My partner & my son hate each other

[Pinkielove]

To cut a long story short, my son & I were the victims of domestic violence, when he was 12 we left the family home and relocated back to where my Mum lived, hard as my son had only ever known one home, he had friends since nursery days, and despite what had happened, he missed his Dad. I then got together with an old school friend, he too was divorced with a daughter living with her Mum, we moved in with him, my son, settled in school and I have not spoken to my ex since, there is a restraining order. My son is now nearly 21, and he and my partner hate each others guts. There have been arguments galore, my partner is jealous of the relationship I have with my son as he doesn't have that with his daughter, and my son feels that I have been taken away from him. I try so hard to split my time, but feel that as neither of them speak to each other, not one word, that I am stuck in the middle. Family holidays are out, celebratory meals as they wont be at the same table together, Christmas was a nightmare, and I worry for the future. My partner has no relationship with his family, he fell out with his Mum, Dad and sister and when his Mum died, nobody even told him, my son tells me that my partner is a loser, he cant keep down a full time job, only does consultancy work, his family hate him, his daughter only phones when she wants money, my son has no relationship with him, so what does he have - only me ? And now I am starting to worry - what will happen when my son leaves home ? he wont want to come back - and what about grandchildren, how will I see them other than visiting on my own ? This is not how I saw things and sometimes feel I have swapped one toxic environment for another. Has anyone else ever been in the same situation ? To add to this, we extended his family home that we had moved into with my inheritance money, yet he is dragging his feet when it comes to putting my name on the paperwork. If anything happens to me, my son will get nothing unless I am named on the house, but every time I mention it, there is a huge "discussion" but nothing ever gets resolved. I feel like one of those women on the holiday love rat programmes where they hand over all they have to a waiter or sunbed man and then end up with nothing, the only difference is that I went into this with my eyes open. Please tell me I haven't been a fool.

How did it go op?

Your son can see the truth.
You need legal advice urgently.

Bb

Morning ladies, here is the news from the solicitors. Its a lot easier than I thought, we can get a trust deed drawn up with states that although my partner is the legal owner on the deeds, we are both the owners of the equity in the property (after the mortgage) I can pass my share on to my son in my will. £350 plus VAT and £175 plus VAT for a new will. Told him on Friday and made the call to the solicitor while we were both together to tell him that we would be going ahead. Then ......... a rethink Sat am as he realised that neither would be able to sell without the others agreement. I said that this was only fair and right, but he pointed out that this was the situation I was in with my ex in that he refused to sign unless he took the lions share of the profit but without his signature I was trapped and couldn't sell at all. I came back with why should one person hold the whip hand and dictate to the other and surely decisions like the sale of a house should be mutual and fair ? Plus you cant sell whats not yours and if half the equity is mine, that's not his to sell, and vice versa for that matter. So - Monday morning, he is travelling back to Manchester for work and the solicitor is phoning me at 10 for instructions. I am going to tell him to go ahead and draw up the deed, then lets see if when its a done deal he still finds an objection, if he does, hes not the man I thought he was. But that may be the case anyway, Friday he paid £11k for a new car that I knew nothing about and the contract on this interim position runs out in 8 weeks, so unless he finds another one to overlap, he will be out of a job. He said that's OK as he has a financial cushion - i.e the money he has been putting away to make a lump sum payment against the interest only part of the mortgage. That now appears to be car and time off money. There are times I could scream, and to quote my son - "Now you know why I don't like the prick, hes a devious "

Stick to your guns op. Good luck x

It doesn't sound like he's going to go ahead and do it.

At least your eyes have been opened now.

I'm sorry to say, this man isn't someone you should trust where money is concerned. He sounds completely selfish.

Stick to your guns.

Are you sure he won't just remortgage the house and withdraw majority of the equity in the house thus leaving you with practically nothing?
Say there is £50 and he decides to borrow £15 for some feckless purchase the remaining balance would now be £35 equity

I don't know if I missed the point of the last update but would the scenario I wrote be protected from this?

How have you been together with your partner for 10 years if you got out of previous relationship when your son was 12 and he's 20 now?

