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Original poster

Is not living together the key to a successful relationship?

151 replies

SheRaa · 16/02/2019 13:21

I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 months, we have both previously experienced horrible relationship issues & nasty breakups.

We both have kids & are keen to protect them & not impact their lives negatively.

It is early days for us but we keep coming back to the conversation that perhaps long term dating is the best way to maintain a good relationship rather than the generally natural progression of moving in / becoming a family etc.

I’m very back & forth about the idea - obviously no rush to make a decision but just wondered what others think of this as the best way of preserving a good relationship?

OP posts:
Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 22:46

You're confusing my marriage with my children, @ILoveMaxiBondi

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/02/2019 22:47

it's a happier life than it ever was when they were living with myself and ex.

What? A few posts ago you said it was magical!

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/02/2019 22:50

No. You said it was a magical time. With a seriously ill baby, and a very absuive husband. I think you rewrite history as you go along to suit whatever thread you’re responding to.

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 22:50

As I said before, ex was the most delightful husband until after the children were born and started to grow up. I was then not needed and he became abusive. Does that mean I regret having children? Never.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 16/02/2019 22:51

You have no job and live in a mould-infested place but still think it's a good idea to have yet another baby.

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 22:52

@ILoveMaxiBondi Have you got children yourself? Happily married to first hubby etc?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/02/2019 22:52

No-one said you regret having children. My point, as stated earlier that raising children is not magical and wonderful, it’s real and hard and stressful and exhausting. But now you’re going to tell me that despite raising them with an abusive man and one of them being seriously ill, you were never stressed or tired.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/02/2019 22:53

2 children, never married (wise Wink)

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 22:53

@TaimaandRanyasBestFriend No, we'd love to but can't afford it. We don't all live perfect lives with lots of money!

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 22:54

@ILoveMaxiBondi But still with your partner?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/02/2019 22:56

No, separated almost 9 years from DC father.

YogaWannabe · 16/02/2019 23:01

I have always put my children first.

Moving a man into their home so recklessly early into the relationship, is the exact opposite of putting them first.

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 23:03

@YogaWannabe It was far more reckless to marry my first husband tbh!

JaceLancs · 16/02/2019 23:04

I would struggle to live with someone anymore after years of being alone
DP and I lived together for 7 years
He is depressed and is a hoarder
Low tolerance with DC - I have 2
Stopped living together 10+ years ago
Much happier - we go on holiday together, spend weekends together, alternate his or mine
Sometimes meet up in the week if work allows
Works for us

nugget900 · 16/02/2019 23:07

My sister did this with her ex. Her kids didn't like him. They bought a house together after 6 months just like what you want. then sister caught partner cheating on her so they split up. She lost allot of money over It. She's got a new house now and she also has a new man now but 6months isn't a long time. Don't risk it. Wait longer

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 16/02/2019 23:31

Living apart works much better if children are involved. Why make them part of the drama of seeing if the relationship has legs or not.

Separate households means separating your personal life as an adult with your role as parent. It’s very different to a child living with both its parents because obviously they are both ( technically) invested in their family. No struggles over money, different parenting ideas, discipline/treats and disruption to routine.

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 23:35

Are some people suggesting that if you have children from a previous marriage you should never live with someone else ever again?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/02/2019 23:50

Well children don’t tend to stay children forever so no, not “ever again” but until you’re no longer raising them seems sensible. Certainly somewhere in between “never again” and “after 5 months”

DBML · 16/02/2019 23:56

Too early to move in together right now, give it another year or two at least.

Long term though, I love living with my DH. It’s wonderful coming home to each other at the end of a long day. Sharing a bed every night is also important and being a family. I wouldn’t want to live separately.

Mum2boys1girl · 17/02/2019 01:09

Ella1980 I agree with you. I moved my OH in after 5months also and 2 of dcs get on great with him and we have a child together now we been together now 6 years and things are good. My OH and I knew each other through friends so kids already knew him a little. I don't think there is a wrong or right way unless they are always meeting new men all time.

MumsyJ · 17/02/2019 05:31

Blimey! A very heated debate / argument. Shying away from the original post. In the voice of a judge "order"!Grin

Whatever floats anyone's boat. But I do enjoy the idea of living apart in a relationship as it gives me something to look forward to. DC or no DC.

OP, talking about it doesn't mean it happening and if you're in a relationship with someone, you talk about certain topics; hypothetically. Nothing wrong with that.

LifeCasting · 17/02/2019 06:19

I think we are all different and there are many factors to consider.

My boyfriend asked me about living together just last night, so this is topical. I’m sure it could work - been together nearly a year, but known him for decades - but my DCs have asked me not to move in with him, and I’ve gone to lengths to create them a home in the face of divorce.

My bf has many “homes” as he’s not the conventional type. I explained to him last night: currently when we are not together, he can (but doesn’t always) work late & stay in hotels if working far, he sees his friends, he might see a film or whatever. Can you imagine, if we had a home together? My perception would be that I’d be the little wifey left behind to do the housework while he has all the fun. It would bring resentment and power issues.

My DCs are with their dad half the time. Staying in his places is like a mini break from that. It’s hard to go from living together to being apart, but it protects us all & gives us all room to breathe.

Ella1980 · 17/02/2019 09:00

@ILoveMaxiBondi I think it's a bit much to say don't live with another man until you've finished raising your kids. Do you dislike men? There are some amazing step parents around that add so much to children's lives. Some turn out to be far better than the biological parent.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 17/02/2019 09:53

I think it's a bit much to say don't live with another man until you've finished raising your kids.

Well that’s surprise to no one considering what you’ve done. Grin

Do you dislike men?

Confused I don’t live with women either. Does that mean I dislike women? If I was a gay woman and didn’t move a partner in would I dislike women? If I didn’t like men I wouldn’t date men. But I do. I just have no interest in imposing my romantic life on my children. Especially when the chances of those relationships failing is high. My children don’t need to be a part of that.

Ella1980 · 17/02/2019 10:03

So you'll never allow another man into your home until you've finished raising your kids? How many years are we talking?
Do your kids see their dad still?