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Original poster

Lost best friend since having a baby

133 replies

Lightning84 · 20/02/2019 12:05

Hi all
I just wanted some advice as I’m really upset, I’ve had a best friend for over 20 years and since I had my son (he’s now 6 months) we aren’t talking anymore.

My friend visited once when he was born, she has no interest in babies so she didn’t really look at him if I’m honest but we caught up for an hour or two.

After that months went by where we texted a bit but not as much as we used to, I had bad anxiety about leaving the house unfortunately with the baby so I wasn’t out and about much. I feel lots better now and slowly getting out more with baby.
My friend didn’t ask to see me again in 5 months, she knew my anxiety was quite bad. I said she was welcome to visit anytime but that I found it hard to leave the house. Sad I know but I have recovered from it :-) finally !

5 months later she moved house so I left baby home with his Dad and one Saturday eve I went to visit her and see her new place. I’d noticed she had no interest in my son or seeing him again so I did my best to not bring him up. I had a nice eve with her.

Since that Saturday evening I’ve not heard from her at all. She said she would come to me next and I gave her a good time and date etc but didn’t hear from her. In 20 years we used to speak almost daily, it’s now been almost 2 months I haven’t heard a thing from her.

I’m upset, i feel it’s clear she doesn’t want to know / see my son - which is fine but she’s not making any effort to see me again at all or even chat to me.

What would you suggest? I’m also angry as it’s been hard becoming a Mum and I had this idea that my best friend of twenty years might support me? Not by babysitting or doing anything for /with my son, but just by seeing me ? It’s hard to explain but I am really let down by her.

If I contact her again (she hadn’t replied to my last message about seeing me next) ... should I ask if she is ok and what’s happening? Or should I skim over it and just see if she replies ?
I’m am sad and the reason I haven’t sent another message is because I’m not sure if this just means this friendship is over and that she’s not a good best friend and I should walk away anyway?

I’ve made some mum friends and other friends have stuck around but when it’s your best friend of so long- it hurts !

OP posts:
Haypanky · 21/02/2019 19:19

We were each others bridesmaids.

Original poster
Lightning84 · 21/02/2019 19:37

By support- I just mean be my friend- contact me, ask how I am. I’ve heard nothing from her. Even if she doesn’t fancy meeting up, a chat would still be nice, I don’t understand why she feels that isn’t comfortable now, but I must admit I no longer feel comfortable to contact her after my last attempts were ignored. If she isn’t texting back or answering the phone I think it’s prob clear that I am gonna waste time continuing to worry about this. I just don’t want to regret this in the future, so still mulling it over and feeling down over it. It’s nice to vent. My friends who know her have said I should give up and she’s not been a good friend to me since I had my son. They know her, and they know me. I just wish I had realised this could have happened, I feel silly now knowing she doesn’t want to be around babies but expecting her to show a small interest in me and mine- to be fair I do take that on board.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lightning84 · 21/02/2019 19:42

I’m sorry to hear that haypanky, some people’s actions make us feel shocked and upset but I’m trying to learn it’s how I react to it. She doesn’t have to be my friend anymore. I just wish she wanted to be even though I’ve had a baby. I could have perhaps tried harder with her at the time... but it was hard enough just adjusting to having a baby and learning the ropes. I gave that 110%, so there is two sides to this. I’m not sure I see a future friendship though, as we have gone months not talking and it does bother me she doesn’t want anything to do with me if my baby is there. Some people would be ok with that, but I am finding it too hard so I think that’s the answer unless I wake up one day and think I’ll accept it and have that friendship if she will

