apparently requiring anything other than a nipple. And I genuinely didn't understand why she was so distracted and visibly only giving me a quarter of her attention, when just a few weeks earlier we'd have spent hours together locked in intense conversation.

The friendship kept going, and I did understand better later on when she was able to talk about how much she'd worked to hide her PND, and how difficult she'd found breastfeeding, and when I had a child of my own ten years later and found the early months appallingly hard, but at the time I just felt as if she'd taken up a boring, 24/7 new hobby that turned her into a stranger.

I think this is similar probably to what’s happened, the one time she visited when he was new born though, he didn’t need a feed, he just slept in his Moses basket- so I was able to chat away and I kept looking at him when he stirred - but other than that... he didn’t really affect the time we had together, I can’t really remember conversations but I was bound to be talking about him though I guess