Lost best friend since having a baby

[Lightning84]

Hi all
I just wanted some advice as I’m really upset, I’ve had a best friend for over 20 years and since I had my son (he’s now 6 months) we aren’t talking anymore.

My friend visited once when he was born, she has no interest in babies so she didn’t really look at him if I’m honest but we caught up for an hour or two.

After that months went by where we texted a bit but not as much as we used to, I had bad anxiety about leaving the house unfortunately with the baby so I wasn’t out and about much. I feel lots better now and slowly getting out more with baby.
My friend didn’t ask to see me again in 5 months, she knew my anxiety was quite bad. I said she was welcome to visit anytime but that I found it hard to leave the house. Sad I know but I have recovered from it :-) finally !

5 months later she moved house so I left baby home with his Dad and one Saturday eve I went to visit her and see her new place. I’d noticed she had no interest in my son or seeing him again so I did my best to not bring him up. I had a nice eve with her.

Since that Saturday evening I’ve not heard from her at all. She said she would come to me next and I gave her a good time and date etc but didn’t hear from her. In 20 years we used to speak almost daily, it’s now been almost 2 months I haven’t heard a thing from her.

I’m upset, i feel it’s clear she doesn’t want to know / see my son - which is fine but she’s not making any effort to see me again at all or even chat to me.

What would you suggest? I’m also angry as it’s been hard becoming a Mum and I had this idea that my best friend of twenty years might support me? Not by babysitting or doing anything for /with my son, but just by seeing me ? It’s hard to explain but I am really let down by her.

If I contact her again (she hadn’t replied to my last message about seeing me next) ... should I ask if she is ok and what’s happening? Or should I skim over it and just see if she replies ?
I’m am sad and the reason I haven’t sent another message is because I’m not sure if this just means this friendship is over and that she’s not a good best friend and I should walk away anyway?

I’ve made some mum friends and other friends have stuck around but when it’s your best friend of so long- it hurts !

I can only use the phone to arrange to meet her, she stopped answering my calls a while ago also and my last message asked to see her ....
I can ask again yes. And actually if I don’t get a reply still- then we all know what I need to do then !

I’m just not ready to message her. Every day I think of it and I’m sad and I could try again- but I am so hurt :-(
Ideally I would like her to reach out to me, acknowledge she’s ignored me since I had my son and apologise and say she wants to make an effort and be friends, even though I have a baby! - this doesn’t seem to being happening though so it’s whether I wait a long time to hear from her- or whether I decide I want to forgive - as right now I feel too upset at how it’s all happened :,(

No response is a response.

She isn't worth it, who can't be happy for their best friend?

I know she’s not jealous or anything of me with baby as she doesn’t want children and always says she doesn’t like them.

I don’t buy this. You spoke daily for twenty years and as soon as you have a baby it changed so dramatically? It’s clearly stirred something up in her. It’s a classic deflection tactic to pretend you don’t like/want kids so you don’t have to admit to anyone (or yourself) that you really do and are feeling broken about it.

If it’s been twenty years of good friendship, surely she deserves the benefit of the doubt on why she’s gone cold?

She isn't worth it, who can't be happy for their best friend?

It can be really, really hard if they have a baby and you can’t.

purple I know, my friend had twins and I have been told I can never have more children. Sure it sucks and it hurts but why should the OP have to bend over backwards to prove she is still worthy of this friendship? What is she really gaining from this one sided relationship?

Surely after 20 years of friendship, the friend can be honest with the OP about what is really going on ?

Surely after 20 years of friendship, the friend can be honest with the OP about what is really going on?

I can’t talk to any of my friends about how I really feel. I’m an Oscar-worthy actress though.

I’m not saying the op should do anything. Leaving it (or maybe one message saying she’s really sad about what’s happened and she hopes the friend will get back in touch) is probably the right course of action. I’m just saying if they’ve been really good friends, it’s not likely she’s turned into w heartless bitch overnight. There’s something behind this.

Some friendships only work during certain life stages. There’s no rule to stay we have to be friends forever. People change, priorities change.