OP posts:
WildUnknown · 21/02/2019 19:48

I haven't got constructive advice but I do have sympathy. My best friend of 20 years -our relationship had begun to falter after she failed to support me in a crisis and she has since ghosted me almost completely since having her first child so I am in your situation in the reverse and I know how shit it isThanks

snoutandab0ut · 21/02/2019 20:06

I really, really, don’t like babies. Their crying is like nails on a blackboard for me, I don’t find them cute, I think they’re quite gross and annoying and I’ve never been so utterly horrified as the time I accidentally got pregnant. However, even I think she’s being a bit shit. I can’t pretend I’d want to go out and do kid stuff like soft play etc if any of my friends had kids (and I’m very glad they don’t) but I would still keep in touch by phone calls etc, ask politely after their children and go for the occasional coffee. I wouldnt be falling over myself offering to babysit but I’d manage to be polite. I think the friendship would change as we wouldn’t really have anything in common and the fact the baby came out of my friend wouldn’t make me suddenly like babies, but I wouldn’t just go silent. She sounds very self absorbed

katelily2017 · 21/02/2019 20:17

@Lightning84 sorry if I sound mean but she sounds like a selfish person and you're better off without her. It's completely rude and selfish of her to not even ask after your baby. Your life has completely changed, and if she has no interest or compassion in understanding what must be one of the biggest changes you'll ever experience in your life then she doesn't sound like a decent friend to me. I'm sure you've supported her through her own highs and lows over the last 20 years.

I wouldn't make an effort with her, she owes it to you to make the effort and if she wants to continue the friendship I would expect her to get in touch and do something that includes you and your baby xxx

Parthenope · 21/02/2019 20:17

I think the friendship would change as we wouldn’t really have anything in common

With luck, by the time any of your friends have children, you'll realise that having a child is only an all-consuming activity at the start. After that we're still the same person, only with a child.

waterrat · 21/02/2019 20:20

hmm not sure why people are taking this womans side - she is being unkind OP and not showing interest in a huge event and change in your life. I would tell her you feel hurt and explain how it has made you feel.

Lizzie48 · 21/02/2019 22:02

I think the friendship would change as we wouldn’t really have anything in common

With luck, by the time any of your friends have children, you'll realise that having a child is only an all-consuming activity at the start. After that we're still the same person, only with a child.

Hear hear! The all consuming period of babyhood really doesn't last long. It's much easier to leave them with babysitters once they sleep through the night. (DD2 always had periods of having disturbed nights, but it didn't affect babysitters as she was always dead to the world at least until midnight.)

Your friends will be the same people that you presumably find like-minded in other ways. And there comes a time when parents start wanting to have some childfree time. Smile

Original poster
Lightning84 · 23/02/2019 15:13

I did try messaging my friend again, I said I was sad I didn’t hear back from her & asked how she Is...
she said she’s just been busy and forgot to reply. We had more of a chat but she did say that she will see me when I can get childcare. I explained that that’s difficult (no family near) it’s just me and husband- he is working long hours making up for my wage missing. She just said it’s not the same now I have a baby and that I seem distracted. It’s an assumption though as she only saw him once 6 months ago when he was newborn?!

Still pretty disappointed if I’m honest, even though she replied

OP posts:
Original poster
Lightning84 · 23/02/2019 15:16

Is this normal for a best friend ? After a baby ? They refuse to see you with baby ever ? Don’t want to know ?

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 23/02/2019 15:17

You’re going to keep being disappointment by her because you keep wanting her to change!

I honestly think you’re choice is to take her as she is, and just accept the fact that she wants nothing to do with your baby, or let the friendship slide. It’s not wrong to walk away from someone who doesn’t want the same thing from the friendship as you do!

IvanaPee · 23/02/2019 15:20

Is this normal for a best friend ? After a baby ? They refuse to see you with baby ever ? Don’t want to know ?

It’s normal for her! There’s no list of “best friend rules” that says you suddenly have to care about babies because your friend has had one!

I’m not sure why you can’t get or accept that but you’ll do yourself no Favours!

Plus, and I say this gently; if you reached out again and she said she will see you alone, and your reaction was excuse after excuse as to why you will have to bring baby, can’t you see why that might be frustrating? Why she’s just keeping her distance instead??

She doesn’t WANT to spend time with your baby. She’s allowed to not want that!

