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Original poster

Lost best friend since having a baby

133 replies

Lightning84 · 20/02/2019 12:05

Hi all
I just wanted some advice as I’m really upset, I’ve had a best friend for over 20 years and since I had my son (he’s now 6 months) we aren’t talking anymore.

My friend visited once when he was born, she has no interest in babies so she didn’t really look at him if I’m honest but we caught up for an hour or two.

After that months went by where we texted a bit but not as much as we used to, I had bad anxiety about leaving the house unfortunately with the baby so I wasn’t out and about much. I feel lots better now and slowly getting out more with baby.
My friend didn’t ask to see me again in 5 months, she knew my anxiety was quite bad. I said she was welcome to visit anytime but that I found it hard to leave the house. Sad I know but I have recovered from it :-) finally !

5 months later she moved house so I left baby home with his Dad and one Saturday eve I went to visit her and see her new place. I’d noticed she had no interest in my son or seeing him again so I did my best to not bring him up. I had a nice eve with her.

Since that Saturday evening I’ve not heard from her at all. She said she would come to me next and I gave her a good time and date etc but didn’t hear from her. In 20 years we used to speak almost daily, it’s now been almost 2 months I haven’t heard a thing from her.

I’m upset, i feel it’s clear she doesn’t want to know / see my son - which is fine but she’s not making any effort to see me again at all or even chat to me.

What would you suggest? I’m also angry as it’s been hard becoming a Mum and I had this idea that my best friend of twenty years might support me? Not by babysitting or doing anything for /with my son, but just by seeing me ? It’s hard to explain but I am really let down by her.

If I contact her again (she hadn’t replied to my last message about seeing me next) ... should I ask if she is ok and what’s happening? Or should I skim over it and just see if she replies ?
I’m am sad and the reason I haven’t sent another message is because I’m not sure if this just means this friendship is over and that she’s not a good best friend and I should walk away anyway?

I’ve made some mum friends and other friends have stuck around but when it’s your best friend of so long- it hurts !

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 21/02/2019 12:26

No, it’s probably not very supportive and I’m not saying it’s ok. Or that you have to put up with it!

I’m just saying; you know who she is. And expecting people to change just because you want them to is never a good idea!

IvanaPee · 21/02/2019 12:28

Yes but if you want to arrange meet-ups with her, and you’re arranging them, they don’t have to include your baby. That was my point!

NabooThatsWho · 21/02/2019 12:30

*It would be like if you despised and/or were terrified of horses and she kept saying “I’ll meet you for lunch but next time you have to come horseriding or meet me at the stables”.
*

Absolutely ridiculous comparison. It’s a human not an animal. A human which OP recently gave birth to and is completely dependent on her.
You can leave a horse in it’s stable, you can’t just leave a baby in the house while you waltz off.
Yes OP could sometimes leave the baby with her OH but it’s not a given.

Your friend despises babies and makes no effort with you, I don’t see how this friendship is going to work. OP you haven’t done anything wrong. Please raise your friendship standards.

IvanaPee · 21/02/2019 12:32

It’s not a ridiculous comparison.

You do realize I haven’t actually said a baby and a horse are the same thing, yes?

Her son is not completely dependent on her as his dad is there.

CallMeRachel · 21/02/2019 12:36

I think it's fair to see she has some major psychological issues around babies.

We can only guess why that might be, anything from her being adopted to having a hereditary condition which means she shouldn't have children.

I think it's very unusual for a woman to be so hateful towards babies, it's an unnatural behaviour, which makes me think there must be more to it.

I think her character sounds quite toxic and negative for you to be around anyway when you should be enjoying your new baby.

I'd send one more text, bluntly, saying "hoy, what's up?? Not normal to ignore me so just spill what's bugging you". You've nothing to lose and at least it's calling her out on her shitty behaviour.

Did she even send you a card or gift for your baby?

Original poster
Lightning84 · 21/02/2019 12:37

I have proved to her by seeing her without baby that I am willing to.
But I don’t want a friendship like this all the time, I’d like a supportive one and she hasn’t been :-( I don’t want her there only when baby strictly isn’t. To me that’s a real shame she can’t compromise at all or stand to be near her best friends son

OP posts:
Original poster
Lightning84 · 21/02/2019 12:38

She came over with a card and gift yes. But didn’t really look at him... she could have tried to be a bit more polite and show a tiny interest but that was prob the card and gift

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 21/02/2019 12:42

I’d like a supportive one

Has she ever been supportive?

It's sounds like you've always supported her, not the other way around.

It really seems like you've had the rose tinted glasses on with her, this development is making it clear.

IvanaPee · 21/02/2019 12:43

To her that probably was enough of an effort!

But I think this is all semantics. She can’t or won’t be what you want in a friend.

You can’t or won’t be what she wants in a friend.

So best to leave it. It’s ok to mourn the loss of the friendship and it’s ok not to try to speak to her about it!

Moralitym1n1 · 21/02/2019 12:44

She doesn't sound like good friend material, I'd keep her as an acquaintance if I were you and concentrate on making other friends. Now could be a good time.e Todo it through baby stuff.

Loopytiles · 21/02/2019 12:46

It sounds like her dislike of DC - for whatever reasons - outweighs her desire to see you, a formerly close friend. Sad

In this situation I might try to phone or meet up (without DC) with her from time to time, and would talk a little about my DC/how I was finding motherhood, among many other topics! But “relegate” the friendship. Then if it didn’t work even at that level of contact sadly accept it is over.

Loopytiles · 21/02/2019 12:48

I have a friend who didn’t wish to be around or talk about DC at all, due to fertility issues, and did manage to maintain some level of friendship with her by meeting occasionally without DC. Different to the previous friendship, but still (for me) enjoyable.