This. I don't think it invalidates the previous 20 years of friendship, or means that you won't necessarily reconnect in future. Don't let yourself be consumed with anger or resentment, OP.

I can see why you think she may secretly want children- but believe me- she does not. Medically there is no reason she can’t have them- every time she’s had a scare she’s said she would get rid of it and I know she would have ! She uses contraception, and in the past if her partners have suggested children she’s also told them no. Honestly it’s not because she can’t have them. There are women out there who do not want them. My friend is one. My other friends who know her well as well say she’s dropped me because my attention is now on my son. They thought she would drop me when I got married - but it was ok.
When I moved to a different town for financial reasons a while ago she tried to turn attention back on her and had a big go at me for moving (twenty mins away) then admitted she was scared I wouldn’t be around as much. But I can’t keep sucking up to her and this sort of behaviour as she’s a 37 year old grown woman and I’ve always been there when she needed me.
When she sees a baby out and aboht she will usually make some “urgh” comment if she makes eye contact. If a baby is crying and we’ve been nearby she will make a rude remark about how the mother should control her baby/child :-( which she makes loudly- it used to embarrass me but now I’ve had a baby now I see how rude and horrid that is to be judged for a crying baby! They cry!!!
When she met my son once she didn’t hardly look at him, she glanced for a split second in the Moses basket and then sat back down and when he stirred she said she didn’t want him waking up.
She really doesn’t like babies. Maybe cause the attention when they’re around isn’t on her? She hates her colleagues at work bringing them in and always says they shouldn’t cause “no one cares” these are odd actions of a Jealous woman but she’s always said she wouldn’t be a mother. That she couldn’t cope with a screaming child- her words!
She never struggled for men - they’d be queuing up for my best friend. She had a few scares and always went to doctors to say she would have abortions (they were only all scares though as she was on contraception. But I suppose if you’re quite late and your sexually active a lot you do panic!)

I do agree people change. She hasn’t changed if I’m honest. She didn’t want to be around babies before and clearly now even though her best friends had one- she still doesn’t want to be, so she’s checked out of our friendship to avoid it perhaps. I’m prob no fun to her anymore in her opinion - though that isn’t true :(
I have changed though! I’m a new mum and loving it, it’s hard but so rewarding and I know already one day I’d love another baby.

It would just be nice after twenty years for her to tell me what is going on. Why we went from talking everyday to not talking.

She probably wants a friendship if I’m honest where she doesn’t ever see my son. So I’d have to get my husband to have him each time I see her. I did this for her last time... I hoped it would help. But I don’t want a best friend like this, sad to say! It won’t work - i would love a best friend who doesn’t mind if I have my son at times and who wants to support me and at least say hello to my family sometimes etc. I think her behaviour is strange as after twenty years of being so close i would have probably felt some love for her baby had she of had one, I would have wanted to support her. It’s been a time I really could have done with it, especially the first 4 months when she knew I had awful anxiety about leaving the house with him

If I search deep - I think she feels “I don’t need her anymore”

She has done this in the past to me- but I am a bit tired now of it because I’ve always ran to her to reassure her and at our age now it’s not that fun anymore and seems all about attention on her, when I am/was struggling with this life change and could have done with her stepping up to support and not thinking about her. She wouldn’t have lost me at all, but she has by not replying to me or bothering to return the favour and visit me.

I think I have figured it out. I think she doesn’t like my attentions on baby. But it has to be !! It’s a shame as I still want my friends and love now going out, I also enjoy seeing them without baby time to time!

I think you need to be really honest with her and tell her exactly how you feel and ask her to be honest back

20 years is a lot to throw away and it's obvious from your posts you really need an answer as to why

I do feel for you and in your position I would want to meet up and have a very frank conversation

If you are as good friends as you say, just ask her. Stop with all of the passive aggressive waiting and interpreting what she is/isn't doing and why - it's a simple question and will stop this festering.

Some people don't like babies, new parents can often (understandably) become 'baby bores', maybe she's giving you space, maybe she has stuff going on in her own life and doesn't want to bother you with it because you are a new mum - you won't know until you have an actual conversation about it

The most you post, the more you sound like a really lovely person and she sounds like a total bitch!

