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Original poster

Is not living together the key to a successful relationship?

151 replies

SheRaa · 16/02/2019 13:21

I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 months, we have both previously experienced horrible relationship issues & nasty breakups.

We both have kids & are keen to protect them & not impact their lives negatively.

It is early days for us but we keep coming back to the conversation that perhaps long term dating is the best way to maintain a good relationship rather than the generally natural progression of moving in / becoming a family etc.

I’m very back & forth about the idea - obviously no rush to make a decision but just wondered what others think of this as the best way of preserving a good relationship?

OP posts:
Mmmmbrekkie · 16/02/2019 13:23

5 months??? And you both have children.

As a single parents of two young ones myself, I would not even entertain the idea of moving in together until 2 years. And even then.... I would probs my wait longer.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 16/02/2019 13:25

I wouldn't even be discussing this at 5 months in to be honest.
You hardly know each other.

Mmmmbrekkie · 16/02/2019 13:26

As for preserving a good relationship.

A strong relationship when both parties without children involved will flourish when they move in together. after a decent period of time of dating and getting to know one another outside of the discussions re who’s turn to get the toilet roll in. A weak relationship - it will test and reveal the cracks.

A relationship where children are involved is an entirely different kettle of fish.

YogaWannabe · 16/02/2019 13:28

Strange that it’s even remotely on the radar so early in but if you just meet generally then I’d be inclined to agree.

There are so many threads on here about awful situations where the new DP moves in lock stock and barrel an treats the children badly etc.

LaughingCow99 · 16/02/2019 13:31

Waiting two years seems a bit extreme.

YogaWannabe · 16/02/2019 13:37

Waiting two years seems a bit extreme.

If you introduce the children and partner after a year of dating it means the children will know the man a year before they share a house? I think 2 years minimum, don’t think that’s extreme at all?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 16/02/2019 13:45

I'm not sure to be honest. Living together used to be a precurser to getting married but that doesn't seem to be the case anymore.

FissionChip5 · 16/02/2019 13:46

IMO 2 years is the minimum time period to wait before moving a partner in when there are children involved.

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 13:56

My now fiance moved in after about five months of us meeting. It certainly wasn't planned that way but he was house sharing and the lady he was lodging with suddenly decided to sell up and move. We said we'd give it a go as a "temporary measure" and here were are 18 months later.
I very unexpectedly lost my job in January and for the first time in my professional life wasn't working. My fiance doesn't earn a big wage, but he's stepped up until I can get back into work and I honestly don't know what I would do without his love and support. He's an amazing step-dad to my kids who we have half of the time. I have no regrets ☺

FissionChip5 · 16/02/2019 14:00

I have no regrets

Lol, you’ve been together 18 months, you have no idea if you’ll regret moving him in so soon.

Original poster
SheRaa · 16/02/2019 14:08

Ok, perhaps I didn’t explain myself well, this isn’t about us discussing whether we want to live together now, this is us having a theoretical discussion about dating for the next 10 / 15 years or more rather than dating for a couple of years & then thinking about moving in.

I’m talking about would a long term (decades) relationship be improved if the individuals didn’t live together so never got into the boredom of routine & responsibilities?

OP posts:
Original poster
SheRaa · 16/02/2019 14:10

I think 2 year minimum is also probably about right.

OP posts:
YogaWannabe · 16/02/2019 14:13

@Ella1980 did you move him into a house with your children after 5 months or just you and him? Very selfish if it’s the former. Not such a big deal if the latter.

OP I know what you mean now and I think it would. Keeps excitement, protects your children and your own relationship with them, generally more fun and more dates and days out I would think.

LatentPhase · 16/02/2019 14:14

My dad (a widower) is into his 70s and has a LTR of 15 year. They live separately. She would like to co-habit, he is resistant. He says they would get on each other’s nerves if they lived together. That said, they are a great partnership. By not cohabiting they also avoid complicated inheritance issues with her kids and my siblings.

But that’s just them though. Each case on its own merits, I think. And always a mixture of practical/emotional factors (when kids from other relationships are concerned).