Parthenope · 21/02/2019 12:58

I agree with IvanaPee. You are just no longer providing what one another wants in a friendship, and it's natural to be sad about that.

I agree also with a point made earlier that it's likely that neither of your compromises are 'visible' to the other person. It probably doesn't occur to her that you were doing her, as you saw it, an enormous favour by going to see her new flat without your baby on a Saturday night -- it's perfectly possible she thought that getting out without your baby on a traditional 'going out' night was a treat for you, not a sacrifice.

Likewise, it's also perfectly possible she doesn't understand what you actually wanted her to do with your baby when she came over to give you the card and present -- to her, it's just another wizened, slightly alarming-looking bundle she doesn't want to coo over or cuddle.

It seems to me, slightly, as if you expected that your baby would be an exception to her 'not of the slightest interest to me' stance on children, and are resenting the fact that this turns out not to be the case, and you see it as a reflection on your friendship?

Lizzie48 · 21/02/2019 13:32

I would consider the possibility that her childhood wasn't as good as you think it was. Her attitude suggests that babies are a trigger of some kind, her hatred of them really isn't normal. Generally people who don't want children themselves are able to show a polite interest when their friends have children.

I think it would be a shame to throw away 20 years of friendship with this lady. Maybe you'll see her less often while you have a baby, but that's no reason to think the friendship is over.

JenniferJareau · 21/02/2019 13:37

For my best friend to never want to see my child I find this odd ?

She came over with a card and gift yes. But didn’t really look at him

I don’t want her there only when baby strictly isn’t.

Your friend does not like babies one bit, despises them even, she has made that 100% crystal clear. However, through all your posts what you want her to do is have a relationship, however small, with your baby! You seem to think that because you’ve had a baby, she should change her view on your child at least i.e. feign basic interest, but clearly that has not happened.

You’ve said a number of times about going to her house once without your baby. Do you understand that this is what she wants / expects all the time; just you and her (and little or no baby talk)? By inviting her back to your house, I suspect she feels you want to ‘push’ the baby onto her and you secretly hope she will interact just a little. If you suggested a day out shopping or a visit to the cinema, that might have been accepted.

I’m not supporting her actions at all, I think she is being incredibly naive and selfish, I’m just trying to show that what you want from the friendship is not compatible with what she is willing to give. You are a Mum now and that massively changes things for you it is indeed very sad that she cannot change too and is willing to walk away from such a long friendship due to you having a child.

PurpleDaisies · 21/02/2019 13:38

This thread is really familiar.

Musti · 21/02/2019 14:07

She sounds like a narcissist and everything is about her. The going out and having a go at you if the music isn't to her taste and having to leave sounds alarming.

I would actually think this is a great opportunity to have this toxic woman out of your life and never go back.

Original poster
Lightning84 · 21/02/2019 15:47

I understand all opinions here and it is right really that I would have to just accept my best friend doesn’t want to see me if baby is with me.
It’s also true I shouldn’t have expected her to change. It’s just as she said she would like my baby I thought she would try but she obviously felt uncomfortable when she did pop over when he was born.
It’s clear she doesn’t want to know him.
So I either keep her as a friend under these circumstances or I leave it behind further...
it’s not ideal for me that she won’t try and support, I would have loved my best friend to want to know him and do things together but I do understand what some of you are saying. That’s just not her. So I take her or leave her. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so mad about it :( can’t help but feel that right now I don’t know what I’ll do but agree that she isn’t going to change into my ideal best friend

OP posts:
Daisygrills · 21/02/2019 18:15

Its a horrible situation no wonder you are so upset. If she doesnt even answer the phone when you call that says it all. You dont deserve to be treated like this. You had a baby you didnt do anything wrong. This is making you unhappy. Remeber you wont get this precious time with you son bck. So dont spend your time stressing over this. Im sure shes not losing any sleep over you. Cut this toxic person out of your life and concentrate on enjoying being a mum and the new friends you have made. She doesnt sound like a nice person anyway seems to be all me me me. No one would treat their best friend like that. What does your husband think about the situation.

Original poster
Lightning84 · 21/02/2019 18:37

Thank you. My husband thinks I should try again with her, he said it’d be a shame but he also said she does need to be more supportive though - which she doesn’t want to be. Me and her are both as stubborn as each other :( I don’t wanna contact her again as I feel I deserve an apology that she’s not been there as a friend to me the last 6 months. And she is prob there thinking I’m boring now or I won’t make time for her ? Even though I did

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 21/02/2019 18:49

One time you did, as far as she’s concerned.

What is it that you want support with? You’ve said it a few times but what does support mean to you? If it’s an interest in your baby that obviously won’t happen so contacting her again will just prolong your upset.

newroundhere · 21/02/2019 18:59

Just ask her! She's been your best friend for over 20 years so surely you can just call and ask her if she's OK or if there's any problem? Tell her how you feel. Listen to what she says. Then you'll have your answer one way or another and you can move on.

category12 · 21/02/2019 19:05

Why do you keep coming back with the same story?

Lizzie48 · 21/02/2019 19:06

I would give up on looking for an apology, I don't think she believes that she's done anything wrong. You need to decide whether you want her in your life or not. If you fo then you really need to move on.

Haypanky · 21/02/2019 19:18

My best friend of 15yrs ghosted me if that's what people call it, after I had my 2nd child. She'd had a miscarriage a short time before and I wondered if that had contributed. I have found out from her mum that she's moved to London and is with a new man, so essentially she's got a new life and I'm not in it. I still message her sometimes and every now and then she will reply to say she is fine and hopes I'm well. It hurts.