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Original poster

Affairs - You need to read this and not ruin your life like me

339 replies

stopwhatyouaredoing · 19/02/2019 17:56

If you are having an affair you need to read this.
I have had a sexual affair with a colleague for 2 years. It wasn't love, we didn't want to leave our partners. She wasn't that happy at home and was bored sexually. For me, it was an ego boost and made me feel wanted as myself and my partner were trying to conceive and I couldn't tell her I thought she as losing feelings for me because I couldn't get her pregnant and that I was failing her. Absolutely stupid I know, but that is the truth of the matter. There was a sexual chemistry, which I should made sure we kept in check but I didn't.
It was snatched moments at lunchtimes, after work sometimes, or on work nights out, but towards the end it got riskier at her home too. The thing is I felt trapped in this affair. It was like a gambling addiction. I craved the highs but hated the lows. I let my partner down in the biggest way ever, I didn't make her priority anymore.

At the end of summer last year, her husband found out and I was relieved. It was over, and could try and work on my relationship. However he told my partner all about it sharing messages that really didn't need to be read and that was it. The house on the market and plans to move on.

The enormity of what I had done, and lost hit me like a tonne of bricks. The woman who had given me her all and heart was devastated, and also relieved as she had suspected for so long.
Me...I was just devastated at what I had done. I was losing her, the woman I love, losing my home, losing the life I loved. The biggest thing though was the pain. I was in pain at what I had caused for her. I had never realised that you could feel the pain you caused to someone else until now.

I am now living alone, hating myself, hating my life and its all what I caused by being stupid. I am low, and have even thought of suicide on some days as it's difficult to cope with my actions and the pain it has caused.

If you are having an affair, or close to one. Please PLEASE, think again, think about what pain you will cause to others, think about how you would feel if done to you, and I mean really think about it. I can tell you I would of made so many different choices knowing how I feel now.

OP posts:
smileandbekind · 22/02/2019 11:32

You will get a lot of hysterical, sanctimonious harpies here.

Could not agree more...

I came on here a few months ago with a similar problem - I have never been in so much pain in my life, felt so so alone and lost, and I was reaching out just to see if there was anyone else out there who understood and if they had any advice.. and instead I was torn to absolute shreds. I shut down my laptop and cried and cried.

smileandbekind · 22/02/2019 11:34

But clearly some people just get off on tearing other people apart...

O4FS · 22/02/2019 11:35

Says the person who came on and told us we were unfuckable. 🙄

Theyhavejugglers · 22/02/2019 11:40

I am a woman. Nowhere am I saying all women are hysterical harpies. But some who are making the comments on here definitely are behaving like hysterical harpies. The worst part is that some of them don't care. Wouldn't so much as offer a cuppa to the cheated wife. It's all about making yourself feel better by crying outrage.

O4FS · 22/02/2019 11:42

Yup. Women can be misogynistic too FYI

Theyhavejugglers · 22/02/2019 11:42

" we don't want to be patronised by some bloke...". Fair enough. Why respond at all then? All those posts claiming it's all done for attention. Maybe ignore the OP then? But no. Not as fun as writing insults that people would never dare use face to face.

Theyhavejugglers · 22/02/2019 11:44

Really? Well, I never.

youknowmedontyou · 22/02/2019 11:52

@Theyhavejugglers I'd say it to this blokes face! No problem.

Her husband shouldn't of shown the texts, she didn't need to read them....no, the OP should not have written them!

O4FS · 22/02/2019 11:56

I’d quite happily express my intolerance of such selfish, hurtful behaviour in person. I have very little time for people who tear their families apart for shits and giggles and then expect a sympathetic ear.

Al2O3 · 22/02/2019 12:01

You do know OP a LOT of people do not need your advice. They can say NO from a position of strength and never get compromised.

HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame · 22/02/2019 12:05

I’ve done some things I’m not proud of-not been a paragon of virtue. But come on mate. Two years. That’s not a misstep. You didn’t make a mistake, you lied for two years!

