Affairs - You need to read this and not ruin your life like me

[stopwhatyouaredoing]

If you are having an affair you need to read this.
I have had a sexual affair with a colleague for 2 years. It wasn't love, we didn't want to leave our partners. She wasn't that happy at home and was bored sexually. For me, it was an ego boost and made me feel wanted as myself and my partner were trying to conceive and I couldn't tell her I thought she as losing feelings for me because I couldn't get her pregnant and that I was failing her. Absolutely stupid I know, but that is the truth of the matter. There was a sexual chemistry, which I should made sure we kept in check but I didn't.
It was snatched moments at lunchtimes, after work sometimes, or on work nights out, but towards the end it got riskier at her home too. The thing is I felt trapped in this affair. It was like a gambling addiction. I craved the highs but hated the lows. I let my partner down in the biggest way ever, I didn't make her priority anymore.

At the end of summer last year, her husband found out and I was relieved. It was over, and could try and work on my relationship. However he told my partner all about it sharing messages that really didn't need to be read and that was it. The house on the market and plans to move on.

The enormity of what I had done, and lost hit me like a tonne of bricks. The woman who had given me her all and heart was devastated, and also relieved as she had suspected for so long.
Me...I was just devastated at what I had done. I was losing her, the woman I love, losing my home, losing the life I loved. The biggest thing though was the pain. I was in pain at what I had caused for her. I had never realised that you could feel the pain you caused to someone else until now.

I am now living alone, hating myself, hating my life and its all what I caused by being stupid. I am low, and have even thought of suicide on some days as it's difficult to cope with my actions and the pain it has caused.

If you are having an affair, or close to one. Please PLEASE, think again, think about what pain you will cause to others, think about how you would feel if done to you, and I mean really think about it. I can tell you I would of made so many different choices knowing how I feel now.

Ah and again...

*Two

You are a liar.
You're claiming you are sorry for what your actions did to your ex. Weird that, as you've said she's moved on.
Who do you think you are?
You've set that lovely lady free. She deserves far better than you could imagine. She won't be sad for long. She will have her self respect, her new life and many new opportunities.
So, now let's get down to the nitty gritty. You coming on here is for sympathy for yourself. You're not feeling your wife's pain. She's moved on. It's you who has been left behind.
People who cheat have insecurities, selfish traits and lack of respect for others. They also feel they are worth so much more than they already have. Silly you. It never works out that way though does it.
Get yourself some help, and rather than preach to others, realise that 'you feeling her pain' is just another excuse you use for getting more attention for yourself.

OP, I have a feeling you’ll cling to the few posts that feed into your narrative.

You’re determined to paint yourself as some tragic, romanticized figure in this story you’re weaving.

You weren’t yourself, you were addictive, you got stuck in an affair (for two years), and now you’re all angtsy and depressed about it.

Grow up. Get help if you are having MH issues. Move on.

You’re not a victim of circumstance. You chose to lie, cheat, and humiliate “the girl of your dreams” (vom) for two years.

You chose that.

And you’d still be doing it if you hadn’t been caught.

But it’s done. Stop acting like a victim. You made an adult choice with consequences.

Don’t treat the next woman you end up with like utter shit. Problem solved.

I'm never heard so many excuses from someone who professes to 'take the blame for his actions'.

It's an addiction.
It was OW fault.
It was DWs fault.
It's my MH.
It was the OW Dh fault.
It's like it was someone else.

The thing is I felt trapped in this affair. - you are a weak, arrogant twat. Take responsibility, get educated, and move on. Maybe try to act like a decent person from now on. Take your own advice?

But ultimately, you need to take responsibility, which you are definitely NOT doing right now. Once you have taken responsibility for what you did - disregarding what OW did, how it happened was because of what you did. The affair starting, and continuing, was YOUR responsibility, no one else's. Not even OWs. Yours. Doesn't matter what anyone else did, or said, or wanted - your actions were your responsibility.

Own that, and you might be able to gain enough insight to understand how it has hurt the 'woman you love'.

Be honest - if her dh hadn't found out would this still be going on ?

I reckon so, they're been shagging for 2 years already. And let's not forget, the OP would never have told his partner/wife, he had no intention of coming clean to her, if only that meddling husband hadn't got involved!

That's the bottom line, he would have carrying on deceiving his wife/partner by never telling her that he was screwing around.

A colleague! PMSL.

These blokes are all the same, so unoriginal, always some piece of arse at work.