So your DP is a jealous controlling twat?
Your DC always comes first. If your DP struggles to have a close relationship with his own children then perhaps that tells you something.

Sounds like he has fucked you over.

Cut your losses. Don't fall victim to the "sunk cost" fallacy.

Your DS sounds like he has his head screwed on right!

Morning all,

The solicitor rang me yesterday and I have told him to go ahead and draw up the document, he also has to write to my partner before we sign outlining what the document means - (I have explained but it needs to come from him so he cant ever say he hasn't had legal advice).
Little Raindrop - there is always the risk that he could re mortgage, I cant do anything about that as the deeds and mortgage are in his sole name. I can have a clause added to the deed that is registered at the Land Registry stating that 2 need to sign to sell, that is some protection but I cant get it any more water tight than that.

Brookshelley, we got together before I got out of the former marital home, we left when my son was 12 but had been battling to get out for a while, we were both assaulted by my ex and I had to appear in court against him, then he wasn't allowed back in the house, so refused to pay anything towards the bills or to sell. The only way he agreed to sell was by taking the lions share of the profit so I walked with next to nothing. That's why I am so determined not to do the same again. My son will be 21 in 4 weeks, he and I are off to Vegas together, just us to celebrate.

This deed isn't perfect, half the current equity leaves me with less than I put in, and him more equity than he started with, but without it, on paper I have nothing at all, has to be better than that.

I know I have screwed up, I know I should have protected my investment before I made it, but I think after my ex, selling up on my own, leaving my job and my friends, appearing in court, and then losing my Mum I just needed someone to trust and thought I had found him. I never thought it would end up like this.

I will stick to my guns, if he wont agree then I am off, but not without a fight. have googled the sunk cost fallacy and it makes good reading, many points there for me to heed I think.

Thanks all for the advice, this is my first time here and you have all been so helpful. Sometimes my life feels like such a train crash, but my son makes it all worthwhile and I know I can get this resolved. I am stubborn and wont be brow beaten, so I will get the result that's right.

You're not kidding you're stubborn. He's showing you AGAIN that you can't rely on him financially yet you want to gift him half your house!

You really aren't listening to the advice YOU asked for.

OP well done. As you say it’s not perfect but at the moment you have nothing. Can you protect any of the equity? What if he takes out unsecured loans to the value of all the equity?

Oh I meant loans using the equity in the house as security not unsecured doh!

There is nothing I can do about protecting the equity, unless we remortgage and have it in both names, at the moment it is in his. And I don't want to go on a mortgage of that size when I am 100% debt free and always have been in terms of loans, credit cards etc. My Dad always brought us up that if we didn't have the money for what we wanted, we didn't have it - we saved and that theory lasted him all his life.
NannyOgg I am listening to advice, thanks to what I was told here last week I have not only seen a solicitor which everybody told me to do & I am now having a document drawn up that will give me half the equity and I can leave that to my son, I listened, understood and carried out. And I am not gifting him half my house, I am getting my name on what at the moment is 100% his, what I should have done many years ago. At the moment I have fuck all.
I know that this solution isn't foolproof and that he could take out loans against the mortgage which would reduce the equity but I cant sit here any longer and do nothing. I owe it to Mum and Dad and [redacted] to get what is mine/ours, if he wont agree then I am off - there is another route I can go down via the courts, but now so many of you have made me see what is under my nose, I can actually carry that through.

Identifying information edited by MNHQ

I don't think nannyogg has read the thread op, it's clear you are doing everything you possibly can without actually going back in time. Some posters just come on to give people a kicking, ignore.

Op if he refuses to sign the paperwork you may need to take him to court to take your 120k back.

