My partner & my son hate each other

[Pinkielove]

To cut a long story short, my son & I were the victims of domestic violence, when he was 12 we left the family home and relocated back to where my Mum lived, hard as my son had only ever known one home, he had friends since nursery days, and despite what had happened, he missed his Dad. I then got together with an old school friend, he too was divorced with a daughter living with her Mum, we moved in with him, my son, settled in school and I have not spoken to my ex since, there is a restraining order. My son is now nearly 21, and he and my partner hate each others guts. There have been arguments galore, my partner is jealous of the relationship I have with my son as he doesn't have that with his daughter, and my son feels that I have been taken away from him. I try so hard to split my time, but feel that as neither of them speak to each other, not one word, that I am stuck in the middle. Family holidays are out, celebratory meals as they wont be at the same table together, Christmas was a nightmare, and I worry for the future. My partner has no relationship with his family, he fell out with his Mum, Dad and sister and when his Mum died, nobody even told him, my son tells me that my partner is a loser, he cant keep down a full time job, only does consultancy work, his family hate him, his daughter only phones when she wants money, my son has no relationship with him, so what does he have - only me ? And now I am starting to worry - what will happen when my son leaves home ? he wont want to come back - and what about grandchildren, how will I see them other than visiting on my own ? This is not how I saw things and sometimes feel I have swapped one toxic environment for another. Has anyone else ever been in the same situation ? To add to this, we extended his family home that we had moved into with my inheritance money, yet he is dragging his feet when it comes to putting my name on the paperwork. If anything happens to me, my son will get nothing unless I am named on the house, but every time I mention it, there is a huge "discussion" but nothing ever gets resolved. I feel like one of those women on the holiday love rat programmes where they hand over all they have to a waiter or sunbed man and then end up with nothing, the only difference is that I went into this with my eyes open. Please tell me I haven't been a fool.

Was your brother supportive?

Yes, my brother was very supportive, showed him the document which he thought was more than fair. He is one of those people who is very quiet, doesn't flare up quickly,, is very calm, so he said I just need to bide my time for the next week or two, to give him time to do as he said he wanted, and that is to get his own advice. He said that the deed is very much in "legal speak" so maybe he just wants to make sure he understands it. We did straight away, so not sure why it needs clarifying, but will see. Thankfully he wasn't cross with me, just said that together we would sort it, so I know I can lean on him. We then spent the rest of the night going through both our memory boxes, and each found photos of Mum and Dad that amazingly the other hadn't seen, or at least didn't remember being taken, that and a meal with the kids made it the happiest night I have had all year. Had a few tears looking back at stuff, but we are amazingly close, as are me and my son, so I know we will all pull together on this one. Feel much better today.

I think you need to ask yourself does your son have a point. It sounds like he does.

If your DP was unquestionably lovely and being hated by your DS for unfair reasons as sometimes happens with new relationships in existing families, I’d not put his feelings first. But it sounds like your DS is right to hate your DP, so sorry but I think you should be listening to him on this (from what you’ve said).

Oh goodness, I missed that there were other pages. Ignore my message.

Happyspud - no its a valid message and actually reflects what everyone else on here has said - without question. The verdict I think is pretty much unanimous.

He is jealous of your relationship with your son?????
Sort out the finances and leave him.
Build your relationship back up with your poor son.
Next time any man tries to drive a wedge between you and your son tell him to fuck off.

Hi OP. So you’ve agreed with your brother to sit tight for a week? Did you give your P a date by which he would have legal advice ? I can see him stringing this along. Stressed due to cancelled flight and luggage missing, couldn’t think straight, didn’t have time to make an appointment.

I also hear you when you say that your relationship can be good so that means to me that you aren’t ready to throw in the towel and really do just want your financial situation stabilised and acknowledged I need law. Fair enough. Good point of view.

In that case I think I’d be honest and say to him right now, not leaving any time, that thinking about it the financial situation and his perceived reluctance over the years to acknowledge the money you have invested is, in your mind, driving a wedge. You don’t want this as you enjoy his company and want to enjoy old age with him (if that is the case if the money issues were resolved).

