My partner & my son hate each other

[Pinkielove]

To cut a long story short, my son & I were the victims of domestic violence, when he was 12 we left the family home and relocated back to where my Mum lived, hard as my son had only ever known one home, he had friends since nursery days, and despite what had happened, he missed his Dad. I then got together with an old school friend, he too was divorced with a daughter living with her Mum, we moved in with him, my son, settled in school and I have not spoken to my ex since, there is a restraining order. My son is now nearly 21, and he and my partner hate each others guts. There have been arguments galore, my partner is jealous of the relationship I have with my son as he doesn't have that with his daughter, and my son feels that I have been taken away from him. I try so hard to split my time, but feel that as neither of them speak to each other, not one word, that I am stuck in the middle. Family holidays are out, celebratory meals as they wont be at the same table together, Christmas was a nightmare, and I worry for the future. My partner has no relationship with his family, he fell out with his Mum, Dad and sister and when his Mum died, nobody even told him, my son tells me that my partner is a loser, he cant keep down a full time job, only does consultancy work, his family hate him, his daughter only phones when she wants money, my son has no relationship with him, so what does he have - only me ? And now I am starting to worry - what will happen when my son leaves home ? he wont want to come back - and what about grandchildren, how will I see them other than visiting on my own ? This is not how I saw things and sometimes feel I have swapped one toxic environment for another. Has anyone else ever been in the same situation ? To add to this, we extended his family home that we had moved into with my inheritance money, yet he is dragging his feet when it comes to putting my name on the paperwork. If anything happens to me, my son will get nothing unless I am named on the house, but every time I mention it, there is a huge "discussion" but nothing ever gets resolved. I feel like one of those women on the holiday love rat programmes where they hand over all they have to a waiter or sunbed man and then end up with nothing, the only difference is that I went into this with my eyes open. Please tell me I haven't been a fool.

He can't remortgage as his job is contract work and this current stint is up in 8 weeks, this is the first year since Mum died that he has worked a full year, the trend has been 6 months in and 6 out so his accounts aren't fab. Plus part of his mortgage issue is it includes 100k interest only to pay his ex 16 years ago - I dong think the mortgage co would touch him at the mo. He may take legal advice and come back and tell me his solicitor agrees with mine and he will sign but I won't hold my breath. Agree, he could have already changed his will - if so I don't have a leg to stand on.

Christ OP, I'm sorry but I cannot believe what you have done to your Son, then you hand this 'Conniving Clown' financial security for life for nothing in return, I pray you get this CC into Court asap

I never set out for it to be like this - I invested the money into what was our family home on the understanding it would be split 50/50 so I was confident it would be there for my son, I never set out to take away what will he is when I die. I just need to fight for what is ours now

Aside from the money, I can’t work out why you want to be in a relationship with him. You say your son can’t stand him. Does that not colour your view of him?

Im sorry to say i dont think he has any intention of allowing you to get your money back (but I’m happy to be wrong) but get all the advice you can about your position. He sounds selfish and horrible; your son sounds lovely.

My son is kind, funny, a 6ft 4 gentle giant and the light of my life from the second he was born. It hasn't always been this way between him and my partner, just as he has grown really, as I child I think he accepted as that's what children do but as time has gone on and they are both grown men, they just can't see eye to eye at all. Maybe my son has him sussed more than I do, maybe all stepkids secretly despise the new parent, I don't know. I don't have a good relationship with my stepdaughter but that's because she has to toe the line here, I won't have wet towels on the floor and muddy shoes in the house like she does at her mums and no doubt she curses me for it. Perhaps most blended families struggle but the couples don't split over it ? Or am I wrong again, I always thought I was a good judge of character and a decent person but maybe I am wrong ?

I agree, your Son has him sussed alright, and he's turning out to be bang on correct, but his view was not through rose tinted glasses. Please don't give up OP, stay strong and focused and get your money back

I won't give up, I am made of tough stuff and owe it to Mum and Dad to stand up for myself. Have just been brave and told my brother, just took a deep breath and garbled the lot out in one go - he didn't say a word but is coming over tomorrow. Dont think he could speak he's so angry. Just glad he now knows and although he will be cross at my stupidity I think I was right to tell him.

Pinkielove, I've RTWT and find it striking that despite being very concerned about the money you've never taken the bull by the horns before.

I'd guess you've always known, at some level, that confronting the issue would spell the end of your relationship. Your recent posts show he has no intention of treating you fairly or honourably. Now you've brought this matter into the light I'd guess your relationship will unravel very quickly from now on in.

While the subject remained undiscussed you could continue under the illusion he was a good man. Even now you're saying when its just him and me... its just like the old days and he is good to be around.

But then you go on to say since I mentioned getting my name on the house formally that he has started to show another side to him. I honestly don't know what his game plan is.

I think I know what his game plan is. He doesn't intend to give you a penny he doesn't have to and he never did. The man has an MBA, FFS. He's exploited you financially while spending his money on cars and motorcycles and other items.

Brace yourself for a fight. I doubt this dishonest selfish man will behave well.

You definitely were right to tell him. I'd imagine he is appalled that you've been exploited for so long.

However, you need to stop believing this urgently: its a committed relationship

It really, really isn't. He doesn't seem committed to anything much but he certainly isn't to your relationship. I cannot imagine why you instructed the solicitor to draw up the deed of trust - I appreciate he agreed to it on the spot but backed out as soon as he could think of a half-plausible excuse. It won't get better.

maybe all stepkids secretly despise the new parent
They really don't. Stop making excuses - it's time to face up to what a mistake you've made. That's why telling your brother was such a vital first step.

