Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Affairs - You need to read this and not ruin your life like me

339 replies

stopwhatyouaredoing · 19/02/2019 17:56

If you are having an affair you need to read this.
I have had a sexual affair with a colleague for 2 years. It wasn't love, we didn't want to leave our partners. She wasn't that happy at home and was bored sexually. For me, it was an ego boost and made me feel wanted as myself and my partner were trying to conceive and I couldn't tell her I thought she as losing feelings for me because I couldn't get her pregnant and that I was failing her. Absolutely stupid I know, but that is the truth of the matter. There was a sexual chemistry, which I should made sure we kept in check but I didn't.
It was snatched moments at lunchtimes, after work sometimes, or on work nights out, but towards the end it got riskier at her home too. The thing is I felt trapped in this affair. It was like a gambling addiction. I craved the highs but hated the lows. I let my partner down in the biggest way ever, I didn't make her priority anymore.

At the end of summer last year, her husband found out and I was relieved. It was over, and could try and work on my relationship. However he told my partner all about it sharing messages that really didn't need to be read and that was it. The house on the market and plans to move on.

The enormity of what I had done, and lost hit me like a tonne of bricks. The woman who had given me her all and heart was devastated, and also relieved as she had suspected for so long.
Me...I was just devastated at what I had done. I was losing her, the woman I love, losing my home, losing the life I loved. The biggest thing though was the pain. I was in pain at what I had caused for her. I had never realised that you could feel the pain you caused to someone else until now.

I am now living alone, hating myself, hating my life and its all what I caused by being stupid. I am low, and have even thought of suicide on some days as it's difficult to cope with my actions and the pain it has caused.

If you are having an affair, or close to one. Please PLEASE, think again, think about what pain you will cause to others, think about how you would feel if done to you, and I mean really think about it. I can tell you I would of made so many different choices knowing how I feel now.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 23/02/2019 10:04

Aye, serious depression because you selfishly can’t have what you want any more. I think I’d have developed the depression when I was cheating for two years.

If you’re depressed, a more appropriate place for you to be is your GP’s waiting room.

Starfish · 23/02/2019 10:05

Her pain: the person she thought she could trust most in the world was betraying her for two years.

Your pain: you got caught and can no longer have your cake and eat it.

They are not the same.

SandyY2K · 23/02/2019 10:07

Hi OP, are you who I think you are? I recognise the details and we've spoken a few times if you are.

I've not read the whole thread.

Sorry you're not in a good way. Reach out if you need to.

PortiaCastis · 23/02/2019 10:11

What a shame you're suffering, what about the marriages you've wrecked and the people involved just because your dick led your brains. Your wife and the other husband are also suffering and I'm surprised he didn't thump you one as that's what you and your errant cock deserve

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 23/02/2019 10:16

I don't get the being pleased it was finally over when your affair partner's DH found out - you didn't need anyone except for yourself to end it!!

JFDIJFDIJFDI · 23/02/2019 10:19

I think the OP has taken enough of a battering on here now. OP your original post was misguided in terms of offering advice to MN, but I think you should go and seek help privately. I hope you learn from this and never do it to anyone else.

Now go and rebuild your life and be happy... you only get one shot at it.

Lizzie48 · 23/02/2019 10:27

OP, I seriously would hide the thread if this is getting too much. It's not going to suddenly become more supportive, cheaters always get a hard time on these boards. And your opening post did come across as goady.

If you're as depressed as you say, this really isn't the place to come to for help. You need some RL support, preferably from a therapist.

SandyY2K · 23/02/2019 10:32

There's an awful lot of judgement on here and unnecessary harsh unsupportive comments.

He's already feeling down and whilst that was of his own making, these comments aren't helpful.

The OP is simply saying the affair ruined his life. It's a bit of advice to others in affairs or who may be thinking of it.... but OP... nobody in an affair will listen because of the highs. Getting caught is the only thing that stops it.

You can attest to that...because I told you exactly what would happen if your GF found out and it was just like I said...but you were too caught up in it at the time.

So while you come from a good place, nobody in an affair that I've pointed out the consequences to has ever stopped. Its ended, because the OM/OW ended it or because they got caught.

Like I said earlier.... I'm here.

sagradafamiliar · 23/02/2019 10:33

No, no, no. Cheating doesn't cause mental health issues. How insulting.
You're feeling depressed because you're unhappy in your life right now and you need to fix it, its situational and reactive. This is no chemical imbalance, if you were mentally ill, you'd have been ill before this.
You've been very underhand here, and are clutching at straws to gain sympathy. There is no end to your selfishness. Work on it.

showerpower · 23/02/2019 10:34

It's called guilt

grinningcheshirecat · 23/02/2019 10:38

I’m now suffering serious depression and mental health issues and that is what my warning is for.

