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Original poster

Accidentally came across my DP's Will. AIBU by what I saw?

301 replies

LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 19:27

My BIL committed suicide last year leaving everything to his ex-gf who ignored all his cries for help. I was there as my DP and his family mourned and I was nothing but supportive. We've been married 10 years in September but we've had our ups and downs. We've not shared a bank account or expenses because he's always felt that I'm taken care of. My parents are well off and they allowed us to live in one of their houses rent free for the last 10 years and have been helpful financially towards me. This has caused my DP to be funny about keeping all our finances separate. This has always been something that's bothered me, and he keeps saying we'll start a joint bank account soon. The other day I was on his computer with pure intentions, I wasn't snooping but accidentally came across a file with my name and our two sons on it. I looked at it and found it was a recent will, dated December 18 (we were together all that period). Cutting to the chase I discovered my DP had totally disinherited me leaving everything to our sons and giving all control to his sister should he die before our sons are 18. Money isn't my concern at all, it's the concept that my husband decided to do this without so much as a conversation. He lied and told me he was renewing his I.D. whilst actually meeting with his lawyers. I feel really upset over this, like I'm being actively distrusted and being compared to my brother in law's ex. AIBU to feel that this is an irreversible slap in the face? I expressed my feelings to him (because I couldn't hold it in any longer) and he simply said I'm financially set and he wants to secure our sons' futures. The fact that his sister would have control/say in our sons' lives after his passing pisses me off. Any advice/opinions would be greatly appreciated! I'm confused and hurt.

OP posts:
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 17/02/2019 22:22

The problem isn’t leaving it to the boys, as I would leave everything I own to my dc... the bit about his sister being in charge would anger me. Maybe you should talk to him about it, your married and not even his executor. Maybe thier is an innocent reason that you’d be to cut up and caring for the boys to want to deal with should the occasion ever arise.

Original poster
LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 22:25

There's a great deal to my BIL's story that lead me to say she ignored his cries for help. It's not my place to get into his story, I only mentioned it to show how contentious my DH's decision was in context to his brother's sudden passing and the complications that arose as a result.

OP posts:
Jb291 · 17/02/2019 22:27

I think you need some urgent legal advice OP. Ring your solicitor in the morning and make an appointment. Divorce petition and change your will to specifically exclude him.

Loseitandkeepitlost · 17/02/2019 22:28

He doesn't trust you to use his money to do the right thing for your sons. Horrible way to think about your wife. I could not get past it.

HotpotLawyer · 17/02/2019 22:28

Of course he should have discussed this with you.
The two of you are responsible for your children and looking out for their best interests.
The two of you should be looking out for each others' best interests and working as a team.
He has acted unilaterally and betrayed that teamwork.

The first thing I would do is make your own will and leave your assets direct to your children.

Not to him, to potentially marry someone else and leave your house to a second wife!!

I know you are primarily concerned with the emotional aspect of this, but look after your kids, look after your assets for them!

MirandaGoshawk · 17/02/2019 22:28

This may seem a bit weird to say, but I feel this is his way of protecting himself. Can you sit down with him, calmly, and explain how you feel, or more importantly, get him to open up about why he made this will? If not, sounds like you need some sort of mediator. Solicitor? Counselling?

I would also not be rushing to opening a joint account, then if it all falls apart then you've got your own cash. My ex cleared out our joint account the day we split up even though most of the money in it was mine, and I had to borrow from work mates until it was sorted out.

spinabifidamom · 17/02/2019 22:31

Do you have any children or not? Please protect your child. It might also be a idea to get a solicitor to draw up your own will. And definitely seek out legal advice. None of this is normal. Are you working or not? Do you have a CV? Can you afford to move or not? If not please see about having the locks on the front door changed.

HeckyPeck · 17/02/2019 22:33

Let's be honest, the reason he didn't tell you was because the sneaky bastard didn't want to go giving you ideas so you didn't go do a will and exclude him!

That’s what I thought too on reading it.

Knicknackpaddyflak · 17/02/2019 22:35

The will is set up for you to be an ex, not his wife. I agree he's probably getting his ducks in a row to leave, and you stumbled on it before he was ready. I'm so sorry.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 17/02/2019 22:36

Sounds like he is thinking of leaving soon. Sorry, OP Flowers

FeedMeBooks · 17/02/2019 22:39

No I couldn't get past that if one of your children needed expensive medical care that money could only be accessed on the aunts say so not the mother's.

Agree you need your own will asap & also leaving everything to the children.

Dadaist · 17/02/2019 22:40

I’ve not read the full thread but at a guess - ... if he died and you remarried your new DH could inherit everything and disinherit your children.
Also people can be manipulated in a marriage into marginalising their children over time. All these things seem unimaginable or unlikely until one of you has been dead for years.
Lawyers are paid to think of protecting your wishes - not people’s feelings. They are literally paid to think the worst. So when you sign a contract- lawyers are making sure you aren’t screwed because you acted on trust.
So if you say - ‘the most important thing is that my kids get my money if I die’ then that’s what they do. Your DH May trust you completely - but his lawyers won’t - and their job is to look after his wishes.

