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Original poster

Accidentally came across my DP's Will. AIBU by what I saw?

301 replies

LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 19:27

My BIL committed suicide last year leaving everything to his ex-gf who ignored all his cries for help. I was there as my DP and his family mourned and I was nothing but supportive. We've been married 10 years in September but we've had our ups and downs. We've not shared a bank account or expenses because he's always felt that I'm taken care of. My parents are well off and they allowed us to live in one of their houses rent free for the last 10 years and have been helpful financially towards me. This has caused my DP to be funny about keeping all our finances separate. This has always been something that's bothered me, and he keeps saying we'll start a joint bank account soon. The other day I was on his computer with pure intentions, I wasn't snooping but accidentally came across a file with my name and our two sons on it. I looked at it and found it was a recent will, dated December 18 (we were together all that period). Cutting to the chase I discovered my DP had totally disinherited me leaving everything to our sons and giving all control to his sister should he die before our sons are 18. Money isn't my concern at all, it's the concept that my husband decided to do this without so much as a conversation. He lied and told me he was renewing his I.D. whilst actually meeting with his lawyers. I feel really upset over this, like I'm being actively distrusted and being compared to my brother in law's ex. AIBU to feel that this is an irreversible slap in the face? I expressed my feelings to him (because I couldn't hold it in any longer) and he simply said I'm financially set and he wants to secure our sons' futures. The fact that his sister would have control/say in our sons' lives after his passing pisses me off. Any advice/opinions would be greatly appreciated! I'm confused and hurt.

OP posts:
HotpotLawyer · 17/02/2019 23:12

Dadaist : if you comment IN CAPITALS without having RTFT you run the risk of looking IGNORANT.

pallisers · 17/02/2019 23:13

You just don't like getting a taste of your own medicine.

what medicine??? what are you talking about. How is her parents supporting a young couple comparable to her husband excluding her from even a say in her own children's inheritance?

Maelstrop · 17/02/2019 23:13

I'm go smacked at this. How did he think this was the right thing to do?

What are you going to do, OP?

CalmdownJanet · 17/02/2019 23:14

Like fuck is he protecting his children dadaist , if that's what he wanted he would have spoken to his wife and explained why he thought doing it this way was best for the kids and he would have suggested she do the same. Willing everything to the kids is one thing but he gave complete financial control to his sister too. This is NOT about protecting the kids, he is a devious nasty prick who didn't tell his wife so she wouldn't do the same with her will and cut him out, he didn't give a shit about protecting the kids then did he? No he looked after number one when it was someone else's money and he would miss out, happy for the kids to take a back seat then.

Imagine the devastating effect that would have had on his wife if he had died without her knowing, and then he acts like she has nothing to be upset about. Why be underhand if it was "all about the kids"? This has nothing to do with what's best for the children.

Dadaist · 17/02/2019 23:15

@lozster - well yes it IS assuming OP won’t need the money - AND that she might sink it into a new husband’s business or something many years from now. It’s not nice ...but it happens all to often.

Dadaist · 17/02/2019 23:16

And yes - he should have discussed it with OP.

CalmdownJanet · 17/02/2019 23:18

Cantstopmenow what are you talking about getting a taste of her own medicine/pot kettle black ?

Op's parents being generous is not comparable to what her dh has done at all.

DishingOutDone · 17/02/2019 23:19

So OP, its a bit of a mess. Everyone is (mostly) like WTAF. Will you see a solicitor this week?

EdtheBear · 17/02/2019 23:19

My thoughts he's squirrelling away lots of money. You have no idea how much. While enjoying the fact he's living rent / mortgage free.
Personally I think he's waiting until the right moment to leave. Could be once he's got decent deposit, could be once youngest is out of F-T education. Could be waiting for the day you inherit.

Please ensure all your assets, potential inheritance is secured away from him.

lozster · 17/02/2019 23:23

Exactly Dadaist. They are bad assumptions to make. If the worst happens and the surviving spouse loses their wealth, it is not in the best interests of the children to leave them lacking adequate funds because their mother has no money and their own money is tied up in a trust controlled by a third party.

spudlet7 · 17/02/2019 23:27

You're not being oversensitive at all OP. He should have a) told you he wavered to put a will together b) discussed with you what it would contain and c) left financial control to you not his sister. I have no idea why he would do things this way. Is he jealous of your financial security via your parents? But surely this benefits him too?

Original poster
LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 23:29

@cantstopmenow I meant easy ride as in low expectations. Are you calling me out for having parents who chose to help financially? Or are you calling me out for chosing to take it? I don't see how this is a taste of my own medicine- you're not making much sense.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 17/02/2019 23:30

I would read it as you’re not his family. I’d be devastated and ask him to move out actually. Without any money from him how would you support you and your boys? As you have to assume this is what you may have to do?

