Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is not living together the key to a successful relationship?

151 replies

SheRaa · 16/02/2019 13:21

I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 months, we have both previously experienced horrible relationship issues & nasty breakups.

We both have kids & are keen to protect them & not impact their lives negatively.

It is early days for us but we keep coming back to the conversation that perhaps long term dating is the best way to maintain a good relationship rather than the generally natural progression of moving in / becoming a family etc.

I’m very back & forth about the idea - obviously no rush to make a decision but just wondered what others think of this as the best way of preserving a good relationship?

OP posts:
Mmmmbrekkie · 17/02/2019 10:10

@Ella1980

According to recent threads you are in extreme financial difficulties, barely able to afford food, living in a damp cramped flat and suffering poor mental health.

In this scenario I wouldn’t be giving one bloody thought to romance love, marriage. Every thought and all my energy would be devoted to lifting my children out of this awful situation.

Ella1980 · 17/02/2019 10:15

If only it was that easy! Up until Jan I worked ft and very unexpectedly lost my job. The problem is my evil ex husband who left me penniless. I spent years as a fully independent woman working my bum off to put a roof over our heads and food on out table. I now have a fiance who works together with me to help achieve this.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 17/02/2019 10:15

So you'll never allow another man into your home until you've finished raising your kids?

That’s the plan

How many years are we talking?

Youngest is 9 so whenever he is finished school probably. If I decide I want to live with anyone. I may not. I like my own space. It’s not compulsory to have a man in your house you know Wink

Do your kids see their dad still?

No.

Ella1980 · 17/02/2019 10:16

Not a flat btw. Two bed house.

Zofloramummy · 17/02/2019 10:21

I’ve given this some thought myself although it’s not even on my radar at the minute!

I’ve been a single parent for 6 years, my dd is nearly 8. I have had one disastrous relationship that went pretty much as a lot of the ones on the board do. I’d been single a long time, swept off my feet by a man then he changed into a cocklodger as soon as his feet were under the table. I chucked him out.

I wouldn’t ever risk that again, my dd’s Childhood and my security (homeowner) are too important to me. I think I would go down the living apart together route.

Ella1980 · 17/02/2019 11:29

@Mmmmbrekkie What do you mean by "lifting my children out of this awful situation"?
My children are happy, stable and both doing incredibly well at school. My ex left me with nothing-I found this place to rent privately five years ago and without a penny from him. Still not a penny. So actually, I think most would argue I've done OK. I still have dark days but can you blame me? Unless you believe that it is a failure on my part because the boys don't have their own huge bedroom with upstairs family bathroom? In that case, I'm a complete failure!

Mmmmbrekkie · 17/02/2019 11:56

So you'll never allow another man into your home until you've finished raising your kids?

Pretty much.

Mmmmbrekkie · 17/02/2019 11:57

@Ella1980

You describe your home is damp and disgusting

Your words

Mmmmbrekkie · 17/02/2019 12:05

And Ella you described yourself as being suicidal a matter of weeks ago.

My point is. Your life sounds difficult, tumultuous and hard. I think you are trying to construct a romantic image that simply doesn’t exist.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 17/02/2019 12:07

It's all so much more wonderful, Brekkie, with a man in it. He's just the best, hogging the loo and farting.

YogaWannabe · 17/02/2019 12:13

So you'll never allow another man into your home until you've finished raising your kids?
Pretty much, it’s hardly martyrdom! Not worth the risk imo and the stats prove the biggest risk to my DD is a non biological male. Her safety and stability is my number one priority.

TearingUpMyHeart · 17/02/2019 12:18

I'm another one waiting til the kids are fully grown. No big sacrifice imo. I'm not needy that way.

FissionChip5 · 17/02/2019 12:20

Possibly, was thinking about the coil? I just don't understand how he could think that having a baby in our circumstances would be even remotely a good idea?

Ella, you wrote that just a couple of months ago, what’s made you suddenly decide having a baby in your circumstances is a good idea?

Ella1980 · 17/02/2019 12:38

I didn't say it was a good idea right now. Luckily I am educated enough to avoid pregnancy at the moment. But in a ideal world yes, we would at some point have had a child together. Unfortunately I find myself in a crappy financial position through no fault of my own. If things get better (which I hope they will when I secure a new job) the plan is to move to a bigger place and then review it again. At 38 we don't have the luxury of leaving it another five years or so.
You can't all have been wary of men at all times if you have children, my guess is you probably lived with a guy at some point in the past?

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 17/02/2019 12:50

You can't all have been wary of men at all times if you have children, my guess is you probably lived with a guy at some point in the past?

Some people don't need to live with a guy, even if they have in the past, and can have perfectly lovely relationships without shacking up and forcing their kids to blend. My ex screwed me over in a divorce (thankfully we had no kids) but I didn't let it define me or blame him for all my financial problems years later.

Ella1980 · 17/02/2019 12:56

Absolutely. Hence why up until four weeks ago I worked ft as does my fiance. Which is more than can be said for my ex's 24 y/o gf who has never worked a day in her life! Let's add at this point that most separated parents are in receipt of some financial support from their ex if they have custody for more than half of the time? If the ex is the far higher earner/higher earning potential then this will be reflected also? I'll happily stand corrected if I'm wrong on this.
It is down to personal choice ateotd. You are happy living on your own, I am happy living with my fiance.

Ella1980 · 17/02/2019 12:57

@TaimaandRanyasBestFriend I didn't force any kids to blend as far as I'm aware?

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 17/02/2019 13:00

When you move a man in, the kids have no choice but to accept it. At any rate, you really need to get some therapy to move past your ex, you seem very fixated on him and his actions. You say you share 50/50 custody with him but seem obsessed with how much money he has and his life and girlfriends and how he's not paying you anything. That's not healthy or positive, especially for someone who's so in love with someone else.

YogaWannabe · 17/02/2019 13:13

I agree with PP, I think you should invest in yourself and get some therapy to move past your ex and what he’s up to now/his girlfriends employment status etc.

Ella1980 · 17/02/2019 13:14

I am having counselling. Not just for that but it is a big part. I don't think I will ever accept that someone can abuse for years and yet the person brave enough to walk away is left to suffer. I do regret I didn't stay until he hit me.
But I think I've done OK for myself considering.

YogaWannabe · 17/02/2019 13:18

Well the girlfriend deserves sympathy in that case, especially as she’s so young.
You aren’t suffering at the hands of him anymore so that’s surely a major win for you and your wellbeing?

Ella1980 · 17/02/2019 13:23

It is. I just think it would have been different re the courts if I could have proved he'd abused me? If he hadn't been awarded the boys half of the time things would be very, very different.

YogaWannabe · 17/02/2019 13:25

Yeah it would be a huge blow to me if DDs dad had 50/50 custody and he’s not remotely abusive!
I think you’re mad going at such a fast pace when you have all this stuff to contend with mentally though Ella.

Ella1980 · 17/02/2019 13:32

I'm supported and loved for the first time in my life. Like I say I had some devastating news last year and my fiance was just superb. He's been great since I lost my job too-always there to help me with job apps and words of encouragement. He helps me through some very dark days and although I think I'll always be angry at the unfairness of my situation I feel in a better place generally now than I did before.
We're not getting married or considering children for the forseeable future. Happy with how things are.

YogaWannabe · 17/02/2019 13:35

It just sounds like you should really be working on yourself and putting your children’s stability first. It must have been hard for them going from their parents breaking up to living with new guy and dads girlfriend. Doesn’t sound like anyone prioritized them in all of this which is sadly all too common.