So as he must have said - ‘and my wife doesn’t need to get the money first she has her own financial support’ then they’ve put in writing what needs to happen.

It’s why getting lawyers involved usually creates problems in relationships-because lawyers are paid to think the worst and protect you from it.

I think if you raise this with him you should keep all this in mind. If I was his lawyer the first question I would ask is - why are we going to trust your wife’s next husband if you die?

Hope that helps?

StressedToTheMaxx · 17/02/2019 22:41

Yes his dh's suicide must have been awful.
You where there for him through it. But he is still saying if he was to pass you could not be trusted to managed you ds's inheritance fairly throughout their future.

Even though you are his wife it shows clearly he doesn't think if you as family.
And what's more he did it all behind yoyr back.
I could never forgive him. I would defiantly be looking to end the marriage.

Whereareyouspot · 17/02/2019 22:43

Have you been able to have any meaningful conversation with your DH about this at all or is he completely blanking you and refusing to see why you are upset?

Dadaist · 17/02/2019 22:47

But if he dies - and you remarry, all his assets could go to your new husband. And if you don’t need the money he will have been advised to place the money in trust.

But he should have talked to you about it.

Walkaround · 17/02/2019 22:48

I would ask your dh how he would feel if you drafted a similar will, ZaRah85. I would also point out to him that it is not the norm for married couples to keep their wills secret from each other...

lozster · 17/02/2019 22:51

‘What’s mine is mine and what is yours is mine’. Sad

I’ve read so many threads on here where women are berated for not being married because it gives you ‘protection’. This is a good example of how limited that protection can be. The confusion around divorce and death and who can claim assets exemplifies why so many married women are deluded about their rights and protection. Sorry OP, that is a slight derail. You must be so hurt and anxious. It’s a shitty thing to do and a shitty way to find out.

I’m often bemused by inheritance threads where wills are made based on the assumption that a current situation is what the circumstance will be forever. Wealth and circumstance are transitory. The fact you are provided for today does not mean that there might not be a tomorrow where you are not.

Also, are there not tax disadvantages in W wealth passing to children and bypassing the spouse?

HollowTalk · 17/02/2019 22:53

So he's lived free of charge with you and saved that money, wiping you out of that equation in his will, in case you are money grabbing and unreliable? Has he any idea how insulting that is?

HollowTalk · 17/02/2019 22:54

I think if you raise this with him you should keep all this in mind. If I was his lawyer the first question I would ask is - why are we going to trust your wife’s next husband if you die?

Did you read the part where the OP said she was excluded by name from dealing with her own children's money from their father?

Dadaist · 17/02/2019 23:01

Well I cant criticise too much - as I didn’t read the whole thread before commenting either - but I think postes are leaping to wrong conclusions here - so I’ll spell it out- HE IS PROTECTING HIS CHILDREN !!

OP -If you remarry ten years after his death - your children could lose everything - esp if you then die before your next husband. I think you should consider this at least.

Coyoacan · 17/02/2019 23:05

I know you cannot tell all about the ex-gf, nor should you have to, but it just rings so many bells with me. That family prefers to blame the outsider and everyone who is not their flesh and blood is an outsider. Suicide is a form of temporary insanity and I don't think anyone has a right to blame someone else for that act.

Dadaist · 17/02/2019 23:07

Well I could be wrong, but I’m supposing the legalities are likely to mean that if he wants to ensure his money goes directly to his children, then that means placing a trust with people outside the immediate family, else you may as well leave it to their Mum anyway?

CantStopMeNow · 17/02/2019 23:08

I'm starting to think he's had an easy ride with me because we married young and now he has no idea what marriage actually is and what's expected
Again- pot calling the kettle....

You have had an easy ride too due to your parents generosity.

You just don't like getting a taste of your own medicine.

lozster · 17/02/2019 23:08

Dadaist sure he is protecting his children but at the expense of his wife! She could lose all her wealth and be homeless whilst money stays in trust for the kids. He was also not so interested in protecting his wealth for his kids by making sure his wife had a will that mirrored his will. He is also assuming that if his wife had another relationship she wouldn’t have the foresight to either not marry or marry and make a further will to protect her children’s inheritance. He is assuming because he didn’t speak to her and clearly does not trust her.

pallisers · 17/02/2019 23:11

OP -If you remarry ten years after his death - your children could lose everything - esp if you then die before your next husband. I think you should consider this at least.

Fair enough - he leaves everything to his children. Have you created your own will in the same way - presuming your dh will leave everything to his new wife?

But even if you accept this, to not trust the OP to be a trustee for her own children! That is pretty bad on any level. Why would you be married to someone you think so little of? Why would you be married to someone you distrust so much?

I think his family has a deep distrust of outsiders and blames them for their own issues. And I think you are an outsider to your dh, OP.

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