Affairs - You need to read this and not ruin your life like me

[stopwhatyouaredoing]

If you are having an affair you need to read this.
I have had a sexual affair with a colleague for 2 years. It wasn't love, we didn't want to leave our partners. She wasn't that happy at home and was bored sexually. For me, it was an ego boost and made me feel wanted as myself and my partner were trying to conceive and I couldn't tell her I thought she as losing feelings for me because I couldn't get her pregnant and that I was failing her. Absolutely stupid I know, but that is the truth of the matter. There was a sexual chemistry, which I should made sure we kept in check but I didn't.
It was snatched moments at lunchtimes, after work sometimes, or on work nights out, but towards the end it got riskier at her home too. The thing is I felt trapped in this affair. It was like a gambling addiction. I craved the highs but hated the lows. I let my partner down in the biggest way ever, I didn't make her priority anymore.

At the end of summer last year, her husband found out and I was relieved. It was over, and could try and work on my relationship. However he told my partner all about it sharing messages that really didn't need to be read and that was it. The house on the market and plans to move on.

The enormity of what I had done, and lost hit me like a tonne of bricks. The woman who had given me her all and heart was devastated, and also relieved as she had suspected for so long.
Me...I was just devastated at what I had done. I was losing her, the woman I love, losing my home, losing the life I loved. The biggest thing though was the pain. I was in pain at what I had caused for her. I had never realised that you could feel the pain you caused to someone else until now.

I am now living alone, hating myself, hating my life and its all what I caused by being stupid. I am low, and have even thought of suicide on some days as it's difficult to cope with my actions and the pain it has caused.

If you are having an affair, or close to one. Please PLEASE, think again, think about what pain you will cause to others, think about how you would feel if done to you, and I mean really think about it. I can tell you I would of made so many different choices knowing how I feel now.

@Moralitym1n1

Here's a 👏 icon for you 😊!

For @stopwhatyouaredoing, enjoy your microwave meal for one this evening!

You probably have someone who’s giving you their all, their heart and you’re taking it for granted. Stop and just think how you’d feel

Unlike you, and your roaming penis, the majority of adults in marriages and relationships are fully aware of how much effort and love goes into making a successful relationship, and are giving just as much back. Really, really try your best not to judge others by your own shitty standards.

Instead of patronising people who don't have issues keeping to their marriage vows, perhaps write a list of "Shit I Must Not Do" and stick it on your fridge. Number one on your list could be "don't fuck anyone but the person I'm meant to love", number two absolutely has to be "don't write patronising bollocks online when in reality I'm the dick in need of the life lessons". Number three might be "switch off the internet whenever I'm drinking Jamiesons and feeling maudlin that my DW no longer wants me and my riddled cock".

Would you like a hug to make you feel better? @stopwhatyouaredoing

oh do give over, you'd still be balls deep in the OW if her husband hadn't blown you both out of the water

but you know what if you want to rewrite history and be sorry you crack on, no one cares. Not about you or your sorry

How does that feel?

You know, I might have upgraded my violin from teeny tiny to teeny, if the title was “please read this” and not “you have to read this”.

It says a lot about you.

Op she will not be moving on like nothing has happened. Believe me. My partner put me through this. She will just not let you in to see the devastation.

How is she feeling? We were getting on so well whilst selling our home and been friends up till a few few weeks ago. I miss her and everything about

She was probably being as nice to you as she could stomach whilst the finances were being settled- wise woman. And now- see ya!
Or possibly you still had some kind of hold over her and she went along with the 'let's be friends why have bitterness?' shtick. But now it's clicked with her: why have a disloyal friend if you don't want a disloyal partner? Nothing is tying you to her. I don't doubt she's moved on, it happens every day.

She's probably blissfully shagging someone else and has no tone for you now. Ah well, shit happens. Did OW and her husband stay together?

So, you behaved badly, and now you want everyone on here to validate your feelings.

Just get on with your new life and try to be a better person.

And THIS is exactly why I don’t understand when women are advised here to “keep out of it” when they discover an affair and not tell the other woman’s partner he is also being cheated on.

I think they say this because they are having affairs themselves.

OP you get no sympathy from me, but I bet if a woman had wrote this she would get sympathy. Which is sad.

You think we don’t know this?

Is it a surprise to you that your affair fucked up lives? Are you that naive?

Jeez. Get your head out of your arse and fuck off with your mansplaining of consequences.

I don’t think if a woman wrote this it would make a difference. It’s still stating what is fucking obvious.

Well, she might have been faking it until everything was sorted.

Or, she may have been like me. After YEARS of soul destroying suspicion, I was very unhappy. And my husband had been such a fucking cunt cheating on me and making me feel that way, then any feelings of love I had for him had been well and truly trashed by him.

So when the end came, I was actually very light - actually understood the phrase “a weight lifted”. I was just so damn glad that the awful life I’d been living was OVER, that I found it pretty easy to be friendly. I was running on Adrenalin too.

Then, about 6 months later (still contact due to child) he said something that you’d probably think was innocuous, but it reminded me what a complete and utter cunt he was 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your ex may have gone through similar.

Bottom line though, you fucked her over, you’ve lost any right to weep and wail for sympathy about her not wanting to be besties now.

Leave her alone, stop patronising other people on line, and go do something about your OWN behaviour - we’ll worry about our own, ta

Wow I can't believe the amount of hate on here for OP.