Sistersofmercy101 · 22/02/2019 12:08

Two years. You carried this on for two years, stringing along your wife who was trying for a baby. Then when it ended you object that the cuckolded husband blew your cover with your wife because you wanted to go back to her (presumably never telling her what went on?)
No. I think absolute condemnation of this behaviour is the correct response because your wife deserved none of your deceit, betrayal and lies. Only by absolute condemnation of this behaviour can we set the standard - so no I don't think any form of sympathy is appropriate, I will not say "its ok, everyone makes mistakes, live and let live " because that sends the message that it's ok and it's NOT.

Magpiefeather · 22/02/2019 13:26

The thing I don’t understand about affairs is that it isn’t just one illjudged decision. It’s hundreds and hundreds (in your case thousands and possibly millions over 2 years) of tiny decisions. Surely your partner pops into your head? You could literally stop it at any time. The moment you felt the heart flutter. The moment you started flirting. The lean in for the first kiss. Mid kiss. Any kiss. While you’re taking your trousers off. Could’ve just said NO. SURELY your partner pops into your head, and you’d have known how upset your partner would be if she knew. How was that not enough? What made you feel “trapped” in the affair?

sagradafamiliar · 22/02/2019 13:27

Smileandbekind what a hypocrite! I've never laughed out loud at sheer hypocrisy before, the 'try taking a leaf out of my book of kindness, you set of unattractive bitches' was a real belter- cheers!

snowdrop6 · 22/02/2019 13:31

Serves you right .

sagradafamiliar · 22/02/2019 13:32

And the other misogynist one as well, what a chuckle.
Get in the OP's inbox and soothe him, the poor misunderstood man whose needs are so neglected, like the type of women you really are.

snowdrop6 · 22/02/2019 13:34

Plus ..this is mumsnet ...for mums ..go spout your crap on dads net .

whereisthepostman · 22/02/2019 13:37

'For those of you who have never been in this position - for the SAHMs and the women who don't work with men, or the women who, quite frankly, no-one would be interested in having an affair with anyway (I suspect a wide number of you fall into this category) you cannot possibly judge this man because you have never, ever been in this position.'

I'm a SAHM, tell me more about my life please, it's so interesting to read what positions I have and haven't been in.

If you think there's a woman alive who couldn't get a fuck if they wanted you're really rather stupid.

RolaColaAllTheWay · 22/02/2019 13:38

I suggest you get off MN pronto. Were you really expecting sympathy, understanding or a hand-hold? You are getting slayed, rightly or wrongly. There were 2 people involved in this affair. You could have stopped it at any time.

youknowmedontyou · 22/02/2019 13:44

*@smileandbekind

But clearly some people just get off on tearing other people apart...*

Yeah they're called adulterers!! Oh course you'd side with the OP, you're cut from the same cloth....vile people, who want to cry when they get caught!

smileandbekind · 22/02/2019 14:07

I'm a woman actually... So get off your man-beating high horses..

And what's more - I have been in a relationship where I was in the one being cheated on so I know exactly what it's like. I also don't regard my ex-partner as a 'vile monster' - he is one of the kindest people I know. We had a lot of problems at the time, and it was a symptom, not the cause of our break-up. He crucified himself over what happened, he became utterly depressed. It is just not as simple as you're making out = man cheats, man is bad man and deserves to suffer forever.

Surfingtheweb · 22/02/2019 14:11

My heart is bleeding for you......... not Hmm

sagradafamiliar · 22/02/2019 14:39

Smile it's clear you're a woman from your posts, you didn't 'get' anyone.
Unfortunately the rest of your paragraph just didn't happen. No one has said that the OP is 'bad' and should suffer forever. Have you actually read the responses? You're projecting hugely I'm afraid.

Robin2323 · 22/02/2019 15:29

I do think all affairs are symptoms of problems in the relationship.
Seen it so many time pan out in

Rl.
And yes people should talk to each other and sort out their problems. But they don't.
It's all really sad.

There are never any winners in affairs.

But the only way is forward so.
And time is the best healer.

It's happened. Learn from it and move to better things wiser
And stronger.

IvanaPee · 22/02/2019 15:40

If you really posted this to warn others off you’re wasting your breath I’m afraid.

The way I see it; (if you’re a cheater)

you either don’t give a shit (like you didn’t before you were caught)

or you believe you’re a star crossed lover and misunderstood and your affair is different to the countless other ones.

So your advice will fall on deaf ears!