His mum was right all along. I have made several attempts over the years to get him to get my name on the deeds but the building society won't allow that unless I am on the mortgage. We have tried to re mortgage to get a new one in both names, the financial advisor has been to see us so many times but couldn't help due to my partners work situation, looking back he must have breathed a sigh of relief every time. Now it's me who is breathing that relief as my name isn't on his debt, that's one thing to be grateful for. I have the perfect solution, the deed is here and it's fair so unless he gives me an equal option that works then I will fight - but from a distance as I won't be staying

Don't dream of worrying that you're not a decent person, Pinkielove. OK, perhaps you're not such a good judge of character but your decency shines out. It's because you're decent that you didn't suspect that the man you loved so much and saw as a lifetime partner would rip you off. You didn't suspect it because you could never behave like that. As my DM says "to the pure all things are pure."

Your son will probably be relieved you've woken up to a truth I'd guess he's seen for years - that your DP exploits you (though I imagine he doesn't know about the £120,000).

Stepfamilies don't have to be hard work, btw. I've got a stepdaughter and our relationship has been a big plus in both our lives. I get the impression your DS can't stand your DP because of the way he treats you. If I'd ripped off her dad my DSD would loathe me - and rightly so.

I'm so glad you've told your Brother OP

I'd love to be wrong, but I can see him kicking you out because you're standing up for your rights.

You need to look at alternative legal action if he doesn't come good.

Clearly his mum knew he would screw you over.
That sounds like he has form for conning people.

He's shown such reluctance to be honourable, it's hard to see how your relationship will be the same again.

Incidentally, if he had worked more regularly, he would have been able to remortgage. It isn't being a contractor that's the problem, it's the big gaps in contracts. I think this was calculated as well.

I'd love to be wrong, but I can see him kicking you out because you're standing up for your rights.

You need to look at alternative legal action if he doesn't come good.

Clearly his mum knew he would screw you over.
That sounds like he has form for conning people.

He's shown such reluctance to be honourable, it's hard to see how your relationship will be the same again.

I agree

Totally agree the gaps between jobs were planned - always at the same time of year too, start of spring/summer so he could take the bike out with his mate. And then just as the money cushion ran out - lo and behold up popped a job. The whole time out drive me more to the edge every time, I work full time but still came home to a full dishwasher, washing machine and tumble drier and was asked what was for tea !!!!! 8 weeks to go on this job and he says it's too early to start looking yet, says he is being approached by agencies daily but they want immediate start - watch the market dry up and the blame be put on Brexit in 8 weeks time 😑

What, you were both working full time and then he'd come home and ask what was for tea? Cheeky bastard. I'd have given him a very frosty reaction.

No - he took 6 months off between contracts, played squash, took the bike out etc etc and then asked what was for tea 🤔 and then had the nerve to say when I asked him why he hadn't started it/taken something out of the freezer/put the oven on that looking for a job was a full time job !!!!!

So he couldn't cook anything when he was allegedly looking for a job, but you who had been working all day were expected to cook for him!

He's a sorry excuse for a man.

What I cant see at the moment is that even if a miracle happens and he does decide to sign, how can I carry on in a relationship with someone who has put me through this ? Queried the amount that I have paid out, despite having the spending spreadsheet on his laptop ? Doubted that I should be entitled to what is my half ? I always thought that a relationship should be equal, straight down the middle, with either problems, heartaches or windfalls, whatever, but it doesn't feel that way. He is struggling to get to Germany, flight cancelled, luggage lost - Karma. At least we are both having a crap couple of days.
Don't think I am going to mention or chase him getting his own advice this weekend, am just going to sit quiet and sit tight, which I know will be hard, but I am just going to see how long it takes him before he brings the subject up. I wont leave it too close to my hols as I don't want a big ruck to spoil my sons 21st, that is priceless to me, but when I am back from there, my partner & I are booked to go to Greece for 2 weeks in May, that wont be happening and I will be using that time to plan my next moves.

I always thought that a relationship should be equal
It's not just the money, either. Him expecting you to cook for him when he's not working and you're full-time was evidence enough of how he does not see this as a relationship of equals.

I suspect when you dig deep enough you will find that he expects you to be grateful that he rescued you from an even worse relationship. So now he's entitled to whatever he wants - all your money, and your service.

Do you begin to see why your ds might hate this entitled prick?

Has your brother been round yet?

Yes I can see, it's like a million lights are all going on all around me. My brother is coming tomorrow, not just for me to offload my worries but his wife works away as well so we tend to get together for a meal every 10 days or so with my son and his girlfriend, be good to see him, so glad he knows. And yes - he probably sees himself as a knight in shining armour and the money is his reward. Just keeping my gunpowder dry at the moment, am on a sticky wicket and don't want to end up homeless. As I said will give him a couple of weeks then bring the deed subject up again, if he says an outright no rather than he is taking his own legal advice then God knows where I go.

@getback
I don't think nannyogg has read the thread op, it's clear you are doing everything you possibly can without actually going back in time. Some posters just come on to give people a kicking, ignore.

I think I was very much reading the thread.

Nanny0gg - a lot has happened since you first commented and I would very much welcome your input as to where you think I have gone wrong but more importantly where I go from now, to be honest I welcome anyone's input as I dong know which way to turn. The facts are

1. He may or may not get his own advice
2. He may or may not sign
3. He hold the whip hand in that I cannot force a sale
4. He may have already changed his will
5. I don't have the spare funds to take him to court
6. I don't want to be homeless
7. If he signs how do I then move on or do I wait for the ink to be dry and then run ?
8. How do I get my money when I leave ?

I did get legal advice and did just what he said but hit a brick wall head on - anyone - what next ? Please