Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 ··· 12 13

Original poster

Accidentally came across my DP's Will. AIBU by what I saw?

301 replies

LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 19:27

My BIL committed suicide last year leaving everything to his ex-gf who ignored all his cries for help. I was there as my DP and his family mourned and I was nothing but supportive. We've been married 10 years in September but we've had our ups and downs. We've not shared a bank account or expenses because he's always felt that I'm taken care of. My parents are well off and they allowed us to live in one of their houses rent free for the last 10 years and have been helpful financially towards me. This has caused my DP to be funny about keeping all our finances separate. This has always been something that's bothered me, and he keeps saying we'll start a joint bank account soon. The other day I was on his computer with pure intentions, I wasn't snooping but accidentally came across a file with my name and our two sons on it. I looked at it and found it was a recent will, dated December 18 (we were together all that period). Cutting to the chase I discovered my DP had totally disinherited me leaving everything to our sons and giving all control to his sister should he die before our sons are 18. Money isn't my concern at all, it's the concept that my husband decided to do this without so much as a conversation. He lied and told me he was renewing his I.D. whilst actually meeting with his lawyers. I feel really upset over this, like I'm being actively distrusted and being compared to my brother in law's ex. AIBU to feel that this is an irreversible slap in the face? I expressed my feelings to him (because I couldn't hold it in any longer) and he simply said I'm financially set and he wants to secure our sons' futures. The fact that his sister would have control/say in our sons' lives after his passing pisses me off. Any advice/opinions would be greatly appreciated! I'm confused and hurt.

OP posts:

SimplyPut · 17/02/2019 21:51

I would genuinely be considering divorce in your situation. Marriage is about building a life together, being one against the world... your husband isn't in it with you.

CalmdownJanet · 17/02/2019 21:51

Let's be honest, the reason he didn't tell you was because the sneaky bastard didn't want to go giving you ideas so you didn't go do a will and exclude him!

Happy to live rent free, to benefit from you but cuts you out in case of his death, does it sneakily to embarrass you and belittle your relationship to his family and to devastate you even further if you only found out at his death (as was his intention), and didn't tell you so he could still benefit off you in death and his has done in life.

Divorce lawyer and do a will while you are there.

The dead brother is a red herring because actually being left to deal with a complicated death/will would actually make you sort out your own finances so everything was straight forward for those left behind, he has done the complete opposite.

AND then he belittles your feelings now by telling you have no right to be upset? Bullshit! Ditch the sneaky fucker

Wheresthebeach · 17/02/2019 21:53

He bare faced lied to you about what he was doing, and then got defensive when you asked about it.

He’s massively benefited from you’re parents generousity, but refuses to share finances??

The contents of the will are shocking, he doen’t trust you to do right by your sons.

See a lawyer, fast. Make a will, find out about his finances. If he’ll lie about this, he’ll lie about other things as well.

This is divorce worthy as it speaks volumes as to what he actually thinks of you, plus now you know he’ll lie, quite calmly, to you. How can you trust him?

Skittlesandbeer · 17/02/2019 21:54

It’s certainly time you got your own legal advice. Ask about separation, while you’re there.

He obviously has.

Then book an appointment with a financial advisor for both of you. Ask innocently how you can better streamline your finances, save on fees, etc. Write up a family financial strategy that includes transparency in all the areas you need. Only logical, right?

I’d also be writing up a ‘normal’ family budget that includes all the perks he enjoys from your parents clearly listed in. Rent, etc. He needs a reality check about how lucky he is.

TortoiseLettuce · 17/02/2019 21:57

He doesn’t trust you. The marriage is over.

Even worse, he doesn’t trust you to put your own DC first. I can totally understand him bypassing you if you’re financially secure and leaving his assets directly to DC. But he should have discussed it with you and made you the executor. Cutting you out is disgraceful and it would worry me greatly that I wouldn’t have full control over my DC’s inherited assets.

Butterfly84 · 17/02/2019 21:57

Honestly, why be with someone who clearly doesn't see you relationship going much further...or does not love and trust you in the ways he should?

TwistinMyMelon · 17/02/2019 21:57

Slightly off topic, but saying that your BIL's girlfriend "ignored his cries for help" is awful. She is no more to blame for his suicide than any other member of his family. That is a horrible thing to say.

My brother took his own life 2 years ago. It was his decision, and over the years everyone around him did their best for him. It was nobody's fault and no one could have prevented it.

Whereareyouspot · 17/02/2019 21:59

I would feel very betrayed in your situation.

Regardless of his recent experience you are his wife and the mother of his children and yet he would make such a life altering decision to cut you out in the event of his death.

Was there any provision for you at all given you will still be the mother of his children if he dies?

The fact he didn’t discuss his concerns with you is the issue. If he was genuinely worried about his kids and felt you were financially
Independent then he could have said that and talked it through with you as his life partner.

He didn’t.
And now he is refusing to be open and discuss it like an adult.
It may sound dramatic but I don’t think I could stay in a marriage when that happened.

The joint account issue is bad enough but this is unforgivable.

As an aside given he lives rent free in a house he doesnt own, have you asked him what provision he thinks you should make for him in your will?

TheFishInThePot · 17/02/2019 22:00

The dead brother is a red herring because actually being left to deal with a complicated death/will would actually make you sort out your own finances so everything was straight forward for those left behind, he has done the complete opposite.

Very true.

hinely · 17/02/2019 22:01

I've not read the whole thread but it doesn't sound like he sees you as a partner/wife. More just someone he's coexisting with because of the kids.