What a walking cliche.

OzzieWozzie

People who cheat have insecurities, selfish traits and lack of respect for others. They also feel they are worth so much more than they already have.

I think this so accurately describes my Ex and a few other people that have cheated/still cheat on their partners.

That's so true

A friend of the family, the DH cheated and we and the mutual friends that connected us to them ALL thought that the DH had been motivated by the wealthy lifestyle of the OW, horses and all, and didn't care about the effect on his teenage daughters or about the fact his wife would have to sell and move because the council tax and utilities on their house were too much as a lone parent

But He. Was. Worth. A. Better. Standard. Of. Living.

And if he and his wife couldn't earn it together he'd shag his way to it.

I'm sure he lives the dream

SandyY2k yes it’s me

This isn't the place for you in your state.

Like I said upthread...nobody actively having an affair will take heed, because the consequences don't seem real while in the fantasy of the affair.

It's easy for people to hurl abuse at you...because you're a stranger online. It would be different if it was their son, their brother or their father ...because they'd still love them regardless, just as your family would.

I've seen former BWs on here, when its their relative having an affair and the tone is very different.

I've sent you a PM.

You messed up big time and you know that. You now need to move on from this because you are stuck in a black hole and becoming very depressed. As a matter of priority your counsellor needs to help you accept the situation, draw a line under it and learn from it and then move on.

I’m just trying to understand how she must be feeling at what I’ve done to her

Why do you need to know this? Deep down are you surprised that she didn't forgive you?

I am not having a great time of it with my DH at the moment. I suspect your exW felt betrayed and confused by the affair. On the other hand she will feel worthless, ugly, stupid, dirty (that you slept with her and OW at the same time). If she is the one with fertility issues she will feel really bad about herself that you went elsewhere. If it is you with the problem she will be angry that you, the one with the issue, shagged around when she stood by you. She will look around at other couples, the ones smooching in the coffee queue, the ones holding hands on a country walk, the ones laughing together and think "why me. What is it about ME, that I don't deserve to be loved and respected".

Your exW will be totally devastated, make no doubt about that. However, as a woman she will probably surprise you with her strength of character. She will be telling herself that you are not going to ruin her life, that her goals (job, house, partner and children) are still achievable without you. She probably has a support network around her (family, friends and colleagues) that are telling her she will be OK. She has probably been counselled to be nice to you whilst you sort out the final details of your financial settlement and everything else. She doesn't have DC with you so once that is settled she will no longer have the need to be nice to you. Expect at some point that she will cut off all ties and won't have any need to talk to you again.

Because of this OP, I reiterate what I said in the opening of my post. She hasn't moved on but she is rebuilding her life so as not to let this episode ruin it. The best revenge is to live well. Any woman will tell her that. You need to draw a line under this and move on for your own mental health.

Thanks for the heads up. eye roll

You and the OW got into this with both eyes open, as you said you both knew neither of you wanted to leave your situations.

You weren't stuck in the affair, or trapped by the OW. You chose to have a relationship with her, and I hope she has blocked your wimpy blame-shifting arse.

I am only one month on from having my Husband’s mistress contact me and spill the details of their EIGHT year affair. To say my world is shattered is an understatement. He told the OW that he no longer wanted to continue the affair and she became a woman scorned and decided that if she couldn’t have him then she would ruin his family.

To think I have trusted and loved this man so deeply and then discover he was hiding this disgusting secret. It is unbelievable how people can do this to someone they supposedly ‘love’ and keep it going for so long. You are truly selfish and absolutely have no morals. I have no pity for you. The hurt felt by the ones affected by this can only be described as pure grief, and I honestly don’t know how I will get past how this has made me feel. It’s not just the anger, it’s the sadness in remembering all the great times we had together and knowing now he was living a lie. It’s also the stupidity I feel that I had no idea and how others must look at me thinking I was naive not to have known. I’m continually punishing myself by thinking I wasn’t enough for him - why else would he need to get attention like that from elsewhere. I hope part of my healing process will be to get past feeling like that.

OP, please know that the sadness you feel now can be no where near as huge as the trauma you’ve left your ex with, I can only hope she has a happy future starting the next chapter.

@Bef77

It would be different if it was their son, their brother or their father ...because they'd still love them regardless, just as your family would.

No it wouldn't. I would still think they were a complete wanker.

So sorry Bef77 that is so unbelievably shi!t.

