Affairs - You need to read this and not ruin your life like me

[stopwhatyouaredoing]

If you are having an affair you need to read this.
I have had a sexual affair with a colleague for 2 years. It wasn't love, we didn't want to leave our partners. She wasn't that happy at home and was bored sexually. For me, it was an ego boost and made me feel wanted as myself and my partner were trying to conceive and I couldn't tell her I thought she as losing feelings for me because I couldn't get her pregnant and that I was failing her. Absolutely stupid I know, but that is the truth of the matter. There was a sexual chemistry, which I should made sure we kept in check but I didn't.
It was snatched moments at lunchtimes, after work sometimes, or on work nights out, but towards the end it got riskier at her home too. The thing is I felt trapped in this affair. It was like a gambling addiction. I craved the highs but hated the lows. I let my partner down in the biggest way ever, I didn't make her priority anymore.

At the end of summer last year, her husband found out and I was relieved. It was over, and could try and work on my relationship. However he told my partner all about it sharing messages that really didn't need to be read and that was it. The house on the market and plans to move on.

The enormity of what I had done, and lost hit me like a tonne of bricks. The woman who had given me her all and heart was devastated, and also relieved as she had suspected for so long.
Me...I was just devastated at what I had done. I was losing her, the woman I love, losing my home, losing the life I loved. The biggest thing though was the pain. I was in pain at what I had caused for her. I had never realised that you could feel the pain you caused to someone else until now.

I am now living alone, hating myself, hating my life and its all what I caused by being stupid. I am low, and have even thought of suicide on some days as it's difficult to cope with my actions and the pain it has caused.

If you are having an affair, or close to one. Please PLEASE, think again, think about what pain you will cause to others, think about how you would feel if done to you, and I mean really think about it. I can tell you I would of made so many different choices knowing how I feel now.

I have been the crapped on person , all I can say is that however the OP feels , the problem is that it’s nigh on impossible to feel quite the same about someone once it has happened however much you may want to. You can stay and paper over cracks but they are still there. He made a huge mistake, he is paying for it quite rightly in his own pain, but I don’t think there is a need to be quite so nasty. It’s not as if he came on saying ‘don’t regret it one bit’ . I think the best response is ‘whatever’ and ‘move on’ . Hope your wife gets her fairy tell ending .

I agree with you user1479305498. No one is going to congratulate OP or think he is the victim here. Doesn't mean we have to take joy in kicking him.

2 years. If you work a five day week with 28 days of leave a year, you lied to your wife at least 466 times. Let’s leave the times you messaged her while with your wife, thought about her and ignored the woman you professed to care for. You looked her in the eyes and pretended to love her whilst potentially having just screwed your mistress. And you have the bloody audacity to come here and patronise us after you literally fucked your life away? Boo-fucking-hoo, in the words of another poster. I do sincerely hope you’re hurting now, so that you a) realise what you put your poor wife through & b) never fucking do this again.

The OP could have had a quick squizz at the Relationship boards here before putting his penis into someone else and saved himself and his partner a lot of anguish.

@O4FS he wasn't interested in anything else apart from getting his penis into another woman back then....it only changed when his wife found out!

OP, you're giving advice that nobody needs. Everybody already knows that having a two year affair is a fucking scumbag shitty twattish disgustingly twisted thing to do to your partner. Everybody knows that abusing a partner in this way is terribly harmful to them. You knew. You just didn't give a shit until your partner left you and you lost something yourself. Maybe your advice would have been more authentic if it'd been along the lines of "It's more likely your partner will find you out than you think". Completely self absorbed, and consistent with your behaviour towards your wife.

Not once have I said this isn’t my fault and a cause of my actions, not once. It’s not OW hubbys fault either (even though he’d done the same), that’s my fault that I and OW put him in the position that he had to tell her.
I’m surprised at the nasty hatred though. I’m not an evil monster, I’m a normal guy, people are shocked at my behaviour, but I am a twat for what I’ve done and I do deserve what I’m getting now. Call it karma if you want.
I’ll be honest, I’m struggling to cope with what I’ve done to her, and I’m seeking professional help for this and my other dark feelings.
I’m just trying to understand how she must be feeling at what I’ve done to her. Is that such a bad thing really?

smileandbekind you are a cheater then? You seem to assume women who haven't either aren't attractive enough, or do meet any men?

As if your post wasn't meant to be goady.

Fwiw, I am neither and I manage to not shag anyone behinds dps back. It's quite incredible.

Take some time to read the threads of the women who are seeking support from strangers on the internet because of the devestation caused by the man they love.

Look at how many are going/have been through it. They are all the same as your XW.

You dont need to post a warning, we know cheating is devestating.

We know how awful your wife feels.
We know how your betrayal hurts to the point it feels like physical pain.
We know how it feels to not be able to function but have to get up and do it anyway.
We know how to lie to our children so they don’t know the real reason because that would hurt them even more.
We know what it’s like to have to sit through counselling, mediation, solicitors.
We fucking know.

I’m surprised at the nasty hatred though.

Are you? I mean you keep saying how abhorrent your actions were so are you really surprised?

I’m just trying to understand how she must be feeling at what I’ve done to her. Is that such a bad thing really?