You may be better off ditching him now and finding someone who loves and trusts you and is happy to have shared accounts and so on. If it was me I'd just be pissed off that he'd done it without even consulting you. But they do say that wills are always a massive cause of friction, along with finances.

You should probably cut and run and be quite fussy with any new partner. But then again, maybe being honest and telling him you found it and are fucked off could resolve things?

MotherOfDragonite · 17/02/2019 22:04

He's lied and he's done something unforgiveable to you -- this is not how a husband treats a wife he loves.

Personally I'd divorce somebody who had made it clear that he felt like this. And I think he knows that this would be a normal response, and that's why he's done it all in such an underhand way.

Patchworkpatty · 17/02/2019 22:05

Yes we do have Testatory freedom in England and Wales to a degree. That degree does not trump a spouse's right to reasonable provision.

Under the Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependants) Act 1975, as a surviving spouse you would be entitled to make a claim if your husband’s will does not adequately provide for you. It does not matter if you were separated from your husband or going through a divorce – spouses are still entitled to be provided for.

There are conditions that must be met before you can make a claim: it must be within six months of the date of the grant of probate; your husband must have been domiciled in England or Wales; and you must be able to argue that you not have received adequate financial provision under his will.

The court will consider whether your husband’s will has already provided adequate financial provision for you. If it is of the view that there was not adequate financial provision, it will consider what would be reasonable provision for you in the circumstances. When determining what is reasonable, the court will take into consideration factors including the duration of your marriage to your husband; your age; and what you might reasonably have received if your relationship had been terminated by divorce and not by death.

This is such a serious breach of trust OP that I would be completing a divorce petition tomorrow and despite it not being about the money, I would be going for the financial jugular. Because that seems to be what he cares about. He has received a huge financial advantage being able to squirrel much more of his salary away than is usual, due to not paying rent. Solely down to your parents generosity . Did this enable him to pay a mortgage on his property. ?

Have my first ever LTB and I've been here 6 yrs. It's such a loud indictment of distrust in you. I could not forgive it.

HollowTalk · 17/02/2019 22:05

Let's be honest, the reason he didn't tell you was because the sneaky bastard didn't want to go giving you ideas so you didn't go do a will and exclude him!

This is absolutely true.

Original poster

LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 22:06

Didn't want to delve into the topic of my BIL's suicide much but since you pointed that out.... my BIL and his ex had broken up due to his lack of commitment to her. After some time he tried to rekindle their relationship and show he was committed by sending her a will and threatening suicide if she didn't get back with him. This was 4 months before his death. She did not contact a single person, not his family nor friends not even the samaritans or the police whilst knowing what she was set to inheri. He was unwell and cried out for help but was let down. Keeping it brief.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 17/02/2019 22:10

That sounds incredibly manipulative of him, though. I do think she's wrong not to have told his family, but he really shouldn't have said that he'd kill himself if she didn't get back with him, particularly as they broke up because of his lack of commitment to her.

Original poster

LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 22:13

You're trying to make logic out of the thoughts of a mentally unwell person. He was 100% wrong in trying to emotionally manipulate his ex and she was wrong to ignore his cries for help. Moving on to the Will issue...

OP posts:

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 17/02/2019 22:13

@HollowTalk is right.

HollowTalk · 17/02/2019 22:14

Yes, both were wrong. I'm so sorry he took his life.

Whereareyouspot · 17/02/2019 22:15

What happened to his brother is not relevant, not really.
You and your DH are married, not splitting up and you haven’t betrayed him.
He simply cannot use that as an excuse to do what he has done

Out of interest what would your parents make of his will given they have let him live rent free in their house?

Without any mortgage or rent to pay how much has your DH saved over the years?

pallisers · 17/02/2019 22:16

I have a lot of sympathy for the ex girlfriend actually.

I would say your BIL didn't cry out for help. He threatened his girlfriend. She had no idea that will was real - why would she. If she posted on here half the posters would have said "ignore ignore, not your problem, he is trying to suck you in". If she had called the police on him, what do you think his family would have said about her. If she called his family, what would have really happened? Calling the samaritans would have done no good - they don't make house-calls on someone else's say so.

And why did his family not know something was going on with him? Why just blame the girlfriend for something that happened 4 months previously? A lot happens in 4 months.

your dh's family sound very dysfunctional - whether that is because of the suicide or pre-dates it, who knows. His actions are part of that. But they also say something about who he considers to be family. If he can't tell the difference between a wife of 10 years who is mother of his 2 children and an ex girlfrend to whom his brother refused to commit ... well ...

AnotherEmma · 17/02/2019 22:16

Well yes he was obviously mentally unwell and not thinking straight because he basically said get back together with me or I will kill myself and you can have all my money... trying to emotionally blackmail her into getting back together but simultaneously offering her a reward for not doing so.

The issue is not that BIL made mistakes (obviously he did) but how your DH has reacted to that. I think you said his family isn't good at dealing with emotions? (You don't say!) He needs bereavement counselling or just regular counselling to work out how on earth he got from his brother's mess to spectacularly sabotaging his own marriage.

Original poster

LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 22:17

@whereareyouspot I'm nervous to tell my parents in fear of them disliking him and creating an ireeversible wedge before I've decided what to do myself. Sounds weak. I know :(

OP posts:

stanski · 17/02/2019 22:18

Big trust betrayal and possible cause for divorce imho.

HollowTalk · 17/02/2019 22:21

OP, is this a man who has otherwise behaved in an entitled way?

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 17/02/2019 22:21

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 ··· 12 13