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 16/02/2019 14:15

There's far too much emphasis on shacking up and forcing kids to blend families, IMO. It rarely works well (except for the couple, of course) and the threads on here are much proof of that. At this point you barely know this man, why even think of what will happen 10 years from now? It's perfectly possible to have a great relationship with someone without dragging your kids into it.

TearingUpMyHeart · 16/02/2019 14:19

Yup, with you on this

Have you read about the relationship escalator theory? Time to step off

LatentPhase · 16/02/2019 14:21

I think with younger kids in toe it’s incredibly complicated and difficult to make a blanket yes/no decision. It’s not just about you, it’s about the dc, the exes, the parenting styles, the finances, housing...

Not simple enough to say one way is best.

goldengummybear · 16/02/2019 14:35

I think 2 years sounds reasonable if you have kids because it's not just about the adults- you have to check compatibility with the kids and after 2 years you'll have seen the other kids act up and how your partner reacts to your kids acting up. So many people seem to move in before realising that they aren't compatible parenting wise and 2 years is long enough that you know that the others aren't just on their best behaviour. You'll also know the truth about your partner's current Co-parenting relationship with the ex. At the beginning it's easy to believe a "ex is a dick/bitch" narrative when in most cases both sides have been a dick/bitch at some point. (There are truly horrible exes but they are not the majority)

If I dated now, I would live apart. A partner would benefit me but not my kids and I suspect the opposite would be true for a hypothetical partner and their kids. I'm not saying that step parents are bad for kids (I know some great ones) but my kids don't need one and I'm not sure that I'd add any value to a child's life.

pisspants · 16/02/2019 15:16

After realising that blending our families was not working out (partly due to doing too much too soon together)my bf and I have taken a step back and are now just dating the 2 of us and not involving the children at all. We see each other as together long term so this is just a short term phase where we can individually focus on our own children. I don't know how common it is and it has raised a few eyebrows I think, but if it works for us and the children then surely it is win win.

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 16:49

For me, it is all about the relationship. After my ex-husband I met a man who I dated for a year. We kept our relationship separate from the children and as it turns out they never met. I had a gut instinct it wasn't meant to be. We still remain friends.
But with my fiance I knew early on it was different and that my children would absolutely be a bonus rather than baggage. I have no regrets that things moved as quickly as they did. We live together in my rented property with the kids half of the time and we're all very happy.
I lived with my ex for over a decade and he turned out to be the most vile man I have ever met. He was sweet as pie for about three years but then changed-a complete Jeckyll and Hyde.

ConfCall · 16/02/2019 18:28

There's a poor 15yo kid at my DS school who's on his fourth stepfather. His mother meets them and moves 'em straight in! This latest bloke is ok actually but the previous "partners" were awful.

I think that the majority of people try to put their kids first, though - don't they? And many blended families work beautifully - for example, my colleague is very close to her stepsiblings, 20 years on.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/02/2019 18:36

I’ve lived on my own with my DCs for over 13 years. The idea of a man with all his weird habits and smells moving in horrifies me Grin I think 2 years is the bare minimum. I’ve never met anyone I’ve felt I’ve know well enough to say I want to share a bathroom and TV with them. Maybe I’m weird. Or right. Wink

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 16/02/2019 18:37

I think when you have kids it's definitely worth considering. But there are definite downsides - in theory living together should save money and free up time due to sharing domestic duties.

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 19:08

And then there is the "small" issue of love. I love my fiance and want to spend the rest of my life with him. For me, that includes us living together as a family. Yes he spends ages on the loo (and we only have one bathroom), he leaves piles of papers everywhere, he farts into the sofa cushions, he snores like a pig on ocassion and makes a mess when he cooks. But ultimately I love him and he loves me and my boys. Without condition or reserve. Can't imagine our lives without him.

lifebegins50 · 16/02/2019 19:11

I think living apart could work as it removes the issues about children and finances which are 2 conflict areas.

Given the rate of divorces then if you move in together, with children, then you need a viable exit strategy as the impact could be high.

Generally it takes 2 years (or some level of commitment like moving in or a quick marriage) for someone to reveal who they are. It's why the timeframe is often suggested. If you have no children then the impact is only on you but different if children are involved.