Accidentally came across my DP's Will. AIBU by what I saw?

[LaDiDa33]

My BIL committed suicide last year leaving everything to his ex-gf who ignored all his cries for help. I was there as my DP and his family mourned and I was nothing but supportive. We've been married 10 years in September but we've had our ups and downs. We've not shared a bank account or expenses because he's always felt that I'm taken care of. My parents are well off and they allowed us to live in one of their houses rent free for the last 10 years and have been helpful financially towards me. This has caused my DP to be funny about keeping all our finances separate. This has always been something that's bothered me, and he keeps saying we'll start a joint bank account soon. The other day I was on his computer with pure intentions, I wasn't snooping but accidentally came across a file with my name and our two sons on it. I looked at it and found it was a recent will, dated December 18 (we were together all that period). Cutting to the chase I discovered my DP had totally disinherited me leaving everything to our sons and giving all control to his sister should he die before our sons are 18. Money isn't my concern at all, it's the concept that my husband decided to do this without so much as a conversation. He lied and told me he was renewing his I.D. whilst actually meeting with his lawyers. I feel really upset over this, like I'm being actively distrusted and being compared to my brother in law's ex. AIBU to feel that this is an irreversible slap in the face? I expressed my feelings to him (because I couldn't hold it in any longer) and he simply said I'm financially set and he wants to secure our sons' futures. The fact that his sister would have control/say in our sons' lives after his passing pisses me off. Any advice/opinions would be greatly appreciated! I'm confused and hurt.

OP I bet CantStopMeKnow's comments are exactly your DH's warped mindset.
Are you sure he's not on the thread?

ASAP - lawyer. I would be very concerned. Strongly agree with other posters that he has squirrelled monies away. I think you also need to find out how to protect yourself financially from him. What he has done is morally wrong.

Supporting? Pull the other one! It's been 10 years - that's enabling not supporting.
OP can have a say in the dc inheritance that comes from her.

That makes no sense. He's lived rent free. What he has wouldn't exist without their living arrangements.

Catstopmeknow

You're off the mark. If the OPs DH so wanted a home as a marital asset, he could have declined help from his inlaws.

He already had property before they married, which he will retain. He has had an easy ride of it.

The trust has gone and it's hard to see how you can come back from this. Especially while he insists he's done nothing wrong.

If you separated to give you both space, he would have to pay rent or give his tenants notice. At least he'd feel the impact financially.

The correct thing to do would be to leave you a life interest in his estate and then for it to pass to his children, which gives you security and protects his children's inheritance. It goes without saying that something so important should have been discussed between you and I would have expected you to make a mirror will, also protecting him and your children in the event of your death.

His behaviour is a shocking breach of trust. When were you meant to find out, when he had died and you were dealing with the grief and sorrow and comforting your children. At this awful time, were you supposed to have the news that your husband, whom you were grieving, did not trust you? It is truly sickening.

I feel that he resents you because your parents help you out financially. He doesn't mind taking full advantage of their generosity but deep down he resents them and you for it. I think his brother's death is a red herring here.

I honestly couldn't live with someone who shows so little love, compassion or respect. It sounds as though you both married young but that this relationship has now run its course.

OP there’s obviously a reason why your DP has set his will out this way. It may be he’s planning to divorce you or it may be something else we haven’t thought of.

Either way it’s very strange and unnerving. I would be making a Will first thing tomorrow and making sure everything else financially is in place so if the worst was to happen, your DP wouldn’t benefit.

I expect my step mom is going to outlive my dad & then spend all (their) her remaining wealth on her daughters & bio-grandson. Not even a deliberate or malicious exclusion, just how things will go (I predict).

A set up like OP's husband has would prevent that.

I remember my grandpa bragging how his estate was worth > 1.5 million, how well his children would inherit. After grandpa died, My dad's step-mum spent all her remaining wealth on just her youngest/his children; the other 5 sets of heirs got zilch.

My uncle had property & wealth. Uncle died suddenly while married to 2nd wife; 35 yrs later his 4 children still got nothing from uncle's 2nd wife's estate.