She won't change, ignore her and enjoy your little baby. It's her loss

*more not most

She could be a little bit jealous of your DS, she will return, new mums are boring to non parents, I think I was a bit jealous many years ago when very close friends started having children and it is a bit dull in those early years when every subject is turned to DCs.

Thanks everyone.
Sadly I don’t think I’ll get the truth out of her. She won’t admit to this one.
I needed her more than ever just to be “there” at end of phone or just knowing she’s got my back- and she’s let me down.

The way she’s always been with babies and children etc has been cruel and now I’m a mum it won’t work her being that way around me or my son. It’s not supportive and I’d be on eggshells around her the second my son cried or needed my attention.

I’m going to leave it, and walk away. I did go and see her (babyless) ... and I did try and sort seeing her again to which no reply.

I can’t see her changing. She would have done so if she could when I had him. She did say to me when I was pregnant “I don’t like babies but I know I’ll like yours” ....
.... she obviously changed her mind on that and on her trying to.

I have changed, she hasn’t. Maybe we now have nothing in common so she’s politely checked out. At least this way there was no falling out . Will be extremely uncomfortable when I bump into her (which will happen at certain birthdays etc) but I can say I didn’t hear back from her so assumed she was busy back then.

I don’t think she will apologise for making me feel hurt since I’ve had a baby. And I can’t see her suddenly wanting to be around my son at all. Visiting once in 6months has hurt too much.

I’m gonna try and move on from it and accept it x

I had a very similar situation happen to me. In the end I did text and say how hurt I was and all I got back was I wouldn’t want to hurt you like that. That was it.
She wont even say hello if we pass each other in the street which I think is pathetic on her part.
I came to the conclusion that they actually do you a favour in the end op. I mean she could be happy for you for your baby if she was a true friend. You don’t need a friendship like this.
Fast forward a few years im so relieved my friend isn’t around she would have been snotty about my relationship as she was of the opinion everyone’s partners fancied her and they were all pervs
So I bypassed that drama there.
I could enjoy my relationship without drama.
So op what I can tell you is while it stings now it is I feel a higher power taking the wrong ones out of your life and giving you better ones I.e your gorgeous baby who will give you so much joy and happiness.
And it’s funny it takes so long to get over the friendship but when you do you find you don’t think about them at all.

I think PurpleDaisies is right and that having the baby has stirred something up in her, although not necessarily because she can’t have children herself. It’s unusual to be so vehemently anti children - often people only make their point that strongly when they aren’t really sure underneath. Also there are lots of reasons for not wanting children and some of those aren’t simple - like not wanting children because deep down you suspect you’d be a terrible mother. No one wants to say that out loud because the likelihood is their friends would just try and reassure them, which does nothing to change the feeling.

She may feel completely unseated as an important person in your life - you’ve turned this into a black and white “she wants all the attention” but she may well be struggling with losing that place because she knows your baby is more important she’s realistic enough to know that your attention will keep going to the baby and that this will increase as the baby and subsequent babies get older - as someone else they get to the age where you can’t have a conversation (followed by the age where their parents are constantly ferrying them to different activities and meeting up becomes a logistical impossibility).

You sound very upset that she wasn’t interested in looking at or holding the baby and she may have picked that up. You also mention you had huge anxiety about leaving the house with him for several months, which means that for all that time she would have to visited you at home and it would have just been you and the baby she was meant to look at/show an interest in but, for whatever reason, she didn’t want to or couldn’t do that. Being around babies can trigger very strong feelings for people related to their own time as babies which they won’t even remember consciously and so can be hard to articulate.

If the contact disappeared after your visit then maybe something happened there. If you were deliberately trying to avoid talking about the baby then the conversation might have been a bit strained because, quite rightly, the baby is pretty central to your world at this point! I also wonder about you saying “repeatedly” that your were happy for her to settle down - that could well have been taken in a way you didn’t mean it.

I’ve been dropped by a friend so I get the sadness and anger but if you can be a bit more open minded about why it might have happened then you might be able to take it a bit less personally.

