Lost best friend since having a baby

[Lightning84]

Hi all
I just wanted some advice as I’m really upset, I’ve had a best friend for over 20 years and since I had my son (he’s now 6 months) we aren’t talking anymore.

My friend visited once when he was born, she has no interest in babies so she didn’t really look at him if I’m honest but we caught up for an hour or two.

After that months went by where we texted a bit but not as much as we used to, I had bad anxiety about leaving the house unfortunately with the baby so I wasn’t out and about much. I feel lots better now and slowly getting out more with baby.
My friend didn’t ask to see me again in 5 months, she knew my anxiety was quite bad. I said she was welcome to visit anytime but that I found it hard to leave the house. Sad I know but I have recovered from it :-) finally !

5 months later she moved house so I left baby home with his Dad and one Saturday eve I went to visit her and see her new place. I’d noticed she had no interest in my son or seeing him again so I did my best to not bring him up. I had a nice eve with her.

Since that Saturday evening I’ve not heard from her at all. She said she would come to me next and I gave her a good time and date etc but didn’t hear from her. In 20 years we used to speak almost daily, it’s now been almost 2 months I haven’t heard a thing from her.

I’m upset, i feel it’s clear she doesn’t want to know / see my son - which is fine but she’s not making any effort to see me again at all or even chat to me.

What would you suggest? I’m also angry as it’s been hard becoming a Mum and I had this idea that my best friend of twenty years might support me? Not by babysitting or doing anything for /with my son, but just by seeing me ? It’s hard to explain but I am really let down by her.

If I contact her again (she hadn’t replied to my last message about seeing me next) ... should I ask if she is ok and what’s happening? Or should I skim over it and just see if she replies ?
I’m am sad and the reason I haven’t sent another message is because I’m not sure if this just means this friendship is over and that she’s not a good best friend and I should walk away anyway?

I’ve made some mum friends and other friends have stuck around but when it’s your best friend of so long- it hurts !

She actually says they repulse her.
I’ve had many chats with her about this and she literally says she has zero interest in them. She said they annoy her as they cry and are so needy. She says they all look the same and aren’t cute and that she wouldn’t be cleaning up their s. But she does with horse s ;-)
So some people don’t think it’s possible my friend hates babies without her being abused or not being able to have them herself but honestly neither is true! Maybe she sees them as a threat? Or maybe she is scared of them as hasn’t been around any? I’m not sure but she def has always shown a huge dislike - even way before mine. So I am realising I shouldn’t be as shocked she won’t see mine. She always said she doesn’t “get” the “baby thing” and wants her life. She’s had anger issues in the past and has lost jobs from being rude to people and swearing in the office etc. I always said if I’d ever worked with her I wouldn’t have liked her. To me she was never so rude though. She’s an only child and has two extremely loving and friendly parents who gave her everything and still do. Her only interest is her horses. There are some underlying issues but she can conceive if she wanted to. I used to go to hospital and docs with her, I’ve been her shoulder to cry on for 20 years. I’ve been to the docs with her before when she thought she was pregnant a few times. She was horrified and crying etc I even left work to go and help her those times as she was terrified thinking she was pregnant.

She has always wanted attention and if things weren’t how she wanted it she would “play up” the only word I have for it :(

Even back when we went out single, if it wasn’t a bar playing her taste in music she would get moody not talk to me much and then say she wanted to go home and didn’t feel well. The min they play her kind of music she would suddenly be the life of the party again. Just a small example but it’s been a tough friendship at times.
When I got engaged our mutual other friends all said to me she would have a meltdown - but luckily she didn’t. I think it’s come when baby came :-/ but I don’t want to live my life on eggshells ???

Thats sad you have been thru a lot of upheaval with having a new baby moving house and depression
Your best friend should be there to support you. Could she be jealous. Sounds like it. I think you def need to speak to her and tell her how you feel. You dont really have much of a relationship at the moment so things cant really get any worse. Its better knowing whats going on in her head than guessing. Then you can decide from there whats the best thing to do.

It’s very strange to hate babies with such vigour without any reason at all. And now there are “underlying issues”, which I presume means gynae problems? Just because parents appear to be living and wonderful doesn’t mean they actually are.

Being friends isn’t compulsory. It’s obvious you’ve decided she just wants to be the centre of attention and you want other posters to agree. I’d just leave it.

If I find myself not so hurt / angry I’ll send her another message and try again. It’s been nice to hear I’m not alone and others have had friends disappear at the sign of a baby too, talking has helped. She hasn’t been a good friend to me is the bottom line, and I was blaming myself and getting upset but I hope now I can just accept it and that she has decided to not be involved with me right now

Sorry but I also think she wants a baby, maybe she has had a mc.

I’ve probably been a baby bore, that’s my guilt. Which is why I didn’t mention my son much when I saw her.

If she wanted a baby why go to the docs with me telling the doc if she is pregnant she doesn’t want it?
Why would she be so unkind about anyone’s babies ?
Why would she say no to her previous relationships about babies?
I did feel I knew her very well, if after 20 years I actually don’t and I’m wrong- that Is mad

It’s s defence mechanism. If you convince everyone around you you don’t want a baby, they don’t talk to you about them.

For over twenty years ?? I’m really not thinking this is it I’m afraid. It would mean so much has been lies ?!?!

You’d made up your mind before posting the thread.

I think people are being too generous and are probabky wrong with the "she has fertility problems and is devastated"etc theory.

Your description of her personality and behaviour (and the dynamic of the friendship) make me think she's just selfish, a bit spoilt, and that the friendship has been based upon you supporting her and being there for her.