Then suggest that the house needs to be sold to release your share of the equity. Or he gets a mortgage (he’s worked the last year now). You can go to mediation to agree formally your share and a family solicitor would help you confirm what is yours. Then you can invest your share. Either jointly with him as tenants in common with your share higher to reflect the half his debt you are taking on. Or lump with flat monies and perhaps he then buys a smaller place and pays you rent if you continue the relationship. See it’s the current position but in reverse. But recognises both your financial investment fairly.

If he continues to string you along. You have now removed the tinted glasses but only you know what you want your future to look like. Only you can ensure that you get what you want. But I think you’ll find he woundnt be as financially generous without legal agreement to protect himself as you have. It’s only fair to put this to him.

Cuttingthe grass

That's such good advice and not a way that I had looked at it before.
Yes, you are right in that I am not ready to throw the towel in just yet - BUT .......... if he continues not to recognise me as an equal/recognise my share/and to treat my son badly, then how can I carry on ? Yes it is driving a huge wedge and I already am starting to build up resentment towards him.

I think the way we go forwards depends on what he does now, yes, he has been in Germany, in meetings from 8am to 7pm, cancelled flights etc etc so I can make allowances for not having made an appointment yet, but the same wont apply next week when he is back in the UK all week. I just feel that saying he wants to get his own advice is another stalling technique and that if I don't mention it again, her certainly wont. I think he is hoping that after a good weekend away in Liverpool this weekend, buying me a book on Amazon that I wanted, that I will be swayed and lulled back into thinking that he is a good person, but I am not that shallow and not that easily put off the scent.

I haven't given him a specific date, but he knows that I have asked for it to be done and our wills set up to reflect the deed before I go to Vegas on 9 April. That way if anything should happen to me and not my son out there, I know that my sons inheritance would be safe, as I intend to leave my half to him. So at the moment there are 2 full weeks left and a Monday before I go. Sounds dramatic I know but we have 2 helicopter trips booked while we are out there, one on the night of my sons 21st over the strip at night, which although really lovely, could also be dangerous and I just want to make sure my son would be covered if anything happened to me out there.

And you are right, I think that if the boot was on the other foot, he would not have been as generous, or patient.

Thanks for the advice, I think I will give him just one more week, and then tackle again.

Well, well, well, who would have thought it - out of the blue and without even telling me, he went to see a solicitor yesterday and basically, she said that the deed was more than fair and that it was what he should do ......... and he has agreed !!!!!!!!!!! He has now asked me to make the appointment to go in to get it signed and witnessed and then to make another appointment so that we can change our wills to reflect this. Asked him why he never said he was going, he said he didn't want to worry me, its totally the opposite and I would have stressed a million times less had I knew he was going, but at the end of the day, the result is what I wanted. Now makes me wonder if I have missed something as there wasn't a single query, not even that the deed states there is a restriction at the Land Registry noting that it will take 2 to sign in the event of a sale !! The flat hasn't been brought into it like I thought it would, I thought he may agree as long as I signed half the flat over to him, but that's in my sons name anyway, but not a single query. Solicitor starts 10am today so I will be ringing bang on to make an appointment !!!!!!
Now need to sort the rest of the issues like his relationship with my son, the fact that his job finishes in 6 weeks and I am determined hes not taking 6 months off between contracts, the fact that he makes expensive purchases like the new car without talking it through with me, there is a lot to work on, but I now know that if it doesn't work, my investment is safe. Vegas 2 weeks today so perhaps I can enjoy properly now, plus it will give me time to reflect.

Hi OP, new to this thread but have tried to read it all. How is your son protected in relation to a sale if something happens to you after you sign the deed?

It sounds like your share will pass to your son via your will but is his signature required for any sale or can your partner sell the property without your son’s consent or his knowledge if you predecease your partner?

Good point cheeseandpineapple - will run that past the solicitor. To be honest if I died first, as long as my share passes to my son, which it will via my will, as long as he gets that share in the case of a sale then that's my main concern. I know that there may a case where he may find that the house is sold after my death, but without me in the house, I doubt he would want to stay there anyway, he would take his share at the point of sale, sell the flat which is in his name anyway, and he would be well set up to buy a really nice home of his own, which is all I want.
I will check 100% though so thanks for the advice :-)

great news OP, lets just hope he actually signs now

Fingers crossed he signs OP, really hoping this all works out for you and your son.