Firstly, im sick of all you holier-than-thou "I've never put a foot wrong in life" judgy so and so's who come out of the woodwork when anyone comes to ask or say anything that isn't 100% vanilla. Pull your heads in.

Secondly, the fact that OP is male seems to bring this behavior out 10 fold.

I for one know that relationships are not black and white. many others here know that too.

And apart from anything else, this is a person who, regardless of his previous actions, clearly needs some support right now. All you lot can do is sling mud. For shame.

I pray all of you never do anything stupid or are in need of support, with the way you treat others on here

I don’t think if a woman wrote this it would make a difference. It’s still stating what is fucking obvious.

Oh I know it's obvious, but honestly I've seen women on here admit to cheating and some posters actually sympathise and say it wasn't their fault and their husband drove them to it. Watch out for other threads on women cheating, you'll see what I mean. It's quite disgraceful.

Doing something wrong ONCE is "stupid"

Doing something wrong for TWO YEARS is knowingly doing it and therefore no longer becomes a MISTAKE

He's only upset he was caught, he's only upset the OW husband showed his wife the text messages.

I do agree thay some posters on mn are far more sympathetic to women cheating. But not all of us are.

This post is so self indulgent. I mean, come on, who didn't know that fucking someone behind your partners back could explode in spectacular fashion, right in your face?

Why would we need to be told this. The ops of these sort of threads, men and women, knew it. They didn't care. They cared more about getting their jollies, than they cared about their partner or pretty much anything else. There is also a sense of huge amounts of ego, that they thought they could do it and they would never get found out. Their partners were to stupid, trusting, in love to notice. And the affair partners, partners were the same.

They knew the risk but didn't give a fuck as long as they got what they wanted.

No one needs the risks explaining. We know them. It just depends on wether you are a person who thinks what they want trumps everyone else involved.

How is she feeling? We were getting on so well whilst selling our home and been friends up till a few few weeks ago. I miss her and everything about - oh you poor thing! Poor, poor you, you must be feeling awful, after the way you have been treated.

That horrible OW, leading you by the dick for 2 years. That awful OWs DH, spreading nasty things about you (that you had texted to her). That nasty Exwife of yours, leaving you (over nothing, amiright?) and having a large, scumbag-shaped weight lifted off her.

You poor thing. I am so full of sympathy.

me88 - you can't believe the amount of hate for a cheating scumbag who is blaming literally everyone but himself for having shat all over his own life?

He wanted more sex/attention/babies. Innocent wife is not providing so he goes looking elsewhere and you don't think this is worth judging? You obviously don't think a 'decent' person would break up with the wife/partner first, but I do. This oP is not, therefore a decent person. More - he is a self-pitying arrogant twat who cannot believe that everyone in the world isn't there to make his life sweeter.

In fact, I can't believe that this twat is so thick to think that. No one can be that thick. I'm beginning to wonder if he's playing with us.

I do think those two random posts feeling sorry for him are somehow connected to him.

A typical narcissistic trait, to crave any form of attention. To keep this thread going feeds into his desire.

No man would just post all this on here, if it.,

A) wasn't for his wife to see
B) wasn't for his OW to see
C) craved attention in a narcissist way.

Jesus... I can't understand most of you people... You profess to be a kind and supportive community, but to this man - who sounds like he's been punished enough for his mistakes and is literally suicidal- you tear him apart like a pack of wolves. Why? Does it make you all feel better about your own insecurities?
He didn't kill anyone - he had an affair. It happens, all the time, every day, and good people do have affairs too. Otherwise half the population would be considered 'evil'. We are all imperfect, complex human beings who make mistakes, who hurt people, who get caught up in addictive behaviour that we know is wrong, and it kills us, but we can't stop. Would you be saying the same to a smoker who had lung cancer?
I hope vilifying this man has made you all feel better about yourselves. The truth is that no-one can judge anyone unless they've been in exactly the same situation. I don't think anyone can underestimate the perfect storm of an unhappy point in a relationship occurring at the same time that you might happen to make friends/notice someone at work, you click, you start confiding... and the whole same story happens. Again and again. For those of you who have never been in this position - for the SAHMs and the women who don't work with men, or the women who, quite frankly, no-one would be interested in having an affair with anyway (I suspect a wide number of you fall into this category) you cannot possibly judge this man because you have never, ever been in this position.

Affairs hurt lives.

That’s the top and bottom of it.

for the SAHMs and the women who don't work with men, or the women who, quite frankly, no-one would be interested in having an affair with anyway (I suspect a wide number of you fall into this category) you cannot possibly judge this man because you have never, ever been in this position.

And you can fuck off.

Hmm. One thing I have learned is that although there are some sensible, clever comments on mumsnet, there are also a lot of sad people who just jump on every opportunity to tear people to pieces. And that have the hypocrisy to say it's because they are decent and they care about the victims. People don't care about your wife's feelings, but oh don't they love the chance to say " poor her, you are an arsehole for saying you are sorry ". If you want sympathy talk to real people with real lives. You will get a lot of hysterical, sanctimonious harpies here.

Yes women are hysterical harpies same old misogynistic bullshit.

Quite simply we don’t want to be patronised by some bloke telling us what we already know.

Now off you fuck too.