It happens for sure.

When you see the solicitor about writing your will, you should take some preliminary advice on how the assets will be split on a divorce just so you know the lie of the land should he spring it on you.

I am not sure whether you and/or your dh works or has an independent income and who amassed more wealth during the marriage. Did your parents gift you assets during the marriage. It sounds like you kept your respective finances separate. If your dh stands to win on an asset division in a divorce, then you need to know that should you decide or are forced to proceed down that route.

Ultimately I agree with the poster that your dh's family see you as an outsider.

Why would a man give anyone other than his wife control over their children's lives ?

Only option I see is because he is pretty sure you are going to die before him
Or you will be divorced and no longer his spouse.

There's no other option.

Given the fact he not only omitted to discuss his wishes with you, he deliberately lied about going to the solicitor.

I unfortunately think that this is just the tip of the iceberg of things to be uncovered. You need to start researching your husband's internet history and banking.

It's not beyond the realms of possibilities that he's planning on bumping you off. Money is a huge motivator for murder and that will he's drawn up seems pretty certain he doesn't have a wife in the picture.

Take a copy of it to see a different solicitor asap and get good legal advice. I'm sorry he has done this. The betrayal must sting but better you find out his true feelings now than living a lie.

Reading this has given me the push I needed to go & make a will, while I haven't much in assets now, my dad has recently passed away & when anything happens to my mum I will inherit 50% of her home & savings, the balance going to my brother.

I'm divorced & single, obviously everything I own would be left to DS, but knowing how bad my ex is with money & how grabby he is from when we were married I want to protect anything I leave to DS so ex can't get his hands on a penny should he outlive me. Any recommendations?

I’m not sure I’m as outraged as most on here. DH and I were advised to do just this in regards to estate planning. The rationale is that it saves potential pitfalls of a spouse remarrying and the kids being left with nothing. Even with managing money in trust it is safer for a third party to oversee to avoid a new spouse being in the ear of the remaining parent before the kids are old enough to control it themselves.

Both DH and I know people who have been adversely affected in these situations. One scenario the partner remarried, left everything in will to new spouse believing they would do the right thing and they left everything to their 2 children rather than the 4 way split that was agreed when they made their wills. Another that was responsible for control of the kids money in trust frittered it away, had to have new cars to drive the kids around (obviously they would have had to replace their old car anyway) so both parent and new spouse got new cars ‘for the kids’, they traded up to a substantially bigger house in their name ‘so the kids could have more room’ etc. Poof, money gone.

I guess the difference is both myself and DH thought it a good idea, it was done in the open and we both agreed.

How does he think this would work in practice? If he dies, then your SIL controls the money held in trust for the kids. They want to start driving and to buy a car. Will SIL use that money to provide a car, or should you?

It makes no sense for his sister to have that much involvement when the DC still have a living parent making the daily decisions.

Anyway - don't wills become defunct upon divorce? so if that's his plan he's really messed it up.

Why don't you just do the exact same fucking thing and leave it all to sons with another member of your family in charge, and see how he likes it??? I bet he won't like it at all!!!!

The point isn't about wanting to protect the DC. It's about the lies, deception and complete disrespect.

The right thing would have been to discuss it with you and then both go talk to a solicitor and see what he or she gives for advice. The solicitor would have brought up the possibility of future spouses.

It all could have been discussed and decided upon mutually.

That isn't what happened. If OP hadn't discovered it, she would have never known.

I suspect he has one foot out the door.

I agree it's divorce worthy as I wouldn't be able to come back from the deceit and disrespect for the marriage and the knowledge of what he really thought of me.

Advice would be to consult a solicitor of your own for advice and discuss what he did.

It also sounds like he wants to keep all his money to himself, well away from you, yet live off the generosity of your parents.

I understand your hurt but the sad truth is this will is an extension of a relationship dynamic that has been in existence between you for a long time.