@Lightning84 you've written exactly what I'm going through....

I've had a best friend for 23 years, we worked in the same place after school, she went to uni then when she got back we ended up working in the same place again. I got married she was my MOH, then when I got pregnant it all changed. My son is 15 months and I could count on my one hand the amount of times she's seen him. I had a miscarriage in September and she barely asked how I was and I was in a bad bad place. I'm now 16 weeks pregnant and I think I've spoken to her twice. I didn't even want to tell her I was pregnant.

I've learnt that unfortunately, now, our lives are at very different stages. She has a boyfriend, her own home but if very much work driven and I'm now the opposite. We don't talk unless I text. I've made some incredible friends since having my boy and I honestly think they'll be friends for life.

It's so hard when you're so used to that person being there all the time, but until she has children, she'll never understand what you've gone through.

Sorry if I've rambled xx

I lost a friend when I was pregnant. She basically avoided me from the moment I told her I was pregnant, stopped responding to texts or calls, if I saw her about she would always be really busy and had to dash off. Beforehand everything was fine.

She then transferred to another office (we worked for the same company), back to her home town a few hundred miles away so that basically killed off what was left of our friendship.

We were quite good friends, I helped her through some horrible times in her life such as when she split with her fiancé or suffered with depression.

When my baby was born, I sent her a message to let her know and she never responded so I knew to stop trying.

I think some of it was that she really wanted children but since splitting with her fiancé, wasn't in the right place/right relationship and she felt she was getting older and was going to leave it too late.

However what really stung was that last year one of our mutual friends (who she did still talk to) had a baby and she still talks to her (although said friend has said communication has tailed off considerably)

Some people here are being very generous to your “friend”, I have a very different outlook.

I thought I couldn’t have children which was very painful for me, but I didn’t treat my friends this way when they had children. She should be able to support you like she would in any other situation, and vice versa - if she’s not capable of that then she’s no use as a friend whatsoever.

You've posted about this before, haven't you?

It’s good some people are trying to see her side of it. It is weird she has always been so anti babies. She loves horses... says they’re her babies and dedicates a lot of time to them.
If I ask myself has she been a good friend to me lately- the answer is no. For six months no, she’s not been there at all. She’s stopped contacting me and never asks how things are going. It’s not been a friendship at all really since I had him.
Oddly the night I went to see her as she requested it wasn’t awkward- we had a really nice laugh and time together. I am good at picking up awkwardness and know her well- and that eve was good! She did then say she will come see me next and my new home... but then when I tried no reply.
I suppose me not begging for her attention has confirmed to her that now she’s not needed or important? We’ve never not spoken before :( it’s not that, I’ve felt upset every day , but I don’t think I should chase her / run to her and try and make her feel wanted when she’s acted this way. I have admitted I’m stubborn though!

If I’m honest, she isn’t interested in my son, that’s for sure. And that won’t change. She won’t suddenly decide to try and support him/me on that.
Honestly I’d like a great friendship where I can sometimes bring baby and other times go out on my own with friends child free. I don’t want to feel like I can’t see my friends with my son ever. That doesn’t make things easy for me as a mum and my husband works 5 days a week long hours, I’d like her to be able to compromise and understand that yes- I’ve had a baby and yes he will be with me a lot now.
It was my last attempt at this friendship that Saturday eve when I went to see her on my own. Usually we would all meet up- with our partners but she didn’t allow that this time as she didn’t want baby there, that was fine, I accepted it, did what she wanted and showed her I’m still her friend :( I feel it’s not been reciprocated. And I feel too angry to try and sort it (right now anyway.)

Would I be an awful person considering I haven’t heard from her in months to bypass her upcoming birthday? Unless I just send a card in the post. I guess then she can’t say how mean I am for ignoring her birthday!

Her manner towards your dc is not one of someone who 'doesn't like babies' but one who completely despises them or someone for whom babies trigger something. She may have issues you know nothing about. She may have been abused or she may have known since childhood that she will never be able to have babies and then developed the rhetoric of never wanting them. It's just that her behaviour you describe is one of repulsion not just someone who doesn't really like babies. It really is not normal.