Original poster
LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 23:35

I think I've read enough of your comments to see I'm not overreacting and the majority of you would feel hurt and betrayed too. This has opened my eyes up to the state of my marriage and the importance of writing a will of my own... I'll figure it out from there I guess.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 17/02/2019 23:37

.you can leave your stuff to whoever you want. In a divorce, you have to share it with your partner, but if you die, anything you own eg your half of the house

Surely that depends on whether you're tenants in common or joint tenants. If you're joint tenants you both own the house so if one dies the other owns the lot.

CantStopMeNow · 17/02/2019 23:45

How is her parents supporting a young couple comparable to her husband excluding her from even a say in her own children's inheritance?

Supporting? Pull the other one! It's been 10 years - that's enabling not supporting.
OP can have a say in the dc inheritance that comes from her.

They've made sure that OP's inheritance is always safe by keeping the house in their own name whilst she's married and living there with her husband.
It's basically a marital asset but they've found a way to avoid it being so officially.
It will only pass into her name after their death - and i bet even then they will have ensured that it's watertight so only her and her dc get any real benefit.

Ribbonsonabox · 17/02/2019 23:45

Yep I'd be divorcing my husband over this too... id be utterly livid. I didnt give up my career and have two of that mans children to be treated like nothing... I wouldn't give a shit about the money I'd give a shit about the lack of respect and yes, love...
You are his WIFE you are a family.... hes intending to disenherit the mother of his children... disgusting.
Theres be no coming back from that for me...
And to not even tell you about it? Its sick... did he not think that as well as having to cope with his death youd be on your own coping with that massive slap in the face which wiykdve come as a total shock?!? What an utter self absorbed aresehole.
I'm sorry but this has made me furious. Who does this type of underhand shit to someone they supposedly love?

CantStopMeNow · 17/02/2019 23:47

they've made sure her dh doesn't get a say in anything even when it will eventually involve his dc.

Mrsmummy90 · 17/02/2019 23:47

I'm not sure I actually know what to say except that he is soooo slimy for doing that behind your back! The whole thing just screams wrong to me.
I'm sorry he's done this to you.

Ribbonsonabox · 17/02/2019 23:48

@CantStopMeNow well it's a good job they have done that isnt it? Perhaps they got the measure of OPs husband.

SandAndSea · 17/02/2019 23:51

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I think you should (privately) see a solicitor who specialises in divorce and wills and get some proper advice. Please don't think that because you've got assets that it's OK to cut you out financially. It really isn't. If he wants to keep his family's money separate from yours, then why has he been so happy to benefit from your family all these years? (I'd also be tempted to bill him for all the rent he's saved but it's probably best to wait and get some proper advice first.)

CantStopMeNow · 17/02/2019 23:52

I'm calling you out for having your cake and eating it but then resenting your husband for doing the same.

Original poster
LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 23:54

@cantstopmenow If my parents had thought of protecting my future inheritance from my DH, they would have insisted on me writing up a will no? You stopped reading at the "my parents help financialy" part... sounds like you're just being spiteful and judgemental rather than in any way helpful.

OP posts:
over50andfab · 17/02/2019 23:54

There is not enough detail about the contents of the will, and there are conclusions being drawn perhaps unnecessarily. I do however totally agree that the OP should have been consulted and perhaps been made a joint trustee.

My XH never made a will when we were married, which meant that although I’d paid for most of our family home, if he’d died it would have had to be sold so his DC from his 1st marriage could get their share. I actually made a will leaving him out of it and left everything to our DC with my DB as trustee. Sure enough, we’re divorced and he’s now remarried, so who knows if he will ever make a will. Anyway, not really relevant.

I understand the DH in this situation leaving everything to the DC if he knows his DW will be taken care of and has her own wealth. I think it would be good to find out what he has stipulated be put into trust. Also what kind of trust? Some trusts have clauses in them eg the income from them be given to the DW till the beneficiaries (the DC) are a certain age or the DW dies or remarries. Then there are (discretionary) clauses that allow for funds to be released for the benefit of the DC when under 18 say if needed for maintenance, schooling etc. 18 is normally a very young age to be given all the capital from a trust, if a reasonable size.

OP I do think you should get professional advice re his will, and also make one of your own.

Not sure if it’s been mentioned, but on divorce any will at that time assumes that either party has died - ie not able to inherit. Wills can also be contested.

timeisnotaline · 18/02/2019 00:06

The problem is not leaving everything to the dc. It is explicitly cutting his wife out to have no say in how to use the funds for HER dc, as a lone parent given he would be dead! And it is lying to her about it- she would have found out when he died. How awful. Those two are definitely marriage ending. If he doesn’t trust her to be trustee and executor of his estate for her own children’s benefit then he doesn’t trust her at all. And shouldn’t be in this pretence of a marriage.

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