Loopytiles · 23/02/2019 15:20

No, it’s not “normal”, but as PPs have said clearly she has major issues with kids, for reasons we/you don’t know, and only wants to see you without your DS.

Original poster
Lightning84 · 23/02/2019 15:28

I do need to understand. And it will sink in now.
Just sucks going from being so close to now I’ve had a baby she doesn’t wanna be there unless I’m babyless ... I get it now actually but do feel it’s a bit odd and a bit mean. But I am a different person, and you’re right I can’t make rules to what she should and shouldn’t do. At least she distances herself and didn’t have an awful row or go at me if I’ve become self absorbed with baby etc.
I can see her still and make the time, hopefully it won’t be awkward !!! And hopefully I can get over my upset that she isn’t interested in DS / I have learnt she doesn’t have to be

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 23/02/2019 15:30

But you don’t actually have to get over it, either. You have a choice. You can let the friendship go.

I say this because you’re still upset but you’re not obliged to continue a friendship with her.

If you do want to, though, then make sure it’s with your eyes open. If you think you can do it without resentment great! If not, that way drama and upset lies...

Original poster
Lightning84 · 23/02/2019 15:44

I’ve spent two months and more telling myself I’ll give up then, but it’s still been on my mind each day and I’ve missed her. So if I can I’ll try and go see her and I’ll see how I feel, no doubt be awkward at first as things so different

OP posts:
Original poster
Lightning84 · 23/02/2019 15:45

Not a lot to chat about my end though if I don’t mention DS much, I’m not at work, I just do things with him ! I will of course ask her all about what she’s upto though etc

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 23/02/2019 15:47

Not a lot to chat about my end though if I don’t mention DS much, I’m not at work, I just do things with him ! I will of course ask her all about what she’s upto though etc

That’s not fair though, is it? Is that really what you want? You have to ask her about herself but walk on eggshells so you don’t mention your son?

Cause I’m not defending her or saying she’s right, make no mistake!

If you think she’s worth all of that ^^ then have at it! But you’re putting yourself out a lot really!

AgentJohnson · 23/02/2019 15:53

I would question a friendship supposedly as close as yours, where both parties are apparently reluctant to talk to each other about their feelings. There could be a crappy excuse or an understandable reason for your friend’s behaviour but you won’t find out by wringing you hands and ranting on MN.

splishsplosh35 · 23/02/2019 16:02

I lost my best friend too, I haven't seen her for 2 years, she's never even met my son....very very sad but she showed her true colours and there's nothing I can do about it. I sympathise OP xx

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 23/02/2019 16:05

Well of course you're distracted - that's what the early years are like with children, esp when they're babies. She sounds very self-centred and a bit dense, frankly, if she can't understand that your focus has (and should have!) changed from her to him. I think I'd have to respond about being distracted; something like "Well of course I'm distracted - that's what happens with babies! It's early days and he takes up a lot of my head, which I think is pretty normal. I'm sure it'll improve as he gets older xxx".

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 23/02/2019 16:06

Note that my reply does not include an apology. You have done nothing wrong!

Original poster
Lightning84 · 23/02/2019 16:07

Tough one... me talking about baby stuff will bore her, she doesn’t care, she’s prob the wrong friend to choose for those conversations? But as I’ve admitted- not much else going on for me. I have a feeling the friendship won’t go back to how close we were and unfortunately me having a baby and entering a new life stage has caused this. Which sucks ! But she’s not asking me to do anything different to what I used to do.
Yes I agree it’s questionable I am finding it hard to open up to my very best friend, it’s never been this way before. I think it’s cause I knew the answer and my problem is with me and my expectations of our friendship since I had my son. I did want her there, to visit, not help, just visit and not mind him being pushed around a shopping centre now and then. But she isn’t up for that so I’ve held in my upset over it as maybe I knew deep down she didn’t sign up to be hanging out with a baby too when we meet sometimes

OP posts:
Original poster
Lightning84 · 23/02/2019 16:09

Thank you ! That’s actually a really good reply xx

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