It's easy for people to hurl abuse at you...because you're a stranger online. It would be different if it was their son, their brother or their father ...because they'd still love them regardless, just as your family would.

My brother fucked around on SIL, on his family. He also had no intention of ever telling her so she could move on to find someone who wasn't a lying twat or chose whether or not she wanted to live with a lying slag. She find out when his tart's husband told her. He's still playing hard done by 4 years later. Boohoo! He's a completely selfish dickhead who couldn't care past the end of his cock. He destroyed his family, my SIL could easily have cut our parents out of their kids' lives and cost them their grandkids and us siblings a niece and nephew. Thankfully, she's a bigger person than we are and we've been able to continue to have a wonderful relationship with them all.

But I don't speak to my brother and my parents have a really strained relationship because it's hard for them to realise he became such an entitled selfish wanker.

He's still playing the victim.

No it wouldn't. I would still think they were a complete wanker

Indeed.... but you'd still love them despite them doing a terrible thing.

All the OWs floating about are somebody's daughter, sister, friend...

The point I was making is that strangers online find it very easy to be unkind... they'd never speak to anyone else who had cheated (except their cheating partner) as they do online.... but hey that's the internet for you.

Affairs are destructive...absolutely no doubt about it.

Please stop telling me what I would think or do. You really have no idea.

they'd never speak to anyone else who had cheated (except their cheating partner) as they do online

Oh, the kindness bullshit. No one who has done this to someone is entitled to any fucking kindness. If you want to kiss their arse then do it so you can virtue signal and make yourself feel better about wasting your time on some wanker.

And what Soupy said, I certainly can and do speak to cheaters the same way in real life as I do online, although in the case of my brother, I don't speak to him at all. He's a narcissistic, entitled, thoughtless, disrespectful, selfish immature lying slapper.

I'm with you, @SandyY2K.

Amazed by the idea that people would write off a son or brother for cheating. About half of men cheat. So... half of men are wankers who deserve no sympathy? I'm half envious of and half glad I don't live in the black and white world this suggests you create...

Someone that lies and cheats and happily destroys their Partner's life is not the type of person I want anything to do with.

Self indulgent whining is never going to win you any friends. Especially when you put yourself in the situation you are whining about in the first place.

Excuse on excuse on excuse...Anything to avoid taking responsibility

I bet the ex wife got the fucking bunting out when she got wind. After all those years of you no doubt telling her she's "crazy"

Amazed by the idea that people would write off a son or brother for cheating. About half of men cheat. So... half of men are wankers who deserve no sympathy?

I reserve my sympathy for the kids and people who have their lives destroyed and turned upside down because of an immature twat with no self control who wants to shag about but keep the home fires burning because they don't have the guts or respect for their partner to tell them that they need to split up before they start slapping around. They remove the choice from their partner with their lies. And you're supposed to show sympathy for someone who does that?

My SIL could have cut off contact between my parents and her kids (and us). His need to deceive so he could slag was more important than considering any of that.

He imperiled his wife's health and sexual health.

No regard for anything because he felt entitled to screw around.

@NewWednesdayNewName

Thanks. Things aren't always black and white. That's not to say affairs are ever right.

If someone stops speaking to their brother because he had an affair... I'd suggest there's a lot more going on in the sibling relationship.

I guess bearing in mind the diversity of members, their ages, their relationship experiences, FOO issues and personalities.... there was bound to be such responses and of course anonymity is a major factor.

No one who has done this to someone is entitled to any fucking kindness. If you want to kiss their arse then do it so you can virtue signal and make yourself feel better about wasting your time on some wanker.

FGS he hasn't killed anyone. He's not committed a crime.
Let's keep things in perspective here.

I'm not the type of person who kicks people while they're down...especiall y when feeling suicidal. If it makes you feel better to do that...then by all means go ahead.

Compassion doesn't cost anything.

Here's your star then, Sandy, you and he can have your love fest.

Armchair psychologists with projection issues are mildly amusing sometimes, but mostly just tedious in the extreme.

You do whatever you like with your compassion and I'll do what I like with mine, as in not wasting it on cheaters.

That's not to say affairs are ever right

So, black and white... 🤔

I'd suggest there's a lot more going on in the sibling relationship.

I'd suggest you can't possibly know. Here's a news flash for you: not everyone is the same. Stop claiming you know how people would react and trying to tell us how we should act.

The OP is full of naval gazing, blame displacing nonsense.

I'm out.