The lack of financial transparency and openness in your marriage is something you haven’t challenged in the past, why? It’s going to be hard to change such an entrenched mindset that financially, you aren’t his responsibility. All I can say is make sure that you have your own will and that the money that your family has given you is protected.

I would be hurt by this. It's as if he doesn't consider you to be family. Why did he do it in secret? He should have sat down with you and talked. Are you happy with him?

What part of the U.K. Are you in? Are you British born?

I'm guessing you're not British born as I too am fairly sure that he cannot disinherit his wife. I'm no expert and speaking as a Scot and the law is different in different parts of uk, but I'm pretty sure in Scotland you can't. A quick google suggests I'm right.

"Massive cynic here but I would think he was gearing up towards a divorce" I agree

What exactly are the "ups and downs" you've had? Have they included separations?

"and the fact that I have no will, I just assumed my husband would be there if I passed away." If you have property or children you should have a will and you have both - what about of you both were to die? God forbid in something like a car accident? It happens. Who'd be caring for the kids?

I'd be massively hurt and livid that he'd made a huge unilateral decision that affects OUR children!

"I'm sorry for any confusion. There's no mention/concern here over custody at all. My DH left financial/executry powers to my SIL whilst cutting me out completely." I wouldn't assume the financial arrangements wouldn't complicate matters though and possibly give the sister a way to apply for a custody arrangement in the event of his death - you really need proper legal advice on this.

He doesn't trust you AT ALL to treat YOUR children fairly wrt what he leaves behind financially when he dies. That's hugely insulting & a betrayal of you not only as a wife but also as a mother.

Don't know if anyone has mentioned this but aren't wills invalid in the event of a divorce ? .

So basically he doesn't feel that he needs to take any responsibility for his children's accommodation providing he throws them a bit of cash (if he even has any) because their mother's family can take of that? What a prince!

OP we are in similar position in that we live in a home owned by my family and pay minimal rent. We vave a 6 month old baby and DSS who is 15. We have a last man standing rule so if one of us dies all money and assets go to the other, then once both parents (us) die it can all go equally to DD, DSS and any future bubbas we may have. Whilst my family would provide financially for DD we decided that this doesn't mean that DH doesn't need to provide for his own children. Now this is more than giving kids money isn't it because depending on their age they wont suddenly move out and be independent. They'll still need their mother to provide a home to presumably he feels your family should just do this? You need to see a solicitor pronto and you need to divorce him before you inherit anything from your family. He clearly cannot be trusted and has completely taken you and your family's support for granted. This has all been done behind your back and that's the worst part. Talk to your parents openly (I know this can be hard and embarrassing) and I'm sure that they will help you protect yourself and your children. If he wants to stand on his own rather than as a couple then he can fuck off and do it without leeching off you.

He got defensive saying it doesn’t concern me.

ZaRah, this is about your children’s future, yet your husband shuts you out, refusing to afford you the basic respect and loyalty you deserve. He has been underhanded and deceitful. What a betrayal.

He feels entitled to marginalize you and he cannot be trusted. I sense a deep resentment on his part. He is treating you with utter contempt. Seek financial/legal advice and draw up a will ASAP.

You mentioned earlier that you don’t share expenses. Does this mean that you and your parents pay for all of your family’s living expenses, while he contributes nothing?

ZaRah do you even know how much money he had squirrelled away in the last ten years? You say you have separate finances. This would be making me re-evaluate the whole financial set up of who contributes to what. For example, are you managing to save as much as he is? Are you paying costs equally? And things like that.

had=has

OP, do you know about your parents' will? As you are living in their house, it's worth checking. Perhaps they have put something similar in place to protect you.

Not only would I be divorcing this bastard, I'd be going after a big chunk of that money he's squirrelled away, while your family has met all his housing costs. I know it isn't about the money for you, but he shouldn't be allowed to just get away with this.
You could probably make the case legally that he wouldn't have been able to accrue those savings if it hadn't been for you housing him for free. That's half your money, really. If this was me I'd be seeing my solicitor this morning.
He couldn't make it more clear what he thinks of you.