Why do you think you need to warn us? Do you seriously think that most people think that they can have an affair for years and just get away with it forever without anyones feelings getting hurt? Or that they can just dump the affair, no feelings hurt and the OW won't spill the beans? What are you thinking exactly? Serious question.

bobstersmum · 23/02/2019 10:39

Awww you poor thing! How dreadful for you. I hope your dick falls off.

SoupDragon · 23/02/2019 10:51

🎻

Original poster
stopwhatyouaredoing · 23/02/2019 10:58

SandyY2k yes it’s me

OP posts:
Yabbers · 23/02/2019 10:59

I’m surprised at the nasty hatred though. I’m not an evil monster, I’m a normal guy, people are shocked at my behaviour, but I am a twat for what I’ve done and I do deserve what I’m getting now.
The hatred is actually more because you think it’s necessary to come and warn us all not to do what you did. As if it isn’t blatantly obvious that fucking another woman is a really bad idea.

Also, the hatred is because you’ve ruined your Ex’s life but all you can think about is how shit it is for you.

Normal guys don’t fuck other women.

ravenmum · 23/02/2019 11:05

@stopwhatyouaredoin I can't be bothered to read the thread so this is just my take on your OP.

  1. People having an affair right now are not going to listen to your advice. For the same reason that you didn't think about the consequences when you were having an affair. We humans are very, very good at ignoring inconvenient truths.
  2. When your partner has an affair, it hurts horribly, but it's not all negative. For some time I wanted to die, reading the negative things my exh wrote even about how we met 20 years before, or marriage and having our children. But because of that pain I saw a therapist and got help for some long-term issues I wouldn't otherwise have dealt with. The pain does go away. And I have now had the opportunity to meet other men and find out what other types of relationships are possible. I would say that my emotional life is far more satisfying now. This is not to let you off the hook. You were an idiot.
  3. Your wife is not some poor little puppy who gave you everything until you kicked her. She's an independent woman who will make a new life for herself without you. It might well be better than the one she would have had with you. Feel bad, yes, but don't pity her. Treat her with more respect.
  4. You say you are getting professional help; this sounds like a good idea, as your OP smacks of mental health problems. It was a bad idea to post it - your judgement seems very off-kilter - and you seem obsessive and stuck in a mental rut. Tell your doctor this and consider not only counselling but also medication. Inform yourself about how that works, and especially that if you have just started taking SSRIs, they can make you feel worse in the first couple of weeks.
Original poster
stopwhatyouaredoing · 23/02/2019 11:16

Thanks Ravenmum. I’m just in disbelief of my actions. It’s as if I was someone else for that time. My partner was the girl of my dreams and I cannot believe I hurt her so much

OP posts:
MollysLips · 23/02/2019 11:22

Please PLEASE, think again, think about what pain you will cause to others, think about how you would feel if done to you, and I mean really think about it.

This is like reading a post by someone who's just shot their arm off, imploring other people to realise that aiming a gun at their own body is dangerous. YA THINK?

ravenmum · 23/02/2019 11:22

No, it was still you - you're just not perfect, same as everyone else. There's a nasty side and a good side to you. Counselling might help you understand why you can't accept that. Get thee to a doctor! And stop hanging about on here, it will do your mental health no good either.

showerpower · 23/02/2019 11:24

Be honest - if her dh hadn't found out would this still be going on ?

ravenmum · 23/02/2019 11:27

Tip: if you click on "Hide this thread", you won't be able to find it again. Good if you are feeling a bit obsessive.

S021 · 23/02/2019 12:06

CatinMyLap

Are you?
You know nothing about me or my situation so don’t be so fucking rude.

SoupDragon · 23/02/2019 13:22

It’s as if I was someone else for that time.

Stop making excuses. It was you who did this. You.

My partner was the girl of my dreams

Yeah. So much that you shagged another married woman.

Closetbeanmuncher · 23/02/2019 13:25

Your partner was your dream woman but yet you repeatedly found yourself bald deep in someone else for to years for an "ego boost"

I think you need to seek psychological help, because you're clearly way past any insight we can provide.

What a pitiful specimen

Closetbeanmuncher · 23/02/2019 13:25

*balls