By starting this thread? None of us can tell you how she feels. You said you started it to warn people off. Is that not the case?

I’m confused because you seem to be seeking sympathy whilst saying that you’re not. What exactly do you want from the thread?

Well Op you've certainly taken a pasting here and I really get why tbf.

An affair is one of the cruellest most selfish acts you can do. And you did it for 2 years and it only stopped when someone found out. You didn't end it, nor did she.
You say your wife suspected, so she had a miserable 2 years wondering what was really going on and if her husband really loved her or not. She would be unhappy, lose confidence, trust and faith in other people. Yes, it would come as a relief to her to discover the truth and give her a chance to make decisions based on facts not lies

OW, well she got some cheap thrills but this is not about her is it?

You are miserable now, and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and believe you are merely trying to prevent others feeling pain. Maybe you are.

Please do not jump into another relationship before doing some serious soul searching. Maybe take some counselling and see why you behaved in such a cruel manner. Do this in order to grow and learn and hopefully never repeat. If a relationship is dull, boring or in trouble, talk to your partner see if you can work through problems together, fairly. Jumping into someone else's new shiny pants is never the solution. It's just destroying everyone involved in the sorry little mess.

I say this with conflicting feelings as I know a man who cheated on his partner for 5 years and also had an on/off fb arrangement for ELEVEN years. He's ill now and still with his partner who only ever knew about the fb. I really like him but am deeply troubled by his past as it makes him a real sh!t and not the kind person I know now.

I know I started it as a warning mistakenly. That’s because I’d like to think it could stop just one person making the biggest mistake of there life. I’m certainly not after sympathy

Posting on a forum largely populated by mothers.

We haven’t got time for affairs.

I really don’t understand why you have done this on MN, but you should put a trigger warning in your title. It’s made me really, really angry.

Is your wife on MN? Is that why?

Is that you STBXH??

Maybe it is, maybe not. Il never know. They all seem to spout the same shite. All so sorry and devastated by it all, once they have been caught. Although I have to say you have the extra twat points for doing it alongside ivf.

I wish your wife all the luck in the world, I hope she moves on and finds someone loyal that she can actually trust and believe. If you haven't left her so emotionally damaged she can't. I hope you haven't wasted her time and she manages to become a mum, to some man that actually deserves it.

And I hope you meet someone who you think is that wonderful. Then I hope she does the same to you.

Then and only then will you have even the tiniest idea of what she's feeling now. It's a very arrogant view to think you understand what this will have done to your wife.

If she is on here and you were hoping this would be some sort of romantic gesture, you’re way out of line. Just FYI.

I know I started it as a warning mistakenly.

So you accidentally warned people?

I’m certainly not after sympathy

It kind of seems like you do since you’re all hurt and surprised at some of the harsh replies!

Can I ask, why did you do it?
Why wreck your life so much?

No she’s not on here and nor is OW

bullyingadvice2017....your name says it all after that post and proves you’ve not read or understood all I’ve said

*I really don’t understand why you have done this on MN, but you should put a trigger warning in your title. It’s made me really, really angry.

Is your wife on MN? Is that why?*

I've been wondering that all along.

Is he doing it independently to try to manipulate her,not did she ask him to do it as part of counseling/penance?

Op had refused to answer that in spite of by numerous comments on the subject.

bullyingadvice2017....your name says it all after that post and proves you’ve not read or understood all I’ve said

Ok, this is what I mean? Her username says it all? Why? Because she’s told you how hurtful it is and that she hopes you experience it?

Why would you (essentially) call her a bully if you’re not looking for sympathy?

What exactly do you want from the thread?

Ivanapee her post is bullying. Plus we didn’t have ivf etc. They’re just assuming, which I’ve realised is like most on here.
THIS IS ALL MY FUCKING FAULT OK. Just so there’s no ambiguity about this.
But I’m human, I’ve got feelings, I can look back in horror at my actions, and think why. I can feel heartbroken at what I’ve done, I can feel like shit for hurting her so much

I know exactly how your wife feeling my ex is a twat like you did the same thing to me, i met someone else and i'm really happy, can't say the same for my ex,

My ex died, and I had him calling a lot saying sorry, but I could never cheat on someone I loved.
So does that mean you didn't love your wife as much as you thought, as you were willing to cheat for two years.

Oh I understand what your saying, I really do. It's the sort of self pitying shite I get off my stbxh all the time.

Why so upset by my post? Because that's a horrible thing to happen to you if it calms true? But thats what you did to her!! Cant you see that is what you deserve.

He feels sooo bad and he's soo sorry. Fucking pull the other one. If you were sorry or capable of feeling the kind of stuff you say you are you would have felt like that the very first time you knew you had disrespected your wife and looked her in the face and lied.
You didn't tho, you got off on getting away with it and kept on going. For 2 fucking years! You can say many things, actions speak louder.

The way your posts are going I'm imagining your wife and you are getting on fine as she maybe knows to get that house sold as easily as possible to get rid of you. Don't kid yourself. Mine thinks I'm his friend... because it's best for the kids to not be at each other's throats. Truth is I know he is a lying, manipulative, cheating pig.

Also how do you know your wife or ow arnt on here? Because if your stalking them online now I really think it's you marky boy!!