You haven't been able to do that (and won't really be able to) so not relevant/worth bothering with anymore; she can't be arsed.

You thought it was a two-way friendship but it wasn't. You've had rose tinted glasses on and still have.

The length of time is nearly irrelevant: time flies in. You were available to support and prop her all that time, you're not now. That's what matters to her.

It wasn't lies (intentional lies) on her part - she's just not like you, capable of genuine, selfless friendship.

She's probably a bit if a narcissist/had NPD or Apr. You said she'd not interested in anything but her horses, she's also been really tactless and cold about babies etc.

I think the fact that this friendship started when you were both so young has made you naive about it.

Don't put any further effort in, redirect into people who seem capable of genuine friendships, who have some tolerance and flexibility, and aren't so selfish.

I think you've figured a lot of this out for yourself.

Ok she hates babies, I can see that from what you've read. I'm guessing that's 80% of it. But also, you (her best friend) having a baby and starting a new stage of your life has reflected vs n to her a slight panic that she doesn't want it. Does that make sense?

I always wanted children but was never broody. It wasn't until friends around me started talking about babies or having babies that I thought - let's go for it,
This may be preying on her mind in a negative way. She's thinking you're joining a club she's not a part of.

I understand you're hurt. I would be too. I was as awful Auntie when my Dsis had her 3 dcs. I used to moan that I couldn't have a proper conversation with her without the kids butting in. Haha. What did I know?!
When I had my own I realised how ridiculous this was. My Dsis rewarded me by being a great Auntie and laughing off my naivety.

I have friend of 20 years that I totally thought I'd loose when I had dc. However he surprised me. He dived in and babysat for me all the time and bought my dcs presents etc. I love him for that. Now my dcs are teens we go out much more again on our own like we did 20 years ago.

I'm so sorry your friend has let you down. But she has.

Could you write an email expressing your thoughts? Even if it's just for 'closure'?

I hadn’t made my mind up before I posted, every single day this is on my mind and do I or don’t I contact her.
I agree with you Moralitym..... I was always running around after her and trying to help her, she’s been very up and down the whole twenty years. Now I can’t drop everything but I’m still at end of the phone and not at work so can call her easier being home !
I went to visit her when she asked, I was there. It’s a shame she couldn’t see from that that I can still be a good friend. I do feel I’ve been a baby bore but not recently! I picked up on it and stopped, my son was all I had to chat about , couldn’t chat about work, wasn’t anything else going on other than getting used to a baby

I agree , it’s put her out I’ve started a new stage in my life, she probably doesn’t feel she fits in, but she doesn’t want to fit in I think is the main thing
I’d be all up for reassuring her that I’m still here for her, but knowing she has no interest in me with my son- I don’t think I want to be there for her as she’s not there for me if that makes sense?? I can’t hide the fact I have a baby and I just want support around me

Exact same thing happened to me OP, never would have thought my best friend would drop me like a hot potato but she did. I’ve never brought it up with her but we both know things aren’t the same now, my first dc is nearly 5 so it’s been a while and our friendship now is just a few almost forced texts and birthday / Christmas cards exchanged, we maybe see each other once a year but it’s awkward really. I’ve come to accept it but it does hurt a bit still. My advice would be don’t chase her, you can’t make someone care if they don’t and some friends just seem to write you off when you have a baby. Focus on your son and your new friendships and just accept it as part of life. I’ve never brought the issue up with my friend as I know I’d get absolutely nowhere (she’s very stubborn and has become quite self centred so I highly doubt she’d see my point of view) but I don’t want a falling out or to close the door on the friendship all together, so I just leave it as it is. Maybe it will change in future, maybe not, but I’ve stopped wondering what I did wrong and have moved on from it.

Thanks Amy, yes I think this is headed the same way. I am reluctant to contact her and ask why too, and I don’t feel things can or will get a lot better if she can’t accept me for being a mum now. I’m sorry to read this happens a lot! I’ll send the birthday card as if I don’t I’ll be mean of me. But I think I’ll leave the questions and just accept things just changed. I wouldn’t want my old life back- my son is my everything but I do miss her :(

You’re coming across as a bit precious about your baby, which is why the term PFB was coined :) it happens to the best of us.

But honestly, why do you need to bring your son on some meet-ups?

I have friends who don’t have kids. So we meet without children and don’t talk about children. It’s not that hard!

And I’m a mum but agree with her about people bringing their babies into work, tbh!

I get that you’re hurt. As parents sometimes we don’t understand how anyone isn’t passing out in raptures at the marvel of our loin fruit.

The truth is that other people’s kids aren’t a big deal to a lot of people and that’s ok.

It sort of seems like you were fine with it until you had one and now you’re taking the attitude she’s had for TWENTY YEARS personally! That’s weird to me!

I would like a compromise, I make the effort to see her without him, but sometimes it’d be nice if she doesn’t mind he’s there? For my best friend to never want to see my child I find this odd ?

Why though? Why do you want her to see him when you know she doesn’t like babies and doesn’t want to be around them?

It would be like if you despised and/or were terrified of horses and she kept saying “I’ll meet you for lunch but next time you have to come horseriding or meet me at the stables”.

Just...why?

I take that on board.. I can see your point. I just still think it’s mean to want nothing to do with my family yet be my best friend ?! Feels horrible but I will think about your point. It’s not very supportive for me ??

A baby isn’t a horse, I can’t leave him as easily. There will be times he will have to be with me, at events etc and she would have to deal with that? And I would hope just cause I’ve brought my son along doesn’t mean she should then ignore me or avoid that event cause I won’t be there alone?