Great!

Another thought, if you split up and you want your share back, can you agree a mechanism in the deed for this eg force a sale or for him to buy you out?

One of the reasons why he might be so compliant is that your money is tied to the property and as sole owner it’s ultimately down to him when he wants to sell and liquidate the equity.

He may decide never to sell, even if you split up in which case your money is locked into the property until he dies and a sale might be forced. And even then that might not be the case if he leaves the property to his daughter and she decides never to sell it either.

I might be missing something but whilst you need to sign off on a sale, do you have any grounds to force a sale if you or your son in the future ever want to take out your share?

Op I hope you have had your trip to Vegas and it's been amazing and your life is now moving forward in the way you want it to

All,
Just a quick update - no solicitors paperwork signed as he has been "too busy" however he did go to see a solicitor himself, who in turn contacted mine to say that he was in agreement with everything.
However ....... thats not the current issue. He has an irregular heartbeat, which means he is on daily medication, until he can have a procedure that will stop and then re start his heart. I found out that there is a direct link between his condition and alcohol, he has 3 of the pint cans of Stella every night which by NHS guidelines pushes him way over and in the bracket of a heavy drinker. I asked if he would conside managing it on his own, cutting down and hopefully avoiding the need for a general anaesthetic - I dont consider a procedure that stops the heart "minor". At this he flipped, called me controlling, manipulative, told me I wasnt his mother, he was in control of his body not me etc etc etc. He then turned on me, said I was "massively overweight" (I am 11 stone and a size 14) - unfit and didnt do any exercise. I also go the gym. At this point my son, who cant stand him anyway intervened, told him he was no slim Jim (hes about 3 stone overwweight !!) and generally stuck up for me. Thats the first interaction between them in hust under 2 years - I was so proud of my son - he fought my corner like a trooper, but I didnt want to run the risk of a full blown fight, so we left and went to the pub for tea. My partner is now working away, we didnt speak all weekend, but now he is texting me like nothing has happened, asking about my day, TV I have watched, how was the German market, I am just ignoring him. We have booked to go to Span at Christmas but I dont even want to eat a meal in front of him let alone put on a pair of shorts. He says I am being over sensitive - is he right ? What would you do ?

He's scammed you out of your inheritance. He's estranged from all his family. Take legal advice, see if you can recover your money and leave.

Too busy for 6 months?? You have your answer. I don't you want, or ought, to stay with him. He really doesn't care for you as a partner should. How you extricate yourself from this mess I don't know. He seems to have admitted he was wrong but not in any meaningful way i.e. signing the paperwork!

Why on earth are you still with this man

Wow! I thought this was going to be an update on how you left and how life had changed for you and your son. But you're still with this dreadful man!

"Too busy"? OP, you're a mug if you don't leave!

It’s nearly a year since you first posted and it’s still not sorted. You were relying on everything being signed before you went away in April.

I know you keep saying how close you and your son are but it must be an awful day-to-day life for him.

OP, I wonder why you're updating this thread. You started it in February. You had all the advice on what to do then. I doubt anyone's advice has changed.

Your son is right, your partner is a loser. He sounds horrible.

Your son genuinely loves you and hates to see you in this toxic relationship.

you are not responsible for this man's happiness and well being
it is not your job to fix him
you cannot fix people
And it is not your problem that he doesn't have anyone else. He has driven them all away. He will take all he can from you and then move on. He is using you.

Get out of there. Start legal proceedings to get your money back. Your son is an adult legally but he still needs his mum and also needs to know that you are OK.

Look into the Freedom Programme and learn how to get through life without toxic damaging relationships, and don't get into another relationship until you have worked out what draws you to losers, and how to avoid them in future.

I think that you need to get some legal advice here fast! If you have put such a large amount of money into the house ,surely you would be able to get it back if you split? I think this is a relationship not going anywhere really .You need to think about your future with your Son as well .