Op what's happened has happened the only thing you can do is move forward and not be taken as a mug anymore. Wish you the best of luck and hope you continue to have a good relationship with your son x

Well folks, here we are, a week after getting the document drawn up and no further forward. Despite the fact that he knew it was being done, and on what basis, he has now decided that a) he wants to take his own legal advice and b) reduce the amount of my contribution down to just the cost of the extension itself - i.e £83k. I paid for literally everything in that project from additional plastering as the original walls were so bad, decorating, carpets, wooden flooring, beds, curtains, furniture, everything that stands still came out of my inheritance pot, and was listed on the spreadsheet so that we knew when we had hit the agreed input of £120k. Apparently now it doesn't count as those things will in time need to be replaced, I said in that case then at the time they should have been a joint expense, but he doesn't agree. I don't know what he wants, says he will see a solicitor by himself as he may want to talk about things in there "that may hurt me", I feel at the moment like I am living with a stranger and have no idea, despite asking, what it is that he wants. Only to downsize, use the £200k equity in the house at the moment to put down on a new property for around £300k, and have a joint mortgage for the remaining £100. The way I see that is reducing your asset and spreading your debt as that then makes me 50% liable for £100k mortgage, but he cant see it. I just think he is looking for the easiest way to get his debt paid by someone other than himself but I may be wrong. I have stressed that I want this all done and dusted before my son and I go to Vegas so I can get my will in order, but I cant see a solicitors appointment happening this week as he flies to Germany for work today until Friday morning. He really did mean it when he said he wouldn't be rushed and have a gun held to his head. Ideas for next steps anyone ??????

From his comments and (in)actions sounds like he is getting his ‘ducks in a row’ and is planning to royally shaft you OP. Sorry. I think it sounds like this relationship is dead and you should plan to minimise your loss.

Of course the furnishings should have 50/50 as you’re both using them. But without clear written evidence of intention before you put the money in you may be in sinking sand. Hopefully you may be able to mediate a fair settlement.

And to add insult to injury there is now a £420 solicitors bill to pay for the deed that was drawn up. He knew last week that I was giving the solicitor the instruction to draw it up and he knew what it entailed, so why wait a week until it is done and then decide to query ? I can understand that he needs to make sure that what he eventually leaves to his daughter is protected, but if we are each leaving our own half to our own child, how can she lose ? She is in a more vunerable position now as our wills leave everything to each other (although I have nothing to leave ) - if he dies first could cut her out like a shot, which I would never do, but he cant see that it is safer for both kids. I have told him that he needs to get his legal advice and get this agreed before we go away, or he can have the week that we are gone to sit without any communication at all from me at all, not even our usual texts to say we have landed, and then when I get back he can tell me what we are to do.
Please, anyone else who is entering a live in relationship with someone, don't make the same mistakes as me and get your financial side covered before you part with a penny.

Do you think he may change the locks whilst you are away? Could he be stalling? Do you still have a relationship?

Sorry OP it sounds a terrible position and situation for you.

No,I don't think he would do that, and apart from this, and when its just him and me as my son cant stand him, its just like the old days and he is good to be around. We were away last weekend, and are off to Liverpool this weekend with some friends, its all fine but its since I mentioned getting my name on the house formally that he has started to show another side to him. I honestly don't know what his game plan is or what he is trying to achieve, its not like I am trying to swindle him, my contribution (and Mums) is there for all to see. Bless her when I first moved in she replaced the bathroom for us as it was in such a bad state, she paid for new windows as the seal had gone on 16 units and they were all steamed up - the money that has gone into that house is immense. I know I have been stupid, if anyone else did this I would question their sanity, but I did it out of trust, this wasn't some 5 day fling, its a committed relationship, but the way it looks at the moment, I may be on my way out.

OP, if you were my mum I’d much rather that you were happy and living the life you wanted than leaving me a big inheritance. It’s not too late to travel and have the experiences that you want. Life is so short, please don’t waste it.

See a solicitor.

Register your interest in the house with the Land Registery

But please for the love of god don’t waste any more of your life hoping that your life will suddenly transform into a Disney film. It won’t. You have to make life happen yourself.

Good luck and enjoy your life

What stops him changing his will in the meanwhile? Leaving everything for his daughter.

I can see this being a long drawn out battle , costing a lot and losing a lot for you unfortunately.

He doesn't want to give you anything. If he doesn't want you on the deeds, then would he remortgage the house and give you your share now?

I doubt he will. I don't believe he has any intention for you to get that money.

It won't be sorted before Vegas. You may have to take out a civil action to recover the money.